Boy/girl sleepovers

[ThreeShadows]

I always assume that I'm in another century when it comes to morals and education because I was raised in an other country and I am way older than other moms. The girl who had difficult child 2 by the you-know-whats had her aunt call me to ask why I wouldn't allow them to date (he was 16, she 14). I kept on saying "oral sex isn't dating!" She didn't seem to understand my point....I knew about the oral sex because she put it out there on the internet!!! There were certain places where this occurred AT SCHOOL. I think I am from an other planet, this aunt was a nurse.

 

[trinityroyal]

Sue, throw my vote in the pile! I don't think you're being a dinosaur, or unreasonable.

I also agree that taking someone in when they have nowhere else to go is a whole different ball of wax from having a boyfriend or girlfriend stay over...um...just for fun.

My difficult child-brother used to have his GFs stay over all the time from when he was about 14. Sometimes I would come home from dance classes or whatever to find them IN MY BED!!! My difficult child-parents did nothing about it. They thought it was "cute", so I was left to deal with it myself (I used to just heave up the mattress and dump them onto the floor, say GET OUT, and then change the sheets, but YEESH!)

We were allowed to go away for long weekends at friends' cottages, have big parties when difficult child-parents were out of town, and pretty-much run loose all the time. I can't tell you how many "sleepovers" took place in my parents' basement, but no one was making any efforts to control their hormones. I often got in my car and took off to the 24-hour diner downtown, just to get away from it.

So, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Trinity

 

[trinityroyal]

And EW, on behalf of little sisters everywhere, thanks for keeping a tight rein on Josh to allow Tripp and Jana not to be exposed to such things.

 

[timer lady]

Sorry, Sue ~ I can't even touch this subject & stay sane. Respite house is pushing for boy/girl weekends. What are these people thinking?

Put it out of your head. You're just the "uncool" mom like the majority of the mom's here.

 

[Kjs]

I would allow difficult child to have the neighbor girl over. NOT in the same room, or even same area for sleeping. Such as both sleeping in the living room after watching movies. NO. We would be there also. They grew up together. Since they were six weeks old. Best Friends. More like brother/sister.

I can ask difficult child if he thinks she is pretty (now at age 14.5) and he'll say "mom...it's xxxx - gross".

difficult child has a lot of friends that are girls that he may hang out with. Neither their parents or us would allow a sleep over.

 

[lizanne2]

Wow, I just had this come up at my house. And I let my difficult child son go to a boy girl sleep over. It was against what I always thought but in this cse it was fine. I talked with the parent and truly believed in this group of kids. They had just neen thdough a grueling production of Into the Woods. There were straight and gay students attending so sleeping arrangements would have been challenging.

So why must they all sleep over.... well, there was a certian comraderie and acceptance with this cast that was well rewarded by this event. It was well supervised and very positive.

My difficult child understands that this was a one time event NOT to be duplicated for PROM.

This was one of the hardest 'compromises" I have made. But as difficult child said- He is learning has is back.

 

[eekysign]

boyfriend/girlfriend, no, never - my parents would NEVER have gone along with that.

But mixed-group sleepovers, even as small as two gals and a guy, were totally fine. My parents trusted me well enough for that. I also had a LOT of guys in my friend group, so any sleepover as all-girls would have felt very weird and half-filled. The worst we ever got up to was snowball fights in my friend's hottub, or dog-piling on a couch to watch TV. We were always more like puppies than teens.

 

[DammitJanet]

Eeky...that sounds like Jamies apartment after her threw out wife number one when he was in the marines. I would arrive for a visit and find all these 18,19 and 20 year olds just plopped everywhere like rag dolls all over his apartment. They could be sleeping, watching tv or playing video games. They came and went at will. His door was never locked and I still dont know who actually lived there...lol. I was just MOM. They would just slide over and make room for me on the sofa. Gosh I loved those days.

 

[AnnieO]

What kind of dinosaur? 'Cause if you are one, I'm a Triceratops!

Seriously. That's insane. My parents would have killed me for even asking. Yes, I snuck around behind their backs, but a sleepover with a boy? HA. When I moved out of their house with my then-fiance, they let him stay for a week - on the living room couch. And I did not get up and go out there, and he did not come in my room. I was 21 at the time.

