Very Depressed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lynnylou, Jul 13, 2014.

  1. Lynnylou

    Lynnylou New Member

    I am the mother of a 29 year old daughter. She has a 3 year old daughter. She married and moved to Florida, then divorced, moved back to Michigan. While she was pregnant she moved in with me. She delivered her daughter and I babysat on a regular basis. Me and my granddaughter are very close. I have basically raised my granddaughter financially. Long story short, my daughter has no respect for me what-so-ever. She uses everything under the sun to keep my granddaughter away from me. I don't know if it's because me and her daughter are so close. I am very successful and she struggles because she continually makes the wrong decisions. She is headstrong and it's always her way or the highway. I am emotionally drained because of her and have been put on depression and anxiety medication. I am there for her with the snap of her finger. Any advise on how I should go about handling this?
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I would advise you to stop this now.

    Can you share some more with us about your daughter's behaviour? How does she show no respect? It's very sad that she seems to be using her own daughter as a pawn in her relationship with you. Why is she trying to keep her away from you? I hope you have some good support and are getting some appropriate help for your depression and anxiety.

    Welcome to the board. Keep posting and others will be along soon I'm sure to share their experiences.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.

    As you know, hon, you can't control your daughter. If your daughter abuses or neglects your granddaughter you can call CPS and even call a lawyer to see if you have a shot at custody. Is your daughter a drug abuser?

    At any rate, I would not keep taking care of a 29 year old woman. It is a very sad fact that often they hold their children over our heads to control us, but legally, unless you go to court and win custody, which is rare, they can do that and you have no choice but to move on with your life and let this meanspirited daughter take care of herself. I would not want her living with me, if I were you. Bet that if she had to move out, she'd get sick and tired of taking care of your granddaughter and you'd end up having her most of the time anyway.

    At some point in time, if you don't please your daughter she is apt to pull your grand out of your life anyway, at least until she can't stand taking care of her anymore, which is probable.

    I don't envy you. You are in a sad situation. LIke LucyJ, I think if you share more with us, we can be of more help to you, regarding suggestions.

    Hugs for your hurting grandmommy heart. Let us know more and do get help for your depression. YOU matter and you need to be the best you you can be. And you deserve a good life, regardless of the situation with your daughter and your granddaughter.
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    I am sorry you are in this hurtful position of being taken advantage of. I can't tell from your post if your daughter still lives with you? And you said you raised your granddaughter financially..I'm not sure I know what that means. Can you explain? What I'm getting at is how much you support your daughter and her daughter. Is your daughter working now?

    I guess this is step one. Being this way is not making you closer, is not making her be nice to you or appreciate you, and is making you stressed. It is time to stop. You don't need to be there for anyone at the snap of a need to be there for people who love and appreciate it you in times of need. No finger snapping, ever. Sounds like she does a lot of it.

    Try, next time there is a finger snap, real or do nothing. Do you have some examples of what is you do? Maybe we can help you with some prepared responses. It is always best to be prepared...

    Read "CoDependent No More" a book that is aimed at people in your situation. That is a good starting place. And if you want to, please keep posting here. We've all been there in one way or another.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LynnyLou, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your adult daughter.

    It is not okay for an adult woman to treat her mother in the fashion you describe and it is not okay for you to accept it or condone it. Since your daughter is the beneficiary of your good fortune and good graces, she will likely not change, but continue to abuse you. You will have to do the changing. That means stop the flow of money to your daughter. If she is still living with you,then you must make boundaries around her behavior and her choices. No one gets a free ride. If she makes poor choices then she is the one who should reap those consequences, NOT YOU.

    It is unfortunate that her daughter is used as a tool between you, that is an ugly trait of your daughters and is selfish and manipulative. You do not have to abide by her tactics. Insist on behavior that you can live with and that is supportive of you. It would be helpful if you got some kind of professional support so you can learn tools and ways to make sure YOU are safe, protected, nourished and valued. Once you make yourself the priority and focus you what it is YOU need, your depression will likely lift. We are not meant to value our adult kids more then ourselves, they are supposed to launch on their own and your daughter's not doing that is impacting your life negatively and causing you undue stress and sorrow. It is time for a change.

