Yeah, we finally gave up...it is what it is.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bart, Sep 23, 2017.

  1. Bart

    Bart So Much Fun-Not!

    After 10 years of trying to get him to grow up and act "normal" we finally gave up. It feels good to give up. He is pretty much insane. He is non violent so that's good. He lives at home and has gotten a small job sitting on a donation truck taking donations for 6 hours a day. He thinks that money is to be spent on him self for a new X-box, vapes, marijuana, whatever. He agrees to pay some of it on rent. He doesn't care the least bit about his 5 year old child whom I am raising. Baby mama is a heroin (+whatever else she can get) addict. Last night I blew my stack because I saw that he went in our bedroom and searched for the key to the safe where I keep his medications. He got the benadry out and took about 20 of them. Usually he steals his Adderall and takes about 5 at once. Then he took my debit card and drove to Wendy's at 3:30 to get a burger. We found my debit card on the driveway where he dropped it. He says it is his debit card too because his money is in my bank. Then he barged in to our bedroom to grab some toothpaste. I could tell he was on something because of his speech. So later in the day I went Ape :censored2: crazy on him and I slapped him. I told him the rules AGAIN!!! DO NOT go in our bedroom for any reason, do not take the car without permission, do not take ANYTHING out of my wallet. These are simple rules, also, DO NOT sleep ALL day, thats' another one. So the insane person can't obey these simple rules. I have applied for SSI for him through a lawyer. If we get it then maybe I can put him in a group home.

    So, yeah, I have finally just given up hope that a fairly normal person will emerge. It's not going to happen. But slapping him, no, that's not right. I am the calmest person ever and I NEVER do anything like that. I just don't get why he can't follow the simple rules.
     
  2. Bart

    Bart So Much Fun-Not!

    oh and P.S. I have 2 unbelievably great sons 24 and 26 who are thriving in the world. My first born is the crazy one (28). How did this happen?
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  3. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Oh my. My sympathies. Maybe you can get to the place that some others here seem to have gotten to. You gave him your heart You had the chance to do it for another human being. In him is the little person who made you smile and who smiled because of you. Nothing can take those memories away.

    It's not quite "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before." It's longer for us I think.

    Something like

    "it's better to have loved then with hope, to have memories now to love, to know you did everything out of love and will always love him, than never to have loved before."
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like drugs.

    Regardless, there is only so much a person can do for another. If love cured them, there would be no need for a forum. I am so sorry.
     
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Bart. I know his disregard of his son is extremely painful. We're here for you.
     
  6. Bart

    Bart So Much Fun-Not!

    thank you all so much! I think I blew up at him because I was mad at his disease. I didn't even see him, I saw his condition and I was SO mad that whatever it is took my son. I have to apologize to him when he gets home from work. I had so many hopes for this handsome, highly intelligent, extremely quick witted person. I have to let go of those hopes and embrace something else.
    God gave him to us because he wants us to care for him. He needs us.
    My husband is SO good with him. I am the one who can't really reach him on any level.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Bart, dont feel too guilty. Sometimes they need a reality check. Your son is an addict and that is an illness, yes, but he is a 28 year old man too and he has the ability to get help for himself so that he stops the behaviors that abuse you. He can agree to try to work hard to get well. If he refuses, that is on him.

    There is no excuse for him stealing from the hand that feeds him still and NOT feeling badly enough to get help. Addiction is not incurable, but the person has to want to quit.

    I am not saying slapping him is okay. I believe it was an fluke born out of years of frustration.

    I would focus on grandson. He is so little. Your son is a grown man. Dont see HIM as the little boy he once was. That cripples us. The truth is, only your son can heal himself. It is a path he must walk alone.

    Hugs to a heroic grandma!!!
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I would say your being very generous in allowing him to have a roof over his head at his age and how he is behaving. Don't be too hard on yourself. I loose my poop like no other when it comes to the AS/Difficult Child.
     
  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    X-Box and pot are motivation killers.
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    So sad.

    Some thoughts...either now if at all possible or asap he needs to get out of your house.
    While on ssi you can earn PT income. Might be wise to make sure he is not exceeding that currently.
    Ask the attorney.
    He might need to reduce his hours.
    It would be a good deal if he could get ssi and still work at that place very PT. At least he would have health insurance.

    in my humble opinion, if he stays in your home for the time being, sadly your home should be like Fort Knox.

    I would give him fair warning that if he steels from you again you will call the police and then do so.

    If you are not going do already, consider seeing a therapist at least for short term therapy.

    Maybe this is kind of like "giving up" or maybe it's just facing reality.

    Enough is enough. Help your grandchild and protect yourself.
     
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    It sounds like your son has given up, not just you.
     
  12. Bart

    Bart So Much Fun-Not!

    As far as therapy goes, he has been to the mental hospital 4 times, lots of therapists, psychiatrists, counseling, Electro convulsive therapy (9 treatments). His regular doctor knows he is crazy and he prescribes the medications. Psychiatrist can't help because he lies to them. Regular doctor has his number dialed!
    The grandson is so adorable. I love him to the moon and back!
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What did they say is wrong with him?

    With what Son does, how can you safely take care of him? Your grandson needs you. He needs to be safe. You do too.

    If son is on SSDI or SSI he can actually make $1100 a month to supplement his SSDI. I am sure each state is different...so check. Most people on SSDI or SSI that I know do work. The extra money helps. You also get Medicare and Medicaid with SSDI or SSI. Unless you are his guardian, he needs to be the one who applies for it.

    With Disability (SSI or SSDI, whichever he qualifies for) comes a case manager who can help with everything, including out of your home living arrangements. He probably should not live with you or have any access to your home. There are group homed for the mentally ill.

    Wishing you so much luck!!