My first H never stayed over at my parents'. Ever. And so far, husband hasn't either, because our home is close enough (30 minutes away) to go home.

After catching difficult child 1 and her boyfriend in the act at 6 PM... I know that teens will go to great lengths to do what they want. Not in my house, though. If she has friends over - even the next door neighbors who are PETRIFIED of me and husband - they are in the living room, family room, kitchen or outside - with supervision. I won't go THERE again. The only opposite-sex person allowed is their sibling.

That said, a lot of times we'll do the family thing. difficult child 1 has a friend whose little brother is a friend of difficult child 2. So both of them will come over & we have a monster sleepover. However they're far enough apart in age they want nothing to do with the others - so we have girls downstairs, boys up or the reverse. But THAT'S IT.

Hello, my name is "Cera" and I'm a dinosaur...

 

[Fran]

I think we are covering two different topics.
Boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers aren't allowed. Group sleepovers were.
If either had a significant other, there would be no cohabitating.

Friends who hang out are encouraged and welcome to stay safe and be at our home. We have taken 2 girls/2 boys on vacation. Neither were dating each other. It's just not an issue.

Most of us would agree that we snuck around behind our parents but again we have to differentiate between friends hanging out and sexually attracted teens looking for a nest.

 

[DammitJanet]

Step2....I had to laugh at your reply. Under your logic, me and my SO would never be allowed to sleep at my father's house because even though we have been together for almost 26 years we have never tied the knot. Actually my dad started dating my step-mom the same year I met my SO and married my step-mom the year I had my middle son. They have been married one year less than I lived with my SO. They will be married 25 years on 4/30 and I will have lived with SO 26 years on 7/15.

I honestly cant remember if I have had "relations" at my dad's house. I dont think so but maybe. Its hard to remember all those many years...lol. I dont think he would have cared. Everyone considers us a couple. We are as committed as we can be. We share two kids biologically and one he inherited.

 

[slsh]

Thanks for the validation! Again, I'm not talking 20-somethings here, but teens - 16, 17, 18. Still in HS. difficult children to boot.

I have no control over what other people allow to go on in their homes, and I have no control over difficult child's choices since he's an "adult" now. I kept my mouth shut (and have been for months). I did adamantly refuse to allow him to bring one of his girlfriend's home for an overnighter. My house, my rules, I'm not apologizing.

I really do remember being a teen and I have no illusions about difficult child's activities. But it's one thing to advocate safety and responsibility, and a whole 'nother thing to allow HS-ers to cohabitate in my home. in my humble opinion. Heck, I had to be creative back in the stone ages; why take that growth experience away from difficult child???

I just thought maybe I had missed something - I used to think I was on the liberal side of things, LOL.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Wow, this came up last fall. I very firmly said the ONLY time that this event was even possible was after prom. Otherwise not so much.

And Janet my mom is adamant that if there isn't a marriage you don't sleep together in her home. When I was with husband before we married we slept in seperate rooms. She didn't care how old we were. So if you were her daughter you and Tony would not sleep in the same room even after 2 kids and 25 years.

 

[Shari]

I don't think you're a dinosaur at all.

That said, easy child 1's girlfriend stayed here prior to being 18. Extenuating circumstances - her parents were divorcing and her mom crawled into the bottom of a bottle to deal with it. So she spent a lot of her time here, and we, collectively, spent a lot of time going to pick up her mom from various and assundry bars at 2am...

 

[DammitJanet]

Maybe I shouldnt allow Tony and I to sleep together when the kids are home now...lol. In fact, I think that is a very good idea after all these years! By now, we basically just pass each other in the hall anyway...lmao.

 

[Shari]

Ah, the good ol' hallyway copulating...

Janet, does your state have any kind of common law marriage laws?

 

[eekysign]

Ah, the good ol' hallyway copulating...

Janet, does your state have any kind of common law marriage laws?

I think NC is like VA, common law is only OK if you moved into the state from somewhere that DOES recognize 'em, and you had one there. Not sure, though.

 

[Marguerite]

THis is a tricky area, folks. I have to put my hand up as being odd one out here. But not for lack of trying to be a dinosaur.