    You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Often when we enable our adult kids, they have utter disdain for us, treat us poorly and make our lives miserable. The only person who can change that and stop it is YOU. YOU have to learn a different way to respond, often by using the word NO a lot. Find a therapist or a support group of some kind to help you make that transition, you do not deserve to live this way at the hands of an adult brat who uses you and abuses you.

    It helps to keep posting. If you can put your signature at the bottom of the page as we have done that will help us to remember your story and respond better. You do that by clicking on your screen name at the top on the right and look for bio and signature.

    Hang in there, it'll get better once you begin to put the focus on yourself.
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  6. Lynnylou

    Lynnylou New Member

    I feel so blessed to have found this website! Thanks to each and everyone of you that has responded. I am so thankful to have others to talk to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

    In response, no my daughter does not live with me. She has moved out a couple of years ago.

    Last week I had my granddaughter for the day. When my daughter came to pick her up my granddaughter didn't want anything to do with her and she didn't want to go home. My granddaughter started acting up ( which is very unusual) and clung on to my leg and my daughter threatened to spank her. I went in the other room. My daughter grab her and put her in the car and left without me being able to say bye. This is what has happened beginning yesterday evening. My daughter works on Mondays and I do not. I asked her last night if I could keep my granddaughter today (I wanted to take her to the beach). She told me "no". I asked her why. She told me that my granddaughter acts up when she comes home from my house. She also stated that "I told my granddaughter that she needs to move in with me" (which is not true). So my plan yesterday was to get things packed for the beach. But I didn't since she could come over. So, this morning I made plans and got some running done. Well, my daughter called and said "munchkin wants to come over. I said ok, but I'm not at home right now. Well, she left and decided that she couldn't come over now. I did't tell my daughter about the plans to go to the beach because she doesn't allow me to take her to do fun things.
    In response to how I support my granddaughter, I buy her clothes, shoes, toys, bed, dresser and pay for activities ( like swimming classes and ballet) only because I know my daughter can't afford it and it would break my heart to see her go without. Also, since my granddaughter was born my daughter has had at least 6 boyfriends that have all moved in with her. My granddaughter gets close to them and then she kicks them out. It's her way or the highway.
    I am in tears while I am writing this because I hope that my granddaughter doesn't think that I didn't want her to come over. I hope that it all makes sense.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You are not the problem here. If your daughter keeps bringing home boyfriends, she is putting your poor baby at risk for sexual abuse. I assume these are not the best and the brightest of young men. Also, she can develop attachment disorder from being tossed around at so many men. Where is the father in all this? Can he help? Your daughter is ruining your granddaughter's life, no matter how many advantages you give her. You don't bring strange men into your's a big RISK.

    I think that, if I were you, I'd move on. There is nothing you can do to change your daughter, thus help your granddaughter. Your daughter would have to relinquish custody to you. I mean, you can try for custody, but there are very poor grandparent rights. Therefore, the life your daughter gives your granddaughter is the life she will live. There is something some of us use which sounds harsh but I feel it actually makes us feel better because it takes the burden off of us and reminds us of what is and is not possible. We call it "radical acceptance." You can look it up online too. What it means is, life is what it is. In your case, your daughter is very unstable and not very nice and a terrible mother, but she has custody of her child and there is nothing you can probably do to change that. And you need to accept this reality. There is nothing to be done on your end, short of getting an attorney and seeing if you could possibly get custody, however the bar for removing a child from his parent is very high. Having ten boyfriends in ten weeks does not count as abusive or neglectful. Leaving your granddaughter alone, beating her, or getting caught with illegal drugs (and this last one is iffy) could gt her to lose custody. Just being a really crappy mother isn't enough.

