First post; what you'd call a "difficult child" here, wanting perspective from parents like mine

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by stalln4x, Sep 23, 2012.

  1. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    I'm turning 23 in October, arguably a difficult child. I found this forum by ccident but I've read a good half of the entirety of this section of the forum and its history. I just failed in killing myself last week and though I'm not a parent, I was hoping to maybe get something out of this or just rant... kind of like an alcoholic going to AlAnon (the support for alcoholics' loved ones), I'm hoping I can get away with posting here and getting some perspective.

    Got psychiatric-hospitalized a couple years ago. It didn't go well, and I responded horribly to medications. I'd been in college and doing well for 2.5 years prior to that and have been back on and off for a couple semesters. I had smoked weed on and off for those 2.5 years and maintained great grades and had a lot of potential, but towards the end of those 2.5 years I got into K2 and was unable to sleep when I got rid of it to try to kick the habbit (the delirium of sleep deprivation landed me in the psychiatric hospital, but it did way more harm than good and I responded horribly to medication; I was also non-phsyically sexually assaulted by a homeless man while in there, as well as scared for my physical safety and incredibly spooked that they were obviously doing assisted suicides, which outside 2 psychiatrists confirmed does happen but it's rare).

    I've been seeing a really good psychiatrist (if that's not an oxymoron) ever since, mainly for ADD but also for supposed bipolar. Things got to the point where we all would expect medication to solve all the problems, but that wasn't the case and none of it actually helped save for Adderall. It's outstanding for focus but made me very volatile and moody and I'm not sure if it's something I'm intersted in continuing.

    I've now been in college for 4 years but have missed 2 of the last 4 semesters (and gone the last 2 summers). My parents paid for an empty apartment those 2 semesters I missed, not to mention that tuition only got partially refunded. In order to not have the issue of the apartment as another loss risk, it was decided I would be staying in a hotel with my dad about two hours from my parents house. Each two weeks of this is 1.5-2 months worth of apartment rent, for perspectice, plus my parents being away from eachother and my dad having to completely give up his life. We were going to have 2 cars for convenience sake, but I got back with an old playmate around an old playground and ended up smoking weed, which they found. So then we decided to do one car and I would report to my dad.

    I relapsed on K2 the first week and told parents and psychiatrist that I wanted to go to rehab to get out of the situation this semester, but only half of me thinks that's the case and the other half just thinks that I didn't know what to say or how to explain it. They were going to pay for rehab and wanted to earlier this year but now drug treatment is off the table. I really needed it too, the worse and longer things went on.

    The hotel was supposed to be just for the first couple weeks, and my ex roommate (who doesn't use drugs) from out of state ended up getting screwed over by this too and is now across the country doing online classes. Things became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy for me that this is never going to be over, why bother, yada yada pity party pity party. Every time I thought it would be over it wasn't, plus me feeling like **** that I used K2 again last winter and went kind of crazy (but much of that was also when I got cut off of two medications you're supposed to slowly wean off of and then put on one that I react horribly to, but between that and the variance of what K2 can be there are too many variables to say). There are other things too, such as that my parents were going to forgive my student loans if I stuck in classes, took my "bipolar" drugs (aka lithium), and didn't do drugs, but now that's gone.

    I quit turning things in in a couple weeks ago. Similar to with rehab above, half of me thinks that I'm just a defeatist rationalizing that but the other half of me considers dooming myself to zeros intentionally to help me go through with suicide last week (I used to care about my grades a lot). Anyway...

    Last Wednesday, I took almost every sleeping pill I had in my possession (mostly trazodone) along with a small amount of alcohol purchased off campus. Then the worst part: Last Thursday, I woke up. So now this has all been a monumental waste of my parents time and money, and I'm still around. My parents just had me show them my grades (high F avg. in one, zeros across the board in the other 2). I lied and said they must have not put them in yet, but they certainly at least suspect that lie.

    Now, we're about a month into the semester and I have zeros in 2 of my 3 classes and am failing the other one. My parents made it clear in no uncertain terms that if I drop any classes or get less than passing marks in any one, college is over. Period.

    So, now I'm even more frantic and serious about dying. I tested if an upstairs bannister could hold my weight earlier (it could) and every overpass I saw on the way home made me wonder if it was high enough to be fatal.

