What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by elliedeb, Aug 6, 2013.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    difficult children run for the money. It isn't about loving dad more, or if the difficult children are even able to love at all. They love themselves best and want to get free money for their toys without working for it. So they follow the money. I don't have money either.

    Sad thing is, 36 will make fun of his father to me although is father has spent a mint of his custody fight for his son. Although he is supposed to pay him back, he clearly tells me that he has no intention of doing it because it's not possible. But he keeps telling his dad he will pay him back. Today, since it is near his son's birthday, he called me to tell me he is trying to talk his father into buying his son a $400 booster seat to replace the smaller one his son has. Who needs a $400 booster seat? But his dad enables him and it's none of my business so I just keep it quiet.
    Doesn't mean I like it though. I made an excuse to get off the phone when he started giggling and telling me how he is trying to "work on" his dad to get his son this expensive booster seat.

    In many ways, for many reasons, I am often glad I live paycheck to paycheck with a man who has a heart of gold. At least we know who REALLY loves us and those who want to see us and have relationships with us are NOT using us for anything more than our wonderful selves (haha!). But it's true. They want to know us because of who we are, not because of what we can give them. I do have three wonderful grown children and when I contrast them with the oldest two, it is impossible not to compare.
     
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Rup, welcome to this forum and I am glad you are here. You sound strong even though you are having struggles. I feel the same way! I feel so much stronger than I ever did before but I also have struggles. Welcome to the human race, I say to the both of us.

    Also your post for some reason made something bubble up in me. I want to write about it here. As a young woman, newly married, I was way too attached to my mother, instead of my husband. That was not a healthy dynamic and I see today even more clearly how unhealthy that was for my 29-year marriage. (ended in divorce about 6 years ago).

    After my sister died of a long genetic illness, my mother really began to change through some grief therapy she was going to. The change was very necessary for her, I believe now. She had been a caregiver all of her life, first for her mother who abused prescription drugs and then for my sister (third of four children, I was the oldest). She needed to find her own life.

    I don't think I liked that very much. She began to set new boundaries for herself and I just remember that she began to change. ( I really would like to have a conversation with her about that now, I am thinking this morning, and tell her I am sorry for my behavior.)

    Because here is what happened (as I remember it now). I had a part-time job in college at a hospital. I worked on a floor as a "ward secretary" and had that job for about 2.5 years. I was/am a very friendly person and I was friendly to the doctors and nurses and all people on the floor. One doctor in particular took that the wrong way: he decided to "come on" to me one day. As a naive college student, it scared me to death. I thought he and I were friends and was shocked by this. It really was a small thing, looking back now, he didn't force me to do anything and he immediately apologized and it blew over. But back then, I blew that up in my mind as I was harassed by a person of power. (Well maybe officially but it was a one-time thing, nothing happened with my job, and life went on).

    Fast forward to when Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas were in a public battle. I tied my situation to Anita's and was fierce in my support of her and her position. A man in a power position harassed her. Somehow it had happened to me. My mother didn't believe Anita. She supported Clarence. We would have long discussions about this, very heated. Somehow I felt my mother was not supporting me. I was very hurt and upset and I distanced myself from her, almost completely, for about six months.

    Looking back at all of this now, I believe I was at fault for my behavior. I think there were a lot of mixed up feelings within me about my relationship with my mother. I had her on a pedestal. If she said something, that was the gospel. Whether it was about food, decor, whatever. My poor husband. He didn't have a chance. I was Momma all the way, to heck with what you think.

    I can almost laugh about it, but wow, how skewed I was. So when she "didn't support me/Anita" I was betrayed.

    It was all about me. And I was very mixed up.

    Today, we have a great relationship and thankfully, I have grown tremendously. I moved away from where we all lived (same town) and I think that was very good for me, for her, for my marriage, etc.

    I had a very very hard time detaching from my mother, who is a very strong woman and a very loving woman. She was a great mother, not perfect, but great.

    Maybe my own son is having the same trouble. What a light bulb moment I am having here this morning.

    I have detached and changed dramatically and I have quit enabling him.

    There is a lot of learning here that I need to think about and let time show me more.

    Thanks Rup! Who knew? I hope you can see how much your posting is helping me.

