She got out of jail Saturday night, a few days early. We received the phone call asking us to pick her up at 7:30 Sat. night. My past reaction to that news would be dread, worry, apprehension and probably some resentment. What happened was, I had no reaction, I was present, without those feelings. I was okay. We picked her up and while she was chatty, I was silent. I was practicing "refraining." She asked questions and I said, why don't we just wait and see what happens. She slept on the couch in our living room. I asked her where she was planning on staying now. I did not say she could continue to stay with us, although, I had talked to my SO and granddaughter previously and we all agreed that none of us could just leave her on a corner without anything. Talking to them that way was also different, I didn't make a decision and then tell them, I asked them what they thought we should do, we all decided together. She left on Easter Sunday while we were all out. She didn't return until Monday evening to pick up some things and then leave again. My granddaughter quietly told her, "you should have called Grammy and let her know that you didn't plan on being here on Sunday night, that was the right thing to do." My daughter said, "you're right" and apologized to me. She left. I was impressed with my granddaughter's quiet yet effective way of communicating. I was going to speak to my daughter about it myself the next time I saw her because when she arrived, I was half asleep on the couch. Again, I didn't have to do anything, there was my granddaughter taking the reins. Tuesday, I stayed home from work and my granddaughter was home with a headache. My daughter arrived in the morning and sat in her car in the garage making phone calls. I went out to see how she was doing and she was crying. I listened to her, she was overwhelmed with no where to live, no money, the ex roommate angry at her and telling her she has until Wed. to get her cats out or they go to a shelter, she couldn't find her probation number to call in which was imperative.............a lot of stuff to deal with.......... I listened, said nothing, left her to her calls. Refraining. I came in the house and I was fine. No need to fix anything, no sense there was anything for me to do. She was handling her life, I was in my own. She stayed in the garage for 4 hours. When she emerged, she was fine. She had handled a number of things on her own. We asked her to stay for dinner, she did and then left. She told us some of her plans for employment. I said, if you show some forward movement, we are not opposed to helping you, however, if you don't, we will not. She promised she was on the case and this time was different. I had no response verbally or emotionally. My granddaughter and her mother had a couple of interactions. My granddaughter went out to the garage and talked to her mother, telling her mother she would help her, she would drive her to some places she wanted to go. They had a new kind of connection. I felt that perhaps my exiting from the former role I had gave my granddaughter room to show up in a different way. My daughter too. It seemed we were all showing up in different ways. My daughter told me she wanted to stay in the garage so "my drama didn't have an impact on you Mom." We've both learned a lot about boundaries. SO and my granddaughter and I had a long talk about responsibility. In addition to staying clear about where mine lie with my daughter, we all talked about how now that my granddaughter is 18, the shift of control and responsibility for her life begins to go on to her plate for certain things and off of mine. It was a great talk. We also talked about my daughter and they both commented on the difference in my response. We actually had a nice day together. Since Saturday evening, I have had no emotional response to any of this. I thought it might show up and surprise me, but after yesterday, all the triggers for me to jump in to action were there, my daughter's overwhelm, her crying, her enormous needs, the sheer depth of her upset............and I remained calm and in my center. No one is more amazed then I am. When I got into bed last night and was reading The places that scare you by Pema Chodron, I came across this paragraph which I think sums up how I am feeling about my daughter: "If we relax our mind and stop struggling, emotions can move through us without becoming solid and proliferating. Fundamentally, experiencing openness is having trust in the living quality of basic energy. We develop the confidence to allow it to arise, to linger and then to pass on. The energy is dynamic, ungraspable, always in a state of flux. So our training is, first of all, noticing how we block the energy, or freeze it, how we tense up our bodies and minds. Then we train in softening, relaxing, and opening to the energy without interpretations or judgements." This is the lifestyle she has chosen to live. This is the lifestyle she is designing for herself. If I don't sit in judgement of her, if I don't try to fix her or her life, if I don't get myself in knots about her life, if I can just be present with her and accept her for who she is, I am in touch with my love for her and I can let go and trust that we are all in our right place in the scheme of life. I feel as if I moved through a dark forrest and came out in to the sunlight after a long scary journey. This process of detachment/acceptance has changed my life in profound and meaningful ways I could not have imagined when I began. For me this has had to do with trust in myself and trust in life. Letting go of control opens the door for the fresh winds of change to blow through unencumbered, bringing a sense of excitement and newness.................and a deep feeling of peace.