update on husband

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Feb 13, 2011.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So far so good. Monday he had a rough night, but he has done well after that. Went to his DDA meeting on Wed and Fri, saw pain doctor on Wed and also primary doctor, saw psychiatrist on Thursday. He broke down crying in psychiatrist's office over what he had put his family through, and said psychiatrist was almost in tears too. psychiatrist is trying depakote as husband is still having some strange thoughts (not sure if they are suicidal, but would not doubt it).

    I did not go to psychiatrist visit with him, I have been over involved and am stepping back. I did fax psychiatrist a note so he would know what is going on, as I had been so involved that I felt he should know what I was doing, as before if I did not go to an appointment it was a red flag that he was not living at home and things were not going well. husband came home and told me that from now on his mental health stuff was between him and psychiatrist, it stresses me out too much to be involved in it. Probably true, and fine with me. I think husband will be more honest with psychiatrist if I am not involved, even though before I did not always go back into the room and sat in the the lobby many times.

    Pain doctor is scheduling more nerve ablations. Hopefully that will help with his pain, and he will start Savella for fibro pain next week sometime too. Managing his pain is now much more complicated and he has many fewer options. Eventually I could see pain doctor putting in a pain pump, but I would suspect that pain doctor would want husband to be clean and sober for awhile before he did that.

    husband has been helping around the house a little more. He helped me fold and put away the mountain of laundry and we had the laundry couch cleared of for just over a day. He played monopoly with the kids last night and I went to bed early. Really, his whole perspective has changed. He told me that it (life??) should be about the kids, and he thought it was before but it wasn't, it was about him finding drugs. He says we need to find time for us and only us (wow, really????). When he goes to the meetings I drive and wait in the car(doesn't bother me, gives me an hr to sleep or play on my phone) and that gives us a half hour each way to talk. He really seems to enjoy the meetings, and I think that is because they combine mental health with substance abuse. I think he feels like he fits in there, and that is good.

    I realize that this is a day by day thing, and will be for a long time if not forever. But for now? Things are better. His sleep is still messed up, but he and psychiatrist are working on that. psychiatrist will see him again Monday, so psychiatrist is keeping a very close eye on him.

    Yesterday we both went in the bedroom to take a nap, and usually I just cannot bring myself to cuddle. Just too much bs is usually going on. I fell asleep on his chest, and woke up that way.

    He was denied his SSDI as he does not have enough work credits as he has not worked in so long, but we do qualify for him to get on SSI, so we have an appointment in March at the local Social Security office to start that procedure. They asked if we wanted a phone or an in person appointment, and I went with the in person appointment. Just seems better. We will both go, and I hope he gets that. At this point anything would help.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What a pleasant update. It sounds like you are disengaging appropriately with obvious caring. I hope the progress continues and life improves. Hugs. DDD
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Things sound about as positive as you could hope for at this point. How are the kids holding up?
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This sounds very good. I hope the nerve ablation helps. They tried the procedure they do before that to test if that is going to work on me and it failed miserably. I have heard good things about Savella but I am leery of it because it is in the AD category and I worry about tipping into mania.

    Have they considered methadone or suboxone for pain for him? I would think maybe the suboxone would be a more likely choice even because it is for both. I am on methadone for pain and it seems to help quite a bit. I have never had a substance abuse issue and I do get the raised eyebrows when I tell people I am on methadone though. Its like...you were a heroin junkie? LOL. Especially funny considering how large I am.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad things are going well right now:)
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh , that makes me SO happy for the two of you. How much you needed it!!!!
    (How much I need it - but that is a different story:) )
    Like you said, just take one day at a time.
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    The kids are doing ok, they have their moments as we all do, but for now they seem to be doing as well as can be expected.

    Janet, he has tried suboxone and it did not help much, and for now they do not want to do methadone due it being a commonly abused medication. He has done many nerve ablations and they help. Savella is kind of scary, but really I would rather have him try the Savella vs Cymbalta. I don't think Savella is even used as an ad anymore, and it could tip him into mania, but we are titrating up and starting low and going slow. We have to do something. So we will see what happens. Hopefully it will help.

    He has an appointment at an outpt drug rehab place tommorrow and also with psychiatrist. I am glad that psychiatrist is keeping a close eye on him, that makes me feel much better. husband is able to pull the wool over pain doctor's eyes, but not psychiatrist. psychiatrist sees through husband's **** like I have never seen, it is really funny and husband knows it.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like things are going well!
  9. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    So glad that things are progressing in the right direction...but it is a long road ahead. Glad he was able to pull back from disaster and that you held firm. keeping my fingers crossed for you.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    yeah...I have heard of people abusing methadone. Have no idea why but then I dont see the attraction in it. I dont like taking my noon dose...lol. I forget it half the time.

