Update / vent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Nov 3, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I haven't posted much, but I have come to read some.

    I guess I am in the calmness before the storm, my son is still in jail, still saying everything I want to hear and I just listen and remind myself that actions speak louder than words...

    The case went to criminal court and he had to file for a new PD, he also filed youthful offender. He is still waiting for a court date.

    He turned 19 last sunday. His 17th birthday was in juvie, his 18th birthday was in the grouphome. Strange, this b'day didn't bother me like the other two, maybe I'm learning???

    I don't have any idea what will happen when he goes to court, I am staying out of it as much as possible, but I still struggle with how much help I should offer when he is released.

    He owns nothing. I have what little clothes he hasn't left elsewhere in all his running. But that is all he has.

    I am not sure what to offer and what to let him struggle to gain on his own?

    This could be years away or he could get probation next week, I don't know.

    He is wonderful where he is now....I know the test starts when he is released, how much do you help them when they get out????

  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Traci, ant spent his 16th and 17th BD in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he was here his 18th and I threw him out 3 months later, never to have another BD at home til he was 22.
    I say help him only if he is helping himself. I did help ant get used clothing, a ride and a job with boyfriend. At first he had no money til he got paid, I made him a chart for his fines and bills and he paid me 200.00 a month rent while living here.

    when he misbehaved and could not live with me anymore I still helped him with first and last month's rent til he could pay me back. he did pay me back. I then bought him curtains for his apartment and gave him my old pots and pans and household items. I took him to salvation army and goodwill stores for furniture and other stuff.

    I did his laundry for a year as he was not near a laundromat and has no license. he bought the laundry soap. I didnt mind.
    wait and see and dont make him any promises. tell him you love him and will see what happens in the days to come.
  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Traci you sound as if you are in the same place as I am. My son is still in jail also. Ihave no idea how long he will be there. He has no court date yet. I am having trouble trying to see how or if I need to help at all. Today I took some money that was his and put in his canteen account. I did not go see him. I cant right now. It hurts too much. I have been there so many times it seems. I have written him a lot of letters saying I love him very much but I cannot do this enabling anymore. I will see what happens. I am afraid.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Traci, I'm sorry, I can't remember what your difficult child is in jail for. If it's not for a violent act against you or your family, if he's released and he's treating you with respect, I think I'd give him 90 days to get himself situated...a job has to take top priority, of course. And if he's at home the problem of transportation will arise- are you willing to cart him back and forth to a job if need be?

    It's so hard to know what to do. I'm sure you will do what's right for your family.

  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I agree that we should help our kids (when necessary) to the degree that they are helping themselves.


    My easy child (22) goes to school full time. 18 credits. He needs new tires on his very old beat up truck. We are going to buy his new tires. Why? He's very frugal. He's working hard. He's being a responsible person. Tires are a need not a want.

    My difficult child (19) works part time, is a full time mom. Her hubby works full time. We help them with rent every month ($100) because they couldn't make it otherwise. They too are being very frugal and responsible.

    My point is that I think it is OK to help kids out on occasion/temporarily IF they are living upright lives and doing their very best to care for themselves.

    Both of my kids are very grateful for the help. Their's is not an attitude of entitlement.

    My parents are quick to criticize us for 'helping' our adult kids. But, we feel we are doing the right thing.
  6. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am thinking on the lines of a probation period, but in order for him to get a job, he has to have transportation (country living, no bus or taxi service)I think that allowing him to move back home would hinder any progress he has made and any progress that we (husband,easy child and I) have made to heal from the pain from the past. So, that would mean he would need help with his own place and I would have to sign a lease.

    I will be very honest and say there are some days I believe he has changed so much and I am excited about him getting out and there are other days that take me back to times in the past and I want no part of it.

    I do feel that enough has happened that I can't be in a position of authority over him at all. I know that what ever help he gets from me it has to be gifted, I can't be the one to hold strings to it and say do this, this and this to get the gift.

    I have had no training to change my thought patterns and I would revert back to the mom and little boy and that would only harm us both.

    We are both in a safe place now. It is sort of a therapy session each sunday. Each of us take our turns talking to him and learning how to communicate again. We stopped being able to sit and talk with him a long time ago. With him in jail, we are relaxed enough at home to sit and share with one another and start to act like a family again.

    Suz ~ his jail time is from stupid acts of theft while he and his difficult child buddies were high

    Janet ~ I have followed you and Ant from the start of finding this board, you are an inspiration and God has a plan for Ant!

    GG ~ I am seeing that I will have to help in order to see that he is helping himself. He has to have some support to see if he is trying to make a change, he will be released with nothing.

  7. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Traci, see if there is a rooming house or something along those lines in your town, or a neighboring town, that you/difficult child could pay for by the week.

    I would not sign a lease, if my life depended on it. But, that's just me. :highvoltage:

    I agree with others here in I would help difficult child if he were making good choices, and I hear you when you say the real test is when they get out.

    My difficult child spent his 19, 20 and 21st b-days in jail. Not too much fun. By his 21st, however, he had made such good strides to improve himself that I took a birthday cake to him at his work!

    Good luck to you on this part of the journey.

  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand and agree with everyone. My difficult child also spent his 21st birthday and others and also Christmas (probably this year too) behind bars. It is sad but we were able to function as a
  9. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I liked Pony's idea of the rooming house very much. You can always offer to help more later ~ but you cannot suddenly decide to do less without seeming controlling or petty.

    Our difficult child would do so well the first few months at home ~ but then, he would slip once or twice and the next thing anyone knew, he was right back at it. The thing is that once they are living at home and you KNOW they have done something they shouldn't, it's too easy to convince yourself it was just a slip up and it won't happen again.

    No one wants to rock the boat, and the addicted person spins out of control while everyone is pretending they see nothing wrong.

    At least, that is how it was at our house.

    The last time difficult child was home, I would say, point blank, "Don't use drugs." Or "You know what the problem is ~ it's that you used drugs." Things like that.

    And husband got really mad at me.

    Once they're home again, no one wants to fight, or to make waves.

    So I say the rooming house idea is a really good one.

    Or the YMCA.

    Do they still do that?

  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Barbara, that is what has happened here everytime difficult child has come home. None of us, difficult child included, could go through that again.

    I will do some checking on rooming houses and places like that and see what I can find.

    Susan, This time I was okay with the b'day. The other two had me very upset but I am seeing this in a different light. He made the choices that landed him in jail. This jail time has made more difference in his life than anything we tried in the past.

    I think that is why I have the questions I do, this is the first time I have let him handle things all on his own and this is the first time he has made progress. I don't want to jump in and rescue him, I only want to offer support for his good decisions, but I realize he has nothing when he gets out.

    GG's other post here has opened my eyes to other reasons to offer more support.

    It is such a thin line and I have made so many mistakes in the past, I just want to get this right. For all my family.