    And it's also not like I'm just ungrateful and lazy, but otherwise good. Though I'm not showing it or living it, I'm extremely grateful to my parents for everything (and though this end part sucked, I had a good life), but I'm by no means a good kid (though I was): I've been pretty abusive to them the last year, ever since I didn't return to spring college. Yelled, sworn, smoked legal weed subsitutes/drank in the house. They even took me on vacations to cheer me up. On the day after my 22nd birthday, I furiously yelled "Where was my surprise?!" at my dad after getting to visit some friends at college and hearing about how great their surpise 21sts were while I spent mine at a bar where I knew no one with my cousin drinking an O'Doules and still physically unable to smile right due to being on so many medications.

    God. Deep down, I do hate them for not getting me out of that hospital. I literally couldn't walk right they had me on so many drugs when I got out of there. I didn't even really have a drug or alcohol problem before that... I tried to get rehab as a way to get out earlier (you would too if people were being tackled around you, the staff were mean, and an old man kept pulling his pants down, wagging his **** at you and saying "69 + 2 = 100%"), but I could only fill up the space of about 3 minutes with my entire drug history to my mom. The worst part is I ended up telling them I did need to be there so they would feel less bad about it, but of course that doomed me to being stuck on a bunch of medications I didn't need and then coming to think that pills could just solve all my problems. Nope. Apparently even a bottle full of pills couldn't solve my problems.

    So, my college career is already over. I've basically made it mathematically impossible to pass 2 of my classes and it'd be hard for the other one. Tomorrow's the last day to drop classes without a grade. My mom made a comment that it'd be stupid to end up with F's instead of W's on my transcript, but then again dropping isn't an option--f***ed if I do, f***cked if I don't drop. I've seen a few comments on these forums about parents wishing they'd had an abortion and I can understand why now, but that doesn't change things. I cant even pay them back for college... no savings. I looked into life insurance but you have to have the policy for 1-2 years before they'll pay out for suicide so that's a no-go.

    Honestly, things are just worse and worse. I'm trying to imagine any way life would be worth living and I'm just not seeing it. There's a plethora of memories of me making my mom cry and being a **** to my dad to help give me the nudge, and while a part of me still wants a nice, normal life, it feels like I'm past the point of no return especially since college is out. I shredded my suicide note from last week when I was home over the weekend but don't know if I should bother as it'd just cause more hurt. I had a pretty coherent idea of where I was going with all this as well as a couple specific, possibly hopeful questions that I wanted to get opinions on some parents who have to deal with creatures like myself, but with adderall worn off, the hour getting late, and emotional exhaustion setting in they escape me right now.

    Two bad things don't make a good thing, but one less bad thing is still less of bad things. I'm afraid of only getting responses along the lines of "you messed it up, you have to live with it," but I really don't have to and I'm more and more aware how much I messed everything up and it makes me hate myself more, but I look forward to seeing if anyone has something they can say. The worst part is the surprise they gave me... I should have been excited but I was high or on lithium (read: you don't feel/experience life) or something else. That was the last exciting surprise I'll ever get and I ****ed that up.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am sorry you're hurting. Yes, you messed up BUT you still have things you could do. Try to find a really good therapist to help you process everything. I had one that REALLY helped. I can see where you're parents are coming from. They have bent over backwards for you and feel you're ungrateful. They have tried to "motivate" you to do the right thing and have stuck by you longer than many parents have/would. medications may or may not be the answer. Drugs are NOT the answer. They help you "cope" for a little while but at a very high cost. Give up on college for now ..... withdraw for now. A W does look MUCH better than F's. You can always go back some day but first, you have to get your mind in the right place. You're parents obviously haven't written you off yet and they may not if you try to change things. Hospitals don't always help and rehab will only work if you REALLY want it to. It's up to you.

    {{{{HUGS}}}} to you. Asking for help, even here, is a great step. Seriously find a good therapist....if you want things to get better. A good one can help immensely.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was married and pregnant and 23 and mentally ill. I had no help from my parents, just a puzzled husband, and one thing I knew is that *I* had to take care of my own problems. No parents to bail me out (nor should they have to at that age). There is a lot YOU can do, but YOU have to do it and stop blaming your parents for your problems. If you are abusing your parents, you'll feel a lot better if you cut it out.