    Please keep talking and let us know how you are feeling and processing all of this. I can imagine you are in a very lonely place and just trying to deal with all of this rejection and distance from your daughter day by day.

    There is a lot of support, care, sincerity and wisdom here on this site. Please "take what you like and leave the rest." We share from our experience, strength and hope.

    My best to you this day, and sincere thanks.
     
  3. ruppertk

    ruppertk New Member

    Thank you guys for reading my posts and sharing with me in return. What is difficult child?
    I think anger from different angles keeps me strong in this scenario with my daughter, I am angry at my past actions, angry at her entitlement, angry at her father who promotes this. So in this case anger is is my friend in a sense. Yes I was an extreme enabler codependent people pleaser and had no clue, everytime I felt sad Id become righteous like I was better than them both because I was so selfless. I take full part in this creation and I am sorry for it, although I do wish that I could be more grateful for the awareness than sorry and I hope that that balance changes. My price has been very high as I am quite lonely in this, the divorce and his remarriage was a complete embarrassment, he was my closest friend and my husband and I never thought in a million years that in the end he wouldn't do the right thing. as these layers peel away I am more embarrassed of myself for who I chose to be in my life and stayed in for way past the point to promote him to abuse me(not physically just the things I was willing to do trying to save us all) and my dedication and the abuse of my own self as my oldest daughter was our observer. ( actually that entire sentence means I was my own abuser enabling him to do unto me)For the last year I worried about my daughter announcing marriage I thought to myself what the hell, you just saw alllll this go on, you haven't even come close to finishing any schooling and to boot this princess of mine hasn't the maturity level for this commitment AND having a wedding doesn't help heal from your parents divorce. Of course I wanted to say all that but I didn't, it took a year of sitting on my lips and I soon realized my girl is on her own journey now weather its in spite of me or result of things her father and I did, either way, its hers and her price to pay or her benefit to reap from.
    It hurts really bad to know the lady that married my ex in the same month of our divorce helped my daughter pick out her wedding dress. Odd thing is I didn't cry or react to that action I was already sad I guess, in the past year she has called the police on me when I yelled at her for treating me badly, she has taken anything I say to her father to let him know of my life as he may be able to use it to gain custody of our youngest, Yah I think I am just sad so I cant react further, grown numb.
    Add on top of it this new lady has some nerve forcing my youngest to learn to say yes mam or no mam to her, forcing respect to the woman who participates in the destruction of her little life leaving me to explain why its okay to say "mam" to her. I could go on and on, I will say I am grateful that she hasn't hit or been overtly mean to her although this woman and my ex sat my child down and her own 3 children and told them all that they were 2nd compared to him and his new wife and my youngest went to school and wrote a report on how thankful she was to be second ughhh..
    I end with this, When I was growing up my mother told me, "I hope that when you have children of your own their twice as bad as you have been" I will not continue that famous saying it ends here.
     
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi again. Are you in any kind of counseling? In my opinion only, I think you need to let go of what your ex and his new wife say to your child. You can't control their time with your younger daughter. I wouldn't even want to know what went on there because it is strictly out of my control. I would concentrate on being the best mom to daughter as possible, regardless of what ex and his wife say or do when she is with them. My son is divorced and that is how he handles it. They really do not know what goes on in the other's home...neither can control it and both have different parenting styles so they are never going to be able to co-parent or get along that way. I think it is best for you to let go of your ex, your anger, and move on to a new life of happiness. Again, all this is just my opinion, but I do think it was best to keep quiet when your daughter said she is getting married. She is a legal adult and you can't stop it and sometimes expressing your opinion just causes adult children to show you that you can't stop them...and then you have Romeo and Juliet. I feel it is our role, as parents to adult children, to let them learn by making their own decisions and mistakes, just like we did.

    I do not know the history of you and ex's new wife, but I don't see any reason for you to ever have a conversation with her again. Or even to see her. Again, I think you will feel better if you let all of them go and just concentrate on yourself and your own life. Ruminating over what you should have done or did does not help you live a fulfilling life. Anger can be positive if it is short term, but in the long term it just makes us bitter and keeps us stuck in the past. Whatever happens between your ex, his wife and your two daughters, you can STILL have a great, fulfilling life apart from all of their drama.On the wedding dress, chances are Dad paid for it and let her pick out a really expensive one, maybe one you couldn't afford. If so, she is using him for his %%% and I wouldn't be jealous. It doesn't make your daughter's character shine either, but it is typical of our difficult children. They go where the money goes.

