When is enough, enough?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    It's been a few months...again....sometimes things move so fast I do not have the time or energy to even write about it but I am really reaching out again.

    So..I took all of your advice and we threw my son out that very weekend. It felt sad but also a relief. Of course we paid the deposit and a month up fronts rent and he blamed us for making him homeless when he didn't have a job. He did nothing for a bit and then his ex girlfriend had their baby. A month early. I cannot tell you what that first picture did to me. I didn't know how to feel. My drop out son of 20 and his drop out ex girlfriend had bought a beautiful, precious baby into this world. I drank too much and behaved like an idiot is the truth. I could not contain the mixture of feelings. Anyway, he is now 15 weeks old and I adore him!!

    My son has had a 'few' jobs since being in this place. I helped out with a bit of food a couple of times but he lives with his current girlfriend and she is a total mug so probably pays for most things. I suspect he just lost his most recent job which is the issue that has bought me here.

    My son and I have a very love/hate relationship but we try to work on it when we can. Right now, I feel nothing ...other than the occasional guilt that I should. If I go in my head I feel love for him and I feel sorry for him that he believes he has no one. Then I think about his actions. I get mixed up who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes I see his point. But then I don't.

    So.....my beautiful beautiful daughter has been having some problems. Depressed, anxious etc. Most recently she told me she had been hearing voices. We were already waiting for appointments with mental health services. I allowed her some time off school and she has just started seeing a private counsellor. I get a call only 10mins after I dropped her with the counsellor. He wants me to go back. I go back to be told that my daughter had taken drugs on the Saturday night and had had a psychotic episode (hence the voices). I am utterly heartbroken that she would do this and go down this path in light of everything. Long story short, she told me she had tried it three times and the other two occasions it helped her feel better. She also admitted to smoking cigarettes. Everyone that has previously read my story will understand how awful this will be after everything we have been through. I kept calm.
    My husband and I made it clear that drugs were not acceptable and we would support her mental health but not that and she would be treated the same as my son and asked to leave. I felt sick!

    Recently this week I had my grandson. The ex and I have a very on/off relationship and I tolerate her so I can see this baby. Anyway, she texted me, going mad saying my son was not to have his child on his own anymore and had i seen what he had posted. She then forwarded me a disgusting video of my son having a sex act performed on him. I cannot tell you how disgusting it was and to see that of your son. I tried to keep calm and told her it was his business at which point she went mental calling me stupid etc and demanded I took her baby back. My husband did. I was devastated. When I spoke to my son, he lied and said it was ages ago but i recognised his flooring of his new place, he also sounded intoxicated and I realised he was not at work. 10mins later, my daughter texts from school and asks if I am ok as my son had told her how upset I was. I was cross that my son had put this on her in light of where she was mentally so I asked him not to and he turned on me saying "your perfect daughter is not so perfect, maybe you should ask her about sending me money to get her weed". That moment when your heart is in your mouth along with bile.....
    I picked my daughter up after school and tried to hold it together before going mental!
    My son sent me the screen shot of their convo. saying "imagine having two f••k ups".

    On Fathers Day he messaged me saying "it would have been nice to have received a text from you wishing me a happy first fathers day, but then I would be naive to think you cared". I wrote back "it would be nice to have a son that didn't sell drugs to my daughter (his own sister) or help obtain them".
    His reply was to tell me that he knew about her episode and he offered to get her stuff so she was safe.

    Ok, someone please please help me out here....I was angry at them both...her, because she blames her mental health on all she has been exposed to by him and she knows the path he took, and him because he should have told her 'no' and advised her differently using his experiences to tell her it was the wrong path. I can't help but feel he would love her to mess up but yet I am torn as he loves her. I am so confused by all this.

    In short....I feel trapped with adoring my grandson but hating the life he is exposed to and wanting to save him. Loving my son, but hating what he has done to us and hating that all I feel is sick and anger when I think of him and that video and the drugs, and wanting to save my daughter from the same path without suffocating her...its all a total mess!!! ARGHHHHHH

    I am so sorry this is so long, so many stories in between all this.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Lost in Sadness

    I have only a minute to respond but wanted to say something. If I am direct, please forgive me.

    I suggest Al Anon or another 12 step group. I believe that all of us in this situation need to know how to make boundaries and when to do so. None of us can control or stop the bad behavior of our children or the people in their lives. But we can recognize when we are being hurt and we can limit how much bad behavior touches us.

    If your daughter is having psychotic episodes as a result of drug use, the problem is drug use, not mental illness, unless she is using drugs to self-medicate. In either case the drugs cause serious damage. At age 15, you still have significant control over the situation with her, but to try logic, or to ask her to see the situation rationally, will likely not be fruitful, if she is already making poor choices. Al Anon (and a therapist who specializes in addiction and/or adolescents) can help you respond. If daughter is already having psychotic symptoms she may already be farther along in this than you would like. If it were me this is the situation I would focus upon.

    The baby. First, congratulations on being a grandmother. But on one level this is a whole other heartache. Because the reality right now is you have little to no control over how much access you have to the baby or how the baby is cared for. As hard as it is right now I would try to focus on your daughter. With her situation you have both control and responsibility.

