What a Friggin Mess

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Feb 2, 2014.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My mom calls me last night and informs me that she has been in hospital since thursday. It took nearly a half hour to get her to stop talking in circles and tell me that she fell, did a face plant on the front sidewalk because she was scared to try to catch herself with her hands due to breaking her arms that way before...... That her forehead is so swollen she is not quite sure she still has her left eyeball. (she's not kidding, she doesn't think it is in there). It took another day and a nurse conversation to discover she broke her left elbow and it will require surgery. omg

    First of all I need to say my mother never formed a maternal bond with me due to circumstances beyond her control. That evolved into me being her target child for mental and physical abuse to the point where my grandmother stepped in and basically took over my raising as long as she could......until about age 12. Much, probably all, of this abuse stems from paranoid schizophrenia. I made my peace with that long ago. In recent years we've managed to form a relationship. I'm not quite sure it is a mother/daughter relationship.......at least not a typical one, but at the very least a friendship. I understand her. I "get" her mental condition. I can also see the person she would have been without mental illness and the person she attempted to be with it. While I may not love her as my mother, and I don't lie to myself and say that I do.......grandma was my mother in every sense of the word, I do love her and respect her for the person that she is, that she tried to be.

    By a weird twist of fate, the very child my mother once despised......attempted to kill multiple times, is the only one in her corner. Her welfare rests solely in my hands. I hold her power of attorney, financial and medical. I am the executor of her estate. I am also the only child she trusts.

    No one called me to tell me my mother fell, that she was in hospital. They know full well I am her medical power of attorney. That prohibits them from making any medical decisions on her behalf. So I am to be contacted. I wasn't. Hospital has it on file, but she was admitted for "observation" and so they never thought to look. Yes, I was polite but I told them they were negligent in not looking and not contacting me. The circumstances under which she was admitted.......seriously? This time I did not bawl them out, but they were warned next time I would not be so understanding.

    My brother who knew full well about both the fall and that she was in hospital did not contact anyone. Personally, I'd like to knock the snot out of him. BUT he managed to severely break his wrist just hours before mom was "admitted" and has been on some heavy duty pain medications since. Other brother just got into town last night and his live in girlfriend is also in hospital for GI issues. (long story) I've a feeling he told mom she'd better call me.

    Mom, casually as you please, gives me the news. When I want specifics she insists on telling me about bro's broken wrist and about how how it happened at about the same time and he was at the hospital getting surgery.........and about older bro's girlfriend and her GI issues. Then when I insisted she tell me about the fall and her condition, she felt it necessary to tell me she has all the funeral arrangements made (she did that ages ago, I already have the paperwork in my safe) and she'd done it this week. It took forever for her to tell me about falling and that her forehead was bruised and massively swollen so that it's swollen shut over her left eye. Then she insisted she lost the eye in the fall, despite the fact that I explained that was impossible and that it just seemed that way due to swelling. She did say they did 40 xrays on her arm and was doing an MRI last night.

    I got much the same run around this afternoon when I spoke to her. I had to tell her I needed to hang up and talk to the nurse and contact other family and let them know what was going on.

    So I spoke to her nurse who went total defensive the moment I mentioned I was mom's medical power of attorney. (only mentioned it because it prevents them from pulling out the hippa card over her medical information) I told her that I needed to know Mom's condition, that all she'd told me about was falling and her forehead. Nurse is the one who informed me that Mom had broken her elbow to the point of needing surgery this week. The MRI came back ok. There was no medical reason to keep her in hospital. They were waiting on discharge papers to be signed by the doctor.

    I admit. That wiped my brain. It happens. So I thanked her and hung up. The whole "oh, she has a broken arm and can't see out of her left eye but we're sending her home anyway" thing just sort of blew my mind. Like really?? The woman just fell flat on her f--ing face with 2 good arms and 2 good eyes and nothing in her path but you feel it safe to just send her on home?? Really?? REALLY?? I did call back and talk to the case manager.

    Now thanks to them admitting her under "observation" instead of actually admitting her......she qualifies for no other services unless she wants to pay out of pocket. Folks, that will never happen.

    So younger bro finally posts on fb. (like I said, I'm giving him some leeway due to the broken wrist and pain medications) that older bro is picking mom up and taking her to my aunt Genny's house. Um, my aunt is 5 years older than my mom and can barely walk across the room, her husband is an abusive sob. Are you f--ing kidding me?? Younger bro did say he'd try to get older bro to talk her into going to my aunt Dorma's. Not much better situation except that Dorma can at least move around and there is no abusive people in the household.

