What now - standoff

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Zardo, Jan 3, 2014.

  1. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    3 days until discharge and court - we have offered transitional living program for difficult child - he begs to come home - we said no - he originally defied saying he would rather have nothing than go - but later called and agreed to go - begrudgingly - now that he finds out that he would have to go straight from discharge he is refusing and saying he will just skip court and disappear - he has no where to go - no money - no phone - nothing - I'm scared - although I want him to go I don't want to push him to despair - this is the worst thing ever - if he follows through on his plan he will be arrested when they find him for skipping court and go to jail - he's 18 now so we're talking the real deal.....I don't know if I can do this and what the options are he is acting so irrationally and obviously so scared and angry
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Zardo.... I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong. You are taking the right stand and you know him coming home is going to not help him or you! How would he get to court? Can you set it up that the discharge plan is that he goes straight to court? Will you end up driving him to court? If so make sure you do not do it alone!

    Does he have a probation officer? Can somehow he come and take him to the court date?

    I think you need to stand firm as hard as it is.... once in court he will realize he has no option, especially if you tell the court he cant come home.

    That was our situation this past summer when my son was back, arrested and in drug court. We said clearly that he could not come and live at home, that we supported him... I was in court for every hearing... but he could not live at home. Yes he did spend time in jail waiting for a placement but eventually the court got him into a really good placement which hopefully is going to make a difference. I think if we had initially been willing for him to come home, the court might have allowed that but it would have been a disaster in the end I know.


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Like TL I've got questions, Zardo. The transition from discharge to court and then to placement should be handled back to back to back. At least where we live the "system" expedites the process. I understand your fears and pain as I've been there done that. Give us an update when you can and meanwhile I promise I'm sending hugs of support your way. DDD
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Zardo, he is making those threats to manipulate you into giving in and letting him come home. My daughter said unbelievable things about her halfway house to try to scare us into letting her come home. Looking back, I see the manipulation but at the time they scared me to death.

    He has a place to go . . . transitional living. So he is not going to be homeless. If he chooses to run, the consequences are harsh but so is overdosing on drugs. Nothing will change if you let him come back home. I think you know that.

    I am sending big hugs to your hurting heart.


  5. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    I don't know why they don't handle the transition seamlessly in my state but it seems they don't - it could be because he was charged as a juvenile and only recently turned 18- not sure - so I get him Monday morning - he has no plan - asked me to bring his cell so he can go to local wifi and figure out what to do - I will more because I need a way for him to reach out for he,p when he's ready - truth is I have no expectation that he will walk out from court once judge reads report and sees the plan we offered - problem is he already spoke to the programs we offered told them he won't commit to stay - doesn't want to be sober and won't work the 12 steps so he was not accepted but they will take another call from him when/ if he's ready
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring and supportive thoughts and hugs your way. I know that you belly is doing flip flops and you likely feel a stress headache coming on. Many of us who have been there done that have PTSD that sadly enables us to feel your pain on a very real basis. I'm sorry, Zardo. He's now a legal adult with over two years of SA history. Chances are it is going to take awhile for him to change his life. Protect your own health and know we will be here for you. DDD
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Many gentle HUGS
  8. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending good thoughts that he does the right thing Zardo.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I think as parents we ALWAYS have that desperate need to DO SOMETHING when our kid is on a risky path or in trouble. It's the most unsettling feeling in the world! Add our "difficult child parent radar" -- we always are trying to stay a step ahead of them - to that desperate need to do something (try anything!) to get through to them and it's a wonder that we're not bunked up together in an asylum!!

    I feel your anxiety. I wish I could take you to lunch and keep you busy to distract you from that awful feeling of anxious dread. I don't know that I cope well, but getting lost in a movie, a book, an ipad scrabble game (dozens back to back some days) taking a sleeping aide so I know I will sleep well that night seem to help or work to distract. So does a glass of wine (or 2) into the evening over a few hours but never 3 glasses because then the tears flow...

    Holding you close in my thoughts. Think I will light a candle for us all today, xo
  11. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Thanks for all of your well wishes and feedback - it's been a very rough day and it helps - I just wish the current program had done an evaluation and started medications - I was told they would but they side stepped the whole time - it's obvious it's needed - even his PO thought this program would be a waste without it - I tried multiple times to request but they seemed to not want to

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Brendan is advertising his services against site policy. The post has been reported.