    Do you have good friends, fun hobbies, groups you'd like to join, co-workers you enjoy? I'd focus on building a new "family" and a support system for yourself so that you can have some fun. You, in my opinion only, need to be around positive, validating people who like the things that you like.

    You still did not mention substance abuse. If it is a factor, I'd go to a twelve step meeting...a few actually...it's a good place to start to heal for many of us. Sounds like you may be overthinking the "what ifs" and that overthinking is another thing that can hold us back. So what if you made mistakes? Who hasn't? You, in my opinion, need to forgive yourself and start planning for My LIfe Part II.

    I also believe we all need to move on with help...if tweleve step isn't for you, I suggest a therapist or, if you are religion, the clergy.

    I am sorry for your hurting heart and I hope you can start healing it ASAP!!! :)
     
  5. ruppertk

    ruppertk New Member

    Theres no history of substance abuse not during all those years. After yes I drank wine and cried all the time for 6 months then snapped out of it. The last year has been healing slowly as drama from all directions. but I just have bad days. I can honestly say its probably pity party days. Then ill snap out of it again and move forward. I agree I need to forgive me. Today is quite better than the last few days that I allowed the clouds to come over me, poor me blah blah. Through the great divide most friends have faded or just stay distant I start to think that's ok for now, I need to make sure I am being friends with myself first. It may sound crazy but I wanna be able to trust myself to look out for me as I see that I haven't. I am pretty good at self coaching But at times I feel tired, like I take a step backward then two steps forward. I do believe "this too shall pass" but I question when does it pass I am ready to not be so tired.
    Thank you for all of your support reading it has helped fan my flame again. And I will be referring to the detachment link its a great source.
    I haven't been to counseling in quite awhile no medical insurance at this time. I went a lot last year. I do believe the time is coming to step out more and get busy so these thoughts and clouds don't have a chance to develop.
    thank you Midwest :)
     
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I love this.

    I need to do this. Become a me I can trust to look out for myself, I mean.

    I am learning to do this, I think.

    You have been through unbelievable betrayal. No one could have seen that coming. If my husband did that to me, betrayed me over time, again and again, I wouldn't know what to do, what to think or how to handle it, either.

    I would feel globally condemned.

    You've made it through the first six months. That is something. It sounds like you are feeling a little stronger ~ sort of lifting your head and having a look at the new landscape. Next steps will be about marshaling your forces to stand up again.

    Everything will look different from that changed perspective.

    I'm so sorry that kind of betrayal happened, and keeps happening, to you. Betrayal says less about the person betrayed than it does about the ethics of the betrayer. I don't know what you meant when you posted about self-esteem issues from actions taken to preserve your marriage...but I do know that there are times when we require ourselves to do our best, our utmost, for the sakes of our marriages.

    We promised.

    What the other person does with our sacrifice is about who they are. It has nothing, nothing at all, to do with us, with who we are.

    A person who will belittle and betray the person they married is not a nice person. It seems to me that you have borne the brunt of issues that most likely have nothing to do with you. Something about sitting the kids down and telling them they come second to the relationship between the husband and the wife doesn't quite sit well with me....

    Though I know it doesn't feel like it right now, there may come a time when you will know this break up of your marriage was a healthy thing.

    The nature of the break up, the continued
    harassment of you and of your mothering, the attempts to avoid all responsibility for the part he played in his own marriage....

    Perhaps your husband betrays himself, deludes himself, creates a hero of himself (and a villain of his partner) whether we are talking first marriage, second marriage, job, or business partnership.

    When people do decent things, it is usually because they are decent people. They do not behave decently in their marriages or primary relationships because their partners are decent ~ they behave decently because they are decent. Same thing with people who do not behave with decency. Your ex-husband's betrayal, his immediate re-marriage (red flag right there) and his actions toward their mutual children....

    He seems kind of slimy, to me.