    I call sis in Texas as I assume no one called her either. I was right. Once we got past her thinking I was calling about sis in Indy.....and that I was talking about mom........well........phht. Sis cares, I know she does. But mom burned her bad when she tried to move mom there. Sis' intentions were good, but when mom started to back out she should've dropped it instead of pushing ahead. She swore mom was not "with it" when she was there with them. Not so sure I'm buying that. These are my siblings, but they have been in denial about mom's mental diagnosis their whole lives until very very recently.....and mistakenly lump it in with senility. I can't take mom's paranoia as "proof" of her mental incompetence because that is her normal mental state to varying degrees. It does not mean she can't still function. She has functioned unmedicated in that state her whole life. I did assure sis that I understand why and hold no harsh feelings toward her that she refused not to step forward to "help" with mom again. And I do. It just saddens me. She was glad I called her to let her know what was going on and said she'd back whatever decision I make when I make it, glad that I have both the training and experience to handle it better than she did.

    Sis in Texas can't take care of herself right now due to the massive heart attack and quadruple bi-pass and complications with her kidneys. She is normally the one who would go stay with mom.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Younger bro........may be my bro but he is a class A @sshole. Oddly enough, I know why. I understand why. Doesn't change the fact he is a @ss. I can't count on any information he gives me. None. Nada. He wants the "problem" of mom gone, out of his face, so he doesn't have to feel obligated to deal with it. His solution has always been to lock her up into a nursing home, liquidate her assets, and split up the funds so he gets his share. When they day comes, if there is a share to give. I just may literally cram it right up his backside with relish. He was raised better, if not by mom (and she tried), then by our step dad who raised us as his own. He refuses to let go of the idea that mom is "incompetent" and therefore cannot sell her house without the signatures of all 5 kids. Now I don't know where he got such a stupid notion, but that is what financial power of attorney's are for, so he is in for a very rude awakening. Perhaps it was the pain medications, but he let it slip that he was trying to talk mom into switching POA over to him. (I knew this) The anger that she flat out refused and it was with me came through loud and clear, even as he was trying to get me to agree with him by using my not being contacted over mom's hospitalization as an example. P*ssed him off when I told him anything I need to do as medical POA can be done over the phone until I arrive. The "man" things he's brilliant when in fact he is a self serving moron when it comes to such things. And so, you now know why he doesn't hold POA. He is majorly ticked off that I successfully stopped him from getting mom declared incompetent.

    I have not spoken with older bro and will not until given no choice. I have my reasons and they won't waver. Those reasons don't involve mom. They have to do with the two of us. He at least actually does have mom's best interest at heart. This, I have to say, came as a surprise, because I'd have expected younger bro's behavior to come from him, not the other way around.


    Now?? I will have to call mom every single day and assess her while she recovers. Why don't I just rush back home and force her to come here? Because of my training and experience. I know that a fall can rattle even the most competent elderly person. I know that admission to hospital can make that worse. Injury with pain medications.......yeah, even more so. When I was speaking with mom she was out of her environment, injured, and on pain medications. I spoke with the case manager (and because of my training I truly understand what they watch for ect with assessment) in depth. Neither the nurses nor physical therapist found any reason to believe that mom could not act independently. That means at this point, I have to rely on their professional opinions. I don't like it, but it's what I've got. Mom was not so far "off" when I spoke to her for me to think I need to rush over and take over.

    I don't like her being at my aunts house, but I like her being alone in her home more. I already know that my brothers will not stop daily and look in on her. Younger bro refuses to do anything for her, he told me point blank. Older bro has to work, being a truck driver he is nearly always out of town. He checks on mom when he is in town, but that is just not very darn often.

    I'm going to have to really be pushing her to settle her affairs and use the safety issue to do so. Sadly, I'm also going to have to be bluntly honest about her other 4 children. Mom is still in "mom mode" holding onto the house should any of the kids need to come home due to financial crisis or whatnot. I told her not long ago that her Mom mode days are over. She can no longer be the caretaker of anyone. It's time to let us take care of her and for her to enjoy herself. None of the kids will ever go home again. Ever. This is due to mom's mental state. Now, oddly enough, that she is incapable of hiding her paranoia ect, they can't tolerate being in the same household with her. No matter how desperate they are. It's time to sell the house and get the monkey off her back. It is time for her to come here (or wherever it is she decides). Her days of living alone are numbered. One more fall it will not be her decision to make. I will make it for her. I'm hoping it won't come to that. But it is a safety issue and I will be neglecting her if I ignore it, even if it is because she wants me to.