    Go to a self-help group and ask the people there where they are going for help and how they got better. I did a lot of that. Try to get your head together before you finish college because until you do you won't be successful at a job anyway. Sorry I can't be more sympathetic. By your age, like I said, I had to do it myself and I did do it myself. There is only one person who can help you and that is YOU. There are free or low cost mental health centers that you can go to without involving your parents and there are state hospitals that can help you detox, if you need to do that. I had to grow up. You do too. Those are things that you can do. I did them all, except for the detox since that wasn't my issue. But it's available for you.

    I wish you good luck :)
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stall...Welcome to the board. I want you to know that I read your post completely and it has me very worried. One of the things in it that you said is that you read a lot of our posts and you picked out that some of us had said that we wished we had had abortions. I think you are taking that way out of context to make yourself think your parents wish you werent here. I have been on this board since 1999 and I cant think of one person on this board who has said in a serious way that they wished that they didnt have their child in their lives. We may have joked about it to each other but never been serious. I am one of the ones who actually had a doctor give me a choice because of some medical issues and I chose to continue my pregnancy knowing we would take what we got. Thats not to say I didnt think about asking the doctor to perform the abortion when he was in his mid Tad bit too late by then!

    (See, Joking!)

    I am also one of the people on this board that has been through hell and back as a person. I was and am a difficult child myself. I didnt know it as a child and young adult but I have been bipolar my whole life. It hasnt been easy.

    You do need to put college on hold for now. It isnt the most important thing in the world. You arent going to be a complete loser if you dont have college right now. What you need to do is work on yourself right now. Im sure your parents are worried about you. Yeah they are probably frustrated as hell with you right now but if they see that you are trying to get your act together they will come around. Parents have an amazing ability to forgive our kids when we see them turning around. All we have to see is a change in direction and we can be your biggest cheerleaders.

    Find those free clinics midwestmom was talking about and get started with them. Call your local chapter of NAMI and ask them for help. Just dont look at overpasses as the way out. That solves nothing. You probably wont die and will just end up in pain. Another issue to handle. Just what you need.
  5. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    Thanks each of you for the replies. Looking my post over today, I feel petty and b*tchy although it was very therapeutic to spill my guts all over the internet (sketchy though it was crying for an hour in a hotel room typing that all up). It just felt good to vent--no wonder you're all on here lol. That said, would it be selfish or a disservice to edit out the body of my original post? I kind of don't like the idea of this all being out there, although the context of your replies would be lost. Also, would it be weird or inappropriate if I kept this account and came out of lurking once in a while to try to get parents/ex-difficult child's take on things once in a while when bringing things up with mine might be more harmful? As an aside, I've been reading this forum for so long that I'm something analogous to being starstruck at interacting with you all finally, heh.

    I did talk to my parents, just in an optimistic way and it seems like they look at things more as "this was a good day that I enjoyed, that was a bad day that I didn't" rather than as everything bad I've done being cumulative. Things just get way too serious sometimes, although that's probably my mindset.

    MidwestMom, did you ever find that bipolar medications did more harm than good? Did you ever think so but later come around, or was the concept of the diagnosis ever a trigger in and of itself? I don't know about you, but nothing gives me a mood swing or whatever faster than someone rattling a bottle of pills at me saying "we need to get you stable!". Part of me isn't going to accept that diagnosis even if it turns out to be right just because that'd be a barrier to adoption (I'm gay, but somewhat traditional--maybe I'll still have this account if I ever start a family and need advice; it's cool to see how many adoptive families there are here). I can't imagine having such adult responsibilities at this age, but you're right that at this age I shouldn't be "simulating" adulthood in a parentally-insulated buffer. I admire you being able to pull through all that. I'm going to probe and try to see how much my psychiatrist is costing because I do want to be as little of a financial burden as I can be and it would be empowering to take charge of my own healthcare... I feel like a disobedient pet at times.

    The humor is nice, DammitJannet. My head spins at some of the stuff I read, trying to imagine both what I'd do but while also knowing I've put my parents through a lot of similar hell. It's good that you don't have regrets about having your kid. My mom just told me that they didn't get any embryonic fluid sceening stuff done because she said it wouldn't have made a difference so I guess I am looking too much at the negative in spite of how strong parental bonds really are. That, and I'm well beyond statute of limitation for being aborted :p (humor right back at ya, heh).

