Clueless need advice

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Feb 10, 2018.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    My son is an addict of anything that escapes his mind. He's been in jail for 4 months and he is going to be released on the 14th. Prior to his arrest he has broke in my home or shown up at odd hours of the night demanding for me to let him in the house. I feel like he prefers to be high in a safe place. He never ask for help to get sober and never admits to drug use. Each time he was escorted off by police. Now I believe he's clean from being in jail and I want to help but don't know How? I don't want him to live in my home but is the streets a solution to stay clean and sober? Or do I let him stay till he gets on his feet? I am at a lost and I don't want to love to death nor turn my back.
    I am just wanting to see the humble side. The desire to live in society and grow sober. I fear of his manipulation to just seek shelter. I fear that if I don't see or hear his desire to be sober and lend a hand he will turn back to drugs. I am clueless in how to help my son after he is released?
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If you are in the US you might Google sober living houses or Oxford house. Oxford house is a self governing group of people in recovery who share a home, expenses and hold each other accountable. There are fees, but are usually low enough that once they find a job most people can afford to support themselves.

    If he has insurance, there may be options there. If he is still in the court system, maybe his probation officer would know of programs.

    You can make options available...but they have to make it work.

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  3. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thank you that is what I need to remember is all I can do is give options.
    I had found Oxford house in the past and he got evicted after 30 days. He had excuses to why: unable to find work without a car, didn't like the roomates, thinking other guys in the home were using drugs. When he got evicted he begged to come home. His house was about 2 hours away from and he hitchhiked to my house. He did claimed he is hallucinating and hearing voices. I sent him for psychiatric evaluation inpatient. He has no insurance so little options. He has been to state behavioral unit two times. Upon his first release I had to monitor him taking his medications to finally he refused. I finally was done. He's noncompliance I can't help.
    Now I know deep down he can't stay with me. It saddens me to all ends to worry what will he do when he's released. It's cold outside but then there's thoughts of maybe this cold weather will finally be his rock bottom.
  4. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Your description is very moving to me. Feeling that shift in them would be so comforting, and make it easier to move forward from the past.

    Without the shift, we can only guess at their intentions, try not to enable and to protect our lives from chaos and our hearts from the pain they inflict, the pain from watching and the pain from imagining them alone. It often seems like just a choice of which pain.

    To make this tolerable for the unforeseeble future, I’m having to force myself to shed the feeling of dread. Its a heavy situation, but it was becoming like quicksand and I was going to go under if I kept waiting for an addict to throw me a rope.

    Some ideas that have helped

    — this is what Difficult Child/ACs do. it’s not personal

    — don’t project my horror on to what might just be another Thursday for him

    — help that will be helpful, doesn’t enable, doesn’t compromise me and doesn’t come with expectations about the outcome

    — All those things were true yesterday and last year, but I didn’t know it then. I don’t have to suffer in the same way even if things don’t change. And I can forgive him some of that pain since it was not personal.

    — I am responsible for reasonable reactions to my decisions. Using again, for an addict, is not a reasonable reaction to anything.

    — Stay in the moment — without hyper vigilance

    Your post made me think about this last thing first. He’s not out yet. He hasn’t asked yet.

    I don’t know the answers when he does, but hopefully it will be what you can do and what you must do.
  5. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Son got out of jail and my youngest son is home sick from college said while he was asleep his brother was sitting in the living room. Really. So while I'm at work he just took a notion to break in and sit around as if that's okay. He was gone by the time I got home. I am so freaking livid! I have no one to talk to about this. It's just pitiful! Gets out of jail after spending 4 months in and just climbs the fence and found a unlocked door and just helps himself inside.
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I understand how you feel i never used to lock my doors. Recently put on new deadbolts and am thinking about an alarm system. So far when he has been out he has threatened but not showed up. Maybe an alarm system might make your son think twice.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's time to change the locks.

    It's difficult to me to recall your information. (it'd be helpful if you put a signature at the end of your post so we could recall your story and better support you)

    These may all be things you already know, so forgive me if I am repeating.....
    It may be prudent for you to attend Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. Many parents here find solace in these 12 step groups. It may also be helpful for you to look into private therapy with someone versed in addiction so you WILL have someone to talk to, vent to, be guided and supported by and find ways to effectively navigate this very difficult terrain.
    Reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here may be helpful.

