What do you do when you put adult son in rehab with their bills?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tryingtobestrong, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    Looking for input in this just in case he agrees to go to inpatient rehab...
    If my son turns suicidal and agrees to go to a hospital and then to rehab, what do I do with the remaining part of his lease? It ends in July. If he goes to rehab, he won't be around to renew it plus he won't be able to afford it since his girlfriend is leaving him. I guess we would have to clean out the apartment and put it in storage?
    If he agrees to go for help, what happens to his bills like his credit card bills, etc? I wouldn't have access to pay them via his bank account.
    His job? Will it be there for him if he goes to rehab and then returns. I was hoping to see about FMLA but still unsure of the result.
    So very scared of what will take place when she leaves. It will not be good.
    I am not going co-sign any more of his leases that is for sure. I did this one- long story there but never again.
    Even if he goes to rehab, when he gets out he will need a place to live. Just don't know how this will work out because we live over 1500 miles away.
    Pretty bad when you feel the best option is if God takes him home. I am a terrible mother for feeling this way but I am exhausted with worry for the last 6 years. It just never ends. He has so much going for him but his anxiety, depression and alcohol use has caused relationship issues with family and his girlfriend.
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hi TTBS, and welcome. You will find some great support here, from parents who have been or are in your situation. More will probably be along shortly to share their perspective.

    I totally understand your exhaustion. Six years is a long time for you to be carrying this burden. Maybe it's time to put it down. We want to help our children so badly, but we can't carry their burdens for them, especially not when they are adults. It's not good for them, and it's not good for us.

    Much of your son's anxiety and depression may very well be linked to his alcohol use. Treatment of those conditions really won't be as effective until he gets sober, and once he does get sober he might find that those conditions are much more manageable.

    Maybe you are projecting a lot of "what ifs" into a situation that isn't definite yet? IF he agrees to go to rehab, then the apartment situation can be figured out, but I think that's not really high on the list of priorities if he is borderline suicidal and needs rehab.

    IF he goes to rehab and completes the program, he likely will be given some options on housing, perhaps even through a sober living arrangement. In my opinion, it will be best for his recovery if he is the one to take responsibility for figuring out those things on his own. He might want to make many changes in his life.
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi TTBS,

    Welcome to the forum.

    It sounds like you may be a co-signer on your son’s lease. If so, you are probably want to protect your credit.

    Most apartments allow the tenants to break the lease by paying two months rent. The laws probably vary by state, so I would check to see what it is in the state where he resides. You could also clandestinely make a call to the apartment complex and ask them about their policy.

    If you aren’t on the lease, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    Someone will have to clean out the apartment or pay a moving company to do it. If he doesn’t have much of value, maybe he would consider donating what he doesn’t need, especially if he is in a long-term program, to save on storage.

    I would make sure the utilities, cable, internet, etc. is turned off. This all an be done after he is in the hospital or rehab and stabilized.

    Your son would need to find out what kind of benefits he is entitled to from his company’s HR department. You can inform them if need be. He may be cover by FMLA. The job may or may not be there when he comes back. Right now, his recovery is more important.

    I wouldn’t worry about your son’s credit card bills. I’m sure he isn’t the only person in rehab who has bills to pay every month. If he has money, I’m sure he will either pay them himself or give someone access to his account. If he doesn’t have any money, they won’t get paid for a while. He won’t be the first person this has happened to. It isn’t the worst thing in the world.

    I would want to have as much information as possible, if it were me. It will make things less scary if you know what is ahead.

    Keep us informed on the situation.

