Ugh the pressure has started.....need strength

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Well we are still out of the country. difficult child called last night and after 3 tries I was able to get the call before he gave up and hung up..."costing us Everytime for the call!

    Anyway of course he is not happy about being in jail, he did say he relapsed, did not tell us much about what led to it, at one point I did ask if he now sees he has a problem with addiction and he said no shhh..... That's obvious. So at least now he admits that which is progress. That's the good news.

    But really the whole call was about getting me to money in canteen! He knows we are out of the country until Sunday and the orders for canteen are on Monday so he was begging me to call someone to go put money in for me!! I said no I wouldn't do that. I also said I didnt think we were going to do canteen this time....that he needed to,live with the consequences...that I always tried to make him feel better and I need to stop doing
    D that I was really frustrated.

    Well he got pretty nasty at that point with one minute left on the call. I said to him that wasn't going to help him that it would just make me angry and then he hung up.

    I turned the phone on silent and went to bed,,,,there have been 2 missed calls from him! I would like to think he is calling to apologize because he knows he shouldn't talk to me like that but I know its to try to convince me to get money in thoe canteen,

    At one point hoe said dont leave me our to dry......and now I am thinking is his desperation really for some soup and Oreos? No I am now thinking it is to have something to trade or gamble with!

    I think I am going to send him a letter and include a self addressed envelope if he wants to write back.

    I am sure he will call again today....haven't decided if I will take the call or have husband do it or just not answer,


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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    They can get paper, envelope, and a stamp. He can declare himself indigent.
  3. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Toughlovin, I am admiring you this morning for not bending to his demands. It is so hard to not help them because it totally goes against our giving, selfless maternal natures. Stay strong.
  4. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Great job standing your ground. It is hard to accept that our adult children are not interested in a decent relationship with us. They are only interested in manipulation to get what they want.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah, I remember the being for money on the account before time was up. She had the ability to make me feel really bad and later I found that sperm donor was also putting money on her books!

    I would definitely let him feel the full weight of the consequences for HIS choices. Enjoy the rest of your vacation!

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  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    * begging not being

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  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keep that phone off at least until you get back home. I wouldn't put one cent in his canteen acct. I agree you handle this so much better than I could.
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    This is not yours to solve, he made his bed...

    Keep being strong. Enjoy your vacation. Xo
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Im sorry he is being this way to you. He has always seemed to be somewhat loving towards you even at the worst of times. When they turn it leaves us feeling so lost and at odds with how we thought we knew them.

    I do know that canteen is very important to them there is no reason he should threaten you when you are not even home. If it works like here, if Monday is the day they put in for canteen, then it wouldnt matter in the least if you had someone take him money today.

    Im so sorry.

    I am going through my own hell with mine even though he isnt in jail. Heck I wish he was because then I would not have to worry about him showing up to bother me.
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Once we say no, then we get hit with their anger. It's really not about the canteen, it's about him not having control in jail, and trying to control something. Or someone.

    What about our anger? We are so sick and tired of this. I am angry at the disease, at the relentless nature of it all, at difficult child's refusal to face reality, at so many things.

    TL, they are okay in jail. Not great, but okay. My difficult child has now been there either 8 or 9 times. The last several times (3 or 4, lost count) I haven't put a penny on an account and nobody else in our family has either.

    Don't fall for the sob stories. Why should we give them money when all they do is the same thing over and over again?

    If the money was helping someone who was trying to help themselves, then that makes some sense. Helping fund the revolving door of jail makes no sense to me. I am not responsible for paying for your incidentals out of jail---why would I pay for them when you are in jail.

    Memo to difficult child: Stay out of jail. Then you don't need money in a canteen.

    Anyway, TL, hang in there. Decide what you want to do and will do whatever it is. Write it down. Don't get sidetracked by difficult child. Stick to your decisions whatever they are.

