Well I guess he beat me to it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son unfriended me on Facebook tonight after sending me a lovely message telling me I'm a two faced liar that can't be trusted (and the "reasons" why, which are based, as far as I can tell, from some crap his ex told him which if that's the case was nothing but lies) and that he was cutting me out of his life because I'm dangerous and do nothing but hinder his well-being and recovery. This after spending half the night with him in the ER when he was scared, delusional, and trying to detox from a 7 day meth and heroin bender and he "needed his mother". This after my husband and I paying out of pocket for two weeks of his medications. This after flying him down here to get him out of Chicago and away from the ex who got him started on meth and perpetuated it even when my son was trying to get clean. Essentially he blamed everything that's gone wrong in his adult life on the fact that I called the police on him when he was 13 or 14 and physically assaulted me. Blamed me for being on juvenile probation until he aged out at 19 because I reported his violations to his PO and kept getting his probation extended and even a couple of residential facilities.

    Whatever. I am hurt, angry, and extremely bitter. Why did he wait until he had squeezed every penny out of me he could before cutting the cord. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again or how I'll react if I do. Only time will have those answers.

    Thank you, everyone, for all the support and kind (and even firm) responses you've given me since the time I found this forum. Whether I hear from my son again or not remains to be seen, but even if I don't, I imagine I'll still be showing up for a friendly or reassuring word from you.
  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Oh Laura I am sorry. This is so painful and unfair after everything you have done for him. This sounds like the ex and the addiction speaking. They are so good at blaming.

    I suspect this will not be the last time you hear from him. He will need you again. But the silver lining, in the meantime, is that you can reclaim your hom and have a little peace. I hope you get be yourself permission to enjoy it.

    We always hope that ‘this time’ is the real deal, that they are finally ready to stop drugs/take responsibility/turn their lives around. I think the letdown after something like this is especially painful.

    One day, perhaps, he will understand that you did what you did when he was younger out of love. To try to get him help and on the right path before things got to where they are now. He is not ready to see that yet. And he is not ready to be clean.

    Big hugs.
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  3. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My husband think he's so far gone he never will be and I'm beginning to believe he may be right. He may have actually done me a huge favor cutting me out of his life, assuming it's permanent. And maybe in spite of my good intentions and best efforts I wasn't helping him, so he might stand a better chance getting there without me in the picture. Although from what I've seen of his efforts (or lack thereof) so far unless that changes he never will.
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  4. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I will never totally give up hope that mine may find their way someday. But I have come to believe that this is right, at least for mine. The less I am involved in their decisions and recovery the better. Not just for me (though of course it’s better for me) but ultimately for them, too. When I am involved, they revert to childlike status, believing that they need Mom and they have no power in their own lives. I have had to accept that whatever progress mine will make they will have to make the hard and painful way, and my trying to soften it only delays the learning.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Laura,

    I think this is just another way your son is trying to manipulate you. Your story is similar to mine. My son has blamed me for years that all his trouble started when I called the police on him. Gee, which time, the times he ran away, the times I found pot in his room, the time he stole $3000 from me..................
    This is what they do. They blame us because otherwise they have to own it for what it is, their own poor choices and if they do that, they also have to own all the times we told them "if you don't start making better choices your life will be a mess", they will have to admit "my parents were right".
    This can happen but it takes a lot of growing up on their part. It takes them letting go of their arrogance and becoming humble.

    I have no doubt that your son will reach out to you again. It may be a while but if he's anything like mine, he will. My son and I have gone many months without communicating. The longest was just over a year.

    What your son did was very hurtful. I've been on the receiving end of some of the most hateful, vial words from my son. It hurts, it makes us angry but we cannot let it fester inside of us. There's an old saying "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".
    It's okay to be angry but not to the point it starts to control you. Don't ever give your son that kind of power. Don't ever let your son hold your emotions hostage.

    Be good to yourself Laura. I think you deserve a spa day!

    ((HUGS)) to you.
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  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    His ex didnt get him on meth or stop him from quitting when he wanted to.

    At any point in time he could have left his ex. It didnt require him to even leave Chicago, the area I grew up in. It is a huge place. He could have just left. It wasnt about his ex. He is still using.

    You, and many of us, want to think our adults have gotten into trouble because of other people. No. They are drawn to people like themselves. They do what they want to do.

    Your son is not a wuss. He tells you what he wont do all the time and says no to your good ideas. He has no.desire to quit. He knows where to go for help if he wants it and its not Mom's house. Nobody can stop him if he wants to quit. Nobody can make him quit if he won't. Not ex. Not you. Only himself.

    You will hear from him again. He is a serious drug addict and will get sick and scared and need money again. Who else will he call?

