Good vibes needed. girlfriend broke up with difficult child. difficult child reached out to H...+

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Aug 5, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Nothing to report - but it's the FIRST time that difficult child has reached out...

    and he told H that "nothing is working out for him" and "he has a lot of thinking to do"

    and of course "don't tell mom" LE SIGH

    I know it's not much but it's a FIRST...

    and H has a (shhhhhh) second job interview tomorrow...

    you know that feeling of when you pray and pray and pray and pray and you get SILENCE? That's been me for the last 4 years...and now all of a sudden CRASH and the winds of change are blowing. Of course I am very fearful that this glimmer of hope (on both fronts) will be answered by the "winds of change" blowing a door slam shut in my face (and we know I haven't had good luck with the wind)

    Against my better judgment I have allowed hope and joyous anticipation to warm my heart - and I know it's premature...

    so - I would love a little juju
    Lasted edited by : Aug 6, 2012
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Allow yourself a moment of joy because he is feeling the pinch of his choices and does not like the way it feels. It is a start.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That would-be wonderful if it's true. I'm sending all the good vibes I have. This may be the starting point he needs to come back. Also keeping all body parts crossed for h.

    It's time you got good news, you've patiently waited for him to come to his senses.

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending you every bit of ju ju I can muster, warm wishes for the breezes of change to lighten your heart and blow all your sadness and hurt far away and bring in a new era for your son and your family.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sig... I know that feeling well. When you're walking through a tunnel, sometimes you don't know if the light you see is the "light at the end of the tunnel"... or the headlight of an on-coming train!

    But... given that you have TWO glimmers? Sending whatever I can muster that at least ONE door brings some sunlight.
  6. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest got juju and everything else I can send you. I'm grateful and so happy - it is a start.
  7. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    OH boy! I'm crossing everything I have for you!
  8. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I hope he will choose road to better and not to worse in this crossroad!

    Loosing a girlfriend because of his failures can be a thing that wakes him up.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Sending some god ju-ju your way!
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    So, no real news to report. H had lunch with him today. Apparently, his girlfriend visited major university with- her best friend (who attends it) for a few days. Came home, broke up with difficult child, told him she was transferring to said big university in January and told him he could spend the night but he had to leave in the morning. She woke him up at 6am and said "get out." I am guessing it's another guy, C'est la vie

    He told H he just wants to get back to his college town. Has a pt job lined up at a big warehouse where they DO drug test. :) Apparently his boss owes him LOTS of back pay - he just wants to collect it and move on. Had a hard time making July rent bc his boss hasn't paid him. Not sure what to believe. I know his boss, in the past he was paid regularly but I also know that business is bad. I know that he paid difficult child cash in July for an out of town job they did for the boss's brother. So...I am guessing difficult child is paying rent LAST and fun first. And that "when he comes back to town next summer" he will work for someone else. So, he has no desire to change his patterns. If he can be successful and get a good job in college town - he should stay there next summer. Work and take classes while paying his 12 month lease. He is so out of touch with the real world.

    His plan is to demand the back pay from his boss, go up to college town get settled in the apartment, pay his back tuition and re-enroll in school. H reiterated that he might just want to stay in town and take the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and get back on his feet- but he just kept repeating that he wants to get out of here and go back to college town. H told him it sounded like he was running away and I guess difficult child bristled a bit so H dropped it.

    Frankly, he hasn't grown up a bit. Nothing is changed. As I heard H reporting his responses, I could see difficult child sitting at our patio table (8/2011) telling us he "just wanted to make his own decisions" before he stormed out. Same words he gave us when he left both times in January. Same old song. Same dance. Doesn't seem to connect that "HIS decisions" are the reason his life is so screwed up. And doesn't seem to have a plan for fixing them. He is totally unrealistic. IF he can come up with the $6000 to re-enroll AND they accept him, he will need a 3.6 GPA to bring his current 1.4 GPA up to a 2.0 so that he can remain enrolled. If getting a 3.6 GPA is NO PROBLEM, how did he end up with a 1.4???

    OK -so I need to stop typing. I am ranting here when I want to rant at him. At least not ranting at him is some sort of progress.

    I just guess I thought that there would be some sort of looking inward. NADA. He has just added his formerly beloved boss and beloved (ex) girlfriend to the list of people (H and me) responsible for holding him back. At the least, I guess it's nice to have company on that list.

    He absolutely did not want to hear any advice or entertain the idea of coming home. Didn't ask for money either.

    You know the saying: Insanity=doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...

    Lasted edited by : Aug 6, 2012
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The good part about this is that he doesn't have girlfriend and her family to enable bad habits. His unrealistic look at things will soon enough catch up with him

  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I wish you had more to hold onto....

