Thursday seem so far away...

[Woofens]

and difficult child pushes me further and further each day.

I should have gone to the ER last night, he hurt my wrist again, I'm bruised up and down my arms and shins, got a bruise on my chest, I feel like I've run over by a truck. Didn't go to the ER because I didn't want to have to tell them that my 6 YO difficult child tried to beat the snot outta me I'm gonna call my GP today and try to get in to get XRays of my wrist and possibly my ribs.

Last night started because easy child S ate a cracker of difficult child's. That provoked an hour + long rage, in which he charged easy child S and I had to restrain him, because I can't let him hurt her. He spit out the window at Moe, kicked MoonWolf, screamed, and hit, kicked, pinched and head-butted me. He broke my necklace M bought me for my birthday.... I think that is what hurt the most. I know, I need to be more concerned about the physical stuff, but this necklace meant the world to me, and part of it is missing. I know it is here in the house, but the fact that it is broken broke my heart. M told me he would buy me another one, but that isn't the point, ya know?

When he rages, easy child T and easy child S cower in fear. I lived in an abusive relationship (years before my easy child's or difficult child J was born) and the fear level here isn't that much different. I'm so tired of being afraid... I swore I would never live in fear again. Here I am back in that situation... but this time I can't leave, because it isn't someone that I can run from this time. I hate the feeling of helplessness, the constant fear, the tip-toeing around to try not to set him off. I had gone grocery shopping yesterday, was wasn't yet home when the rage started. Moonwolf and easy child T and S were the only ones here. I was home within 15 minutes but now I'm afraid to leave him here with anyone besides me. Moonwolf isn't physically capable of restraining him if he tries to hurt the girls.

How do you guys do this day after day, month after month, year after year? I told my SO last night that I don't want to lose him, but if he walked I wouldn't blame him... I'm not sure I could stay if difficult child wasn't my biological kid. I'm just at the end of my rope, barely hanging on....

 

[bran155]

I am so, so sorry you are going through all of this. I feel for you and can relate. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have told my husband the very same thing you told yours. I still don't know why he is here, I think if I were him I would have left by now. You know why they stay? They LOVE us. He loves you and your difficult child is part of the package. He sounds like a good man!!! When I am feeling really overwhelmed I try to think about the blessings I do have and my husband is one of them. As is yours. I know that is extremely hard to do when life just keeps getting harder. It is hard to see the sunlight when we live in the middle of a storm. I struggle with that daily!!!

The rages and the abuse that we endure has to be the hardest part of raising a difficult child. I don't know how I have made it this far. My difficult child is 17 and is still abusing me. The violence has subsided a bit, however the verbal abuse is worse than ever. I know the feeling of walking on eggshells so as to not set the "bomb" off. It is much like living in a prison. It is hard to be free, so to speak. Have you talked with the psychiatrist about the violence? Maybe the medications need a change. What about putting him in the hospital or even a partial hospitalization, day treatment? Do you have access to the crisis team? You need to have a plan in place, a safety plan, for when he becomes completely out of control. My daughter knows if she gets too out of hand I will call the police. I have done that several times. Shoot, I know half of the police force personally by now. lol I have been lucky, the authorities in my town have been very kind and accomidating to both myself and my difficult child.

I hope you call the doctor for your wrist. You need to take care of yourself too. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, I too am still looking for the answers. Hang in there and God bless.

 

[smallworld]

Jan, big hugs going out to you this morning. I'm sorry for your physical pain as well your hurting mommy heart.

I know it must feel as if you're in an abusive relationship all over again, but I think you have to remind yourself that your difficult child's behavior is a symptom of an illness. Something is not right in the neurological wiring or chemical balance in his brain, and it needs treatment. Until you get an evaluation -- I know, Thursday can't come soon enough -- you really don't know what you're deailng with and can't put the appropriate intrerventions into place.

Do you have a home safety plan in place? Is there a reason you didn't call 911 to have your difficult child transported to the ER? Given the level of violence involved, I think it was warranted and might have started you on the road to getting difficult child help.

It is hard to do warrior parenting day in and day out. But with the appropriate help, things can and will get better.

 

[Nancy423]

I don't know you, but I'd like to give you a (((HUG))) I'm so sorry you're feeling afraid.

 

[susiestar]

Jan, I am so sorry. I know the feeling of not knowing what to do, of being so hurt, physically and emotionally, just beaten down.

Sweetie, it is time to think about hospitalization. The level of violence is just too great, it is not fair that you have to live in fear, and you really MUST protect the others in the house, esp the pcs from him. No matter his age, this just CANNOT continue.

Physical violence must not be tolerated.

Call his doctor(s) today and tell them that the level of violence is so great that you need to have him evaluated/monitored/helped in a hospital setting. Call the behavioral health number on your insurance and see what facilities are covered.

You also MUST make a safety plan, including having one of the other people in the home calling 911 to have difficult child transported to the hospital (preferably psychiatric hospital with pediatric ward/unit) by ambulance or police. YOU can't call during the rage because you have to keep him from getting to the pcs. Is there a neighbor nearby the pcs can go to during a rage? Or at the least a room with a lock on the door they can go to for an added degree of safety?

I am so sorry. It stinks, hoovers really, to have to do all of this because your child is unstable. But you do. You will feel a sense of loss and sadness when making these plans, and probably frustration also. But you have to work through that, maybe get SO to help with some of the calls or teaching the pcs how to call 911 in case you are the only adult at home.

Please remember we are here, no matter what. And we really care!

(((((hugs))))) (and a gentle kiss for your wrist boo-boo!)

Susie

 

[Woofens]

We are on our way to the ER for an evaluation. Pray for us

Hugs
Jan

 

[butterflydreams]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers that difficult child can get the help he needs and you all need too.

Christy

 

[lizzie09]

Wooffens I too am so sorry to read your story.
I can get scared out of mind by my sons odd behaviours and he has not hit me but can get caught up with his brothers in thumps due to frustration with them all.
My brother made me scared years ago at home so I too feel I have a fear again I thought I would never have again. It is too bad that this is happening to you.
The very best of luck with the evaluation.

 

[Wiped Out]

Woofens,
I'm sorry. The violence is so hard to live with, I've been there done that with the bruises but so far luckily never been seriously hurt. I hope your wrist is o.k.

I totally agree that hospitalization is needed. The times when my difficult child has been the most violent are the times he has been hospitalized. Sending many prayers and hugs your way.

 

[Woofens]

I posted a new thread as an update.

Thanks to all
Hugs
Jan