Update on M, and a little L

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Oct 9, 2008.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'll start with L because it's easier. I sent her an e-mail joke the other day. She responded that she was glad to hear from me. Pretty innocuous, but about the level I'm comfortable with.

    We've been talking with M a couple or three times a month. He is still working at L's dad's office, but not for her dad. He told husband that his direct boss was out of town on her honeymoon the past week or so, and M had done something (I don't know what - 'taken too much of his own initiative) that he was worried that he was overstepping his bounds and making unilateral decisions that might get him in trouble when the boss got back.

    I called M yesterday to see how he was. He told me the same thing, and that his boss was back and he had asked for a meeting to "explain what he had done and ask if he was in trouble." His 90 days isn't up until November. I suggested that he keep the meeting, but change his approach. It's a small office and I'm sure that three days back the boss had heard whatever it was he had done. Something to do with arrogance, I'm sure. But probably not overt arrogance. I suggested that he approach it as a one on one job progress meeting, and ask how he was doing and if there was anything that they wanted him to work on. If the boss brought something up that she wanted him to change, he could do that before November instead of letting it fester or office territorial lines be drawn. He was clearly worried that he might be out of the job, and wants to keep it. He is also working part time at a Game Crazy place and getting extra shifts in case the office job was going to go away, but has to transfer buses to get to both places.

    He called yesterday to say that he had spoken to his boss and it went well. He was glad that he approached it on a positive note, and thanked me for my advice. His boss said she was happy with his work and they felt that in November he would be asked to stay. He is looking at a room in a house that is a ten minute walk to the office job and is also on the busline, and a 20 minute ride to the Game Crazy job.

    It's really hard not to offer to help get him an apartment of his own, or offer to help get a car. He doesn't know how to drive, so I'm not as eager to jump into that one. I'm proud of him for finally getting it that while there may be some short term freebies in the world, in the long run there are no free rides. At least, none that you'd like to take. It's really hard to reconnect after so long. I don't even know that "reconnect" is the right word. Our old relationship was built on him acting out and my rescuing him or making decisions for him. My role has changed as much as his has, and while I know I'm not what I used to be to him, I'm not sure how to be anything else. Detachment was easy compared to this.

    Anyway, at least I can say I am happy with where he is at. I think that one day soon I will ask him out to lunch and we will talk about moving on. Not yet, but soon.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    All in all, a good update. Thanks for sharing.

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Good update. With all you've been through with M I'm glad you are taking it slow, but I'm also glad that you are starting to build a relationship.

    And L---well, email communication is good for now. Just keep your boundaries up.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    These baby steps are good, Witz. :thumbsup:

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. I want L to know that I am still her mom and I am not walking out on her. But big family stuff? Even little family stuff? No thank you, Ma'am. I'm not interested in it right now. I did my due diligence that I am not cutting her off. But I'm not getting all involved with her, either.

    by the way, you have to wonder what is going on with her boyfriend. He's a sales manager at a car dealer. Life is not good for those people right now, and he was never shy about spending every penny he had. He also didn't mind walking away and starting over. Last time he overextended, he sold his place, kicked L out and moved in with a friend. I'm sure she doesn't think that will happen again, as she has invested three years into roping him back in. But, I don't see a ring on her finger and have never heard a word of commitment from him.

    Her business. I'm watching it like a spectator, not a participant.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Witz a good update. :)

    Proud of M for being smart enough to take your advice. And glad this job seems to be working out for him. Sounds like he's working hard. And that's never a bad thing.

  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Good move on L. I like how you're keeping the door open but keeping your distance. Until she understands boundaries, I'd say emails are a great way to go.

    As to M, it sounds like he is really trying hard. Sounds like the talk with the boss went really well. Hopefully, she knows what he did so there aren't any surprises in the future. That would be awful.

    Honestly, I think it would be hard for me not to give him some help in getting an apartment. I think I'd offer to pay the deposit and last month's rent but he'd have to come up with the rest to move in. It wouldn't be a freebie since he'd still have to come up with some of the money but it would give him a real goal and something to make working this hard worthwhile.

    Here's hoping he keeps making his momma and board aunties proud!
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I am keeping the e-mails to L down to jokes and pictures for now. And waiting for her to take her turn. That way there's nothing to fight about.

    M hasn't asked for an apartment, so I have to assume that he knows what he can afford. Roommates keeps him having to get along with people, so that's a good thing. I know that in the area he is in he would have to have a very good job to have a place of his own. But, I have been refilling our kitchen cabinets out of boxes for the past week, on and off, from the remodel. I am looking out for things that he can use to give to him. I already have a toaster and glasses and dishes. There may be some pots and pans, but I have pretty good stuff and gave most of the old stuff to L. She abandoned it several boyfriends ago.
  9. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Emails sound good to me too, witz. I've been on email status with my sis for close to five years now and our relationship has never been better. ;) For a long time it was just jokes and photos, mostly from her, and then she slowly began to send me family updates ... I am super careful what I tell her now, and what we 'talk' about, and it's just easier for me to keep those boundaries up in writing rather than via too many conversations. Good for you for standing your ground while showing that you're willing to communicate in appropriate ways.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OH WITZ - you just gave me a NEW catch phrase.....thanks.....

    I am watching like a spectator not a participant.....

    BRILLIANT - really, why didn't I think of that? :tongue:

    I'll keep hoping for that lunch. And in turn you keep hoping for me too - my lunch is a LOT farther off I fear.

  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Katya, that gives me hope that you guys are doing well at the e-mail relationship. I am able to see things in the long run, so that does help.

    Star, I know that one day you will be thinking about lunch, too. So far I have not done lunch for six years, so I hope it won't be quite so long for you. But, better to wait than to do it wrong, I think.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Witz, it's wonderful to hear such an upbeat story about M. It's reassuring to know that there are changes happening for some of our difficult child's.

    In the end, we will never cut that cord completely. We are just detached, waiting for them to have an "aha" moment. Sounds like M is making that leap.
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Witz, I am very happy to hear this positive update.
    I think your approach with L and e-mail is the right one. You get to leave the door open, but don't have to be standing right in the doorway dealing with the drama.

    As for M, what a wonderful thing...I think your approach of not wading in to help too much is the right one. He needs to (and deserves to) earn this for himself. I do hope that you're able to get together for lunch sometime soon. That's a far off dream for me and my difficult child, but I see how much progress you've made and it gives me hope.

  14. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Dear Witz,

    I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier to this update.

    Your attitude with L sounds really sensible to me. You are so right not to cut off contact. But keeping it on a low but steady level via e-mails seems sort of safe. You have stated very very clearly how much you are prepared to put up with vis-a-vis her attitude to your relationship (or non-relationship) with your family, and this way she can't really "get" at you, which seems to me to be very clever.

    Regarding "L", it sounds really great. My theory is that they reach an age where a bit of sense kicks in in their brains and they start to behave like decent normal adults. Sometimes when one thing goes right it starts a chain reaction, restoring to them their sense of self-worth. So the job situation sounds good, and let's hope that it is the beginning of a chain of "things going right." (We are experiencing something similar with our difficult child at the moment, and I am a bit scared to write about it because I don't want to put the mockers on it. He is also 22 years old, like your "M".)

    Love, Esther
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same way, Esther. I was very reluctant to say anything. But, I've shared all the awful tough stuff with you guys, and I need to share the hopeful tough stuff, too. If I fall flat on my face, I'll share that as well, but here's to hoping that I won't have to!