Tired of this

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by strangeworld, Oct 25, 2017.

  1. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Just need to get this off my chest because I feel broken again. The only peoole who witness the level of anger and hostility in my kid is me, my kid, and God. And my husband sometimes. But I know you all here will understand it because sadly you've been here too.. Just dropped my 19 yo daughter off after she started screaming at me. I took her into town on the way to pick up my son from school. She lost her phone again so I said we could go by the life wireless tent and I would get her one. She acted like I'm doing it for me...nor her. I know this is enabling even if it is only $26. But she didn't get a new phone anyway because she forgot her wallet and she needed to show her ebt card. She didn't seem to care and said she would just lose it like all the others. She's lost or had stolen 5 phones in the last couple years. Also (and this didn't make her happy), I decided to look into the GED earlier today and bought a study guide book on Amazon. After bringing this up in the car, calmly, she began with the excuses of why she will fail certain sections because of her horrible memory. After listening to her rant about it for a while I mentioned that pot is known to be bad for your memory and that's when the screaming began. I told her to get out of the car which she did....saying on the way out about herself, "I should smash my head into this brick pillar and kill myself". Then she attempted an "I love you, but"....I put my hand up and drove away after she slammed the door. Feeling sick...she's off at her hangout with homeless people and druggies and no phone again. She screamed that she's always been an angry person it's just how she is and on and on. I just feel defeated. I mentioned she needs to start thinking about how she can make her way through life and every single time I bring this kind of thing up, she explodes with anger. For the last 5 years it's been me trying to talk about it and me being shut down. I'm ready to tell her she's not welcome home until she makes some effort to move forward but I know I will cave aftera gew days of her being gone. It hurts to go through this and it hurts thinking if I cut her off I might never see her again. I need to get our of the FOG.
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    As for memory issues, unless it's related to the pot, there are people who can teach her memory techniques and certain study methods if she wants her GED badly enough. A lot of kids have trouble remembering what they study and know the material but cannot apply it to the test. If the memory issues are from a concussion or injury, depending on the severity, rehabilitation is possible. If she just has a bad memory, there are methods and study skills for that problem. It's not uncommon.
     
  3. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Crayola gives good advice re the memory part and there are anger management classes re the raging part. And per the theme of the day, it's your right and maybe even your obligation to start making adult demands of your adult daughter starting with respectful communication.

    They don't get magically mature at 18 but parents acquire the power to withhold support. Do as much reading or reflection as you need to think about how messed up it is to feel dread in your own home. How she's taken advantage of your love and turned the family org chart upside down.

    Even if it's what you've become accustomed to, it's not sustainable. You don't have to be mean and you would t be abandoning her. She's welcome when she acts like family.
     
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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome!

    I'm sorry you are going through this. And yes she is behaving badly.

    Have you considered therapy for yourself to help you set firm boundaries with her? It doesn't mean you don't love her but our adult children NEED the boundaries as much as WE do. It's good for them. The apron strings must be cut at some point. You need a "plan" to move forward in these unchartered waters. Are there other children at home also?

    Is your daughter using drugs (other than weed) or alcohol also? Does she work? She must have dropped out of high school since you are talking GED.

    There is so much wisdom on this site so I will not attempt to rewrite it. If you read here you will gain wisdom and strength.

    Good luck and keep posting. That helps too!
     
  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    ... And I might add, read deep and long here. It's an absolute crash course in how common her presentation is, and how the Fear, Obligation and Guilt you feel are common too, AND HOW THEY ARE MANIPULATING YOU TO FEEL IT SO THEY DONT HAVE TO CHANGE. How to be better at this for them and for you.

    Therapy helps to clean up your side of the street -- to understand the triggers based on what you might have brought to the table.