    I wanted to say thanks for your kind reply also, TeDo. I was able to withdraw from two of the classes and am sticking one out since it's part of a sequence. Although holy god damned hell is this "living" situation killing me. My dad is even talking about which classes "we're taking". This really is kind of disturbing on different levels. Suffocating has never been so frustrating and it ticks me off more knowing that we could have already paid for an entire year of an apartment, food, and gas for how much we've spent on this stupid hotel.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi stalln,

    Wanted to welcome you to the board and suggest you talk to your dr about Abilify.
    Have you ever tried this medication for your "suspected bipolar" disorder?
    It has been such a wonder drug for me. The depression has been lifted and and I don't feel compelled like I used to and don't have the anxiety that I used to have either.

    by the way, I have 3 children...2 difficult child's. My oldest difficult child is 25 and doing well now. Younger difficult child is 23 and in prison, sigh.
    Both are addicts. Younger difficult child has been dxd with Bipolar Disorder like myself but unfortunately he does not accept the diagnosis. If he had been on Abilify I don't think he would have subsequently ended up in prison as there was a suicide attempt and then to ER where he "spit at an officer" while restrained to a hospital bed. He got accused of spitting at 2 officers and received 2 Felony's for this. He then got drunk last summer (while on probation for the 2 Felony's) and was not living at our home at the time...He got angry and put his fist through the windshield of wife's car. His two children were in the backseat and small piece of glass hit his daughter in the forehead (no stitches just a bandaid required) he was convicted because he was arrested while on probation and sentenced to prison for 3 yrs for the original "spitting Felony's". Nonetheless, his behavior has been out of control when he is drunk or on pain medications (his drugs of choice). I SO wish he would accept the Bipolar disorder he has and take Abilify like myself as I think all of the pain he's endured (his family and ours have endured) could have been prevented!
    He is supposed to get out of prison this December (early release...2 months from now, OMG!) and come home to live with husband and I. I am nervous to say the least about all this as this HAS TO BE my young difficult child's "bottom".

    I also have a daughter who is 20 yrs old and in college. She is my "easy child". by the way, she is also gay and has a fairly steady girlfriend for past couple of yrs. But she is no longer the "all-supporting" partner that she once was and so she had broken up with her girlfriend for several months to help prompt her girlfriend to become a more responsible person.
    Her girlfriend is now working and going to school...ttl cause this mamma did not like it one little bit that my daughter was doing all the work, so to speak. See, easy child likes to take care of people...but she is learning to not let herself be completely taken advantage of now. I am so pleased!
    My easy child wants to be a psychologist! She wants to help children with their parents...I mean parents with their children, lol. It's one or the other right? smile.

    Anyway, I just was thinking about you and sure hoping you get the help you deserve.
    I wouldn't worry about school right now, you need to take care of yourself with grades, etc later on.

    by the way, Did you say you were adopted?
    Wondering also if you have brothers or sisters?
    And...When did the drug use begin?

    Be good to you,
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hey Stalln.

    Thank you for you post. You've given me a look inside my own son from his perspective. All the things I've said to him I am about to write to you. I hope that - since they come from a stranger on the internet - you may take them to heart. I know my own son hasn't. And by reading you post; I get the impression that while your common sense is telling you that your parents only want to help - you are bristling under what you perceive as them suffocating you - and you resent their mixed messages of disapproval of you and support of you.

    And that's what I want to focus on. That mixed message. Because after reading your post; I see that I am probably doing the same with my kid. He is certainly reacting in much of the same way by bristling. And I can't get thru to him - but maybe I can get thru to you.

    You are making a mess out of your life. And you need to stop making it worse. Because, this too shall pass. And at 23, this mess is basically all you know of adulthood. A brief period of success followed by this spiral into mental illness and drug use and failure. BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE! That life lies ahead. This transition period/age is hard for most everyone. Yes, you are struggling more than most. But your parents just want you to get to the other side; get you landed in adulthood safely, be able to launch yourself. This mixed message they are sending is about that. They are trying to show you that they love YOU, they support YOU, they want what's best for YOU and they do not support your lifestyle, your drug use, the choices you are making. But they are trying to preserve your FUTURE choices, your life ahead, YOU - so that when all of this is resolved, you can go forward in your life without permanent scars from these bad choices dragging you down.

