My son who had been addicted for many years was falling deeper and deeper in the world of addicts. Meth and heroin were his drugs of choice. He started looking like the youths I would recognize on the streets as meth addicts - his once handsome face was gaunt and filled with oozing sores. The last time he lived with me he experienced psychosis and tried to kill me. I was deathly afraid of him. After his prison term I felt I was the one that remained in prison as both my partner and myself had security cameras, personal panic buttons and alarm system in our home. I was always looking over my shoulder as I knew he was angry I had him removed from our home which consisted of the swat team breaking down the door. Slowly over time I tried to initiate contact again by bringing food to the various places he lived. I wanted him to know I still cared about him and also wanted to lesson his anger towards me for having him arrested. The last sentence may be stupid but I never got over my fear of him , yet, despite this I had been able to go several years without contact. I struggled with my decision sometimes...didn't want to enable him but I needed to know he was still alive. He was living with his friend in a single room occupancy in the worse part of the city. A scary place where the streets are littered with tents, homeless people who were addicted or had mental health issues. Even in that area he was evicted from the place he was staying at. I would walk those streets many times in search for him - the need for me to find him alive was so strong. I know many of us on here are terrified of the fentanyl crisis in our cities. Mine being a port city - thus full of drugs - we have as many as 100 OD's per day. My son also doesn't have ID and my worst fear was that if something happened to him I may never find out. With the last eviction I put my son and his friend up in a hotel which lasted 6 wks until my cc over maxed. It was winter and he had no place to go although he insisted he could live in a tent. I realize I was enabling but again unable to possibly let him freeze outdoors especially since he was so addicted and wouldn't have made rational decisions. His friend who was younger was also on heroin and had a tragic life - his drug addict parents gave him heroin at age 14. So it was I now was looking after two addicts. After the hotel stay I purchased a old van ...yes again I was enabling but I was also doing it for myself as I would have a contact place to leave notes, food and check his existence from time to time. Both were living in the van where others like themselves had set up under a bridge in a seedy part of town. I took medical leave a few months ago as I was exhausted and becoming depressed as I knew he was now so far gone I had lost hope he would ever recover. He once went missing for days and even his friend didn't know what happened to him. We both searched until we found he had been picked up and kept in isolation at the jail as he was going through withdrawals and was dope sick. His name didn't make the police files. I had a slight glimmer of hope that perhaps the 7 days he was there was enough to make a difference for him to consider rehab again. Nope...he went back to drugs full force that I had now lost all hope. I felt he was going to die -he looked so bad. He did collapse on the street one night and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Serious sepsis in his leg, MRSA in the bone, and a gamut of other illnesses. He was in intensive care for 2 wks and acute care for 1 wk Now he's currently in a wheelchair for the next 6 wks and visits a medical facility daily for 3 hr treatments as well as a host of other appointments. Most importantly daily methadone which he's never been able to get up to a high enough dosage as he never kept up the daily visits and thus would top it off with street drugs. I do know he's still getting street drugs for pain but it's not heroin or meth. Luckily I had a place they can go stay just down the street from me and I take him to his appointments daily, and have had 2 sit down meals with him which I haven't been able to experience in over 10 years. It's not perfect ....it's only been 3 wks but so grateful I have this time with him as I really thought I was saying goodbye to him for the last time I saw him on the streets. I guess it's true....there is always hope. Thank you for listening.