Update: Relinquished son in jail AGAIN, daughter doing better...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by change, Jan 3, 2009.

  1. change

    change New Member

    Hi Everyone...HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    It's been over a month since I've visited with all of you and a lot has gone on. My daughter has had 4 weeks and counting of pretty decent behavior. Two of those were at school. We hope she's turned a corner with her therapy and has finally decided to move on with her life a little bit.

    The holidays were nice but still difficult emotionally for me. I still have mixed feelings about our son and losing him. For me it was like he died. (A quick recap: he tried to rape our daughter and it was violent. I caught the tail end of it. We were left to deal with getting him out our home even though he was arrested that night. We relinquished custody in October 2008. It was awful.) Shortly after relinquishment we had gotten some phone calls one evening over and over from the local jail but we wouldn't accept the charges. It's happened before but never that many times in a row in one night. I had a gut feeling about it but we never heard anything else. Then around December 18th I get a phone call from an atty that they were assigned his case. She didn't know we no longer had custody and after I informed her of this claimed she had no other contact info. (Pathetic system.) I offered to give her whatever info. I could that she needed but she never told me what he did. Anyway, I was sick to my stomach realizing that he had been in juvenile all this time (she confirmed he had been in quite awhile) and that it WAS probably him that had been calling that night in October.

    We used to warn him over and over when he lived with us and had molested some other children and was shoplifting like crazy among other things that he was going to end up in jail one day and have no one to come bail him out. I never dreamed that it would really happen. I feel bad. Many days during the holidays I was very sad thinking about him and wondering how he was dealing with being alone in juvenile. Did his atty visit him? Did his case worker? He asked for relinquishment from us which finally brought our case to a close in October...does he regret it?

    Anyway, I pretty much keep my feelings and thoughts to myself because I don't want my husband or daughter to be down about it too. Also, I don't want to be a downer and I am still feeling judged by others over all of this. Many don't even know where he is or what happened at all. Thankfully, some people are gracious enough not to ask.

    Thanks for "listening". I really needed to get this off my chest.

    By the way, since last time I posted, I have learned that he most probably had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I didn't even know what was until recently. My daughter even has a few symptoms of attachment disorder but they are nothing compared to what he put us through. Hers are more bizarre, self-sabotaging behaviors. She has been able to control them at times. His behaviors always targeted others and he was never under control...or was doing something under-handed.
  2. howlongto18

    howlongto18 New Member

    Wow. You are a strong woman to be standing after all of that. The hardest lesson in my life has always been that you can't convince anyone of the truth or save them if they don't want it. In the end our difficult children have their agency. You acted to protect your daughter and that was of course the right thing to do. I just can't imagine how bad it had to hurt. My thoughts are with you, and I hope your daughter will be able to stay focused and positive through everything.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm glad to know your daughter has turned the corner. I can understand your conflict over the feelings for her brother. He was/is your son. You would not be human if you didn't have some concern about his welfare. It is so sad that you could not help him. I'm sorry for your pain.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We had adopted a child who was like your son only he was so clever we didn't know what he was doing until he had killed our second puppy (the first dog we thought somebody else killed). This child was such a good faker. He acted like the world's most loving child and adults adored him. He has severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It wouldn't shock me to see him on the news that he had killed somebody.
    Because he had molested our two younger kids, we felt we had no choice but to put them before him and we promised them he'd never come back. And we relinquished our rights, and CPS didn't try to stop us or punish us in any way. We had loved this boy very much, but realized he was too sick to either love us back or to live in a family--heck, he's going to be a risk to society all of his life and I expect he'll end up in jail too. Sadly, adopting a child and loving him isn't enough for so many older kids--they have already become so hardened that they can't love back and are, in a way, child psychopaths. For your daughter's sake, if she is ever going to heal (not just from that incident but from her entire life) it is best that he isn't there. I know your mommy heart hurts and I'm really sorry.
    Please understand you did the right thing. He may have molested your daughter more than you know and if he was acting out on neighborhood kids (I suspect my son had too) then YOU can be held accountable because he is underage. And he would have been removed from your home anyway.
    My son liked us for the things that we gave him, never because he loved us. He was too far gone to love anyone. He has since admitted he's been molesting children and killing animals since he was five years old.
    He's 18 now. I hope he never tracks us down because he is dangerous. (((Hugs)))
  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    It sounds like you are doing a bit better. How is your Daughter doing with School and everything?
    How is her Therapy?
    Please keep coming and letting it out if it helps you. I am so saddened by the system once again for leaving him so long.
    It does seem like you are doing a good job detaching, Take care of yourself and your family.
  6. change