    And in writing that; I realize how ridiculous it sounds. And I don't know you, I don't know your parents - I am writing this because it is what I am doing with my own son. They are just trying to get you back on track - trying to let you know they love you unconditionally; that they are not rejecting YOU; they are rejecting the path you are on. So please, as a mom - I beg you to cut them some slack. I know you don't need a lecture; and I am sorry if I am coming across as giving one and I hope you won't tune me out. If you've read the back posts here; you know how much we moms agonize over our kids who are struggling. It's because we love them. And we want what's best for them. And sometimes we (I) feel that if we can just get them over this hump; they will live happily ever after. And it's worth everything to us.

    I am very worried about you. Your life is VERY MUCH worth living. You reached out here, you reached out to us. You have a lot of empathy and you are a beautiful writer; with a ton of insight and compassion. The world needs more people like you.

    Take the good advice from the other posters. Think about printing out your posts and showing them to a mental health professional, even to your parents. Your college must have mental health services available to students. Go there. You are not alone. People care. There is help available. Your life is worth living. And THIS TOO SHALL PASS. The way you feel now isn't forever.

    We are here and we care.

    PS: PLEASE drop the classes. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take "W"s or "INC"s instead of "F"s. You may want to return to classes or college someday. And you won't be able to with zeros in your GPA.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of all, suicide is NEVER the answer. Period. It just is not. You would be throwing away a wonderful future that is awaiting you - I promise. And it would kill the people that love you inside of them and they would never be the same without you. No. Suicide NEVER is the answer. Never, ever, ever is there a positive from someone taking their own life. Ever. Am I clear?

    Next, glad you dropped the classes, that is what I would have recommended.

    Last, your parents are lovely people, but they are trapping you into a world you are not ready for. I think you should not be in college at this time. I think you should be in counseling and working somewhere. College can come back into the picture in a year or two. You can pay for it, get loans and grants, etc. Your parents need to see the following:

    No drugs
    No alcohol
    Responsible behavior
    Take responsibility for your own things (appointments, bills, etc.)
    Be mature. What does that mean? It means take care of you and sometimes do something nice for your parents. That is the age you are at right now.

    So, tell me what would it take to take care of yourself?
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ditto Busywend!
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    To answer your adoption question, since I was stable, I was allowed to adopt several :) And I am on medications. Now some that I tried did not help me and some made me even worse, but I refused to stop trying. I found two that do and I will take them for the rest of my life. I'm sort of a person who refuses to give up and a few bad experiences on medications was not enough to stop me from trying to feel better. It also was NOT going to stop me from adopting! :) I think having to do things for myself at a young age (no family support) gave me the oomph I needed to persevere and get better and also to make sure I could have the family that I wanted.

    PS--Good therapy helps too. I love cognitive behavioral therapy and a new type...dialectal behavioral therapy <------I like this most of all!
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Stalln -

    I wanted to let you know how moved I am by your post. I don't have bipolar disorder, but have struggled with major depressive disorder since I was 13, or earlier. In August of 2002, I was hospitalized with a psychotic depression. I was in a nice hospital, but I got to experience a man exposing and playing with himself in front of me, a man with paranoid schizophrenia who really liked me but the voices were telling him to hurt me and he didn't want to, a man with bipolar disorder so manic he was delusional and angry because I called him out on his verbal attack on another fragile patient (though, we did have some fascinating discussions about his work in the military in time travel and teleporting people to Mars - it was very sad, he was extremely intelligent and when the medications kicked in he was humiliated - I wish we didn't remember those horrible times) medication changes that either did nothing or made it worse, and group therapy that I swear was designed for 5 year olds.

    Over the years, some medications have helped and then petered out. Some medications have done nothing, and some medications had intolerable side effects. I'm 39 years old and doing medication changes again. I go through periods where every day I think about dying and every day I talk myself into living. I understand.

