Welcome! Know that we are here to support you, no matter what! No one here will judge you, though we will be honest and tell you what we think. If we disagree with you, we will tell you. We won't tell you that we think you are awful or anything mean like that. This is a soft place for parents to land, and we truly mean that. I have been here for almost 15 years and it has been like that the entire time.
It will be easier for us to read and understand you if you put in some paragraph breaks. The spelling and punctuation isn't a big deal, we all mess those up and autocorrect is just the devil, isn't it? But separating a big block of text into paragraphs makes it a lot easier to read. Just a tip from someone who tends to write LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGG posts. If you think you babble, you ain't seen NOTHING yet!!!
You have every right to set and enforce rules for your daughter, no matter what. Yes, she will hate them and gritch and moan about them. (gripe+b.it.ch=gritch) I always figured it was part of a teenager's job to gritch about rules and punishments. It is your job to stand firm against her gritching and make the rules and consequences stand, even when it is hard. I know how miserable it is. My difficult child was incredibly violent from a very young age. I truly understand that part of what you are dealing with. You still have to make and enforce rules. And it still hoovers. (Hoover is a vacuum cleaner - what does a vacuum do to pull up dirt? __cks)
Take the phone away and get rid of it. That would be my advice. All of your daughter's friends have phones. So does most of the world. She can borrow someone's phone very easily if she has an emergency. She doesn't need one for any other reason. Right now she is using the phone you provide to take and distribute nude photos and to obtain marijuana, among other things. If she wants to do those things, she can go get a J.O.B. And not one that is illegal or requires Mom to provide transportation. You should NOT provide a phone for her to do things that you strongly object to. If she gets a phone with her own money, let her know that as long as she lives in your home, you will inspect the phone anytime you want. If you find material you object to on it, you will get rid of it and she won't have a phone in your home.
Yes, she will be paying for it. You are paying for her living expenses. If she wants to set her own rules for her things, she can go and pay for the roof over her head and the food she eats and her heat and the car and insurance and medication and all her other expenses. Until then, you can inspect her phone any and every time you want. Make it a rule and insist on it. Let her gritch and moan over it. If she gets violent, call the police and press charges for any damage and for assault if she harms you.
As for her doctor and his refusal to give referrals, either he isn't understanding or he is an idiot. He needs one more chance to get all of the information and if he won't give a referral, you need to take your daughter to a new doctor. She NEEDS a referral. How to give him all the information? First, the next time your daughter gets violent, use your phone to take video of it. If you can, see if your other daughter would be able to take video without your difficult daughter noticing. Make sure the doctor watched the entire video. Chances are does not understand the violence and rages you are talking about. He probably thinks she is talking back or maybe occasionally throwing something. You have to have something to shock him out of that mindset and get his attention. Video evidence is hard to refute, especially if there are a couple of videos.
The other thing that will help is to create a Parent Report. There is a link in my signature that will take you to a thread with the outline for the PR. What is the PR? It is one of the most powerful tools you can have in this fight to get help for your child. You write this report all about your daughter - the good things and the bad things, everything. Then you take it to every appointment and meeting at school. You keep it updated with everything that happens at appointments and other things. You also keep an extra copy or two with you in case you cannot send an electronic copy to a doctor because they use technology that doesn't work with your tech. You give copies of whatever sections you feel are appropriate to the doctors and therapists you are working with so that they have the information they need on your daughter as they are helping her.
I say this is the most powerful because it lets you answer questions and have any needed information at your fingertips. Doctors do NOT want to wait for an answer. I avoided many medication trial repeats by being able to verify that we had tried this medication and had this result during an appointment. Otherwise I would have had to either call the doctor back and waited for a return call (1-3 days or more) or even worse I would have had to wait for our next appointment 1-4 months away. I also was able to give test results done by one doctor to another doctor without waiting for records to be sent (can take weeks) because I had copies in my report.
The really fun part was when I had meetings at school. Often they would try to intimidate me by saying I didn't understand my child's testing or diagnosis or medication or some other thing that the doctors or therapists had explained. I would open my report to where the doctors had written what was needed for my child to succeed in school and why. Then I would go and ever so sweetly explain how what they were doing was exactly what the experts had said would harm my son's education and he needed these things instead. Other Moms here created the report and it is an INCREDIBLE tool to help you through this journey.
When you go to the doctor, take the Parent Report. You will have a section that is a summary of her behaviors, and you need to stress the most violent ones. It is time to let him know that you want referrals, not to ask him if you need them. There is a difference. If you ask if you need them, it gives him a choice. Telling him you want them is different. Let him know that you don't know if it is safe to have her live at home much longer as she keeps threatening to hurt you,attacking you, using drugs and she is sending out nude photos and endangering herself, and nothing that anyone is saying is working. You want a referral to a neuropsychologist and a psychiatrist both, and you will go to another doctor for her primary care if he won't give them to you. This has gone too far, she is violent and putting herself in dangerous situations, using drugs and enough is enough.
I just reread your original post. Did you mean to imply that she tells you she wants to kill herself? Or something else? If she texts you that she wants to hurt herself, take that text and call for transport to the nearest hospital with a psychiatric unit to evaluate her. They will be likely to send her home as she is not an immediate threat to herself or others.
If this happens, that is okay. Take her straight home. Don't drop her at a friends. Don't baby her and take her for a burger and a drink on the way home because she is hungry and it is late. Let her fix something fast at home. The more special you treat her, the more likely she will be to repeat it for attention. But you MUST take suicide threats seriously no matter what. Don't punish her for them, but don't reward her either. I know it is scary. Come here and post if/when it happens. Many of us have been through it. I used to have to take my son to a hospital almost 90 minutes away. It was worth it.
See, I told you that your babbling was nothing. I tend to write very long posts. Sorry if I overwhelmed you. I hope something here helps. Take what works for you and use it. Leave what doesn't work for you. It won't offend me at all. I offer what worked for my family. Your family is very different than mine, and of course what worked for us would be different. I just hope something helps and that you feel very welcome here. Know that we are always here and you are always welcome!
Merry Christmas a little bit late!