    Hugs to you tonight.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks all. Well I caved at least partially. He called us tonight when we had just arrived at the airport. I talked with him while husband was waiting for our bags. He said can we talk about the canteen in a respectful way. He said he understood tough love but there was a difference between tough love and suffering! The thing is tonight he sounded so despondent and vulnerable that it made me sad.... and sad gets me every time!

    And he did say he understood why I wanted to do this.... and I asked him why and he said because you think I am not learning anything! I said well thats true.... anyway we did have some back but we also had some good communication in the process of it. At one point after telling him he has no idea of what he has put me through I told him that i really loved him, and that he needs to really get that... and my voice broke as I was almost crying. He said yes and you have to stop otherwise I will cry and I dont want to do that in front of people here!!

    Anyway so I did run over (we live 5 min from the jail) and put some money in the canteen for him. Less than in the past but something. I just couldnt not do it.... and as my brother told me, putting money in the canteen is not going to hurt him. And I think that is true.

    I know in another thread we have talked about some of the issues of adoption... and one thing I think adoptive kids deal with is the whole issue of abandonment..... and so because of that I think I want to bend over backwards never to abandon him. That is partly my issue.

    Anyway that is where I am tonight.... home sweet home.... and feeling tired and vulnerable with difficult child issues.


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  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Is there any way to find out what he buys with the money? I know in lunch accounts through the school I can see what the kids buy and cut them off when it is junk.

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  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    No I dont think there is any way for me to do that...Lol a little different environment than school. I mean some of what he needs I wish I could just bring or send him (like a sweatshirt or stamps) but I cant send him anything. Even books can only be sent through the publisher!!

    I guess it is good that they dont let packages in.....but it is a pain.


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  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Having adopted kids, they need to be treated the same way you'd treat any child or they feel different and not quite accepted. At least that is what the psychologist I saw who only sees adopted kids told me.

    This is a little off topic, but it may make you smile a bit.

    I read in an adoption magazine or book that if an adopted child starts using guilt by saying "you're not my real mom" when they are angry and trying to throw a dart at you, you should say something like, "Your birthmother would agree with me." I never thought I'd use it but one day Julie was angry at me and said, "My REAL mother would be nice to me."

    I said calmly, "Your birthmother would react the same as I am, considering the circumstances."

    That stopped her. She was

    I never heard about her "real" mom that way again.

    I think sometimes we think our adopted kids are more fragile than they are. I do agree they can easily suffer from abandonment issues, but they do know how to behave if we taught them. Not abandoning them emotionally does not mean we have to give them money and enable illegal behavior. Adopted kids have to live in the real world too.

    I don't think putting a small amount of money in the canteen will destroy him, but unless you know what he is using it for...well, a lot of illegal stuff goes on in jail. Sounds funny, but it's true. Maybe he'll have to sit and think about what he is doing with his life if he can't gamble or do what they do with their money in jail. I guess it's a waiting game...

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks MWM....I put in less than I have in the past, and he did go on about how it is cold and he cant get a sweatshirt etc. Too bad it is summer. I am willing to put some in each week but not a lot.... it is true that we cant send them anything so the only way they can get anything is through the canteen. He did gain weight the last time he was in jail which I think was due to the snacks he was getting. LOL.

    Funny on the adoption stories. When difficult child was about 9 he came home and told me that I wasnt his real mother! Another kid had told him if he was adopted then the person he called mom wasnt his real mom. So I looked at him and said I was very real and his birthmother was real. No one was fake in adoption we are all real. We ended up having this family joke about how I wasnt made of rubber that I was real.

    I suspect that I would react the same way to my difficult child if he was a biological child. It just hurts so much when they are hurting and vulnerable. It may be pure manipulation on his part but it still works on me. I do much better with detachment when I am mad than when I am sad for him.

    Anyway I feel ok putting some money in the canteen...I am reminded that although he is an adult he is only 22 and his maturity level is less than that.


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  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hey...I get it. I always worry too that my adopted kids need to feel loved and accepted and since my daughter came close but never made it to jail, God only knows what I'd do if she had. If it makes YOU feel better, hey, you did the right thing :)

    I like the "real" story