Thank you all for you wise words of wisdom and for being a strong shoulder on which to lean.
So many things to think about. I was surprised at how H's recounting of his lunch with difficult child triggered my "Brother in Law" button. And not just the "brother in law" button but the difficult child is "full of baloney" button. I one hand I was horrified to feel that way. He's my SON. On the other hand, his story is not sitting right. She broke up with him out of nowhere (?), let him spend one last night and then woke difficult child up at 6am and said "it's morning, get out." I have to wonder what really went on the night (and nights) beforehand. Did he finally show the ugly side (which we saw so vividly over winter break) to his girlfriend and her family?
Realize, I am musing over this not as means of stewing or obsessing but because I am trying to think REALISTICALLY. I reread a lot of my posts here and my journal and I know that we can't make him better. In fact, I had an entry about that last day home - H waking difficult child and telling him it was time to "get out" - sound familiar? I also had a pretty detailed entry about what the therapist advised us. Suffice to say -- none of my entries from January endorse the "just get him home, back under our roof, and we can FIX him...method"
My poor husband is clueless as to what to do. Of course, I have been confiding in him for 8 months that I want him to "get our boy back." And I think he thought this would be the opportunity to make me whole and happy again. And he loves that boy so much and I think he lapped up every crumb of baloney difficult child dished out. And as we sat outside last night, I told him what I had written here. About difficult child sounding just like brother in law. About how I wasn't sure I believed that his boss and his girlfriend were the villains here. And I watched H's jaw harden, heard him start to defend difficult child and was immediately reminded of all the many times we struggled over h's brother. But of course that was easier. I saw right thru brother in law and H loved brother in law and desperately wanted to believe in him. But now it's our SON. And yes, I am bringing brother in law baggage to difficult child. And some of the behavior is a lot more excusable coming from a 20 y/o vs a 46 y/o. As I felt my H shut down to me a bit - I read him those journal entries and posts. The detailed ones about difficult child lying and pacing, and then demanding and blaming. About locking up the knives and taking turns staying awake his last, horrible night home. I read the entry about h driving difficult child & all his possessions to his girlfriend's house and difficult child asking H for the rent check, taking it and then giving H the finger in farewell. The advice that the therapist gave to both of us - including the fact that our 14 yo sat in the lobby during our appointment because we were AFRAID to leave him home alone until we were sure difficult child was back in his college town.
H told me he thought that revisiting all of that would only make me upset. That I had been saying I want "difficult child back" so that I can be happy again. I had to explain to H that it's the "easy child" I want back and home -- not the man he has turned into. And that I don't want him home. I don't want to reset the cycle again. Sure, if he agreed to get massive help and was even slightly conciliatory - I would think about it. But he is none of those things. He "has a plan" and "just needs to get out of here" - neither of which address his real issues. Yes, he admits that "nothing is working out for him" but he is unable or unwilling to see that he is the cause of his problems. I told H I was rereading everything to REMIND me that difficult child is a difficult child and won't be cured by moving back home.
Two years ago, my easy child's started the school year a bit eclipsed by difficult child's first year in college - then difficult child was assaulted and his dad and I were incredibly worried & stressed and traveling back and forth to his college town to get him treated. Last year, PC18 started his Senior year and PC15 his freshman year with a brother who had stormed out, denouncing the family and a mother who was a total, weepy basket case for months.
They need peace. I need peace. It looks like H will be starting this new job (!) 9/4 and he needs to devote 100% of his attention to the incredible opportunity it offers.
I want to save him. But I can't. I have to hope the day comes when he realizes he needs saving. And that he reaches out to us. As much as losing his girlfriend may be the wakeup call he needs - it also means he is losing his safety net. Same thing with his job. People who loved and cared about him are no longer a part of his life. And that leaves just his loser peers in his life. (his nice friends are out of touch) I just pray he survives the descent to bottom...