    Cedar
     
  7. ruppertk

    ruppertk New Member

    Thank you Cedar for your post and thank you for this quote.
    Reading your post reminds me to not be too hard on myself, I'm not responsible for everyone else's behavior or actions. I did know for years that the relationship was unhealthy, in my hopeful mindset I thought that over time the children's existence would teach him how to be a decent person. Now I see that my job is cut out for me as I watch him being a bad influence consistently to the children.
    I spent many years putting them all first in an unhealthy way due to where I put myself on that list. When I realize where I had myself on this list it is exactly where my daughter and her father have placed me also. Hard lesson to learn but I am first on my list now and I can not waiver. It is lonely at the top but I am worth it. Thank you :)
     
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    How cool of you to have seen this, ruppertk!

    As this next little bit of time passes, it will be easier for you to reach for healing, easier for you to let go of who you thought you had to be to claim intrinsic worth.

    I have been through that same kind of thing, myself. Taking my worth from outside, from assuming a role (mother, nurse, wife, perfect housecleaner, perfect cook, perfect...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

    So boring and lonely to be in relationship with your own perfection. Was I perfect, did I fail, to what degree, would it have been better if.... I was so locked into myself! These things happened to me, in part, because of my upbringing. I needed to spend a little time reviewing what happened and what that had meant for where I believed my true value, my intrinsic worth, was measured. It was a little scary to confront those old demons? But it was so worth it, ruppertk. I began feeling a deep compassion for myself, for my bravery, for the losses I'd sustained.

    For my happiness, even.

    Maybe, none of this could have happened for you, had you remained locked into the role (and its restrictions) of your marriage.

    I look back on the worst things in my life, and see that, once I was an adult, they were times of change. Change is the scary thing, not necessarily the loss of the person or the lifestyle.

    To free float in comfort is an impossible thing to do. Yet, that is what we have to do.

    All of us here on the site find ourselves in your position in a way, ruppertk. We are in the midst of change by choice. We are trying to see more clearly, even if we need to see beyond our own defenses to the hurt beneath, so we can be braver and stronger and can make better, more ethical decisions about ourselves and our lives and our children, in future.

    For me, it has been worth it. I don't understand why it has to hurt this much to learn that we are enough, in ourselves.

    It sure does, though.

    Cedar
     
  9. serenityseeker

    serenityseeker New Member

    One of the great things about this forum is that I no longer feel so alone. There are quite a few things I took from this thread of conversations that is benefitting me. Thank you.

    I have 2 daughters that doesn't get along with me. One of them has been that way forever, off and on. The other one, it seems, is getting worse as time goes on.

    Unfortunately, I feel that my relationship with my oldest is broken beyond repair. I do still have hope for my younger daughter.
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Serenityseeker, (love your name) you've responded to an old post from last March. You'll get more responses if you begin your own thread......which I would recommend so you can get some support.

    Welcome. I'm glad your reading the forum has helped you. It's a good feeling to know that you're not alone anymore, there are bunches of us "out there" struggling with our troubled kids....I'm glad you found us.

    Hang in there SS, keep posting, we're here if you need us.........
     
  11. serenityseeker

    serenityseeker New Member

    I chose this thread because of the subject. Should I begin a new thread with the same topic?
     
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You are welcome to use the same topic or a different one. You may, if you wish, copy the contents of your first post on this thread, into the new thread as well - no need to come up with a whole new post unless you want to.
     
