Update and advice


New Member

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my daughter, who had ended up homeless in another city. she called and said she wanted to do inpatient, so we bought her a bus ticket home. She was admitted to in patient psychiatric (not substance abuse). She stayed 5 days and they had her on several medications which she said were helping. She and the providers seemed optimistic. husband picked her up from in patient and took her to her apartment, and provided her with groceries for a week. She went to a therapist they had set up for her but she didn't like her. A week following her release she had a follow up appointment with the psychiatrist (who my daughter adored). My husband saw her again the day prior and I talked to her the previous night, she definitely knew she had the appointment. Transportation had been arranged for her by the hospital.

I got a call a half hour past her appointment time the next day from her doctor asking if she was okay. She didn't show up. I was too mad to talk to her so I texted to see where she was. Several hours later she texted 'I fell asleep.' That was the last exchange i had with her.

My husband and I had planned on going to see her (an hour away) today originally, but decided not to initiate anything since she is clearly not helping herself. I am very confident that she did not reschedule her appointment. I believe she would have told me because she likes when we are proud of her.

She called just now and didn't leave a voicemail. I am debating whether to call her back as I have nothing positive to say. She couldn't roll out of bed and go to her free transportation for her appointment. I am assuming that's because she wasn't taking her medications to sleep so she didn't go to sleep until 6 am as she had been prior to going into treatment. I am also assuming that she is back to stripping for money. I don't have any proof of any of these things. Only facts I know are she's seeing a man that is at least my age, and she didn't go to her appointment. And she was stoned out of her mind a week ago when my husband last saw her.

What would you do? If she's not working she has no groceries, but we told her to apply for food stamps. I am paying for her to have internet but her phone will stop working tonight. She can use her wifi, however.

At some point I have to explicitly say we will not help her if she wont' help herself, but I guess I am trying to prolong the inevitable. Also, I know she knows that. She is most definitely ashamed of her behavior.

Advice? We are not going out of our way to help her, I am just not sure what to say to her about it.


Well-Known Member
Let her go to food pantries and shelters to eat. Food pantries provide lots of good food. Why does she need the internet?

As long as she wont work and stayed high, my personal acts towards her (which is what I did to my daughter...AND SHE QUIT!) WOULD BE NO MONEY, NO TOYS, absolutely NO CAR. I would write a list telling her where to apply for food assistance, the addresses of food pantries, where to apply for SSI (WHICH WILL GET HER A CARING CASEWORKER AND MEDICAID) and addresses of shelters and county drug rehabs. It is up to her to get the available help. But you told her where to go.

My daughter quit because we backed off (it was gut wrenching) and did nothing for her, not a dollar. She was shown the door to our home; our sanctuary. Her reason for quitting was "Drug life is too hard." It SHOULD be damn hard in my opinion.

Now she is free of meth and cocaine, responsible and we are close ..Tough love worked a miracle. Nothing else worked. Not even close.

Good luck


New Member
Somewhere out there, I hear you - we are somewhere on that journey. We kicked her out. She has an apartment; we still get adoption assistance for her for another 7ish months so the agreement was that I would use that to pay for her apartment until it runs out, then she's on her own. She has a horrible history of abuse and was in foster care for 14 years, so some days the tough love is extra hard but it's getting easier.

I called her back to get it over with. She said she messed up and slept through her appointments. I asked her what she's been doing for the past week. She said cooking and cleaning "normal stuff Mom, hope you're not mad at me." I told her I am mad, because she made no effort to reschedule. She said she couldn't find the number and tried to call me for it (I had no voicemails or anything). I told her that was bullsh*t and she hung up on me. Later she texted me a long sob thing about me not trusting her (i don't) and that I am just giving up on her. She is very good at trying to tug the heartstrings. She also texted me a screen shot of her call records with a call out to me that day. Great. But right before that was a missed call from her doctor AND her checking her voicemail, which was from her doctor. (!!) really??

I responded with a text and said "what I am calling BS on is you trying to reschedule and not being able to find your doctor's number. you had a missed call and a voicemail from her. if you don't want to go be honest."

I wasn't thrilled with myself for saying it was BS but the outcome is fine. I am so sick of excuses. I don't want to hear them anymore. Even when she went to inpatient she made a huge deal about how she was making this huge sacrifice and doing it for me and my husband. I told her repeatedly that was not the reason to do it and not to go if that was the point, because it wouldn't do anything for her.


Well-Known Member
Could you give her a months notice that you will stop supporting her. If she asks about the adoption assistance money, say that you will save it and use it for her future help, once she is on the right track?

How old is she and did she have a disability that caused her to have a subsidy?

What has she been diagnosed with?



Well-Known Member
All kids adopted in the U.S. out of foster care are considered special needs and get a subsidy. Being fourteen at adoption time is a huge special need in of itself.


Well-Known Member
It's difficult to know where to draw the line isn't it? Mental issues are so tough to deal with. It seems like she needs more community supports than they are willing to give her....or you. Her background is complicated. She is lucky to have you in her life.


New Member
She has been diagnosed with complex ptsd, adhd, depression... she also fits the criteria for borderline personality disorder. She really needs long term psychiatric inpatient, but medicaid doesn't cover it. She's smart and responds quickly when she feels like people are invested in her care, so she was released quickly from the hospital. She doesn't do well on her own but we aren't able to let her live with us anymore. I am in therapy and am trying to learn better ways to respond to her, especially with the assumption she may have Borderline (BPD). At that point it's not just about not enabling, but also about not invalidating her experiences. it's a difficult combo..