    change New Member

    Yes, I feel blessed with strength. I get that from my mother and her mother and her grandmother. Actually, there is a long lineage of strong women in my family on both sides. Hopefully I can pass it ALL on to my daughter now. My mother has been wonderful coming over every morning before school and spending time with my daughter for an hour because I have to leave for work before her school begins. I believe it really helps her in the end. She's in the 8th grade and could be dropped off early like other kids but this is better.

    Her grades are a little better but I don't know if she'll be able to pull out from being really behind in math from Texas' mandated state testing. She's in Special Education. this year for math but still has to take the grade level tests. One positive, her PE coach invited her onto the track team. Maybe it will motivate her to get her grades up and keep them up.

    MidwestMom, our son was 5 when we adopted him. He was already stealing and very aggressive. We didn't know anything about AD or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Someone mentioned AD but didn't explain it at all and just said "you need to love him extra hard to work through the attachment issues" but they didn't go into what it really was. We were only 27 and my husband was in graduate school and jittery about finalizing the adoption. He kept saying that something was terribly wrong with our son. The kids were a package deal and had been turned away by 3 families before us at only 3 and 4. I couldn't do it too. 2 only wanted our daughter. (Now I know why.) Anyway, I was dealing with a lot by myself in addition to my husband's doubts and didn't ask the right questions. After we finalized 8 months later, my husband was 100% committed and we just thought our son had severe ADHD. 2 years later a diagnostician told us he should have never been adopted out to a young couple like us and for us to put him into church activities and anything else like that because he had sociopathetic tendencies. We thought she was crazy (didn't want to listen) because he was only 7 and told our therapist we wanted a 2nd opinion. She said "ok" but by the time we got another test done, he'd acted out even more and we applied for Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He was 9. At 9 he began molesting. He also got eerily sneaky and would behave perfectly charming with other adults and convince them that he was innocent even though mysterious havoc happened wherever he was. Kids would complain about him everywhere yet he would charm them and be quite popular in the beginning. Same thing with our daughter. They were best of friends, but she would flinch sometimes when he walked by her. It was scary and very suspicious. All of you who know what Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is, we've been through pretty much all of that with him. We thought we were crazy. I had no idea there was a name for it until recently. It does relieve a little of my guilt but I still feel really bad for him (he's still a child and we do have some good memories) and especially for my daughter because she could have been spared a lot sooner had we known about this sooner. I'm angry at the system. I feel the adoption agency and post-adopt really pulled one over on us and tried to keep us in the dark about this. To this day, they refuse to acknowledge our relinquishment in our post-adopt paperwork, etc. They don't want to face it.

    I am doing better though. It's been a year of mourning and a lot of loss but also healing. Any little step forward my daughter can make makes me feel 1000 times better. I think she already passed her "rock bottom" mark for now so there's no place to go but "up"...I hope.
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and Happy New Year!!

    I commend you. You sound like your holding up pretty well. You have had a lot to deal with. I am so sorry for you and your family. I can only imagine how hard giving up custody was. As for the people who judge you for it, let them judge. They haven't walked a day in your shoes. It is always very easy for an "outsider" throw stones as they are living in their little bubble. You did what you had to do. And that's that!!! I am so happy to hear that your daughter is doing well. Keeping my finger's and toe's crossed for 4 more weeks!!!

