tough love or meanness?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by secretly sad, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. secretly sad

    secretly sad secretly sad

    I just told my 19 yr old boy to leave the house forever and never come back. He did not finish highschool, does not have a job or a car. I feel sad and guilty. I did it because I found out he is selling drugs. All around me told me to do it, why could I not see this is the right thing to do??? Was it the right thing to do? Please tell me your opinions
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    You did the right thing.

    Selling drugs is illegal and dangerous, and brings all sorts of horror into your life. If your boy is selling drugs and living in your home, then he's bringing the devil to your doorstep and inviting him to make himself at home.

    It hurts and it's so very hard, but your safety and that of your other child were at stake.

    Have you changed the locks? Made sure that your house is secure? Taken any other safety measures?

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi, neighbor (I'm in DuPage County!)

    Hugs hugs for your hurting mommy heart. You did do the right thing. This will hopefully bring him to hitting his "bottom" sooner than later. With luck (and lots of prayers) he will seek help.

    You have my prayers. I am no stranger to addiction; I have 4 1/2 years clean and sober myself. Please feel free to PM me anytime.

    ((((((hugs))))) and welcome to the board.
  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry ... sending {{{{hugs}}}}. If he was selling drugs you could not let him stay. You had to do the right thing for him, which is also the hardest thing. And you have to protect his younger sib.

    That doesn't make it easier. {{{hugs}}} again.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes - I agree you did the right thing. I know it is so hard and you want to second guess yourself over and over. My son did the same thing - we had to ask him to leave also - it is dangerous for it to go on in your house - we had many close calls with people he was involved with and it put us in danger. It is illegal and you can get in trouble also.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    What were your choices? Have him stay and let druggies ultimately come to your home for their high? Have him stay and worry that he doesn't or can't pay for the drugs so the ones above come to your home to harm whomever is there to get their money? Have him stay and have the police come and arrest you for drug possession in your home? Those are all very real scenarios. You truly had no choice. Your son did and his choice was to put himself and those who love him at risk.

    I'm sorry this was what you had to do. Unless and until he is ready to truly change, quit using drugs (few dealers don't use and those few are usually at the very top of the drug chain), gets himself into and completes rehab, he isn't your son -- he's a person addicted to drugs. Don't entirely give up on him. He might turn himself around. It has been known to happen, there are even a few shining examples on this board.

    For now, many, many hugs. Come and talk to us when you're lonely, grieving or doubting. We'll be here for you. We understand your pain and your anger and your sorrow.

  7. So Tired

    So Tired Member


    I'm so sorry that it came to this. You have done the right thing - but that doesn't make it hurt any less! You can't change your son, only he can do that. You can only protect yourself and the rest of your family from his poor choices.

    Sending strength and courage your way...
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    It was absolutely the right thing to do! I agree with So Tired, you have to protect yourself. Sending lots of hugs to you.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm so very sorry your son made the choices he did, but I agree with the others, you did what you had to.

    Unfortunately, drug users seem to have to hit rock bottom before they realize they need help. This is the first step in allowing that to happen.

    So very, very sorry.
  10. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    Although I'm sure your mommy heart is breaking, there is no way I'd allow my son to live in my home while selling drugs. Heck, I wouldn't let him stay here while he was using - because I had a daughter living here and would not put her through the nightmare. Selling drugs? No way.

    Hopefully without the comfort of your home, he'll realize that he needs to change things.

