...and it all falls apart.
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hello all. Been away for awhile, trying to reinvent myself in this whole new way of living and being......since hubs passed.
And it all falls apart......just may be the step to it all falling together.
Lil and Jab, I am sorry about this latest dilemma, there seems to be no end to the troubles our d cs face.
I can't help but think that this may be an answer for your son to really examine his life choices and the peers he has surrounded himself with. J has shown himself to be a nightmare of the worst kind. A few months back, your son was incredibly loyal to his "friend". It is a sad fact in life that there are people out there who will take our best intentions and turn it all around to use and abuse our kindness.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and best wishes to your son to get a fresh start. The greatest thing about life is that we all have an opportunity to redirect our hearts and minds to learn and grow and build a better life for ourselves. Every second of every day is a precious gift. Though life is fraught with challenges and ups and downs we all have a chance to rise above, spread our wings and soar. It is my hope that your son realizes his potential, value and worth, chooses new friends wisely, and takes this opportunity to reach his goals.
He can do this.
Much aloha,
Leafy
And it all falls apart......just may be the step to it all falling together.
Lil and Jab, I am sorry about this latest dilemma, there seems to be no end to the troubles our d cs face.
I can't help but think that this may be an answer for your son to really examine his life choices and the peers he has surrounded himself with. J has shown himself to be a nightmare of the worst kind. A few months back, your son was incredibly loyal to his "friend". It is a sad fact in life that there are people out there who will take our best intentions and turn it all around to use and abuse our kindness.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and best wishes to your son to get a fresh start. The greatest thing about life is that we all have an opportunity to redirect our hearts and minds to learn and grow and build a better life for ourselves. Every second of every day is a precious gift. Though life is fraught with challenges and ups and downs we all have a chance to rise above, spread our wings and soar. It is my hope that your son realizes his potential, value and worth, chooses new friends wisely, and takes this opportunity to reach his goals.
He can do this.
Much aloha,
Leafy
Kalahou
Well-Known Member
Mahalo for this great reminder, Leaf
In life, what appears to be the end can really be a new beginning...
A new day ~
Lil
Well-Known Member
That actually was a different "friend"; the one that was supposed to go to Colorado with him, not J. But really, I don't have a lot of love for that one either.
Thank you Leafy.
Our son said something about, "a fresh start, where no one knows him and he can be exactly who he wants to be instead of who all these other people want him to be" or words to that effect. That's a good attitude. I hope he can see this as an adventure, with a purpose. He has to be expecting hard times so he doesn't fall apart when he runs out of money for hotels and such.
I worry. I worry that he'll be taken in by someone offering "cheap rent for chores" who'll make him a virtual slave or get him into something illegal. I worry that he'll not find work and will end up in the gutter somewhere. I worry that he'll call constantly, wanting, wanting, wanting - until I lose my damn mind.
I have to stop. I have to stop Googling homeless shelters and soup kitchens and crisis centers and hostels and apartments and jobs. I just have to STOP.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I would and have done the exact same thing. The only thing it accomplished was it kept the worry going on an endless loop. My son is in a better place for this exact moment in time. That's all we get. This one miniscule moment in time.
I will add my prayers for your hurting mommy heart and for your son's safety and growth.
I will add my prayers for your hurting mommy heart and for your son's safety and growth.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Moving was the only way my daughter could dump her drug buddies. Druggies have a way of not leaving you alone if you try to quit. She did have a place to go and got a job...but she had no friends until she met her boyfriend many months later. But there is no way she could have changed so much if she had stayed here.
I hope the same happens for your son, although I'm not sure why he wants to go so far away. My daughter was in the next state and lived in Goneboys basement. He was like a dictator, but at least she knew him.
Lots of luck to all.
I hope the same happens for your son, although I'm not sure why he wants to go so far away. My daughter was in the next state and lived in Goneboys basement. He was like a dictator, but at least she knew him.
Lots of luck to all.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Colorado??? Legalized marijuana??? In the immortal words of Stan Lee, "Nuff said"
Snow White
On the Mad Tea Party Ride
I know exactly how you feel, Lil. Just saw on Difficult Child's FB page that she is planning a cycling venture from Thailand to Vietnam. So, instead of enjoying my evening with hubby, I'm looking up the cycling route she might be travelling, looking up hostels, etc. It's like an addiction. I just took a break to read the latest posts here. Closed my Google window. Not doing any more searches!!!
Hugs and prayers for you. Hopefully, our Difficult Child's stay safe and figure their life out.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Oh. That. I had no idea he was going there.
Well, at least he can't get into legal trouble for pot there.
I guess I missed the Colorado part.
Well, at least he can't get into legal trouble for pot there.
I guess I missed the Colorado part.
I am sorry this other kid is such a jerk. Though sometimes a taste of your own medicine, nasty though that taste it, is just what you need. Next time he pulls this sort of thing on you, Lil, tell him to stop acting like J. Ask him if he liked how it felt, and how dare he make you endure this.
I truly hope he intends to clean up all of his messes and pack ALL of his stuff before he leaves. I do know that my own mother calmly asking my brother where he intended to put all of his stuff for storage stopped a LOT of bro's more stupid plans (like walking to Washington - either one from our home, really,- on 3 days notice. Let him know how much you will and won't store, and if he leaves stuff behind, you will do X or Y with it. My mother planned to hold a yard sale for the nicer stuff and to NOT give the $ to bro. I doubt she would have done it, but he didn't. He got it out before he actually did leave, which saved her weeks of work.
