Tired upset and I want to give up I’ve lost my self and my child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by The exhausted tiny bear, Dec 25, 2017.

  1. Before I begin please excuse my grammar and punctuation or lack of I just need to get this out sometimes it feels as if I’ve gone crazy my 15 yr old daughter has never been the best behaved child but I figured her outbursts and fits were normal the doctor assured me there were no signs of odd or adhd things we thought maybe were contributing to the behavior it steadily got worse by fifth grade she was being held after school for behavioral issues to me getting a call to come get her almost everyday from middle school as I am a single parent I ha to quit working though it’s most likely my fault she’s started high school and has already been suspended twice once for leaving the school and again because the staff caught her smoking marijuana I’m having the worst Christmas because after I took her phone for piercing her nose and getting gauges which there’s a family of another child the supplies the drugs and things and I don’t know should I report them will it only get worse if I do well I found tons of unsavory pics so Ik there’s substance abuse and there were nudes I’ve asked relatives to come together as I’m lost and scared and don’t know what to do I failed and now I’m suffering for it she sends me text everyday telling me she hates me it’s mt fault and more and that she wants to but denies it to others I don’t know how I can hold on and I guess I’m selfish cause I’m complaining when it’s her that is suffering well thx for listening to my babble
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It is fine to babble. Obviously you are distraught. I did find it hard to follow so I am going to ask some questions go maybe help us understand the situation better. Bear with me please.

    1. Did you ever live with Dad? Is he in the picture?

    2. Did Daughter have a chaotic first three years with many caregiver changes?

    3. Had she ever been evaluated by a high level professional, such as a Neuro psychologist or a psychiatrist (the guy with the M.D.)

    4. Ever have a bedwetting problem, cruelty to animals, or fascination with fire?

    5. Did her behavior start with the pot and what did you do when you found out?

    6. I am unclear on this. Does she live at home?

    7. Do you tolerate when she abused you? How do you handle it?

    8. Remove all of her electronics. She doesn't need access at home for her nudes. Have you thought of thst?

    You are a loving Mother, but you have every right to be upset. Your daughter is being mean to you and is going off the rails and all of us react badly to all that. You also have every right to enforce your rules in your home. I tossed out my daughter's pot and cigarettes. My house/my rules. You have a right to take away all of her electronics even if she throws a toddler tantrum. If she touches you, call the police.

    I would take her for an evaluation by a Neuro psychologist. If drugs are a big problem, think rehab, even for pot. Pot is not safe for all, like alcohol is not safe for all. Do you have any other kids? A SO? Is your family helpful or critical of you and abusive?

    Hang in there. We are here.
     
  3. tryingtobreathe

    tryingtobreathe New Member

    It's not babble. It's the raw emotion of a parent who has the weight of the world on her shoulders. As parents we want to think "if only". If only I said this differently, was more strict, was less strict, etc. It can drive us crazy. One of the hardest things on this journey is to acknowledge that i did not create this. I am not the perfect mom, but I surely am not the devil. My daughter told me today that i am the reason why she wants to kill herself. The words and actions used by our children can be very hurtful. I am sorry that you are taking the brunt of her behavior. That is not your doing. It is hers. You are not at fault for her actions, lack of action or her words. Please know that you are not alone. We are all here right beside you...every step of the way. By the way, it's not selfish to want peace for yourself. We have the right to want to have a peaceful existence. There is enough chaos on the outside world, the home should at least be our one place of peace
     
  4. 1. Yes briefly I did not even five months if that it just wasn’t heathy he himself relapsed several times over the years I hear tell he is clean now not sure and haven’t seen him in 12 years 2.well I kind of guess she did as moved in with aunts thinking having more help would be good for both her and I probably me messing up since day one but I could never calm her as hard as I tried 3.no our doctor won’t refer us he says she seems fine even though I brought letters from teachers 4.no to all of those by the grace of god 5. No it’s gradually gotten worse since fifth grade and she was grounded from all technology though I know other kids were letting her on their devices couldn’t stop that especially at school 6. Yes she lives with me though claims it’s hell when I don’t let her leave to her friends house because I know these adults go to dispensaries and buy for the children I really don’t like this couple so I do my best to keep her away from them though I know she’s been telling them things and I’m actually afraid that they might do something I don’t know what to do about it 7.I don’t tolerate it I won’t return the messages Ashe me about wanting to die or maybe for me to die I also make she can accesse WiFi or other things sometimes I take away her phone but I’m also scared if something happens or she overdosed on something I don’t know I justify her having it cause I want her to call for help should something happen 8. Yes I did that today after she decided to pierce her nose and that when I saw the nudes and many more disturbing things thank you for taking the time to listen and respond I really needed someone to hear me out I will start looking into these program seems like moving back to the state where I grew maybe our family doctor can refer her and also yes I have a another kid a daughter who is 16 I also worry about her she shuts herself in her room and I don’t blame her
     