    Sending hugs,
  11. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Like the others have said I too am sure your mommy heart is breaking but sometimes the tough love approach is the only way to deal with certain situations. I have been there done that with my difficult child and knew that she had to hit rock bottom and decide for herself that she no longer wanted the life of drugs and living on the streets (For three months she did). I had opportunity to grab her up for what some would call the save but I knew that it would never work out due to the fact that she was not ready to make better choices. The only way it does work out is if they are a willing participant. I was not about to have myself, my home or her brothers safety and well being compromised. Its a very uneasy feeling when you cannot feel safe in your own home because of the type of people that our kiddos choose to troll with. You just never know what they will do to get their next fix. Just letting you know that tough love does not mean that you stop loving or caring for your difficult child if anything it helps them. When my difficult child was on the street I was waiting for her to either get caught doing something stupid in the hopes of her at that point getting an intervention or hitting rock bottom. In her case she did hit rock bottom and came home. She is doing well, Thank god. You did the right thing.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry he made such terrible choices. It must hurt terribly. Kicking him out was the only safe choice you had.


  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree. We had to do the same thing. Our son is 24 and in jail now. He got caught for contributing to the deliquency of a minor in our neighborhood. We had told him not to hang around the kid but he didnt listen! Anyway his "friends" came in our house while his Dad and I and my easy child son were gone to work and school and stole all of my pcs XBox 360 things he had worked for. It doesnt pay to have them at home when you never know what is going to happen next. Also many times he had threatened my husband, his dad, and we were afraid he would go on a tyraid and kill us in our sleep. It was horrible - but we wont go there again.
  14. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    My eighteen year old is out of the house as well. I had the same kind of problems with him. It needed to be done I agree. I know it hurts..I cried daily. But all we can do is pray that they will turn their lives around. We cant continue to allow them to put us and the rest of our families through this. YOU and I both did the right thing. They are adults now. We did all we can to lead them in the right direction. It is now their decision to make on what kind of lives they want to live.
  15. ourlilrayofhope08

    ourlilrayofhope08 New Member

    good for you. i can only imagine how hard all of this drama must have been for you. i know that it may seem like its one thing after another and you wonder if and when its gonna end huh? the first sep is always the hardest ya know, but every step u take after that is easier and easier. if it were me i would have called the authorities on him and made sure he was made to pay for his "lapse in judgement" . they have to know that we as their parents are always gonna do the right thing even if it means turning in our own children. right is right and wrong is wrong and selling drugs is absolutely wrong. i,too have had to show my child some form of tough love at several times throughout this past year or so. and so i know that it is one of the hardest things any parent could have to just know u are not alone, and u did what u felt u had to do to keep some form of normal, structured living in your home. be strong. believe me there is a light at the end of the tunnel and no it is not a train. hahahaha
  16. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    You certainly did the right thing. The situation could not be allowed to go on with the drug dealing jeopardising you and your other son. Still, kicking out a child is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I'm sorry you had to go through that ordeal, and admire your courage in doing so.
  17. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    You need to realize something else as well: living in IL means that the authorities can seize your house if there are drugs found in it, or if a drug dealer is living in it.

    It's a rough decision to make; but it is one you HAVE to make for the safety and security of the rest of your family.

    You can't "fix" an addict. They have to want to fix themselves, and anything other than putting them out and letting them hit their personal rock bottom is actually enabling them to continue living the addict lifestyle.

    I'm not sure if anyone else recommended this, but you really need to check into Narc-anon or Al-anon, which are groups aimed at helping/supporting family members of addicts.

  18. judi

    judi Active Member

    I think you did the right thing. I'm an APN and as professionals we have a lot to lose if we knowingly allow drugs in our house. IDPH is firm about this.
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree. Any kind of tough love we have shown - calling the PO and having them taken to jail, calling the police, calling the bondsman, etc. is because we dont want them to die. We are still trying to save their life. when my son was out on the street I feared more for his life than when he was in jail. I hated to turn my son in - but if I hadnt he probably wouldnt be living today - I hope in time he will know that I loved hiim so much I did the hardest thing I could do for him - You cant allow someone to do illegal things in your home. You could get in trouble for enabling him. Sometimes you just wish they would just get it and quit doing all this stuff that gets them in trouble. We all need hope.
  20. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I feel for you, i will be where you are in another year or so, I hope difficult child I changes b4 then but it is not looking too promising.