    The question is, is it good for YOU if he contacts you for these reasons and then assaults you with the verbal vomit of a drug addict? I dont know if the drugs are what makes him act this vile, if he was always this way (he DID assault you young) or if its both himself and the drugs combined. You dont t deserve this Its nonsense.

    My suggestion.is to limit how often you will talk to him on the phone or read his texts. You need to be well. Tell him to call you once a week at a certain time for ten minutes and that if he is abusesive he will lose that time. Then block him until that time. I did a version.of this to my son and it has been highly affective. I no longer need to limit his time as he watches what he says.

    I know this hurts but I cant see him actually doing a cut off forever. You will hear from him the moment he wants some sort of help, money, or he is scared. Who else can he call?

    I personally feel his brain is affected by the meth/heroin combo and that you should disregard anything he says with his sick brain. Have you ever taken, say, Sudafed or anything that made you a little off? Multiply that times 1000.

    You need to do what you feel you must do. Just remember two things to help you cope. 1. You and nobody else can help him until he wants help.Sincerely. Like rehab, sober living, meetings. 2. His verbal vomit is spoken from a sick brain.

    Do try to move on with your own life. Your own life is the only life you can control and make better. Are you in therapy? Al Anon? Both? Who helps YOU? Do you have other nice kids, a SO, loving family, loving friends? Dont be afraid to lean on them
    Spend time with nice people doing fun things.

    Depriving yourself from pleasure wont help your son. I am sorry for all of this. It sucks.

    Love and light.
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    Last edited: Dec 10, 2018
  7. mentalcase

    mentalcase New Member

    "Spend time with nice people doing fun things".

    This. A hundred times over. Your son can't treat you the way you want -he's sick. But if you open yourself to people and fight the urge to isolate, people will show up for you and give you the kindness, compassion, distraction that you need.

    And remember it's the addiction talking- don't take it personally. (easier said than done- I know!)
  8. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Although I agree that I will hear from my son at some point, in a way it feels like a permanent separation because I have a fear, and I pray that's all it is, but god forbid, a worst case scenario happens to prevent him reaching out whether it be out of love and regret or need. Not knowing what has transpired between him and his ex I can easily see him returning to Chicago and the ex. I met him briefly over Thanksgiving and while he seemed friendly enough, I did not get a good vibe from him. My son might have exaggerated or embellished but I do believe the ex is as controlling and manipulative as my son has made him out to be. And the sad thing is that I've come to the conclusion that his self esteem is so low that maybe he feels an abusive manipulative relationship is what he deserves. If he does go back to Chicago, I feel like the ex will kill him, maybe not physically (although that could be possible) but emotionally/spiritually or that everyone's worst drug-related nightmare will happen. Or even if he remains in Florida, it could at some point be too late (something happens to one of us).

    I also came to the realization last night that what my son did is probably the only way he can think of to control anything about me or our relationship. He long ago lost the power to manipulate me with guilt over what I may or may not have done to help him get on the path he's currently on. And he's recently lost the power to manipulate me with pity or sympathy. Yes I feel very very sorry for what he is doing to himself but after seeing that his promises were empty and his words meant nothing, we had closed the door of our home to him until such time as he takes recovery and BiPolar (BP) treatment as seriously as he pretends to be doing now but isn't. So he has exerted what little he can control, and that is my access to communication with him. He has no phone that I'm aware of and with being blocked on Facebook I am unable to reach out to him even if I wanted to, which I don't (for now). I compared it to people with eating disorders who have no control over their own lives so take control of the one thing they can, their bodies and their food intake.

    I don't know if I mentioned this but he has not blocked my husband and I don't know if he simply didn't think to do that or if he is leaving that as a back channel for communication. My husband will never reach out to my son other than should a worse case scenario happens, but consciously or subconsciously this might be his way of cutting ties with me yet having a way to contact me should he need or want to.

    I'm angrier than hurt, because this seems to be a classic case of projection because the things my son accused me of doing are either things he himself has done and/or things the ex has done. Unfortunately his reality is so twisted and distorted that perhaps he really believes what he says happened. It's very sad that he seems to be taking the word over a proven manipulative two faced liar (assuming the ex factors into what happened last night) over his mother who has never lied to him (unless fibbing about the amount of money in my bank at any given time to avoid having to directly say no makes me a liar, which I did a few times before growing the **** to just say, sorry, no.)

    I am also grateful I hadn't spent any money to do anything for him for Christmas. It wouldn't have been anything lavish, and definitely not cash or something he could sell or pawn for drug money. I was thinking of either a 30-day bus pass or Uber credits to help him with his transportation issues. If we had the money I might have considered paying for a rehab sting, although that could well have been a colossal waste of money with his track record of leaving rehab early. At any rate, that's all moot.