    What I want you to know - really know - is that all of these things seem HUGE right now because everything in your life feels out of control, and with mental illness that isn't properly treated some of it is actually out of your control. When the mental illness takes over, we're not really capable of good choices. We're just in survival mode and doing everything we can to keep our heads above water, and there is nothing left for anything else. But these things that seem so huge right now, in the scheme of things, aren't huge. They aren't unfixable. They aren't permanent. They can change. Everyone does not follow the same path on the same timetable. But first you have to work on you. If you don't work on getting better, everything is going to feel like it's turning to **** because your mental illness is in control, not you. With the right medications and therapy, it really can get better. I'm not saying it's going to be easy or overnight. I do not believe that medications alone will be enough. It's going to take work. But, as someone who has suffered and struggled to overcome, I can tell you that it is worth it.

    I would imagine that your parents just don't know what to do anymore, not because they don't care but because unless you have lived with this it is impossible to understand all of the nuances and how this effects every single aspect of your life and ability to make good decisions - let alone plan for the future. I don't know your parents financial situation, but they might also be at the point where they are having to consider how much more money they can afford to spend on this and still have money to retire on. As a parent, I can tell you that talking to your parents and telling them what you told us about how much you appreciate them, how much you love them, and all of the other stuff it will go a long way. But you really do need to stop yourself if you feel like you might be abusive, since you are cognizant of it, stop and walk away. Tell them that you need a time out or a break. Talk about that beforehand so they know what that means and don't become angry, defensive, or hurt.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    medications can help, but sometimes finding the right medications takes some trial and error. My daughter was on Depakote (no response), Trileptal (no response), Geodon (groggy all the time), Adderall (super crabby), and many more. She is now on Thorazine, Seroquel and a low dose of Vyvanse...she finally feels like she is in control and not the mental illness.

    Are you attending NA? Getting direct support from others who have been there is so critical. The 12 steps really do work. It was smart of you to drop those two classes. Now you have time to focus on getting better. Do you have access to mental health services through the student medical center?

    Not all phosps are the same. You may want to research and find out which one near you is best. I'd hate for you not to get help just because of that bad experience.

    My friend's brother killed himself last month. I do not think my friend will ever be the same. He is going to be missed by so many people but buried in depression, he couldn't see how deeply he was needed in this world. Your parents sound like they love you completely -- for your dad to give up his life to help you lead yours in safety and with support shows that you are so very, very important to them.

    Please keep reaching out for help.
  13. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    Thanks for the helpful responses again, esp. those of you with- BiPolar (BP). I'm amazed they let you adopt but that's awesome, MidwestMom. May I ask if you had any involuntary committments? Had you ever had drug problems in the past? I have no arrests but I do have an involuntary commitment on my record.

    Also, for whoever asked, I'm not adopted--I simply meant

    I smoked myself into oblivion again last week. Sober for real this time. I told my mom (who is with me now and she told my dad[who was going to come up and switch her in a couple days] and we moved my psychiatrist apt up to tomorrow. I skirted the fact I've been sui-you know what-al but didn't admit to downing all my sleeping pills (psychiatrist knows this). Maybe I wasn't trying to off myself, who knows. My mom asked if she should take me to a hospital and while I'm wondering if that might be a good idea.

    I think it's the Adderall but I get nervous, then a fake feeling inner happy, then panicky. I've been extremely suicidal today and the last day or two and Adderall, while useful for studying sometimes, essentially makes me feel confident 1/3 of the time, anxious for 1/3, and then BAM-KILL-YOURSELF-NOW-THIS IS THE REALITY YOU CREATED the rest of the time. I'm half considering checking into a mental hospital but then college is over for sure.
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2012
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Honey, don't give up. Talk to you mom or dad, call the psychiatrist tonight and get some good advice on how to get through tonight until you are seen tomorrow. If it means going to the hospital so that you are safe; that's ok. It's not the end of your college dreams. It's just a step on the journey to wellness.

    You think that the Aderall is making you more anxious and I believe you. It's the medicine, it's not you. The RIGHT medicine is out there. It may take some trial and error but you WILL find healing. And college isn't going anywhere. It will be there for you when you are well.

    You are surrounded by people who care and want to help. Don't give up. Things will get better and easier. I know you want to be well and you are willing to work for it. You can do it.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stall, I was very touched by your words and saddened by your struggles. My sister is bi-polar,with a number of other diagnosis's. She's struggled with medications, depression, fears, etc, and made some pretty bad choices in HS and college. At one point she was hospitalized due to a breakdown. But she persevered. She got her Masters Degree. She plays the bango, writes poetry, teaches art to children, writes books and is exceedingly creative and talented.

