He is Ramping up Please give me Strenght.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Oct 21, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Difficult Child AS is really ramping up. Not that it is preventing him from partying and staying out all night and couch surfing.
    Says we are giving up on him too soon. He wants to do probation and community service diversion with out patient rehab. He wants to continue with school and by us putting him out we are ruining his life.
    Out patient rehab has done nothing for him. He is failing at school and does not attend regularly enough to succeed. If he approaches probation and community service the way he has approached school and bail, this will be short lived.
    The FOG and gaslighting are getting to me. I don’t know if I am going to have the strength it will take to not fold and let him back home. I need to I find the strength not to let him come back home.
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  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    How did he do at home? Thats how he will again do at home. He is a drug addict. They make promises all the time. Your son is very clearly NOT going to quit drugs right now. No motivation. Without that first step, HE is ruining his life. They always are very cunning about making us feel guilty about their unwillingness to quit using drugs. Thats their way of getting what they want...lying, gaslighting, guilt producing.
    He is not going to be productive until he quits drugs. The Canadian system of harm reduction is in my opinion useless. As long as one takes drugs and hangs wirh druggies they are in harm's way and not going to succeed.
    You cant give up or not give up on him. Only he can give up or not give up on himself and drug users do not care about the feelings of anyone while they are using. They care only about continuing the destructive lifestyle from the warmth and comfort of your home...and dont follow rules when they are there. They lie, cheat, steal. Steal. From their parents who love them. And then they lie about it when caught or blame us!

    Even rehab cant help them until they want to be helped. This is a sad fact. We work so hard to get them there, but its still no guarantee, but it is a step in the right direction

    You have done all you can. Dont read his texts that often. Maybe once a week. Or not at all. He is gaslighting you. You need a break from his nonsense in your head. And it IS nonsense. Does he ever text,"How are YOU doing, Mom?"
    Be good to yourself. Son is playing mind games.
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    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Agree with SWOT. Bringing him back home will only delay what he needs to face which is the consequences of his choices. It would be harmful to you both---he for continuing on as he is and you for your own mental health. Nothing changes until something changes....you have changed. He will follow on his own time line. In the meantime be kind to yourself. This is so very very hard but you can do it. Hugs!!!!
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  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am right there with you Little. My son is saying and doing the same things as your son. I have fallen for it in the past. I wound up doubling down on "helping" him. His royal highness did nothing to help himself. He lied, bargined, stole, and laughed behind my back at his "stupid" mother.

    Swot is absolutely right. Give yourself space from his ludicrous reasoning. It is all designed to make you second guess yourself. DON'T
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    You are all 100% correct. Thank you for the strength and wisdom. God know I need it right now.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    LBL, breathe.
    It is NOT the end of the world, or the story.
    This is the hardest part where you feel whipped and defeated, but you are not.
    YOU are your sons hero.
    Though it doesn't feel that way, and he would not say it, you are.
    You have taken the most courageous step in the game.
    You have said ENOUGH!
    Oh how I feel for you and your aching Mommas heart, but our hearts do become treacherous at times, letting our emotions drive us.
    It is crazy making.
    This is the time where you have to get a hold of yourself and understand that this ramping up is the drugs driving the bus.
    HIS BUS.
    You are ruining his life? REALLY? You are ruining the ease of his partying! You are making it harder for him to continue as is. GOOD!
    Concentrate on this, he is still doing exactly what got him into trouble in the first place.
    This is on him, not you.
    Our d c's in the throes of addiction are extremely clever and manipulative.
    They are heart and mind readers and instinctively know how to push our buttons, to put us in such a state of desperation that we don't know which way to turn.
    He is showing you through his actions that he has no intention of changing at this time.
    He is continuing as is.
    He is using your broken heart against you.
    It is insidious, cruel and hurtful.
    You are smarter than that.
    He is reaching into that bag of tricks.
    So, you must find something, anything to help you build your toolbox.
    Music helps me.
    My theme song this week has been "Stop Dragging My Heart Around"
    Find a quote that inspires you
    Here is one that helps me

    Look up the stages of grief and understand exactly what you are going through.

    Find a champion, a mentor who you can turn to to give you strength. Mine is my Dad and Mom, understanding that they would never, ever let anyone of us kids mistreat them. "OUT you go!" is what they would say. In those days, things were so different, respect was first and foremost.
    They had the self worth and respect for their right to live in a peaceful home.

    That is not selfish, that is self respect.

    Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and dig yourself out of the quicksand.
    If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son.
    Understand that by putting him out of your house you have said no more, no mas.
    You are not allowing this insanity in your home.

    You will not help him to continue as is.