    Hang in there and God bless. :)
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Change, our agency told us this was a "well-adjusted child"--even his psychiatrist thought so. He fooled everyone. We specifically asked for a child who didn't have sexual abuse issues. We have since found out that 90% of the kids in foster care, if not more, are sexually abused and that boys tend to act out on others while girls tend to accuse others of molesting them or hurt themselves (cutting etc.). I would never adopt an older child again. I could not deal with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) a second time. When my youngest is out of the house, we'd like to be foster parents to babies, but we're too old to adopt now and wouldn't be interested. I feel your pain--that very pain is what brought me to the board. My son was so out-of-line that I didn't know if anyone would even believe me about him. He was only 11 years old and molesting kids and killing animals and starting little housefires...(sigh). We found out about most of this AFTER he was gone as my two littler children were terrified of him. He told them if they said a word about what he did he would burn the house down and kill himself and all of us. They believed him. So do I. The System is horrible. They need to get a better handle on these kids to give US a clearer picture of what we face. They need to educate every single parent who adopts a child about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It should be mandatory before adoption. This is especially true when the child is not adopted at birth and has been in an orphanage or foster home (or several). My friend had a child who came to her at six months who had already been in six homes. She was terribly disturbed and was finally relinquished back to the system (they had never formally adopted her) when she tried to choke her foster sister. Her foster sister had marks around her neck that looked like rope marks for a long time and was terrified of the other girl. I hate to say some kids can't be saved, but it does seem that way! Some kids are too damaged to live in a family. And it's sooooooooooo sad. You sooooooooooo have my prayers and good wishes. Keep us updated on daughter. And know that you tried to give this boy a life, but he just wasn't able to accept being loved.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Change, having adopted a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child, I so understand your pain and your anger. Like you, I was told nothing about attachment issues and just how damaged the child could be. I was lucky that she is a girl and girls do exhibit Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) symptoms differently from boys. I was even luckier that I did a lot of things right by sheer luck. It certainly wasn't because I was told how to parent a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child. What was luckiest for me, though, was the simple fact that there was a part of my little one that wanted to love and be loved. That went a long way in helping her survive. She still has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), is still manipulative and still expects to get her way regardless.

    Please know that you did the right thing. Not just for you but also for your daughter. Your son, sadly, is beyond your help. He is going to need a lot more than you could ever give him just to be semi-functioning in this world. He has shown sociopathic tendencies from almost the beginning. None of this is your fault or his fault. It is the fault of those who raised him and a system that failed him.

    If you desire, there's no reason why you can't have an outside relationship with him. Talk to him on the phone if you want. See him in juvie if it makes you feel better. However, do be prepared if he uses your kindness against you. The reality is that he is a very dangerous teen and will probably only become more so as he ages. However, for now, do what is best for you and yours.

    I'm sorry he's in juvie but, quite honestly, at least your daughter and other children are safe from him, as harsh as that sounds.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hugs, I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you.
    You are in my prayers and thoughts.
    You are an amazingly strong mom.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would also say your daughter is blessed by your strength. Hope the track team is a fun activity for her. Being asked to join by the coach is an honor; she must be a really good runner.
  12. Sagegrad

    Sagegrad New Member

    Hugs to you Change - I will think good thoughts for you and your daughter that she continues on the right path.
    We currently have an adopted daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but also had to disrupt a planned adoptin of a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child. She was 14 at the time she came to us and had been thru many many foster homes. Her siblings had been adopted by another family but they didnt want her, so she was still in the system. When she came to live with us, we immediately started Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapy and tried to reach out to her. Unfortunately she was much more damaged than anyone had ever told us and after only 6 months she gave up on all types of therapy and interactions with us. Unfortunately ( or fortunately now that I look back) the state she came from gave her the right at age 15 to make up her mind whether she wanted to stay and be adopted by us. She chose no. She opted to go back into foster care because it was "easier". There were no demands made of her and she wouldnt have to face reality. SHe was extremely dissociative and had created a fantasy world where she went for long periods of time to escape reality.
    Looking back now we realize how unprepared we were to deal with that child and her needs and althought it truly broke out hearts to lose her, we know that it was the right thing. And luckily 6 months later our other child was placed with us. She also has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but not to the same extremes and truly now 5 years later has begun to bond and think of us as a family. Unfortunatley now her BiPolar has been diagnosed and we have a whole slew of other things to deal with...
    Anyways - sorry for rambling and know that you are in my thoughts