    I have been surrounded by folks with various mental illness' all my life and I can tell you something important I've learned. If you can wade through this dark and strange landscape, hang on, get help, get the right medications if that is a solution, and find your level ground, there is another part of your brain which in some interesting twist of fate, offers a unique richness, a special spark of some kind, some trait or creative talent, or unusual gift............almost as if the brain compensates, makes up for the other anomaly. I've always thought of it like the brain balances itself. Many brilliant, talented, gifted, famous and remarkable people have lived with many different forms of mental issues. Of course, it's up to you to get through that dark place to find the light.

    Hang in there sweetie, this is one moment in your life and bad as it may feel right now it can and will get better. Put all your strength and will into getting healthy, do whatever that takes, as long as it takes. It's gonna take tenacity and courage and you'll gain that as you travel through, as we all do in challenging situations. I believe in my heart that we all have a gift to offer the world, a special song that only you can sing, a note only you can hit, it doesn't have to offer fame or riches, it's simply unique to you and in some manner it enriches the rest of us. It can be a garden, a creative talent, an infectious laugh, a compassionate nature, a way with words, a knack with repairs, it doesn't matter, it's yours. Don't do anything in the moment which will be a permanent choice and rob the rest of us of the gift of YOU. My son-in-law committed suicide and I couldn't possibly put into words the level of pain and profound hurt that caused his family and still does 12 years later.

    Your life is precious and right now your job is to get yourself healthy, everything else can wait. You'll get there when you get there. The good thing about making mistakes is that you learn from them and they build character and strength and at times in your life you can offer another a helping hand with what you've learned along the way. It's all just a part of life, you screw up, you learn, you make whatever amends you need to, you move on...........end of story. We all do it. There are many more exciting surprises awaiting you.....................many more................Keep posting, we're listening.............I'm sending you a big hug from my heart to yours...............
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The Adderall can definitely be making everything worse. Can you call psychiatrist about stopping it?
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For sure look into getting off the adderall. There r other medications to try for helping you focus on school work.
  18. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I was also going to suggest talking to your psychiatrist about getting you off the Adderall.

    My oldest son has BiPolar (BP) and Asperger's, and was initially misdiagnosed with ADHD. After a disastrous time with ADHD medications (Concerta, Strattera, Aderall) and SSRIs (Paxil), we were able to work with his psychiatrist to get an accurate diagnosis and the right medications combination for him. He's doing much better now, able to be happy and live a productive life.

    Please don't worry so much about keeping it together in college. There's plenty of time in your life to sort that out. Right now you need to focus on getting healthy and stable, off the medications that don't work for you (and these include street drugs, which lots of people use to try to self-medicate), and onto medications that DO help. Your parents are there and they love you. We're here to support you as well. Hang in there.
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi! So glad you posted. I second all of these posts and want to further share the perspective of getting to the other side. I too went thru a serious suicidal period when trying to recover from an eating disorder. I was in grad school ....required for my profession so it was critical to finish and I also started my first professional job. I left that job and took time off school. It meant I couldn't go back to that district and I was humiliated. I thought I'd never get another good reference and job....
    I'm here to tell you that nothing is that devastating! Thank heaven therapy and medications and a fierce desire to do better worked. I hurt people and we worked thru it.
    Those twenties .....that transition time to adulthood really are a time of huge adjustment and our brains are not fully developed yet. It is no trite statement that this will pass. College actually is more meaningfull and worth it when older. You can go back. Many do and for the same types of things.
    Also, after all that once I was stable and working I adopted as a single parent. They told me they value people who know how to work through serious life issues. They said that the skills and dedication are what is needed to raise any child. In the end having a special needs difficult child makes me agree with them.
    I know that dark place. I know the twisted logic that makes you feel suicide is an option. When you are thinking that please use you're stronger inner voice to tell yourself what you know is true. This is temporary and changeable. Nothing is forever... except suicide and now that I've experienced it on the other side (close one killing himself ) I'm so grateful I didn't do that to my family and friends.

    This is just my experience ...I hope it helps. You are clearly a very smart and caring person. We all screw up....and you will make more mistakes. How you handle those challenges??? ....that is what's important. As you can see ...people really do care here. Consider yourself hugged and important. I hope you check in soon!