    But for building a working set of principles for the hall of smoke and mirrors they've put us in,

    For me, reading the stories and inevitable arcs, and giving and receiving the support here, is to therapy and meetings, what goat cheese is to nacho cheese sauce.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  6. Duli

    Duli New Member

    Wow ! I can totally relate to your situation..my daughter is now 37 and a denial, closet drinker. Her emotional abuse started with me when she was very little .. pushing buttons ..wow it was CRAZY..she started doing drugs and drinking at 14 so many battles she and I had, and are STILL having to this day..she is an emotional wreck..she now has a beautiful 7 year old daughter and, well it is a very sad story when the 7 year old is more the Parent then the Mom.. I was 17 when I had my daughter and she was a holy terror and still is .. I always prayed that when she had a child, that child would do to her what she did to me ! Well .. I got my wish lol .. except my poor Granddaughter is the one who is paying the price for having a hell raising, alcoholic Mom.. I try to mend broken bridges with my Daughter, but her Anger is more powerful than her love for me .. A bit of advise that has helped me over the years is Alanon.. truly a life saving Program..scarry as heck tho..to give up the Control and stop Enabling.. to take the focus off the abusive child and to start taking care of myself.. that is crazy hard.. my life is mine..i have started to put Boundaries up with my YET another Child I have, my 28 year old Son..who I recently saved from Drugs and Alcohol ! HAHA what a joke .. he saw me coming .. MOMMY to save him .. he by the way is on his 9th Cell Phone ! and kids these days act like it is DUE them to live in luxury, XBOX, Parent ATM etc.. now I'm trying to get him out of my House, because come on folks he is 28 and wants a FREE ride .. Another thing I have learned is to remain calm .. my Pot smoking days are LONG gone..and I don't drink alcohol.. Yet somehow I raised TWO alcoholics .. yike my batting average is no good lol.. try to laugh.. but being calm gives you the Control ! I am trying to push my Son out of the house now that he has a full time job with decency and respect.. between the yelling matches.. because I realize he is taking advantage of me .. then I get made .. then he behaves, then i am a SOFTY again .. and the Rollercoaster Ride continutes ! .. I never said I was SANE .. but these Kids, young and adult, know how to push us any which way that benefits them.. it is up to US, the Parent, to be smarter ! good luck and remember it is One Day at a Time :)
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Please...maybe this will help....your children are adults, not kids. They are not little kids coyly or cutely pushing buttons. They are grown adults, abusing you. It is destructive to us and them if we still see cute little eight year old faces when we hear them abusing us. Yes, it is abuse. In some cases, depeding on our ages, it is elder abuse.
    Most adults do not act like ours, nor do they expect to live with us on our dimes at their ages. Your adult children should be decent enough to start caring for your welfare as most young adults do toward their aging parents. Instead they are addicts, because they wont quit the substances, and treating you, a kind mother, like you are theirs to whip.

    At 37 your daughter is middle aged. You dont have to clean up her messes. You cant. It backfires every time.

    Your 28 year old son needs to leave your house and hold a steady job. Or not. You cant take care of the man forever. You cant live forever. Then what, if neither have learned how to survive without you?
    It is abusive that your granddaughter has to care for her own mother. Call CPS if Daughter refuses to care for her child. She is a little girl, not an adult.

    Lastly, you matter. I suggest private therapy so you can learn to detach from the chaos of these two adults, (once your little kids but no longer young) and find yourself again. You should not have to mommy a 37 and 28 year old and you cant make them do better.

    The only person whose life you can improve is your own. You are a wonderful person and in my opinion need to learn to nurture and love yourself first. That you have control over. Your adults kids...you have no control over them. Your care, preaching and second chances has not improved their lives. They need to do that. You in my opinion need to make your life good from now until the end. Please do get therapy.

    Love and light!!
     
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    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Wow SW do I feel your pain and FOG. My son is out now. He actually produced an address today. Came home and took a few belongings.

    He has applied for social assistance and in much the same way he deals with everything he acts like it all taken care of. I got a phone call this afternoon from her social assistance office saying if he does not contact then by ending of day Monday they will be closing his file.