    I didn't want this job. It wasn't that long ago (several years) on this very board that I said hell would have to freeze over before I ever accepted POA for my mom or took her into my home. Well, look where I am today. phht. I still don't want this job. But I will not stand by while younger bro tries to strip our mother from her independence to make his life easier either. And so I got stuck with the job.

    There is a war ahead. Maybe/maybe not with my mother. I can handle her just fine and I know exactly what I am dealing with concerning her mental illness and everything else. The real war is going to be with my siblings, evidently one in particular. One who only remembers the whimpy pushover little sister who was everyone's victim, who does not know the force he is reckoning with in the woman she has grown into. That whimpy pushover victim died the day I walked out of that town for good.

    I also have an ace in my pocket they can't comprehend. I don't give jack sh*t what they think about me, if they care about me or not. They have no means in which to hurt me. Which gives them no power at all over me. There will be no guilt trips, no emotional blackmail. I will do right by my mother if it means alienating them from my life forever. It won't bother me in the least to do so. I'm keeping the last promise I made to my grandmother, and no one will stop me from doing so.

    That might sound harsh, but then you'd have to understand my family. As I have said, there are many reasons I moved so far away all those years ago. There are reasons my children were not raised around them to any real degree.
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    (((Lisa))) I'm so sorry, this is a mess ... wishing you a moment of peace when you can get it.

  4. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're having to deal with this mess. Don't have any advice but I'm sending hugs and prayers to you.
  5. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice eithe but want to send good thoughts and prayers your way.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sheesh! When it rains, it pours.
    I love this part: "The real war is going to be with my siblings, evidently one in particular. One who only remembers the whimpy pushover little sister who was everyone's victim, who does not know the force he is reckoning with in the woman she has grown into. That whimpy pushover victim died the day I walked out of that town for good."
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My friend, I am sorry you are in this position. Sadly I am fully aware that "someone" in the family can take action to undermine your authority although your love and intentions are honorable. One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is that siblings who are hoping for financial gain can manage to replace your protective power. Do I have an answer for you? No, I don't. I do know that years ago when my parent and my inlaws were vulnerable..others in the family were able to replace my "power" for their own selfish gain. I hope and pray that you are truly able to protect her. I do know from experience that sometimes..it just isn't possible. Your are a kind, loving and dependable child. As your CD family member I feel compelled to remind you that there are ways for others with-o kind motives to usurp your position. Hugs DDD
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    DDD I know it can be done. Thankfully bro won't try anything other than changing Mom's mind about who has the power........and it would take H*ll freezing over before that happened because he destroyed any trust she had in him over the stunt with sis in Texas. (most of that was bro's doing, not sis) Bro is too broke to attempt any other move.......as is any other family member who might consider it. Sis in Texas is done in that direction, totally.

    If they want it that bad, they can have it. I will have given it my best shot to protect her and that is all I can do. That is the ONLY reason I let her put me as her POA in the first place.

    Right now she is making me none to happy as it is as I'm suddenly butting heads with her too. Pain medications and having to stay at my aunts with 2 brothers who flat out refuse to take her anywhere near the house has her lashing out. I was her target today because I happened to call. I don't back down from her, though, but I do know how to calm her down. She is feeling pushed out of her home again and it has her panicking. I told her I'm not pushing her anywhere but safety is now an issue. If she wants to stay in her home, someone will have to be there with her. I don't care if that is a room mate or hired help. Although a room mate will not last long due to the paranoia issue.

    She was talking all over the place today and rambling on and on and on. Couldn't keep facts straight or even keep events in order. I'm not jumping to conclusions yet because she is still on pain medications and she took a major thump to the head. Not to mention she is still out of her normal environment.

    She is none to happy with me because I had to once again inform her that her days as family caretaker are over. That not one of her grown children will move into her home regardless of how desperate their financial status becomes......which is why she says she wants to hold on to it. What she really wants is for me to move in with her. Folks that is just NOT going to happen. I'd live on a street corner first. Never will I live either in that state or town again. Period. No discussion. She just is unable to grasp that each of her children are now the heads of their own family/extended families and have their own obligations. In her eyes we're still each immature 20 yr olds. omg

    So I will do the best I can to keep my promise to my grandma and I just can't do any more than that. It's hard enough to deal with an elderly parent who is fighting given up much of their independence without adding severe mental illness into the mix for kicks. I'm not shooting for miracles, just to let her have what independence she can have for as long as she can have it.