having a hard time this past week

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peg2, May 19, 2011.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I'm having a hard time this week dealing with my situation(restraining order last year against my then 20 yr. old son). With Mothers Day and difficult child's 21st birthday last week, I miss him so much but know I did the right thing last year. My oldest sent difficult child a test message on his birthday that wished him a happy b-day and that we love him. I don't believe it got a response by my son, but he got it. It's too hard and all I can do is wait. My oldest texts him every so often with the name of a doctor to get treatment from.
    The waiting and I wonder if he will ever acknowledge he needs help.
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    No doubt that this has been very hard. If you felt you had to get a restraining order, no doubt you had very good reasons to do so. How long has your difficult child been gone? Was he the one who had a birthday? If so, did you also send a text message?
    In any case, I'm sure if your son was willing and able to act appropriately, you would be willing and able to have him back in your life. Good that his sibling (brother?) let him know of a doctor that he can go to. Hopefully not, but it might take him a long time to acknowledge that he needs help. In the mean time, as appropriate, let him know that you hope he will go to the doctor and that if you can afford it, you will help him pay for all or part of this cost. Try not to worry too much about what his next move will be. That is his choice. Free yourself. As best as you can, nurture yourself and other family members who wish to enjoy life to the fullest. Don't let this precious time go by without finding joy.
  3. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thanks, Nomad. He was been gone since Presidents Day weekend 2010; he was verbally abusing me and would call and text 70-80 times; he would not leave me alone(this went on for years). Yes, it is his 21st birthday and I can not contact him because of the rest. order, but my oldest son texts him. He is closing those doors as well though, because he started harassing him just like he did me. My oldest had to block his number as he was calling and texting 80, 90 times. Every so often he gives him the name of a doctor, but that is it. Nowhere near ready to even believe he has a disorder,
    It's hard right now, not much joy giong on here, wish I knew how to cope better.
    Thanks for your kind words.
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    peg 2,
    I hope you were able to have some happy moments with your other children on Mother's Day. Your older son is wonderful for sending your difficult child the name of a doctor every so often. Right now, you need to focus on doing things that you and the rest of the family find enjoyable. Go out with friends. Look into a support group. Just keep yourself busy. The more you are idle, the more you will think about your difficult child. I'm sure it is very difficult to even want to do things at times, but please, keep trying to.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It is very hard. Especially when special days during the year pop up, and sort of knock you over the head with it.

    I hope you were able to have a nice Mother's Day with the other children.

    You did what you had to do at the time. difficult child will probably come around eventually. In the meantime focus on yourself and the rest of the family as the others have said. It's thoughtful that your oldest son texts him every so often. Even if he doesn't want to acknowledge he needs treatment.......it shows you all are still thinking about him.

  6. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. This is so hard. We poured so much into our children and for things to end up this way where we have to keep them out of our lives is unnatural but soooo necessary. I agree with the responses to you about keeping busy, doing things for you, and enjoying those parts of your life that are pleasant. I find that is THE only way I can cope these days. I pray that you can find peace in the parts of your life that work well and give you joy
  7. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    When this was our situation, I would awaken from nightmarish dreams worried sick about our son. Or, I wouldn't be able to sleep, at all. I found repeating The Serenity Prayer helpful. As Suz told me when she suggested I use this technique, I read it over and over again until it worked.

    And it did work.

    I still use it sometimes.

    Other things that helped me were to set a place at the table for my son during Holiday gatherings with family. It was so painful not to know where he was or whether he had food or warm clothing. If we were hosting a large gathering, I set our son's place in our bedroom, where no one else would see it. It sounds so crazy, but it gave me comfort to do that. There were times when I would buy him cards, though I didn't have an address to send them to. I realize now that those cards, and those holiday placesettings, were a focus for the grief I felt. Once I had that focus, I could limit the feelings a little, and function in the world.

    Probably no one who hasn't been through this would understand how those things could give comfort.

    They got me through it, though.

    Another thing I would do is light candles for him. White ones. At Christmas, I got those electric candles you put in the window? To this day, I think of my son when I put them out.

    Here is the Serenity Prayer. It worked, for me.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    the Courage to change the things I can
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you and to your family.

    Know that I wish you well.

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I like Barbara have and keep the Serenity Prayer right here, in a medalion on my computer. I read it often, and it's words are a great comfort for just being words. I have lots of other prayers I say more personal, more needy, but this one just seems to give me peace and enlightment.

    Oddly enough? I have a small box full of cards too. Birthday, Christmas, I filled them out, wrote in them -and sealed them. When I did know where my son was I considered sending them. They're still here. I think the words were for that time, and will probably just stay in that time. As far as a place setting? Well, for me /us? That has to be the hardest because of loosing children. So I wasn't quite able to go that route, but I think it's a lovely idea. Actually? I think however you can cope without allowing yourself to be consumed with guilt is a good thing. Realizing, and truly believing that you did the best you could and being okay with the fact that you have a child who has a mental illness and there is nothing you could have done different, better, more, no matter what the thing in the back of your mind says - is the way to stay sane. No one knows for sure what the other has had to endure. So comparing yourself to someone else who seems strong and able? Isnt' really fair. To say "I wish I were as strong as you." You would have to have lived their life, had their complete list of struggles, and survived everything they did to be as strong as they are - Since you are you? You really can't keep sizing yourself up to anyone except yourself, and then? You have to say "I really am the strongest person for this job, look what I've accomplished, no one else could have done this job like I did." Because no one else was you.

    I'm hoping you understand what I'm telling you. To have a son that you haven't seen in over a year, had endured his madness, gotten a restraining order, worried about him, missed him on all holidays and wonder about him still? That's being awfully tough on yourself. Instead, know that you have a son who has problems, there is help for him, but he has to come to the realization that you were right and were trying to help him but he has to want the help, he's pushed his family so far that they had to take legal measures so that should have told him something about where he really is in needing help and go for it -yet still refuses, and could have gone home anytime to see his family but he has got to get himself help - he could do and change all these things but it's a choice he needs to make for himself. keep telling yourself that - It's HIS choice. He could make it very easy on everyone, and chooses not to - not because he can't - because he doesn't. There is always hope. I know there is. My son is 21 and we finally have a relationship I thought we would never have but we hardly spoke for years - when we did? It really wasn't nice.

    Sending you hugs & Love