    Your son is the only one who can stop his addiction, you are powerless. You have no control over his life whether he lives with you or not.

    I encourage you to seek support in some fashion before you make any decisions about whether your son lives with you or seem to be at an important juncture....
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  8. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thank you for all the advice here. I am trying to stay together. We are getting security camera this weekend. I agree I need to seek face to face therapy.

    I just don't know how to insert my signature?
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you're getting the security camera joysheph.

    Here you go.....

    1. Log in

    2. Select Signature in the user control panel.

    3. Create your signature in the signature text box.

    Click "Save Changes" and your signature will display at the bottom of your posts.
  10. joysheph

    joysheph Member

  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your troubles. I agree with Re, time to change the locks.
    We didn’t have to shut our house up tight before my daughter went off the rails and figured if the door was locked she had every right to come in through the windows, pry off and wreck our screens. :mad:
    It seems that these adult kids of ours will push every boundary imaginable and think it is okay. What’s yours is mine.......kind of attitude.
    My two will come round to shower once in a while, usually when I am not home. It is such an odd feeling, to have to be wary of our own. After so many traumatic events and things gone missing, what can a person do?
    Addiction is an awful beast. It turns our adult kids into people we don’t recognize, they have a predatory attitude towards their own family.
    It is nothing personal, they just want to be high.
    At any expense.
    So, understanding this forces us to move into action to protect ourselves and the security of our home.
    Joysheph, I know this is hard. Wondering if you tell your son to leave if he’s on the streets will he just go deeper down the rabbit hole. The thing is, addicts will drug no matter where they are. Having that in your home is simply unacceptable.
    How old is your younger son?
    Mine is 16. He is disgusted with his sisters, their drug use, theft and lying. He has been through a lot while his dad and I struggled with this. One thing that helped me put my foot down was looking at my boy. He didn’t deserve to grow up watching his adult sisters use and manipulate his parents.
    Try and write a signature so folks have an understanding of your situation at a glance. It is the info you see on the bottom of my post.
    I went back and read some of your older threads. You have been dealing with this sort of thing for some time now. I’m sorry, I know how hard it is.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone with your troubles. We have all been through some nightmarish stuff with our d cs.
    Hang in there and work on building your toolbox. Read as much as you can, go to a counselor, find ways to strengthen yourself.
    It is a tough road we are all on. We need every bit of strength we can muster to get through it.
    Know that you are not alone.
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  12. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Its odd how as i am trying to get my signature I seen my old posts . Yes it never darned on me to how long I've been struggling with his addictions. The years I've tried and tried and tested and cried for no positive end result. I need to take action and seek out face to face help and stop procrastinating about this. I be darn if I let his addiction destroy my happiness!! Awe I'm so appreciative to this forums.
    I am on my cell, went to signature and saved it. Now I am posting and I don't understand why it does not show up? Is there an app for this group? I just Google conduct disorders and found parents emeritus .
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I have changed locks more often than I have purchased new underwear lately. Sigh.
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  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    This is sick an invasion of privacy. It really is mind boggling how out of whack they can be with their behaviour.

    You are not alone.
    Sending a hug alon with all the other supportive comments.
  15. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    My youngest son is 19 studying ministry. He tells me just give it to the Lord. He is sadden by big brother choices but he don't dwell in it either.
    As the time goes by I was livid about the breaking in but now I am certain he was jonesing for a high. Off he went... He tends to want to come home afterwards and having to work at 0600 and am dreading the chaos!
    I had hope he was going to come back admitting to addiction and asking for sober living. I assume i will call the cops again for trespassing.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is what I do, JS, gave my two back to God. Their lifestyle and choices are far too much for me to handle. Hope and pray for them to see the light one day.
    I am sorry, this is hard stuff to bear. When my two show up randomly, I am glad they are alive, but to be honest, it feels like they are just looking for stuff, trolling us. It feels awful to write that, but it is the truth. There is barely conversation. It is an awkward moment and I automatically wonder if I have locked my bag in the truck. It is because of all the past realities of dealing with drug addicted d cs. They don't care about us. It is a sad truth. I have come to see that in their minds, we are not people, just possible opportunities. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found us. Do what you need to do to keep your home safe.
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  17. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I’m sorry. It sounds so hard.