However - there are only so many nights you can spend, lying sleeping across the threshhold of your daughter's room. Chastity belts are considered child abuse.

Our problem is greatly compounded by living too far away for friends to just drop in for an evening visit. As a result, relationships were pursued long-distance with occasional weekend/vacation visits. With easy child & BF1, I had to trust to BF1's grandfather to supervise, plus her own known aversion to sex (so we thought). Then she came home form a long visit, with a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)... and I called her on it, then took her to the doctor for the Pill and antibiotics. Her biggest crime at the time, I told her, was in going ahead and NOT telling me, because she needed to learn how to avoid getting a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) and I would have warned her. I didn't want to gross her out by telling her when she was too young.

easy child 2/difficult child 2 - round heels. We KNEW we'd have trouble with her. Again, we couldn't watch her every minute of every day. Trust me - we tried. Really, really hard. She still got past us. And it was her, not him. We knew what she was like, we knew that she would be OK but it would be devastating for him - and it was.

Neither of our girls were promiscuous, but we knew that they would be likely to have sex once established in a long-term relationship, even though still under 18.

We never had boy-girl sleepovers with a group, we also banned easy child from going to them when she was younger. But when older, she often slept over when there were mixed groups. But the larger the group, the less chance there is for anything to happen. We knew the kids involved and knew there were enough kids who really cared about our girls as friends, to make sure nothing happened to them.

Once the kids begin gonig about on their own and visiting friends - fi they wnat to have sex, it doesn't have to happen overnight. The kids will MAKE it happen. husband & I sat & talked about it, we felt we'd prefer it to happen somewhere safe qwhere they cancome talk to us if they needed to.

Mind you, I did my utmost to use aversion therapy. husband & I will kiss in front of the kids, we make no secret of "where they came from" even though most kids would prefer to beleive themselves to be the product of Immaculate Conception!

I took the kids (all of them) shopping for condoms. Where we live, they can be bought in the supermarket. There's nothing so offputting for a kid, as to have a mother publicly discuss the merits or otherwise of ribbed/non-ribbed, flavoured/non-flavoured. I bought supplies and made sure the kids knew where they were kept so they could raid them.

THis was not condoning it, it was saying, "I'd rather you waited. But I'm a realist and want you to be safe. Safety is vital. Abstinence is safest. After that - responsibility. And if you choose the adult pleasures, you MUST also accept the responsibility. ALL of it."

For a while easy child 2/difficult child 2 & BF2 were actually living as a couple, in our spare room.

We never suggested it. Uh uh. We DID accept BF2 as a boarder, there were too many good reasons to. And if we hadn't, he would have got his own place and easy child 2/difficult child 2 would have moved in with him. Which they have since done. But at least for the first year, there was a transition, under our roof. It gave us time to "house-train" BF2. They were both over 18 when he moved in. About 20, actually.

easy child & BF2 have been sexually active since they were about 16, I think. They're getting married on Friday. She is almost 27.

Sometimes it works out.

Marg

 

[DammitJanet]

No NC doesnt have a common law marriage, in fact I am breaking the law. There was a woman who actually got arrested for sleeping with a SO when she applied for a job with a sheriff's department in another county in this state. What hogwash. We have the Head Deputy Sheriff who is caught trafficking drugs but sleep with your SO and you are a bad bad person....lol.

As far as teen sleepovers....it doesnt even have to be sleepovers. My mom made my room a lovers nest and basically sold me out. I was 14 when she told me to invite all my boyfriends to come visit with me in my bedroom instead of anywhere else in the house. It had a tv, stereo and satin sheets on the bed. Mood lighting too. She made sure I was well stocked with beer and liguor and of course I always had pot. To make this even more lurid, she had drilled a peephole from a coat closet in the front hallway so she could watch what went on in my bedroom. I never knew about the peephole until I was an adult.

I am sure you can all imagine what went on in that room.

 

[AnnieO]

LOL - ya know, I think it's question of how our parents were, too - because I have problems using any kind of strong language in front of them. Thought Mom was going to pass out when difficult child 1 told difficult child 2 "SHUT UP!". (We don't say that in our house. Long-standing rule.)

BUT, even so, I think after husband and I had lived together for a year, my parents would have allowed it. We just lived so close, it was pointless!