    I don't get the lack of common sense in so many young people these days. Reminds me of this old quote....I'd like to make a motion that we face reality. ~Bob Newhart, from the Bob Newhart Show

    Have decided that with mine, all the telling and showing him in the world won't do any good and probably will do harm. He is going to have to go out there and fall on his face....probably repeatedly....them maybe he will learn. Such a waste...
  13. He sounds just like my difficult child - everyone else is the cause of all his problems.

    I pointed out to him that the only central figure in all of his problems with all these different people and situations is...... (drumroll) "him"!!! That didn't go over well.

    I'm not sure there is much that can be done until they are ready to wake up and start realizing that they have to take responsibility for their choices. Let's pray that they wake up sooner rather than later.
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    It's so flipping frustrating.

    H just told me that one of the reasons difficult child wants to work elsewhere is because working for M is "too close to home." He went up to M's brother's and stayed overnight for a while to do some work and was treated like family. Apparently, M got to know the girlfriend pretty well - girlfriend started babysitting for them, and M did some work for girlfriend's family. Plus M has done work for us and a lot of our friends - which is how difficult child got the job 4 years ago. And let me be clear - M has been great to difficult child. difficult child was without transportation this summer, so M picked him up (at the girlfriend's house) so he could get to work, EVERY day.

    So it sounds like difficult child's world has gotten too small and it's hard to be a BS'er when everyone knows each other. The gig is up.

    And as much as I write it with a smirk on my face, my heart is aching. difficult child always had too much self esteem. He wanted to be the "golden boy", the "special snowflake" all of the time - from the day he was born. We used to jokingly tell him "we are a FAMILY; this is NOT The <insert name> Show." And in a lot of ways, he was a young man who SHINED. Great manners, nice looking, good grades, well spoken, decent athlete. He isn't that golden boy anymore. Being perceived as below ordinary or "a loser" will be an enormous blow to his psyche and his downfall.

    I know I don't mention it often, but H has a brother a lot like that. He's 46 now, a HS dropout, spent some time in prison for forgery/identity theft and is basically an :censored2: yet a total braggart. Drug user, a one time dealer, a total con artist. He constantly put H down publicly and privately, except for those times he is asking for money. Every time life doesn't work out for him (basically every 6 months to a year), he pulls up stakes and starts over elsewhere. Nothing is ever his fault. He completely fails to see that he is the common denominator in everything that has gone wrong for him. He's 46 years old and owns nothing but the clothes he wears. H hasn't spoken to him in 3 years or so - he finally decided he was no longer welcome in our lives. I am so afraid that my sweet boy is following in his uncle's footsteps and yet I am POWERLESS to stop it.

    And I am scared for where he will land.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 6, 2012
  15. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I get the uncle connection. My brother and difficult child are parallels in many ways. The circumstances aren't the same as yours - but the grief is.

    My brother - call him B - has a genius level IQ. He flunked out of 3 universities. Got a small job. At 33, he decided he wanted to go back to school. He graduated in 18 months with a 4.0 (took a lot of CLEP exams, etc.) while running a small business and with a family. Three years later he was a VP at a Fortune 500 company.

    The problem is he is an alcoholic. He has numerous failed relationships. His children are disasters. He has zero friends and trusts no one. Sure at work, he excels but he hates everyone at every job he has ever held. It isn't ever B's fault. B is perfect. He has the emotional maturity of a six week old puppy. work, he can contain it. At home, geez. He would call me up to 16 times a day when he was fighting with his girlfriend. Like a fool, I answered and tried to help. No more.

    He is a cheapskate like you rarely see but has piles of money in the bank. In a checking account because he is too afraid to invest it. He will die alone with his anger and his money. Oh yeah....and his beer.

    I've decided that praying for any outcome for difficult child is wrong for me. I once wanted him to have a solid job, own a home, have a loving family, etc. All dreams I packed up and mailed far away from here.

    I simply pray that he will open his heart.
  16. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that he didn't choose the road to better in this crossroad, at least yet.

    With him it seems that there is a big gap between there he wants to be and wants to give impression he is, and there he is. And it is getting wider and it will be more and more difficult for him to uphold the image he wants to. His girlfriend getting enough and getting rid of him was something that was easy to predict. She is a college girl and he was starting to be a burden for her. His next girlfriend is likely to be more difficult child herself. And when his age group starts to graduate from college it will become more and more impossible for him to uphold this image he tries to do. I just hope that it is important enough for him to in some point actually start to go for those things in real, not just trying to keep image. When that point comes, it will be very important to remind him that he is still young, he has not lost things forever but can get back to that track. When he is 40 no one cares did he graduate from college when he was 22 or when he was 26. But first he has to admit his situation to himself and want change it. Or change his goals. He seems smart boy who is able to work hard, when he chooses. He can make a good life for himself without college. But first he has to get over of this playing pretence.
  17. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Two steps in the right direction, Sig. Crossing all things crossable!
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Ditto. DDD
  19. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Dear Sig,
    You have given your best to difficult child. I can't decide if this is a blessing or what. Life is hard and it gets harder when you are making stupid choices. When some of your mess is left out (school grades, tuition) it all piles up and then you are just left trapped. To see the forrest for the trees is hard. He took the avoidance path by staying with girlfriend and playing with her family. Now he has to face it again. I hope he faces it and cleans up. Their sence of reality is so distorted and the choices they make unrealistic when they have made such a mess.