    Not my Circus. And much as I love my Monkey he is without an Organ Grinder for the time being.

    When ever I feel weak I look at the photos I took of his last drug test. THC, Benzo, Opiods, Amphetamines and Cocaine. He was really enjoying the $700 bucks he stole from us.

    Love him hate his disease. Compassion for him but Boundaries and expectations are clear.

    Drugs and no rehab no home with us. It is what it is.

    Please do try to detach and set healthy boundaries.
     
  9. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Thanks for your replies. Your words truly help. I read here all the time and there's nothing quite as freeing as knowing you are not alone. So much strength here. Sorry for your circumstances Duli. It's so hard setting boundaries and sticking to them. We have to become determined and understand that we are not helping them in the long run to allow them to abuse us. I'm sorry there is a granddauggter not getting her emotional needs for safety and security met by her own mother. I just know I am going to have to tell my daughter she is not welcome home anymore until she makes some effort to do something. Whether it's getting counselling at the drop in center for youth, get her GED and a job. Go to community college or trade school. Or if she needs it - rehab but from what I understand rehab is a waste of money for most peoole because the addict will only stick to something when they are ready. Once they are ready then jump on it. Also I believe a lot of the reasons peoole turn to drugs and alcohol is extreme self consciousness and low self esteem. Once they sink their teeth into something that makes them feel empowered (even something small) like basic work or passing GED it might help them move forward. Baby steps towards reclaiming the self worth she once had and now has lost. She's worth more than this unsafe, dirty, cesspool of negativity and victimhood. She used to be a strong willed, brilliant, artistically talented, gifted in writing and reading, musically gifted on the piano, girl. So much so that she got accused of plagiarism by her teacher her junior year and this child would absolutely not have plagiarized because it was completely beneath her. I at least know thst about her. Teacher never apologized. Daughter was probably crushed. Her victimhood sort of started around that time I think. I know it doesn't do any good to go back all the time but it helps posdibly putting the pieces together. Whatever led to it doesn't change the fact thst she's now in an unhealthy, dark, dangerous world void of much light and joy. And unfortunately it's seeped into me and it's a constant uphill battle to keep depression away. Anyway we all had these kids I know...smart, gifted, kind, loving, whatever...it's startling to think many and even most of the homeless people I see started off on a clean slate. Enjoying, as children do, the simple wonders of just being alive. Many were abused too. As life progressed and innocence dissolved, something sinister evolved and next thing you know they are teens fighting battles we are know nothing about. They are in their own private hell. Then peers become the focus and parents, and all our well meaning advice and love, seems irrelevant and to our kids, ignorant. I guess it's just a cruel part of parenting even in the best of circumstances. This letting go is letting go of the warm, fuzzy safety of knowing. The unknown is terrifying. All along I knew I would have to let go, obviously, but it came so fast and we were unprepared because of the drama that replaced school and graduation and the next steps towards launch. Instead we had a raging, antidepressant withdrawing (cold turkey) 17 year old in love with a 23 year old we didn't know about who also happened to be homeless and possibly schizophrenic. It's just too much to think about sometimes. The reality is extremely painful and honestly at times I feel like the world is an awful place. I know there's good all around, even in my daughter. Its buried beneath stacks and stacks of shame, depression, anxiety, and fear. Prayers for all of you and all of our kids struggling to get to a place of peace. Thanks again for listening and letting me know I'm not alone or crazy.
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    You are so not alone, this sad phenomenon occurs even though we are nations apart. Our physical distance is is great; our emotion connections and story's as neighbours. This is a warm and caring neighbourhood of wise and nonjudgmental people.
    We were speaking today some friends and I about the fear, Shane and guilt being the reason for most relapses. We need to be the change we wish to see in the world. No shame, no judgement, no fear to move forward and embrace recovery and life. The stigma has to end.