I feel like she has a less than 50% chance of making it through this and that is devastating and consumed me.
You don't know that. You fear it. You don't know.
Look at all of the parents with thriving children who lose them just like that. There is no rhyme or reason sometimes to what happens in life.
I have to believe that my son will get better and make a life where he is protected and contented. If I don't believe that, how will I live?
What do I show and tell him about himself, if I fear he can't make it?
This would reinforce his fears and sense of unworthiness about himself. How could I not have faith?
Now. The truth is I have been very weak. I have been afraid. I exaggerate any vulnerability and dwell on it. But this is wrong of me. This is selfish.
I need to find strength in myself. And I need to live my own life not his. I can't stay in his life. I tried.
I lose myself. And I can't control my behavior vis a vis him. I try to control him. I become sad. This is wrong of me. I have realized it, finally.
I have to live in my own strength, and care for myself. This is the only way I can get through it. And if I can stay in my strength and care for myself, and not burden him with my own difficulty handling things, there is a far greater possibility that he will find his own strength and self-acceptance.
It's kind of hard to explain. I have a current thread (I have lots of threads!) If you read it, you would see how hard this is for me. Which is one reason I post so much on other peoples' threads. It's easier for me to be strong here, than in my real life. But by having a strong(er) voice on other people's threads, I grow stronger.
I suggest starting to post on others' threads, too. That is where you will get strong. Because there you will speak in your strong voice. You have a great deal to contribute. Nobody has this made in the shade. Nobody. We just do a little bit better, and keep going.
PS I don't mean to be mean, but to think that any comfort you have has anything to do with your granddaughter is magical thinking. If you are comfortable and safe, it will not take this away from her. Your distress is only that. Yours. Your suffering does not help her.
The reverse is true. Your well-being and your ability to be centered and stay strong can potentially help her. I believe that. I believe we can radiate well-being and confidence. She can absorb your strength, which is different than feeding on it. I am practicing being strong, forward thinking and contented in my life. I am convinced this will help my son. What other good choice is there?