    The most ironic thing about this is that after he left our home the way he did yesterday evening, I was stewing trying to figure out what triggered his anger or what he perceived me to have done to deserve it. At some point I had decided to write him and essentially cut him out of my life completely (no visits, phone calls, meetings) until he starts showing some progress or making a sincere attempt to do so, and I could not bring myself to do it...this is my only child! Maybe a total separation was the right thing, though, since apparently he was having similar thoughts. So be it. I'll grieve and dwell on it for time...which is my normal way of dealing with a major loss...and then I'll start the moving on process. In the meantime, again, I truly appreciate everyone here and on my Facebook support group and what you/we continue to do for each other

    One last question. I recently updated my will leaving everything to my husband, and then to my son should I outlive my husband, but in a trust that would be overseen by my niece. I am also in the process of changing the secondary beneficiary of my retirement account from my son to her, because I trust her judgment as far as how much to give my son and when. My knee jerk reaction last night was to call my attorney and have him update the will taking my son completely out and (because isn't that what manipulative two faced liars do?) and to name a secondary beneficiary totally unrelated to any of this. Now I'm thinking I should leave everything the way it is, at least for now until I see how this will play out. Any thoughts on that?
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think it's probably best for you to sit with this for a few days before making any changes.

    My husband and I are leaving everything to our grandchildren - the children my son has abandoned. Our will specifically states that our son is to receive nothing. We have everything in our trust. Should things with my son change for the better, we can always include him but it would be a small amount.
    My attitude is this, I've worked too hard for what I have and the way my son is now, well he'd blow through it without a care.
    Before we did our wills we thought long and hard about it. We also have not told our son. On direction from our lawyer, people should not feel obligated to tell their children what's in their wills. She said "it's none of their business until it needs to be their business". She also said the only time you share with a child is if they will be the executor and even then, you do not disclose what's in it as they will find out eventually.
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  10. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He did introduce him to meth for the most part, because he had told me a few years ago that a friend persuaded him to try it and he did not like it and said he would never touch it again, which he didn't....until the ex came into the picture. I don't hold him accountable for my son's drug use but I do hold him accountable for leaving temptation laying around when my son first started expressing a desire to quit. My husband is a drinker, not a problem drinker but he could be considered a functioning alcoholic. It is what it is and it doesn't interfere with his ability to go to work every day (he has been at the same job since he was 20 and he's now 62) nor does it cause any drama and friction at home. But what kind of wife would I be if he decided he needed or wanted to quit and I made sure the fridge was continually stocked with his favorite beer, or worse, sat in the living room with him sipping a cocktail right under his nose? It would be entirely his choice to give in to that temptation but it would also be on me because I made it too easy for him to give in. So yes while the bulk of responsibility lies with my son, I assign a little responsibility to him for his contribution to the problem. Remember when Carol O'Connor sued the dealer that sold his son the drugs that ultimately killed him? That's sort of how I look at the ex.
  11. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    That's exactly it!

    And I have not told my son about any changes to my will, either. He does know that I updated it, because before I got married he was my sole beneficiary with no strings. I guess he assumes I added my husband, which he would be right. But he is not aware that if I die before my husband, he (husband) gets 100% of everything and if he wants to pass anything on to my son that's completely at his discretion. I would only hope that he wouldn't just hand over anything my son asked for to avoid drama, but that would be entirely up to him.

    And he has no idea that should I survive my husband he gets everything but must go through my niece and justify any and every penny he asks her for. And like you said, he doesn't need to know any of this until the time comes.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A wise therapist told me never to do anything rash until I am calm and not angry and think it over. I have mostly used her advice. This is no time to make legal decisions.

    Also i would try to stop wondering why he is so angry at you and not X.

    Could be he lied about X being abusive. Son doesnt sound like he would let anyone abuse him. He has been abusing YOU. Just something to chew on. Also your son is away from X but isnt better.

    Also, Son is mad at you for not throwing money at him. Thats really why. It has nothing to do with anything else. He is a drug addict and needs a lot of money.

    I dont know the cost of his drug habit but on Intervention, if that show was a real show, the addicts explained that they needed tons and tons of money and did not usually get most of if legally. But some parents actually were so scared that they not only handed out hundreds day to day but gave them rides to make drug deals. It was a crazy show. Showed me stuff I never thought I'd see.

    They wake up and their first thought is drugs and getting money for them. Drugs are all they can think about if they are addicted. Not their well being. Not family. Not Christmas. They start feeling sick without the drugs. Its called dope sick.

    If you gave your son money every day for drugs, he would love you. He is an addict with an addict's mind.

    Almost everyone has a cell phone. If he ever needs one, he can borrow one. From strangers. From anyone.

    But if he has an emergency someone needs to call 911, not you. You are not a medical profesdional. A hospital will contact you. Or the cops.

