As expected, it's getting worse

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Aug 25, 2017.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    So, I have held my ground by not allowing my 37 year old, borderline daughter to move in with us with her two children after she chose to be in another awful relationship and we have resuced her for over a decade. This time we bought her a car, provided money for two months rent, and offered to help with treatment, but she thinks she has no problem.

    My husband, her step dad, has been handling things, and I have kept my distance after continuous verbal attacks. She has a temporary place, but has no money left, no child support, etc.

    She will not allow me to see my grandchildren. She has been trying to sell a car of hers in bad shape that is one our property, so her children were on the front lawn. She came over to tell me that I am a disgusting, horrible person, and that when I die, she'll dance on my grave. She said she hasn't eaten for a day and a half, has no money, and on and on. Said as soon as car is sold, I will never see my grandchildren again. The children heard everything as well as the cable guy who was fixing our tv. She said I was inhumane not to take her in. Then she started telling the cable guy a bunch of lies about me. When he came into the house to finish the job, and I told him what was going on, he said, "I think you're doing the right thing, and I can tell you're a good person." I needed that in the moment.

    I don't want her to suffer, but her problem isn't homelessness - her problem is her continued insistence on doing things her way then expecting to be rescued, her sense of entitlement, her verbal abuse and lack of gratititude, her involving her children in conflict, and on, and on.

    I am kind of shell-shocked, though not surprised. Just tired, and so very sad.
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  2. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    Isn't that the truth in a nutshell? The cable guy can see it. Most everyone can see what is going on except we parents who ARE being gaslighted.

    My Difficult Child is 36. Thankfully, we have no grandkids; that makes it worlds easier. Grandkids or no grandkids, this is gaslighting. It is time to walk away, stop helping, and let her come to grips. (In my opinion. We no longer help our Difficult Child. We see no improvement, but our lives certainly contain more joy.)

    I'd listen to the cable guy. Seriously. Sometimes we cannot see the forest for the trees.

    What you have been doing is not working. I know that route all too well.

    More hugs,
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Acacia, I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts and you certainly didn't deserve any of that treatment.

    Your daughter's response, as you know, is remarkably typical of many of our adult troubled kids. Once we stop, they often start the attacks, the blame, the public shaming of us......just like a toddler who has a temper tantrum.....they can continue this for years, as Seeking Strength can attest to. It is horrific to go thru it especially in front of children. How awful for all of you.

    I understand that feeling of being "shell shocked"........stay the course, keep posting, keep yourself very well supported, do kind, nurturing things for yourself, breathe're not alone......boy do we get it.....sending you more hugs.....
  4. seek

    seek Member

    You definitely do not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully. I hope you can find a way not to take it personally (ala The Four Agreements) - her stuff is about her, not you.

    It must be so difficult regarding the grandkids - I am working on seeing everyone on their own, deliberate path (no victims). It's hard to apply that to kids, but it is such a helpful philosophy.
  5. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone.
    Not familiar with the four agreements, so I will look that up.
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Tired and sad sound oh so familiar. You are doing the right thing. It just sucks because it is so very very hard to do the right thing.

    Stay strong her help and support. I am so pleased you did not give in to her manipulation and bullying.

    It is so very hard I am sure with the grandchildren being caught up in all of this. I feel fo you and for them. :staystrong:
  7. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Larry the Cable Guy speaks the truth!

    Seriously, all the helping, giving them another chance, getting them back on their feet - it just allows them to start the whole cycle of bad choices over again and leaves us dealing with the wreckage they leave behind. It's time to get off the crazy train. Stay strong.

    I know exactly what you're talking about, and am dealing with the same thing myself. They don't want our advice about anything, but they want us to clean up their messes that we could see coming a mile away. Listen to Larry the Cable Guy, he speaks wisely.
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  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that your grandchildren had to see that Acacia. I'm sorry that your daughter blames you for all her problems. Stay strong.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry you have to endure this abuse also. I feel very sorry for her children. They are innocent in this.

    My son is 22 but I am so sick of dealing with this addiction and his poor choices and it's only been 6 years. I cannot imagine if he were in his 30's doing this.

    Stay strong. Prayers for your strength and peace.
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You bought her a car and paid two months rent! In two months, she could have found work and been earning money, gotten services for single parents, gotten state assistance (TANF, SNAP, etc.), found food pantries and shelters...she could have done something to better her situation!

    The cable guy is wise. Listen to him.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that and your grandchildren had to witness it.
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  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you!! So sorry that she keeps insisting that you support her and her kids. Really sorry the kids had to witness and hear her ugliness.
    How nice the cable guy validated you. Yes, sometimes we really need those moments.

    As for her comment about dancing on your grave is just beyond hurtful, it's just downright mean.

    My son has told me before that he wished I were dead. I replied to him "well at least then you can't beg me for money" One of the few times he had no response.o_O

    Hang in there, you are doing great!!!
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  12. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I am very appreciative of the support. I am keeping my boundaries on the outside, but I am bundle of nerves on the inside. I wish were the type of person who could get angry instead of scared and sad.

    Logic doesn't work; I know I didn't create her circumstances, but I also know that because of her mental illness she will blame me no matter what happens. If she loses her children because of her choices, we will never have a relationship again. I can live with that. Who I feel for is my grandchildren. LIving in the same town makes it especially hard.

    Thanks again for the collective wisdom.
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