  5. Yes words can cut like knives at times Thank you for your kind words it helps to know I’m not alone in experiencing this kinda behavior a part of me knows it’s not selfish to feel that way but the guilt is unbearable as one mother to another thank you for lifting me up even in your time pain
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome! Know that we are here to support you, no matter what! No one here will judge you, though we will be honest and tell you what we think. If we disagree with you, we will tell you. We won't tell you that we think you are awful or anything mean like that. This is a soft place for parents to land, and we truly mean that. I have been here for almost 15 years and it has been like that the entire time.

    It will be easier for us to read and understand you if you put in some paragraph breaks. The spelling and punctuation isn't a big deal, we all mess those up and autocorrect is just the devil, isn't it? But separating a big block of text into paragraphs makes it a lot easier to read. Just a tip from someone who tends to write LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGG posts. If you think you babble, you ain't seen NOTHING yet!!!

    You have every right to set and enforce rules for your daughter, no matter what. Yes, she will hate them and gritch and moan about them. (gripe+b.it.ch=gritch) I always figured it was part of a teenager's job to gritch about rules and punishments. It is your job to stand firm against her gritching and make the rules and consequences stand, even when it is hard. I know how miserable it is. My difficult child was incredibly violent from a very young age. I truly understand that part of what you are dealing with. You still have to make and enforce rules. And it still hoovers. (Hoover is a vacuum cleaner - what does a vacuum do to pull up dirt? __cks)

    Take the phone away and get rid of it. That would be my advice. All of your daughter's friends have phones. So does most of the world. She can borrow someone's phone very easily if she has an emergency. She doesn't need one for any other reason. Right now she is using the phone you provide to take and distribute nude photos and to obtain marijuana, among other things. If she wants to do those things, she can go get a J.O.B. And not one that is illegal or requires Mom to provide transportation. You should NOT provide a phone for her to do things that you strongly object to. If she gets a phone with her own money, let her know that as long as she lives in your home, you will inspect the phone anytime you want. If you find material you object to on it, you will get rid of it and she won't have a phone in your home.

    Yes, she will be paying for it. You are paying for her living expenses. If she wants to set her own rules for her things, she can go and pay for the roof over her head and the food she eats and her heat and the car and insurance and medication and all her other expenses. Until then, you can inspect her phone any and every time you want. Make it a rule and insist on it. Let her gritch and moan over it. If she gets violent, call the police and press charges for any damage and for assault if she harms you.

    As for her doctor and his refusal to give referrals, either he isn't understanding or he is an idiot. He needs one more chance to get all of the information and if he won't give a referral, you need to take your daughter to a new doctor. She NEEDS a referral. How to give him all the information? First, the next time your daughter gets violent, use your phone to take video of it. If you can, see if your other daughter would be able to take video without your difficult daughter noticing. Make sure the doctor watched the entire video. Chances are does not understand the violence and rages you are talking about. He probably thinks she is talking back or maybe occasionally throwing something. You have to have something to shock him out of that mindset and get his attention. Video evidence is hard to refute, especially if there are a couple of videos.

    The other thing that will help is to create a Parent Report. There is a link in my signature that will take you to a thread with the outline for the PR. What is the PR? It is one of the most powerful tools you can have in this fight to get help for your child. You write this report all about your daughter - the good things and the bad things, everything. Then you take it to every appointment and meeting at school. You keep it updated with everything that happens at appointments and other things. You also keep an extra copy or two with you in case you cannot send an electronic copy to a doctor because they use technology that doesn't work with your tech. You give copies of whatever sections you feel are appropriate to the doctors and therapists you are working with so that they have the information they need on your daughter as they are helping her.

    I say this is the most powerful because it lets you answer questions and have any needed information at your fingertips. Doctors do NOT want to wait for an answer. I avoided many medication trial repeats by being able to verify that we had tried this medication and had this result during an appointment. Otherwise I would have had to either call the doctor back and waited for a return call (1-3 days or more) or even worse I would have had to wait for our next appointment 1-4 months away. I also was able to give test results done by one doctor to another doctor without waiting for records to be sent (can take weeks) because I had copies in my report.