    I dont use FB but if your son wants to get you that way he can contact your husband, an aunt, a friend , anyone who knows you.etc.

    Please try not to worry so much. I get it. But it doesnt help you. Or him. Are you in therapy or Al Anon? You may benefit much from real time help. It is too hard to do alone.

    Last edited: Dec 10, 2018
  13. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    She and you are exactly right and I was telling myself that last night even as I was contemplating the possibility. I do have a tendency to act rashly and in haste under certain circumstances but over the years have gained enough control to talk myself of taking action while everything is new and raw. So I had pretty much decided that for now I will let things stand as they are, and probably will not change anything. Because even if I never hear from my son again, he is still my son and I don't want him to be metaphorically out in the cold because he did something stupid and hurtful in a moment of drug induced paranoia.
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  14. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    No and no. Therapy isn't a viable option with no insurance or money (although I can look into possible options available to me). But there is a Nar-Anaon chapter in my neighborhood that meets weekly, on Mondays. I don't think I'll try to go this evening, I am a wreck and just need some down time and don't feel like leaving the house, but am definitely planning on going next Monday...even if the situation has been "fixed" by then. Obviously what I had hoped would be his road to recovery turned out to be anything but, and so whether we are estranged or he's come back, I need the support because circumstances apparently can change at a moment's notice.
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My youngest son is autistic so we set up a special needs fund for him that somebody else will make sure lasts for him, maybe a sister. I am pretty sure anyone can have this sort of fund.
  16. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My niece has wholeheartedly agreed to be the executor of my will should I outlive my husband and is more than willing to manage my son's trust. (I did tell her that if he made her life a living hell over it she has my full blessing to just fork over whatever remains at that point and let the chips fall where they may). Just as I had to decide that it was no longer worth my sanity to try to help and protect my son, she may well decide at some point that it is no longer worth her sanity to protect his financial assets. And I wouldn't blame her in the least.
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    She can also hire a public payee and he wont be able to bully them.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I am so sorry for what you are going through.

    I think your sadness comes from the fact that you know your son is sick and that you cannot help him. I remember feeling this way about my son too.

    But you have to also realize he doesn't really want "help" right now.

    Then I would think that not wanting help is also part of the disease and I'd fall back into sadness and helplessness.

    What my husband and I had to do to keep our sanity is to accept the fact that we could not help our son. I had to turn him over to God and know that it may be God's choice to take him. I knew that if he continued to be an addict that it was too painful for me to watch. I knew that he likely could die from this and there wasn't a thing I could do. I could not control this.

    It was way bigger than me.

    We sent our son away. I couldn't handle him being close any longer. I couldn't watch it. I couldn't handle the lies and betrayal anymore. It was tearing at my very core. I barely spoke to him or saw him for a few years until he went into the 13 month program which was our last resort.

    Oh and he went in kicking and screaming but I would have let him be homeless before I'd let him live with me again. I could not do it.

    I am thankful to say our son has now been sober for over a year and is finally living a normal life and is back with us. He is happy and learning how to live drug free. He is working full time and bought a vehicle with his own money and will make payments. He is seeing a nursing student. He has been given a second chance.

    My heart is filled with joy. I didn't think he'd ever be normal either.

    Every day is scary and I don't know what the future holds but I cannot live my life in fear. I've been afraid for too long.

    I'm just saying there is hope. All you can do is let him know that you love him. You cannot fix this for him.

    Take care of you in any way that you know how.
  19. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Thank you for sharing the wonderful news about your son. I know you must be overjoyed at his wonderful turnaround and outcome. I am thrilled for you and your family. This really made my heart smile for you.

    For the 2 or 3 weeks now I have thought that maybe my son needed intensive treatment in a long-term facility whether it be for drugs or psychiatric treatment. When we were at the ER the other night I wanted to ask the doctor about that possibility but since he had not given signed consent for them to discuss his case with a third party they were unable to talk to me at all.
  20. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I was snoozing about an hour ago and "what to my wondering eyes should appear" (in spirit of the holidays lol) on my caller ID but his wifi/internet phone number. He had told my husband and me that he did not have a phone in his possession, with or without service, so I don't don't if he was calling using someone's computer or ir he (gasp) was lying to us about not having a phone, or what. I don't know if he was calling for a positive reason or a negative one, but I did not answer. Today I am not in the mood to talk with him about anything. He made this bed, so he's going to have to lie in it until I feel like hearing what he has to say. I can't imagine what he wanted though, and typically when something is "urgent" (what's urgent in his world is usually not urgent at all in the rational world) he blows up my phone, dialing my number over and over and over until I answer or he gives up trying. He didn't do that this time, so I am as clueless what that was about as I am clueless what has been happening the last 24 hours.