    Maybe the patch would be better...unless you are really hard core abuser, it would be difficult to abuse. Especially now that they are so thin. The older ones actually had a bit of a jell type feel but the newer ones are flat and like a sticker. I would think that unless you distilled it in someway you wouldnt get the fentanyl out of the patch. I tried the patch before I went on the methadone but it was simply too strong for me this time around. I used it successfully years ago but this time it just made me very ill. I even started out at the lowest dose and even cut it to a smaller amount.
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Ummmm, Janet, a fentanyl patch can be scraped. Not an option either. He has really put himself between a rock and a hard place.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Hi ya! I started to write things, and I'm just not even sure what to write. I've been in so many places similar to where you are right now that it's kind of a mixed bag of emotions as to what you say.about your husband - so I'll just start with I'm glad he's finding places he feels comfortable in, getting help and making an effort towards recovery. From the bottom of my heart I mean that.

    Mostly however; my thoughts and heart are with you since mosty of your heart has been drug through it over and over again, and I wish I didn't know how you felt right now. (shrug) Maybe you don't feel anything, maybe you feel a mix of happiness and bitterness, maybe a sense of relief and anger - like finally - but WOW why so late, why couldn't this have happened sooner? I've been robbed, but oh well at least better late than never. Or maybe you are just one of those very rare women who feel so thankful for any recovery and you are so appreciative that no amount of guilt ever slips into your mind. If you are? Good for you, but if you have any of the other mixed feelings? You know you aren't alone right? Yeah, you don't have to answer me, but I just wanted you to know - there is a kind of anger that exists from living with the things you have been with a husband who has the issues yours has - and it's okay to be angry, and finding help for you - perfectly normal. Being mad as hades? Normal. Wanting to just scream at the top of your lungs 'THIS IS NOT FAIR' - even after things are on the mend - when it seems like that would be the worst time to stand up and say it? VERY normal. Almost seems like if you say it out loud? You're admitting lunacy.

    When I was with my x? He was/is an addict. He would use rehab like a revolving door and each time? I'd get hopeful. Each time he'd stay sober for a short period of time and each time I'd pray this would be it until it wasn't and then I'd fall. Until I just finally couldn't take it anymore. Our marriage despite all attempts to save it on my part ended after 13 years. Then I met husband and things were great until he broke his back, had multiple surgeries, and ended up on SSDI, and methadone and pain medications. It was like - me sitting in the yard talking to God and saying "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?" lol. (the answer was nothing of course) but.....still didn't make me any less angry and finally I let it go in therapy and dealt with it. I just had NO idea I was that (angry,regretful, spiteful, sad, bitter, vindictive, .....and add about 100 other adjectives that range from depressed to euphoric, fake) and there you'll have me - I was a mess trying to hold it together and literally failing miserably.

    I guess my point here is - Girlfriend - Take care of yourself. Sounds like husband has enough people looking out and understanding his problems all the way 360. How about you? Now that YOU don't have to be the ONLY one taking care of him.....Use some of THAT time to take care of you or have someone else - TAKE care of YOU. It's a huge hole that is left when people like our husband's find help/sobriety/clarity - and start doing the things in life that we wished for so long that they would do and believe it or not - if you don't recognize it or have someone to talk to about it? You can get REALLY resentful about it - very quick. Sounds weird doesn't it? It's like you wanted him to get well, now he's well and now you hate him for it. You don't think you do - but part of you may. I didn't even know I did. It was just weird. Can't even tell you why- except maybe I felt like I wasn't needed....and it wasn't a needed that I needed to be needed for. Complicated huh?

    I just want to be sure that YOU are taking care of YOU! If you aren't in therapy for all that is going on? I suggest it highly. There are going to be days that are SO stressful coming up that screaming won't help. And if there are days that seem like (maybe are not) but seem like it to you - where husband does not live up to YOUR expectations of the day? WOW - are you going to get angry (snap) like that......you need to know those warning signs and have a plan for yourself - and an outlet.

    Hope this makes sense - and does not offend. I'm trying to explain it best I can. I love my husband too - but I was NEVER more glad to be going to therapy for Dude when he had his back surgery - because a LOT of that time? I spent talking about husband ------and his recovery.

    Hugs & Love
    Hope all is VERY well.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star you make a good point.

    Crazymom...I never would have thought you could scrape them. Gosh Im living under a rock...lol. See...obviously not an addict...lol. Wouldnt even occur to me.