  13. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Feel so bad for you. I am in a horrible situation at the moment with my 28 year old daughter. Its a long story, but it all started when her dad had an affair and left me and my 3 children under the age of 12. This was 16 years ago, my daughter was very close to her Dad. When he left she behaved like she hated me, was rude, stayed out, got in trouble at school. Screamed, swore at me & was violent towards me. Once she threw me through a glass table. Her Dad never supported me in trying to help her with counselling, or supporting me with her. When he left I had her hating me, my son very depressed, and my youngest in and out of hospital with a deteriorative illness, she was only 5. It was a very hard time.I lost a great deal of weight, and cried alot. I tried my very best to be there for my children. There were times when their Dad didnt contact them for 6 months and I had to beg him to come see them. I tried my very best, but my daughter would always lash out at me for everything. If it rained it was my fault, everything was always my fault.My energies were always on my eldest daughter because she needed so much attention, even when it was negative. This makes me feel so guilty about my younger two. Recently my daughter settled down with a lovely man and had a baby whom I adore. i do anything for them, and drop everything whenever my daughter needs anything. I tried to get her counselling when she was younger, but she would say that I was mad and needed help not her. She now at last is getting the counselling she needs. Her anger towards me has resurfaced and she lashes out at me all the time. I am devastated, as I thought that now she was a mother she would understand how a mother feels that I had and did do anything to make them happy to the detriment of myself. She recently told me that She no longer wants to see me but I can still see my Granddaughter. I am so devastated. I contact her everyday by phone or text, telling her that I love her and will always be there for her. I went round to see her recently with her favourite meal as she was unwell. She didn't make eye contact with me. I know she takes anti depressants. And I want to help her. Her partner is very supportive, but is also finding it hard to cope with her anger and negativity. I want to see my daughter and help her, and be a part of her life. I don't want a superficial relationship. I want it to be real. I think she blames me for her Dad leaving even when he told her the truth that it was his fault. She was his favourite and she must have felt abandoned by him. Maybe she thinks its my fault he left us for his secretary, I don't know. She says she loves me sometimes. But she looks at me with hate. I thought she had left that behaviour behind. Surely counselling should help her? Its brought up all the old anger and pain for her and as always she takes it out on me. I am truly devastated. I love her so much. My other two adult children say that she has "issues" with me, but say they love me and that I am a great mother. I spoilt her with love, attention and gifts to make up for her loss of her Dad. Its never enough for her. I am at a loss as to what to do. I wish she would come to mediation with me so we can communicate in a safe place. I am so scared. I don't want to lose her. My own mother has mental health problems and cut me out of her life 25 years ago. She was physically and verbally abusive, yet I still love her and forgive her. I went through a messy divorce but always put my kids first. Why does my daughter hate me so much? I can't stand it any more I want to leave the country. Or stay in bed with the covers over my head. Sorry this is so long, but I am new to this and am desperate. I can't eat or sleep with worry. I wish you all the best with your problem, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I feel alone. People think I have done so well bringing up my 3 all alone but they don't realise the reality. I am so sad.
     
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am going to read this as soon as I post this to you.

    You responded to an old post.

    I suggest you post your story alone to get more attention. Now I will read your story...I'm sure I've heard it before...we've pretty much heard it all. I'm sorry you feel the need to join us, but we are a good group and will try to give you validation and support. Welcome aboard.
     
  15. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Thankyou, I just can't figure out how to start a new post! Thanks very much for taking the time.
     
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ok. I read it. Now I can try to help and I feel very badly for you. We adopted a child at six years old from an orphanage in another country and expected him to be able to bond with us as if we were his family. We certainly loved him and bonded with him as much as we had with our other kids, but as an adult, he left us all and it's been eight years since I've seen him. I will share my thoughts.

    Nobody can make their adult children do anything, including having a relationship with them. You're lucky in that at least she isn't keeping your grandchild from you (some do), but you of course are heartbroken and miss the relationship that you wish you COULD have with your daughter. As hard as it is to believe or accept or understand, you and I have zero control over our grown children and they can be cruel enough to cut us out of their lives if they want to. My own feeling is the more I tried, the less GoneBoy, as I call him, respected me. He has two children I have never seen, but I'm used to it by now. Still, it hurts my heart when I give it thought. I do have four other kids I am close to, thank God, and I'm sure you have other loved ones who appreciate you and are kind to you. Sometimes we waste so much time trying to woo back our GoneKids and we lose touch with ourselves, whom we need to love, and our other loved ones, who get neglected as we brood. We also get depressed and stop going the things we love to do and obsess over how to fix our grown kids and how much we would do for them if only they would let us.

    Well, let me tell you, there are plenty of parents here who have kids who never want to grow up and will allow their parents to financially support them and theirs their entire lives. It's no less a problem than yours and mine. They aren't usually very nice to us either. And we can't change them either. Whether or adult kids want to stay Peter Pan or want us to leave them alone, we have 0% control over them, but we do have 100% control over our reaction to their behavior.