    Finally. I would not get into back and forth with your son about stuff like father's day. What does it get you?

    And the video. That is horrible. Is this person who sent it the baby's mother? Oh gee. You need to find a way to insulate yourself from somebody that would have such poor judgment and boundaries that they would expose you to something like that. And you need to find a way to NOT be exposed. Your son is living very badly. That does not mean that you need to experience it in the first row seat. But your son is an adult. His life is his to live. What can you do?

    Al Anon and therapy will help you find a way to protect yourself, and to prioritize, I think. And posting. If it were me I would (and did, and do) post every single day, on multiple threads. This is what helps us through this, and helps us learn.

    I am so very sorry how hard this is. Keep posting.
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    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Alanon YES!

    If son and mom are unfit to raise a child you may need to either do it if you can or call CPS and maybe another family member can. I feel he comes first, daughter second.Dont be ahy of CPS. Wish WE had called them sooner.Now our grandson is in danger and nobody ever reported his sorry parents and Iblame myself.

    Your son is dangerous for any of you, his son included. Stay away. Keep the daughter away too.
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  4. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Hi Copa and Busyn
    Thank you both so much for your replies. I really need to update my signature. My daughter is now 17, just. She is a good girl and I trust what she has told me. She had a few puffs of weed at a party and a few puffs one Saturday afternoon. This particular night she shared a whole joint where she had the episode. She heard voices following this and it really frightened her. For a few days she seemed to think this was the answer but the last couple of days she seems much more herself. We have drug tests at home and we intend to use them. She knows this. We have zero tolerance and she knows the consequences as she saw we did it with her brother. The last cigarette that was in her packet still sits in the packet and has done for 4 days now. She dumped the new boyfriend on Sunday. I believe it was because of his lifestyle choices including smoking weed. I think she she's sense. She does have depressive episodes and I think she thought weed would help. I'm on her trust me!!!! I refuse to be dragged down this path again.
    I know I need to step back on my grandson. I cannot control the situation but I love him so much. I feel sorry for him...its so sad. My son is a good dad to him to be fair but what a life with those two!! Seriously. The other week the police were called as the ex started hitting and punching him whilst he had the baby in his arms. I hate them for exposing an innocent child to this. She lives with her mum and stepdad still so they are around with the baby.

    As for the video. I cannot get this out of my head. I feel disgusted and I feel differently about my son. I am trying to work out why because at the end of the day he is 21 and sex is 'normal'. He just minimised it with "oh get over it, it was just a bl*w job for gods sake", but somehow I see it differently. Probably because the girl in the video was not his girlfriend!!!! More fool her because everyone knew about it! I got told about it from another mother too. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. xxx
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is an incident for CPS. I don't care whether she lives with her parents or not. Are you prepared to raise the baby?

    If that boyfriend gave your daughter the weed, who knows what was in it. That's scary. I am glad she seems to be waking up to the risks to her. If she has mental illness marijuana is dangerous. My son has depression and a brain injury and he uses marijuana. He has become seriously dependent. He cannot function with it.

    Remember this. There is NO reason to feel shame about the video. Your son did this. Not you. Let that go.
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    21 or not, I have two over 21 and even the difficult daughter never posted her having sex on FB. How many people ever do? It is part of his sickness, who he is. Even teens rarely post this on FB. Drugs yes. Them having sex, no.

    Your son is not right and should not raise any child or have contact with his sister. My daughter did things that are just as bad so I am judging. I just hope your grandson gets put into safe hands. My grandson is not in safe hands. His parents are scary and we are too old to try for custody.

    Your grandson will suffer with your son and his immature mother. Hopefully the grandparents of mom will take over responsibly. That is his only chance.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, LIS

    Forget about the video.

    If your grand’s mom wants to take your son to court and try to get his rights to his child severed on the basis of that Facebook post, that is her prerogative. Not your problem. None of his relationships are your problem.

    I would concentrate on your daughter and what is going on with her.
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I hope your daughter gets into counseling soon. I've never heard of pot making people hear voices. Hopefully, it scared her badly enough to never use drugs again. I think she definitely feels stressed and needs help.

    Enjoy the new grand baby.
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  9. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your replies. My daughter is in counselling, just started. I think the pot was strong stuff and she wasn't used to it. Yes, it scared her. I don't believe she will continue it as a life choice. She is a great athlete and will not want to jeopardise that. She has just bought herself a leather bound journal and the on the first page she has written "moving on". I am hopeful she is focusing on her needs now. Its been a stressful 4 years with my son and its taken its toll!
  10. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your reply. I do agree with you although if I feel my grandson is in danger I will be reporting them. I can't take any more problems on, simple. xx
  11. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I questioned my son as to why this video was ever posted and he said it was an accident. It was on snap chat. No idea how all that works, I don't use it! My guess was he was too intoxicated to know what he was doing! I do believe my son has some kind of 'sickness'. I'm not sure what though...but when I was logged on to his messenger for a while without him knowing he was constantly messaging random girls trying to get hook ups and this is whilst he is in a relationship! Its all terrifying and beyond anything I understand xx