8 year old daughter kissing her girlfriend?????

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by saving grace, Jan 26, 2011.

  1. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    This is a new forum for me.. I am usually in Teens or Emeritus..

    My 8 year old daughter who in my eyes is perfect in every way had a playdate today with her friend who lives across the street. She seemed more eager than normal to have her over today. I went upstairs to check on them and the door was closed, I tried to open it and her little toy table was pushed against the door, when I got the door open they were in her bed under the covers with an uh oh look on their face. I questioned them, they said they were playing a game and having a secret meeting. I questioned some more just because I wasnt buying it. I said play a different game, I am uncomfortable with this game. I left the room and they were whispering, I said leave the door open and play another game. after some thought and the nagging that they lied, I took my daughter aside and questioned her again, I knew by the look on her face that she was lying so I pushed. she admitted that they were kissing!! I asked where and she said on the face. she said she doesnt know why they did or or why they started it but she suggested it and they just did it. she did say they did it once before. I am sick to my stomach over this. I dont know what to do, I think she is lying, I need an explanation as to WHY she wanted to play this game. why with a girl? she knew it was wrong because she pushed the table in front of the door so she wouldnt get caught?

    what do I do here? I did callt he girls mother and told her as well.
    I keep imagining them kissing each other its so flippin creepy!! and disturbing to me. am I over reacting to this?
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I don't think you are overreacting. How did the other mom respond?

    This is inappropriate behavior for kids that age. You would have the same response if it was a boy kissing in the same manner. Talk to her about the behavior - it would be wrong with anyone - boy or girl.

    It is not unusual for kids to experiment but that does not make it o.k. to do so. I would have a calm discussion with her about the time and place for physical display of emotions. What is proper and not proper at her age.

    Unfortunately, kids tease each other about kissing at a younger and younger age. I am sure she heard stuff at school and wanted to see what it was about. Also, what t.v. shows has she been watching? Sometimes we ignore things not really knowing that kids are tuning into. Kids really do believe that everyone else is doing such things so what is it about? She asked her close friend to help her figure it out.

    Assure her that not everything she hears is correct. Ask her what questions she may have about it.

    You did do the right thing about not kicking the other girl out. Asking them to play a different game with the door open was the right thing to do.
  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I agree with Andy's comments. What also crossed my mind is that kids' bodies and minds have an awareness of sexual pleasure at ages when they don't know anything whatsoever about sex. While that most often doesn't go beyond solitary exploration, I could see it crossing that line sometimes at younger ages.

    Personally to be on the safe side, I probably wouldn't be leaving them unsupervised for play right now. While we'd hope and pray all that was going on was innocent childhood exploration, we're also aware that children who have been molested may engage in sexual acting out with other kids.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do not think you are over reacting - but you have to be careful how you handle this. You do not want her to feel 'dirty' because of this choice. You should focus on the fact that she was trying to hide if from you. I also would be concerned that someone else has kissed her and now she is playing that game with this friend, too.
    I think some curiosity is normal, but this level of secrecy is scary to me.
  5. multidbzrocks

    multidbzrocks New Member

    well i hope your not just mad at her for being interested in girls? but no your not over reacting she could simply be expierimenting like just doing it to see what its like and her best friend just probably was the person she felt most comfortable doing it with and she probably blocked the door because she was most likely embarrased about it it doesent mean shes just into girls i mean in her mind she doesent really understand the whole straight or gay thing and she could of saw girls kissing on the tv and that might have givin her the idea to try it. just calmly talk to her about how its ok to hang out with her but not to play games like that but DONT Yell at her she probably doesent understand why kissing her friend was a bad thing.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Seems this is my day for true confessions: (I did it on another thread about a moldy cake pan I found...sigh)

    When I was very young a girl friend told me about sex. I was shocked. We were still in pretend, play with dolls, make stores to sell things, have post offices, etc. stages of life. We then went on to play we were married. we never did anything actually similating making babies....dont think I really knew how it worked fully at that time, but we did kiss and touch. We were not interested in eachother in any way. It was pure curiousity and we both grew up fine. Muiti-I doubt this is about who she is with or gender, I suspect it is the act at her age and the secrecy. I may be wrong, but I am not hearing that.