    The really fun part was when I had meetings at school. Often they would try to intimidate me by saying I didn't understand my child's testing or diagnosis or medication or some other thing that the doctors or therapists had explained. I would open my report to where the doctors had written what was needed for my child to succeed in school and why. Then I would go and ever so sweetly explain how what they were doing was exactly what the experts had said would harm my son's education and he needed these things instead. Other Moms here created the report and it is an INCREDIBLE tool to help you through this journey.

    When you go to the doctor, take the Parent Report. You will have a section that is a summary of her behaviors, and you need to stress the most violent ones. It is time to let him know that you want referrals, not to ask him if you need them. There is a difference. If you ask if you need them, it gives him a choice. Telling him you want them is different. Let him know that you don't know if it is safe to have her live at home much longer as she keeps threatening to hurt you,attacking you, using drugs and she is sending out nude photos and endangering herself, and nothing that anyone is saying is working. You want a referral to a neuropsychologist and a psychiatrist both, and you will go to another doctor for her primary care if he won't give them to you. This has gone too far, she is violent and putting herself in dangerous situations, using drugs and enough is enough.

    I just reread your original post. Did you mean to imply that she tells you she wants to kill herself? Or something else? If she texts you that she wants to hurt herself, take that text and call for transport to the nearest hospital with a psychiatric unit to evaluate her. They will be likely to send her home as she is not an immediate threat to herself or others.

    If this happens, that is okay. Take her straight home. Don't drop her at a friends. Don't baby her and take her for a burger and a drink on the way home because she is hungry and it is late. Let her fix something fast at home. The more special you treat her, the more likely she will be to repeat it for attention. But you MUST take suicide threats seriously no matter what. Don't punish her for them, but don't reward her either. I know it is scary. Come here and post if/when it happens. Many of us have been through it. I used to have to take my son to a hospital almost 90 minutes away. It was worth it.

    See, I told you that your babbling was nothing. I tend to write very long posts. Sorry if I overwhelmed you. I hope something here helps. Take what works for you and use it. Leave what doesn't work for you. It won't offend me at all. I offer what worked for my family. Your family is very different than mine, and of course what worked for us would be different. I just hope something helps and that you feel very welcome here. Know that we are always here and you are always welcome!

    Merry Christmas a little bit late!
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie and I usually think a lot alike. This is no exception. The only thing I would change is that I would already be looking for a new doctor. If this one listened to you, he isn't competent if he calls her normally behaved. If he didn't listen to you find one who will. There are plenty.

    Do try to record her rages on the phone somehow. The stark reality is hard for dictors to discount.

    Did her biological father have mental health issues? Anger problems? Addiction? Anything? Make no mistake about it. DNA is as big or many of us feel bigger than nurture. Your daughter is made up of 50% his DNA. You can't blame yourself for that. But the cards she was dealt may be a big reason she is this way. Get her mental health services and a good evaluation now, before she is an older teen and can refuse help. Early intervention is best.

    We will not judge you and we are always on call. We even posted on Christmas! Do stick around. Let us know how it is going. And be good to yourself. Maybe youngest needs therapy. She has to cope with a lot and the good kid always gets less attention.
     
  8. Merry Christmas thanks for the warm greeting and advice in general I’ve been fighting this battle in the dark for awhile no one remotely understands my situation or well the people in my life

    I agree I’ve taken the phone away since Christmas and there are plans to return it I said last time if she didn’t stop she wasn’t getting one till after she left my house

    Ya she can be really sweet when she needs to be and that’s working against me when I’m reaching out for help as she keeps saying I’m isolating her because I don’t let her leave cause I know if she does she’s gonna go get high weed pills or both

    Yes I’m gonna start the parenting report to help keep track of what’s going on

    Yes I quit my job do to daily threats of suicide and her running away she can’t get high she wants to die I take her phone she wants to die last year her so called boyfriend was threatening to slit his wrist if she couldn’t text till I messaged I’d be contacting his parents out of concern they took over and I hope he got help

    I also get daily phone calls she’s not at school and have been trying to get a truancy officer but school seems more concerned with me excuse them so her grades go up I mean it’s high school but I know they know about smokers corner and I wish they’d get cops involved

    My whole situation is overwhelming but hearing all of your stories and the support here helps so I’m glad we both babble
     

  9. I haven’t recorded them especially recently o don’t want to get into a wrestling match with her if I even attempt to block the door she will begin screaming I’m hitting her

    My other daughter locks her door at moments like this and I don’t dare ask her not to

    Yes he still has those anger issues and recently started to force his way back in their lives contributing to this latest downward spiral stating he cares but the moment he back in wanting to be called dad saying he wouldn’t leave her anger became scary like running away as such I changed numbers and let him know the back of he was and I think is still a heavy substance abuser there might be mental issues as well

    I would encourage help before I knew exactly how far he was gone the thumb sucking and heavy codependency with his mother he still lives in her house for habitat/ at times rents it out he’s not a healthy person but claims otherwise
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You sure have a lot on your plate. Let me try to address some of it.

