Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Nov 4, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well i am worried about my son..... trying to find the balance between enabling and giving loving support and trying to remember that I have no control over him or what he does or his life!!

    I can tell from his FB posts he is ruminating over the loss of his girlfriend a year ago, sounds like she recently responded to an email from him and he is realizing he needs to let go (that is good) but it sounds like yesterday he was relapsing again. I think he has been up all night... I sent him a loving msg over FB which he read but did not respond to... and I sent him a text, again no response. All of which does not bode well.

    So I am cutting off funds..... and I am going to call my contact in the program he was in and let he know I am worried. I think that is all I can do.. I am going ff to play bridge this afternoon which is good for me.

    We are going to visit him next week.... I have been looking forward to the visit but now I am starting to dread it..... it wont be fun if he is drinking again... and/or kicked out of his sober house.

    Dang I just hate this roller coaster ride we are all on. It feels like it will never end.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and calming vibes. It's almost harder when they start going right and relapse...
  3. believe

    believe New Member

    Hi toughlovin.....oh how i HEAR every word you are saying....I had almost the exact same thing this past week with my 26 yr old son.....mine is a little different......I have already cut off all help in any way.....he is tested clean and is drug free ( so I'm told by my ex husband) ....but because of the disrespect he has been removed from both my home and now his dads so now MUST live on his own somehow/someway...it is completely 100% up to him now....he was in his car one night i think (not sure)...then, like you, I saw on fb that he had gone to a friends apt....and he too is very down about the loss of his girlfriend but what I have come to realize is that if it wasn't that loss it would be something else with him...another new reason not to work and become an adult....in my case i see that he tends to use these things as a crutch to need "help" from whoever will give it to him...I do not call him or text him...my sons (his brothers who are both older than him sat me down and said "mom you HAVE to let him go" and so I am letting go.....I do go on fb and see what he writes however i have chosen not to answer....I think in my case it is the better way...but i do believe that each one of our roads is individual....and we all must decide how to navigate it.....I just know that my son had been very successful in manipulating me so I am letting my older (and probably even wiser) sons lead this now....but toughlovin I HEAR everything you are saying because this stand I have taken does NOT mean that I don't cry buckets and worry everyday...but like you I am going about what I would normally do with my day...I just got back from the gym (something I enjoy) and my husband and I go to Florida for Jan and Feb every year and I have decided to go.....still my heart will be here praying everyday for my youngest son ......and yes I think the same thing...is there an end to this......chin up ...Believe
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh TL, I know those worry signs so well. I hope your visit goes well and he picks himself up and moves on.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Deep breaths and prayers. What a tough road we are all on. Letting go is almost as hard as not.
    You are not alone in this toughlovin. God help us all.....
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi again.... well I am still worried but he has been in touch which is good. He claims he did not start drinking and when he posts on FB it is a mixture of fantasy and reality which may be true. I really have no idea if he is drinking again or not..... he definitely seems to be having a hard time but of courrse it is hard when you have to face your feelings and past without using..... so I am hoping this is part of his process. I think I will get a better idea when we see him next week.
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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Baby steps, TL. Often it's two steps forward and one back. We have to look at the overall picture. He WILL take some steps back, it's part of finding his way. Staying in touch with you is definitely positive.

    Hope the visit goes well.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Prayers for a restful weekend and a good visit.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    True...of course he got in touch because he needed money!.... he talked to my husband who told he him he needed to email me so I wouldnt worry!! But yeah at least he did that. It is just so hard having him so far away because then I cant set my eyes on him and see for myself.... on the other hand at least this way I am not confronted all the time with his problems so him living here at home would be much worse.
  10. believe

    believe New Member

    I wish I could kick that "spying" on facebook habit to see what/how my son is doing......his post have really almost stopped except for a few here and there which i think is good and hopefully those empty hrs are filled with a JOB......since I've "let go" I still have all those wondering maternal thoughts ...how is eating...doing wash....money for gas to get work.....how is his mental state.....will he be able to keep his car and make the payment....and on and on....what did some of you do who have been at this "letting go" process longer...I have days of strength and days of wanting to send him money......strong days where my "stand" is firm and then days like today when my mind is worried and saying will he make it......but living with him is not happening...it almost took me out so I know that there just is no other way but for him to do this now.....this is so hard.....holding on today...my heart is with you TL and everyone else...hope and pray we all get relief from this one day and while we live it we manage it with strength...Believe
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Believe, not sure I've seen you post before. I admit I was addicted to reading my daughter's facebook and getting upset over everything I read and saw. It literally made me sick.
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I "unfriended" my two.

    They can see who visits their pages.

    Detachment is, as detachment does.........
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I don't have a facebook account for two reasons. One, I don't know if I would have the strength to keep myself from constantly checking my daughter's page to see what she was up to. Two, if she knew I had a facebook account and could see her page, she would use it to try to manipulate me.

    There is some truth to ignorance is bliss.

  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I do check FB a lot I admit. And at times I have had to really limit myself. However since my son has been doing better and been in treatment again it has also been good. He posts a lot and sometimes I get some real insight into where he is at, and sometimes he posts positive things. But I do need to keep perspective and remember that he exaggerates on FB and it may not be total reality (by his own admission).
  15. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    (((Hugs)))) Even when things seem to be going well, we spend so much time just waiting for the other shoe to drop...
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So true..... and I have had so many shoes drop it is a whole shoe store!!!
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    We know the feeling, TL.
  19. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    The knowing and not knowing. Not sure which is worse. I am praying for you and hoping your visit is positive. Hugs to you! You are awesome! Remember that.
  20. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member