    Back to Star. I do think that Tony gets mighty resentful of me sometimes. I know he does. Some of the things that come out of that mans mouth make me so mad. I really dont think he gets my issues one bit. He has gone to therapy with me a few times and when he talks about me it is obvious he basically thinks I am taking too many medications and being lazy. His attitude is he works and I dont. Never mind that I do my best to attempt to do what I can around here when no one else lifts a darned finger. For me its like shoveling snow with a spoon while its still snowing.

    He truly resents that I am home while he goes to work but I also resent that he can go to work. I would give anything to be able to work again. He doesnt understand that. He somehow thinks I have a grand old time sitting home sleeping all day. Well I sleep half the day because I am up most of the night for various reasons including him. He kicks me constantly at night and with only a queen bed, I cant get away from him. He literally spreads completely all over the bed so I only have a tiny piece and then he is kicking and thrashing. He has horrible restless legs. Then of course there is Mandy and Cory who are complete night owls and they come and go at all hours of the night with cars in the yard which keep me up too. Doors opening and closing. Them yelling. I cannot wait till they leave. I am trying to instill a midnight curfew because there are times that I actually do get to sleep and then some idiot comes to the house and wakes me up. Whenever anyone comes to the house my dog barks like all get out so there is no sleeping through that.

    Of course, Tony thinks I should have everything done in the house every day. Dinner done, kitchen clean, clothes washed and put away. Yeah right. Im lucky if I can manage to actually cook a meal and get the dishes washed. I have a huge pile of clothes that is a mountain high that needs to get gone through. I have no idea how we get so many clothes. Probably because if we cant find something we go buy new. And with all the stuff stuffed in the laundry we can never find anything. I try to organize but its a disaster because no one will cooperate. I have bought so many laundry baskets and asked that we use them to put dirty clothes in for each of us. Even just me, tony and keyana...and then each of us can do our clothes...the others be damned. That I will make sure those baskets get done if he will just make sure he puts those clothes in each basket...dirty first, then when clean, back into the basket so I can fold and put away. Nope...cant do that. Takes dirty off and throws them either where they fall or on the floor in front of the washer...sigh. Then everyones stuff gets mixed up.

    I have basically given up but then I get stupid remarks and blamed. Its a never ending cycle with me ending up feeling useless and bad.
  14. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Star, I get what you are saying about the resentful when they get better piece. I have been there before when husband did better for a period of time. I have not had that happen this time, but it would not shock me if it came back. I completely and totally get the what did I do to deserve this? too. been there done that, have the book, and feel like I could write the book. And again? would I be shocked if it came back? Nooo, but at the same time I have worked through those feelings,those issues, so I feel more at peace with them. I tend to hang out in the waiting for the next shoe to fall territory, but this time I am different, I am not hanging out there. I know what my boundaries are, and I know what I will do if they get crossed. I think I am down to my last straw, so to speak. Saying that, I have decided that our future is at this point up to him, if he chooses to stay sober then we have a future. I have made him leave the house more times than I can count and have left him at the hospital (medical one) twice when he discharged himself ama or refused to follow the plan he had made with the docs. And you know what? Somehow I am ok with that. I am not angry or resentful yet (not so say I won't get that way).

    As for therapist? Do you think I would have survived this far without one? I have had one for years, on and off and I really do not think now is the time to stop. She has seen me through good and bad, and that won't stop. There is no way I would have made it through all of this half way sane without her.

    Time for myself???? Star honey, who are you kidding? husband aside, I have a very needy difficult child and a easy child who could be a difficult child, I have to schedule her to see the psychiatrist that difficult child sees. She and husband think she could be BiPolar (BP), and they could be right. I see a lot of anxiety and depression, but the manic signs are there too. It will be hard to accept a diagnosis for her, and I am glad and very fortunate to have a psychiatrist that I trust to give her a thorough evaluation. So we will see. easy child has been through 2 tdocs who came highly reccomended, and the first she said was nice, she just did not do anything. The second one? Was mean and kept looking at her watch during the session. She has decided that therapy is worthless and she does not need it. Nice huh? And to top it all off? husband went to the ER yesterday as he could not breathe, and was told he was having an asthma attack triggered by having bronchitis and pneumonia. They gave him a shot of what I suspect was a steroid, put him on prednisone (60mg a day, can you say wow, lookout for manic man?) and zithromax (which has never worked for him) so that has me a bit worried. He was already amped up last night, and I don't have much hope that it will get better. I just hope we can get through the course of prednisone without another hospitalization at psychiatric hospital. He did see psychiatrist yesterday after his ER trip, and psychiatrist upped his depakote from 500mg to 1000mg so maybe that will help to keep him in check, who knows.

    For now Starbie, I am going day by day. That is the only way I know how to survive.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Fingers crossed! What a life.I love the part where you fell asleep on his chest.You are holding up remarkably well.