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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    tryingtobestrong, how old is your son?
  5. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    My son is 23. I had posted in the Substance Abuse forum as to the situation. He moved to the west coast almost 2 1/2 years ago. His girlfriend followed him about 6 months later. Before he left here he had an alcohol problem big time- always refused to go to rehab. He moved and in 3 months got a dui which one would think would have rattled him due to all of the fines, etc. Was on probation and could drive as long as he installed the blower in the car. Probation ended and he sold the car because the blower was still required to be in for another year with the DMV. According to the girlfriend, he went back into drinking and has become worse but is trying right now to stop. He actually told me he felt really good about it this time..... His anxiety and depression is really bad esp in the am and he cries at work. He has a decent job but is getting burnout but it could be all of his other problems causing it. The girlfriend told me a week ago that she plans on moving back to the east coast shortly and not to tell my son because of how he will react. When he drinks he gets not very nice. I have been a complete mess because of everything that will take place. She said we should be there when she leaves because she knows he will try to hurt himself. I fear for him damaging the place too. He is not an aggressive person sober. So all of the scenarios are not good. I know he will be suicidal because we went down that road before. He threatens and I call 911 and they take him. He gets accessed and they let him go stating he is just drunk. When he was in his teens they did keep him on a 72 hour hold and he blames me to this day for how traumatic that was and how it affected him. I do believe that is why he refuses to go to rehab. He has finished college and has so many goals in life - with her.... However, now she wants to leave and I know his world will crash. He won't be able to make it in the area he lives in by himself unless he gets a very cheap apartment. Unless he does a complete turn around I don't see how he will agree to sober living. I pray he will but I am exhausted and to the point I feel the only way out is if he passes away. I am horrible but I can't go on like this. I pray he gives himself a chance at a good life and turns it around but so far he has never tried always found an excuse. If he truly has stopped and she leaves, that will make him go back to it.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    YOU nor his girlfriend can stop him from drinking. You are trying to control the situation from 1300 miles away. That is literally impossible.

    We are mothers but we cannot live our children's lives for them. I know you are very worried, I would be too but in reality he has to figure this out for himself.

    I had to accept at some point that my son could die from his addiction before he got help. That was a very hard thing for me to accept but once I did accept it, it made me stronger. My son still could die from his addiction although he has been sober for five months and is in a long term faith based program.

    Most people that abuse substances have to hit rock bottom or close to it before they can decide to change their lives which means that things have to get worse before they can get better. Maybe his girlfriend leaving him will be what he needs to truly get sober for good.

    By you making yourself sick with worry it will not help him at all, and will certainly not help you.

    I realize you need to do what you need to do to be okay with all of this. I just wanted to offer my support and give you a few things to think about that helped me.

    We are here for you and we do get it.
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for the anguish you are feeling. It's the worst kind of pain to watch our adult children spiral out of control but please understand, you cannot rescue him. At 23 he has a really good chance of turning things around. Nothing for him will change until he chooses to change it.
    You have to do what you are comfortable doing but really think about it before you act. Take some time to step back, do some slow deep breathing and once your spirit is calm, then look at what you are wanting to do for him.
    One of the hardest lessons to learn is that "helping isn't always helping" Of course we don't want to see our children suffer or struggle but it's through the suffering and struggling that they grow.
    Don't be too quick to swoop in and take care of things for him. Offer him suggestions of what he needs to do and go from there. It can be too easy for us as parents to go in and take control without realizing that we are not allowing our children to suffer natural consequences of the choices they have made.
    It is a delicate balancing act for sure.
    I know you are scared but there are many of us who have been where you are and our children have managed to get through their trials.
    Hang in there and let us know how things are going.
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  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Rather than worry about the bills before he is even thinking about rehab, why not start going to Alanon yourself? Addiction is a disease that makes the entire family sick. The whole family ends up needing treatment, not just the alcoholic. One of the absolute best things you can do for your son is to start dealing with your codependence as soon as possible. That is the name for the part of the sickness that the family gets, codependence. It means you take on a lot more responsibility for his life than you really need to, and you have to learn to give that back to him, to let him be independent again.

    You can read Codependent No More, which is a truly wonderful book. Seeing a therapist who is experienced in addiction and codependence is a good thing. Just make sure you are comfortable. It can take a few tries to find the right therapist, so don't feel bad if after a couple or three sessions you decide to find a different therapist because one said something absolutely stupid to you. You might double check that what they said was ridiculous, that it isn't your codependence talking, but it can take a few tries to find the right therapist.

    Alanon is also a wonderful resource. Meetings are held at different times and places in most communities. You should try several different meetings so you find one that you are comfortable with. Each meeting has a different dynamic. It is a resource that will help you as you help your son. In fact, if you go to Alanon, it will increase the chances that your son will eventually reach long term sobriety by a great deal.

    All of these things will be helpful so that you will be able to respond in a healthy way when the time comes that your son actually has to deal with his girlfriend leaving and any other crisis in his life. You will also have other people you can bounce ideas off of to see what is reasonable and what isn't. Of course we will be here and will always help, but having more resources is never a bad thing!