    In my case, I found out through my ex husband, the only person this Goneboy talks to in the family, that Gkoneboy has archived every letter I have written him in his computer to prove to his friends I am "crazy" and he has valid reasons for disowning me. I also contacted his church (he claims to be a devoute Christian) and got their reconciliation board to set up the only meeting we have ever had in eight years. He and his wife, who has influenced him (however, she doesn't even really know me) were so vile at that meeting...so incredibly cruel...that I was able to leave with a steady mind and a realization that this relationship had no chance of working at the time and to accept it. This was about five years into it. I hope this does not go five years for you, however, we can not plan our grown children's paths. Only they can do that. I am doing well now and counting my blessings every day, as you should. I have a wonderful husband and three AWESOME adult kids and one who struggles but loves me and two grandchildren. That's a lot of blessings! I did not see it that way at one time.

    When I was going through the grieving process, I was already in therapy and I added to the th erapy, which really helped me see the situation clearly and it also gave me coping skills that said, "YOU CAN DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT! NOBODY GETS EVERYTHING THEY WANT, EVEN FROM ONE'S CHILD!L" There are no guarantees. Sounds like your daughter, much like my son, have issues of their own. Whether they will admit th em or solve them is entirely in their hands.

    I would stop texting every day. That makes us both seem sad and pathetic and they will get satsifaction from it and in my opinion it will be less likely they'll see us kindly. They will see us as the old lady who is despearte and what POWER they have over us! They can RUIN us.

    They know they are being cruel. What kind of people are they to do this to peoplje who love them? I contend they are not very nice people.

    You may never have a relationship with your daughter. You may have one later. You may have one that you don't think is fair or is restrictive by HER rules. But it is your call how much you want to take from your daughter. For now, if you want to keep texting, I'd keep it to once a week and just type, "Thinking of you." I wouldn't even say "love you." She knows only too much.

    I have no contact with my Goneboy, but I have a rich, fulfilling happy life full of blessings and loved ones. And I also had to live through a horrific family-of-origin...I am the blacksheep. I no longer know them...this was MY decision, but they don't care. It works for both of us to be apart.

    I live by this prayer. Even if you are an atheist, there is so much wisdom here. Just take out the God part.

    "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, (this includes any other person but us)
    The Courage to accept the thing we can (this includes us...we can change ourselves and our ways of thinking)
    And the WISDOM to know the difference."

    Hugs and hope to hear more.
     
  17. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your story is very humbling. It must and still is so difficult for you, I do understand your anguish. The pain in my chest is unbearable at the moment. I feel sick all the time. I am finding myself unable to socialise with my family and friends. I feel like I am in mourning. I know she is enjoying the power she has over me. She has always been very clever and manipulative and I am playing into her hands. I know she is depressed and feel so sorry for her. I went round two days ago and she pretended to be out. All the lights were on. I haven't seen my grand daughter in two weeks and my heart is breaking. I work with pre schoolers and Thank God for that, they are the light in my day. My poor husband tries so hard with me, and my daughter actually speaks to him! She answers his calls and not mine! She tells him that she loves me. But I find that hard to believe. When I love someone I do not knowingly hurt them like that. I am too ashamed to tell anyone about the hell I am currently living in without my daughter in my life. I do believe in God and pray every day that things will get better. I know that I have to count my blessings as I have two other grown children who treat me with more respect and love. That is all I really want. Whenever my eldest daughter has a problem it is always me that helps me and me she calls. Throughout her hard pregnancy I was there for her. When the baby was just two weeks old she went out to a party all night, and I stayed to look after the baby. I have had the baby over night many, many times. I am always there for her. I don't want to abandon her. But i feel you must be right as I have read many of your replies to people and you always seem so reasonable and fair. I will try not to contact her every day, as she will enjoy this too much. This is dominating my every waking time and I must stop this. For my own sanity and for the other relationships in my life. It is a hard path, but I will try. Thank you so much for listening to my ramblings on. You are very kind. God bless you
     
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I have a few thoughts.

    First of all, get counseling so you can move on. Your daughter is manipulative and mean and wants to hurt you. Why do you want her in your life if s he is that way? You need help.

    Also, I would put the kabosh on husband. She is doing that to cause a split between you and again to make you feel bad. You are a team. He should tell her, in my opinion, "You can not treat your mother this way or I am not going to have a relationship with you until you stop. She is my wife and if you won't talk to her, I won't talk to you."