    So it is what it is.

    You could probably use therapy to learn to accept how little you can control this situation, if at all. If your daughter is on drugs, Nar-Anon is great too. You need support. YOU need support. Since you can't do much if anything for this situation you may want to work on the one thing you have 100% control over...yourself and your reaction to the feelings of being out of control and the helplessness. You can also start doing things that you enjoy, in spite of the situation with your daughter and your grandchild. It is best to deal with what you have control over rather than angst over what you don't. For your own physical and mental health, I truly hope you go for psychiatric help of some kind and learn how to cope with a bad situation. You're not the only grandmother here who knows that her grandchild is in unsafe hands so you are not alone.

    Contact us anytime. We are on call 24/7, 365 days a year and somebody will always get back to you. Hugs for your hurting heart again.
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2014
  8. Lynnylou

    Lynnylou New Member

    Don't get me wrong, my daughter takes very good care of her daughter. She is her pride and joy. I don't mean that by the way my daughter herself lives her life. My granddaughters father is a loser but he does see her often but does not support her financially like he is supposed to. My daughter does not use drugs, alcohol or smoke. She would never abuse her physically. I don't think she realizes that she could end up abusing her emotionally but I'm afraid to talk to her about it because then she won't talk to me or let my granddaughter talk to me.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LynnyLou, you are in a really crummy situation. I hear your anguish. I have a granddaughter whom I am raising and it would have broken my heart if my daughter used her as a pawn and wouldn't allow me to see her. My heart aches for you, I do understand how much that hurts you.

    Having said that, MWM said exactly the truth here, for whatever the reasons your daughter is this way, you have very little power here. As the Mom your daughter has all the cards. Although, that is a terrible situation for both you and your little granddaughter, there doesn't appear to be anything you can do.

    That level of helplessness, powerlessness and sadness is very difficult to deal with, in particular when there is a small, innocent child hanging in the balance. When we are faced with those kinds of scenarios, all we can do is learn how to let go and accept what is. I know that is a tall order, which is why I always strongly recommend therapy, support groups or some avenue where YOU can go and get the tools and understanding you need to be able to navigate through this without it literally ruining your life.

    This has already put you in a state of depression and anxiety and that is not healthy, you must find a way to detach and accept. I understand how ludicrous that sounds under the circumstances, but really, give this a moments thought............exactly what can you do to change this? If there is indeed something you can do, then do it. If the answer to that question is there is nothing you can do, then ruminating, worrying, being filled with dread and fear is NOT going to be of any help to have to find ways to let go. In my experience, letting go requires a great deal of help. What kind of help and where you get it is up to you, but you WILL need help.

    If I were in your shoes I would seek counseling for ME, so that I could learn how to cope with the devastating helplessness and sadness this brings. I would not know how to do it. I would need someone to guide me and teach me and coach me through, as well as offer empathy and understanding. If you can let go and accept, YOU will feel a lot better. You may not ever be able to change one little piece of this situation, but you can learn to accept it and let go. And then, in spite of it all, you will be okay.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    LynnyLou, I did not mean your daughter would abuse your daughter. I am thinking of all those men who come in and out and the high rate (one in four children) who are sexually abused. Your daughter is very risky with her daughter's well being. She would not necessarily know if the men were hurting the baby.Since this has happened in my family, it is always on my mind when women bring live-ins home, especially a slew of them. Maybe she hasn't thought about it. She may ignore you, but it wouldn't hurt to bring up the possibility to her. It just isn't safe.Again, though, there is not much you can do about it...I'm really sorry for you and your granddaughter.

    RE is right. At this point in time, since you are powerless over your daughter's behavior, it is time to admit that to yourself and to focus on your own recovery to this situation. You are making yourself sick over this and yet nothing has changed except your own health, probably both mental and physical. You need to learn to cope with it and live your own life so that you can be here a long time for your other loved ones and for your own self too. I hope you do seek good counseling. *Hugs*