I truly hope he intends to clean up all of his messes and pack ALL of his stuff before he leaves. I do know that my own mother calmly asking my brother where he intended to put all of his stuff for storage stopped a LOT of bro's more stupid plans (like walking to Washington - either one from our home, really,- on 3 days notice. Let him know how much you will and won't store, and if he leaves stuff behind, you will do X or Y with it. My mother planned to hold a yard sale for the nicer stuff and to NOT give the $ to bro. I doubt she would have done it, but he didn't. He got it out before he actually did leave, which saved her weeks of work.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
He honestly doesn't have that much to pack up. Besides his cloths, there are just a few things from the apartment most of which we gave to him in the first place. Its a good idea though. We should talk to him about it tonight.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Almost forgot the new twist. The girl who dumped him two weeks ago and started his downward plunge? Sorry, can't see what happened over the last couple of weeks as a spiral. Anyway, she was at our house yesterday afternoon hanging out with our son. After she left, he started talking about second guessing his plan. Gotta make you wonder how much of this was prompted by her instead of J.
They will be hanging out before he leaves on Thursday. He's been informed that he WILL be on the
list if he bails on this and we have to eat $160. Add to this the fact that the entire time he's been at our house he's only barely stuck to our agreement. He was told that if he took the money and spent it then he would have to leave and had already been given a deadline of October 31st. As there is realistically no way for him to get employment, save up the money he needs, and find an apartment in that time, giving him one more month seems fairly pointless.
They will be hanging out before he leaves on Thursday. He's been informed that he WILL be on the
list if he bails on this and we have to eat $160. Add to this the fact that the entire time he's been at our house he's only barely stuck to our agreement. He was told that if he took the money and spent it then he would have to leave and had already been given a deadline of October 31st. As there is realistically no way for him to get employment, save up the money he needs, and find an apartment in that time, giving him one more month seems fairly pointless.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Going to be talking about a lot of things.
I was just typing what Jabber did before his post popped up. At this point, he has no job and he can go to a new state and be homeless - with $600 - or he can stay here and be homeless - with $460 (I won't charge him the extra I took it on myself to pay for travel insurance in case he gets his backpack stolen on the way). But he gets out either way. He made his bed. (Not literally - I'll be burning his filthy sheets he hasn't changed since April.)
I MIGHT be able to change the ticket to a credit - I KNOW I can't refund it - and Jabber and I could take the Octoberfest trip on Amtrack - LOL. But I'd have to do it TODAY. So if he's changing his damn mind he better do it FAST.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
He stole from us previously but not this time that we're aware of. And yes, he still had a time frame that we were working from. While he still had his job we gave him enough time to build up the money for first and last months rent but there were conditions. When we felt he had built up enough money we gave him a deadline of no later than October 31 but he no longer has a job and has spent about a quarter of what he had built up. Because he violated this condition, IF he doesn't go to Colorado we still plan to put him out. We're willing to help when he is trying but he's only barely been trying all along. He chose to break the agreement so he must leave, one way or the other. Did that answer your question?
Lil
Well-Known Member
Well that's hard to say Dad. We put him out originally when he was 18 or so. The short story was that he stole and pawned things and smoked a lot of pot and had melt-downs and left school - graduated because he had enough credits - but was out early. Even after we discovered the thefts, we sent him to college and he sold everything of value we gave him and never attended classes - about $10K of our money down the drain. Even then we took him back in and at that point we told him that if ANYTHING was stolen, he was out. He stole. He was out. We never let him come back until the apartment fire.
Oddly, he seems to think he's been kicked out multiple times, but it was only the one. He was out a few days here and there before that, but it was always his choice to go.
So...clearly we didn't kick him out for anything else. Would we have? Eventually? Maybe.
His coming back this time was dependent on him maintaining employment and saving money to get back out. But we also had other requirements. He was supposed to go to therapy. He hasn't. He was to NOT have these awful meltdowns - he has. After the last one, we told him, "You have enough money. You need to look for a place and be out by the end of October." He said he had a place and took the money he'd saved to pay the deposits, etc. He was warned that if he took the money, he was out. It was saved or spent on housing. Anything else, and he'd be out. In fact, I told him that the day he took it...if he didn't pay a deposit and rent with it, I better have $850 handed back to me, or he would be out.
So...even if he decides not to go to Colorado, he's going to have to move out. There's been no stealing this time, but he has to live by the rules or go. Those are his choices to make. By spending $200 of the $850, he made that choice.
I'm going to throw in here that even now we paid for his train ticket. He did not expect us to, in fact told me not pick an expensive train because he needed as much money as he could keep. So we're still giving him assistance, after everything.
Lil
Well-Known Member
That's very hard to say since that was the reason. If he wasn't working and was just smoking pot and being a bum and messing up the house and screaming at us, etc., it probably would have come to that. Broke my heart when we did it, because he'd actually been doing pretty good until that happened, though he had quit his job then too shortly before we discovered the theft.
I think it's safe to say we'd have given him some more time to get himself together, had we not discovered the theft.