    She is playing baby games with you and you are spending too much time thinking about her. The fact is, she's not a good daughter and you should focus on your own life and your daughters who love you and kindly ask them to not get involved in your daughter's drama...that you don't want to know what she says. The less people involved in her game, the less fun it is for her and the less power she has. It may be hard, but I'd stay away from her FB or defriend her, tell your other girls you are no longer talking about her...that it is just between you and your daughter...and really lay it on your husband who should not be involved at all.

    When she feels her hurtful support system falling apart, she will likely start going off on everyone else too and lose her support, but that is her decision.

    It's time for you to take your power away from her. Be firm with your other loved ones and tell them without wavering that if they speak about this daughter and in husband's case if he keeps talking to her, you will walk away or leave the house if t hey start mentioning her. Make it between you and daughter and enforce it. Your daughter really enjoys all this attention. I wonder if she has borderline personality disorder.

    Regardless, you have a life to live and others who love you. Don't waste your time thinking only about the one who is not nice. You can't change her and you have a lot of life to live and a lot of happiness in your future if you stop getting pulled into her drama. It is sad when a grown child plays baby games, but it IS possible to move on. I would try it. If not, you could have no life at all and that is so unfair to you and to others who love you.

    Drop the constant talk to ANYONE about this daughter. It's you and your daughter, not you, your daughter, your two other daughters and a husband too. Make that clear and get help to help you continue to live without the constant depression. You have many blessings too and it's best to focus on those things.

    Hugs!!!
     
  19. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I have often wondered about the borderline personality disorder with regards to my daughter. I wonder if its hereditary, as my own mother has been diagnosed after many years of psychotic behaviour, beating me and berating me right up until I ran away from home at aged 17. I was put in a childrens home at aged 9 and cried when I had to return home! My mother could be very charming, but behind closed doors very different. With regard to my daughter she too is very clever, manipulative and I realise that you are right she is playing her old games of divide and rule. By getting her siblings to feel sorry for her, and my husband her step dad who is conflicted between me and her. I will take heed of what you have said. It is becoming more and more clear to me now. She is playing all her old games, I am so dense and trusting. She is horrible to me and her partner who adores her but tells her the truth and she doesn't like this. This is why she is reverting back to her old games. Her own Father taught her this divide and rule game very well. He plays all 3 of our adult kids even today. I will pray and hope for change. I will try hard not to allow this situation to continue. I need to get my life back you are right. Thank you again. Thank you so much.
     
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You're not naive or else we all are. None of us want to admit our adult kids are flawed and you seem to understand borderline, like I do. I had a horrible mother who loved to play divide and conquer and she did it well. She managed to tear up the entire family. Don't let your daughter do it. She can't play her games if nobody else plays with her.

    Your husband seriously should be first and foremost your husband. This daughter has a husband, who I sort of pity. For me (and I'm not saying it should be the same for you) if my husband played both sides, I would pack his bags. All of your daughters are adults and you two just have each other. This daughter is being cruel to you and hurting you. It should, in my opinion, be a no-brainer that he defend you to the max. Your daughter is probably very good at flirting with men a little, even him, and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee and defend his wife. Let her father play games. Don't involve yourself in any of them and do not listen to family gossip. It is lethal. Just say simply you have decided not to listen to family gossip and stick to it. Nothing good comes from families who talk about one another and spread gossip. Change the subject. Get off the phone. Make any excuse not to involve yourself in that.

    Yes, borderline has been shown to be partly inherited and you know first hand how vicious an untreated borderline will be. And they are never wrong. YOU are. And they want everyone else to agree with them or they will cut that person off. Let your smarter daughters draw their own conclusions about her, but enjoy them without your other daughter being an elephant in the room.

    And take hubby to task. He is making things worse. He didn't marry her, he married you. He should be on your side or else what kind of a husband is he? My husband gets furious if any of my kids are disrespectful to me or hurt me. That's what a loving husband is like. This daughter is not HIS daughter. He should talk to her like a husband, not like a pal. And I feel he should cut her off if she continues to treat you like dirt. There is no purpose to having contact other than allowing her to cause more drama. This for me would be a dealbreaker in the marriage. Again, you don't need to take it that far if you are ok with it, but I'm angry for you because of his ambivalence...he is prolonging the game.