    I think what I was missing at that age was knowing about boundaries and total freedom to ask my questions too. We snuck because those topics were not openly discussed (an appropriate time and place is needed of course, but there should be that) and back in my generation, that wasn't so common.

    I agree to be careful about shaming words, not that you would intentionally do that. What do you think about putting the focus on asking if she is curious about any of it? Remind her that you are a good source of information and it is just not appropriate to do x, y, z with people at her age. All the safety boundary talk you ahve probably already done probably wouldn't have applied to this situation in her mind. It will need a new slant.

    I grew up Catholic and actually confessed what my friend and I did. i felt it was a sin. (not really interested to hear if anyone here thinks it was, ok?) That priest made me feel like dirt. He said God would not forgive me and he would not give me any way to make up for it until I told my mom and dad. Now, his intentions were probably just to do that...make sure my parents could guide me, but how he did it...wow.

    I think it is a blessing you found out. She will have your guidance.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would have also been alarmed and am not sure what I would have done. Does your daughter see a therapist? If so, that may be the place to address it.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You said this is your easy child, right???? no issues other than typical stuff right? (of course, I am sure as a mom you will be asking of she has been touched by anyone etc... (I just had to go thru this, there was inappropriate talk and actions--faking sounds and pantomime stuff showing Q how a girl's boobs are touched, it is uncomfortable but I just asked casually) ...... that is a possibility, but no need to panic yet if you are seeing nothing else... it could be normal exploration)
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Now, honestly? I wouldn't freak out too much. If it were a male, you'd probably be upset to be sure, but I think the huge freak out is it being a girl. I'm not saying it's right or wrong.......but experimentation iitself is normal. And I'm thinking these two girls are close friends. Both probably curious about all this boyfriend/girlfriend stuff and what kissing ect is all about. Sort of wanting to know what all the fuss is about. Now who safer to experiment with than a close friend?

    I'll tell you I was older when I had an experience that freaked me out. I was 12 and having my first sleep over with a girl I'd been close friends with since kindergarden. She proposed the kissing experiment that night. I mean it wasn't like we'd ever tell anyone. And it wasn't like we'd make fun of each other. Nor would either of us get into trouble for "kissing a boy" because we weren't kissing a boy. I didn't mind trying it out..........but my friend was all in for practicing and well uh, I told her no thanks that was a bit much for me.

    We never did it again nor did we ever mention it.

    But that can be "kid logic" for ya.

    I think I'd sit down and calmly talk to her about it, maybe answer any questions she has, then explain that at her age any kissing of either girls or boys is inappropriate. One only gets one childhood and she strive to make it last as long as possible. Then I'd keep an eye out for any red flags that indicate you may need to take her to talk to someone.

    I would be careful not to over react, very careful. One it makes them wonder that there must be more to it or why would the grown ups be upset or two you risk implanting an issue in her head over it.

    I've watched a ton of kids over the years, plus raised my own, came from a huge family. I see this as more an opportunity to teach than to be upset about.

  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am more in line with Lisa here. I dont think this is something to get truly all up in a panic over. It happens far more than people want to admit. If you dont make a huge deal out of it and scare her to death you have a golden opportunity to get closer to her and be the one who she can come to with questions she has about sex. And she will have plenty of them. If you make her ashamed of this incident and she feels you think she is dirty and wrong, then she is just going to hide everything from you.

    Lots of girls do experiment with a close friend. It doesnt mean they are gay or bi or anything. It normally doesnt go beyond kissing or giggling or even just talking about things or pretending. They have tons of questions about their bodies and they are going through these things together. It really makes sense if you think about it from their perspective.
  11. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    FYI--This is a thread started in January 2011.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    lol! I didn't even look, just saw the last post--the one from today--- and got sucked in....tee hee..

    well, I sure would love to know how that all turned out, tee hee...

    any way to put a warning on posts over two weeks old? or a way to lock threads over a certain time line....or to color code a new post date when it is so far off from the original to final consistent posting dates?

    Just curious. It is still good to think about, but feels like some energy that could have been put elsewhere if I had just paid attention better....teehee
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmm. Didn't notice the start date until you mentioned it SRL lol I don't pay much attention to such things.