    You are doing great. Of course you are angry again. All those feelings come rushing back in with every crisis no matter how hard we have worked to detatch and to give their lives over. I hope he sees this as a second chance and doesn't just avoid the "clean-up" yet again. ((Hugs))
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Thank you all for you wise words of wisdom and for being a strong shoulder on which to lean.

    So many things to think about. I was surprised at how H's recounting of his lunch with difficult child triggered my "Brother in Law" button. And not just the "brother in law" button but the difficult child is "full of baloney" button. I one hand I was horrified to feel that way. He's my SON. On the other hand, his story is not sitting right. She broke up with him out of nowhere (?), let him spend one last night and then woke difficult child up at 6am and said "it's morning, get out." I have to wonder what really went on the night (and nights) beforehand. Did he finally show the ugly side (which we saw so vividly over winter break) to his girlfriend and her family?

    Realize, I am musing over this not as means of stewing or obsessing but because I am trying to think REALISTICALLY. I reread a lot of my posts here and my journal and I know that we can't make him better. In fact, I had an entry about that last day home - H waking difficult child and telling him it was time to "get out" - sound familiar? I also had a pretty detailed entry about what the therapist advised us. Suffice to say -- none of my entries from January endorse the "just get him home, back under our roof, and we can FIX him...method"

    My poor husband is clueless as to what to do. Of course, I have been confiding in him for 8 months that I want him to "get our boy back." And I think he thought this would be the opportunity to make me whole and happy again. And he loves that boy so much and I think he lapped up every crumb of baloney difficult child dished out. And as we sat outside last night, I told him what I had written here. About difficult child sounding just like brother in law. About how I wasn't sure I believed that his boss and his girlfriend were the villains here. And I watched H's jaw harden, heard him start to defend difficult child and was immediately reminded of all the many times we struggled over h's brother. But of course that was easier. I saw right thru brother in law and H loved brother in law and desperately wanted to believe in him. But now it's our SON. And yes, I am bringing brother in law baggage to difficult child. And some of the behavior is a lot more excusable coming from a 20 y/o vs a 46 y/o. As I felt my H shut down to me a bit - I read him those journal entries and posts. The detailed ones about difficult child lying and pacing, and then demanding and blaming. About locking up the knives and taking turns staying awake his last, horrible night home. I read the entry about h driving difficult child & all his possessions to his girlfriend's house and difficult child asking H for the rent check, taking it and then giving H the finger in farewell. The advice that the therapist gave to both of us - including the fact that our 14 yo sat in the lobby during our appointment because we were AFRAID to leave him home alone until we were sure difficult child was back in his college town.

    H told me he thought that revisiting all of that would only make me upset. That I had been saying I want "difficult child back" so that I can be happy again. I had to explain to H that it's the "easy child" I want back and home -- not the man he has turned into. And that I don't want him home. I don't want to reset the cycle again. Sure, if he agreed to get massive help and was even slightly conciliatory - I would think about it. But he is none of those things. He "has a plan" and "just needs to get out of here" - neither of which address his real issues. Yes, he admits that "nothing is working out for him" but he is unable or unwilling to see that he is the cause of his problems. I told H I was rereading everything to REMIND me that difficult child is a difficult child and won't be cured by moving back home.

    Two years ago, my easy child's started the school year a bit eclipsed by difficult child's first year in college - then difficult child was assaulted and his dad and I were incredibly worried & stressed and traveling back and forth to his college town to get him treated. Last year, PC18 started his Senior year and PC15 his freshman year with a brother who had stormed out, denouncing the family and a mother who was a total, weepy basket case for months.

    They need peace. I need peace. It looks like H will be starting this new job (!) 9/4 and he needs to devote 100% of his attention to the incredible opportunity it offers.

    I want to save him. But I can't. I have to hope the day comes when he realizes he needs saving. And that he reaches out to us. As much as losing his girlfriend may be the wakeup call he needs - it also means he is losing his safety net. Same thing with his job. People who loved and cared about him are no longer a part of his life. And that leaves just his loser peers in his life. (his nice friends are out of touch) I just pray he survives the descent to bottom...