    School wants to blame you and do nothing. Of course they do. Why? It is easier and cheaper for them. They don't have to do anything. I don't think you are in a place to do this, but I can tell you what kept my son from skipping school too often. I told him that if he couldn't get himself to class and keep himself in class, then I would. I would go into school with him and sit next to him in class. Just to make sure he didn't get lost or forget to pay attention, of course. It was something my parents threatened my brother with. Apparently my parents threatened him with the same thing after he went to live with them. The absolute knowledge that we would do it, that it was not a threat at all, it was just what would happen, kept my son in class most of the time. At least enough to keep anyone from calling home about it.

    One thing that might work for you is to call and ask to have a meeting with the principal. Tell the principal that you are having a lot of behavior problems with your daughter. She is threatening you, having fits, refusing to do any homework, using drugs, and refusing to go to school. You are doing all you can to get her to school, but you need help. If you get her there, she leaves as soon as she can. What can the school do to help you? Let them know that she will be sweet as pie to them until she is thwarted. Can they send a truant officer? Can they drug test her?

    As for the threats of suicide, she is using them to manipulate you. I hate that. My husband tried it. I told him to either let me get the gun and show him how to do it so he wouldn't leave himself a vegetable that I had to take care of, to go and get help for whatever his problem was, or to NEVER let me hear those words again. I apparently scared the living poop out of him. I was not 100% sure he would not kill himself, I was 1000% sure. With your daughter, I would not go that route. I would make someone transport her to be evaluated, and I would remove whatever it is that she enjoys from her room when she returns, unless they keep her. If you threaten suicide and don't mean it, there should be a serious consequence.

    Maybe you cannot use a phone to record her because you cannot go and get it. Could you keep the phone in your pocket to record her when she goes off so that you don't have to go and get it? Or could you go and get an inexpensive security camera to set up in the living area of your home (set it up while she is not home, of course), aimed at an area where she is likely to have a fit? That way you have a chance to get a fit on video, even if it isn't the very next fit she has?

    One other thing you might consider is filing a CHINS petition with the court. This is a CHild In Need of Supervision petition. It puts your child in the supervision of a probation officer. She would get a curfew and a set of rules. She would also get drug tested. There may be fees involved, but you can probably talk to the court about working those off with community service (done by your daughter, I would hope). It would give you a source of support that might come in very handy.

    As to her telling you that you are isolating her or being mean by taking away her phone or whatever, those are pure nonsense. YOU are not doing anything to her. She is CHOOSING to have these consequences. Life is all about choices and their natural and logical consequences. If you choose to go out and get really drunk, you are going to have a hangover the next day. Your daughter wants to go and get drunk but not to have the hangover. She wants you to have it for her if it has to happen. It makes no sense, but it is what all of our difficult children expect. She sent nude photos of herself. What she doesn't know is that they may end up on the internet. If they do, they could be on there forever. She also used her phone to get drugs. That is against the rules and federal law. Maybe not state law, but it is against federal law. So she should not have a phone for a much longer time than a few weeks.

    You worry about her not being able to make a call if she is in trouble. You say she can fool people with her sweet girl act. Most of the world has a cell phone now. All businesses have phones. This means that she can go up to almost anyone and say she doesn't have her phone with her, can she borrow theirs? They will let her probably 95% of the time. So you have nothing to worry about if she ends up needing a phone. Hide the one that you took away from her, preferably not in your home (where she can and will search for it) so that you have it in case it is ever needed. Then keep refusing to allow her to have it. If she is given one, or if she buys one for herself, take it away too. Just because you didn't pay for it does not mean she is allowed to have it under your roof.

    Given the naked photos, I would take her door away. You cannot trust what she is doing in her room. She used that privacy to send naked photos to people. Some teens in the US have been prosecuted for producing and disseminating child pornography for sending nude selfies. She has CHOSEN to give up her privacy in her room.

    You might want to read Parenting Your Teen With Love & Logic by Fay and Cline. It is an excellent guide and full of practical advice.

    As for her father, he doesn't sound like a stable person. If you can, keep him out of her life. She is close enough to real trouble without having him smooth the way.

    I am glad you don't feel as alone as you did.