    The more he ramps it up and persists at his tantrum throwing, demanding his own way- is more evidence that he is status quo and YOU have done the right thing.
    YOU have done the best thing for him.
    You are making it harder for him to continue as is and he HATES it!
    He is not comfortable.
    As long as he is uncomfortable, he has to look at himself in the mirror.
    He will squirm and whine and try to manipulate his way back, he will pull everything out of his bag of tricks to make YOU feel miserable.
    These are HIS choices that put him where he is.

    You have every reason to shift from feeling weak to becoming righteously indignant.
    Rather than a moth to the flame,
    visualize every rant, every blow, as the hammer coming down, strengthening your armor.

    He wants you to lament and feel desolate, because in this state, we cannot make good decisions and our judgement is skewed.
    This is how drugs drive the bus and we become unwitting passengers.

    Get off the bus.

    Find a way to get away from the ordeal, give your heart and mind a break.

    Put on some music that inspires you.
    Go to your place of comfort.
    Take a drive.
    Go to the forrest, or beach, or anywhere that gives you peace.
    Call to a higher power, if that is your way.

    You can do this LBL and we are all right here with you.
    Breathe and find a way to take care of yourself.
    One step at a time.
    You've got this.


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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    This is my inspiration and you are right!!

    I am gaining strength to move forward but by bit hour by hour. This week is going to be a rough week. I will overcome.

    I have such excellent support here thank all of you!
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Leafy, Your post has hit a cord for me today.
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i agree.

    stop reading/responding to texts or phone calls. do not let him come near you.

    you make the rules: com would only take her son's calls once a week during an hour window.

    son wants this: my house (yours), my rules for my life. and screw how it affects you.

    uhh. excuse me.

    is this good for him, let alone you?

    are you willing to cede control of your life and psyche and home to a just 18 drug addict and dealer who is out of control and power-drunk?

    is this how you see your role as parent? of course not. read your posts. you don't need ours. you have already written the guidebook.

    turn off your phone and give it to your husband. if son is in the house make him leave. don't let him back.

    what he does now is not your business. clearly he feels confident and able to meet his needs and priorities. let him. get out of his way. you have no control. you are not responsible for his choices. only your own.

    you are doing this. you are doing the right thing.

    ps you are not giving up on him. you are giving him a chance.
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    we teach these sons of ours the magic words: whenever my son wants something he utters: college, medicine and dr. xxx. abracadabra. your son: school. abracadabra.

    that's all this is. son believes he has magic powers over you. you are showing him he does not.

    it is very hard. lately when my son mentions college i get mad.
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  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yes Copa. It is ABRACADABRA to the 10th power.
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You know Pasa and LBL, as I post here, I reflect on my own situation and what I need to do to carry on.
    I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive.
    I see myself in all of these posts, all of these struggles. As much as I write here, I am writing to myself as well, reaffirming that I have traveled this road and done just about everything I could to try and try and try.
    Been there, done that.
    Made plenty mistakes along the way. But, I have to forgive myself.

    It has been a long hard road with many lessons.

    What I am learning is to look for signs of change in my two.

    Each time they reach into their bag of tricks, it is a message to me that they are continuing as is.
    I have my days when my armor is weak and the whole craziness of it gets to me.
    We are only human.
    What I have learned is that I am not the one to "help" my two.
    There are those brave warriors who have been able to get their d c's to rehab, but my two have not been in a place to even admit they have a problem.
    They use and abuse whatever I would have to offer.
    I am tired of being bashed, blamed, house broken in to and stolen from.
    There is help out there for them, if they so choose.

    Each and every time, I fell for the "I want to come home" plea, for a few days there was a glimmer of hope that things would be different, then WHAM, the same old same old set in, and I would feel like such a fool.
    I have had to tell them no, several times, and each time, I feel a bit less miserable.
    It isn't an easy trail that any of us is on and we are all at different stages, with different circumstances.

    One resounding theme is that as long as our d cs are using, they will use us.
    What helps me is to keep repeating to myself that for now, drugs have a hold on my two and I shall not let them have a hold on me.

    This does not mean that I have given up on them. I have given in to the notion that I have any control or any power over them to make better choices.
    I am not their rescuer.
    They must rescue themselves, and they do have the power to do so.

    I don't want to offend anyone who has differing beliefs, but I have to say that what has been my strength and go to, is prayer. I pray for my two to find their way every day. I gave them over to God, because they were only on loan to me in the first place. Their souls belong to Him. It may seem a cop out, but I see it as a problem that is WAY bigger than me and WAY more than I can handle. It is what has been able to help me carry on, and in times of hardship and hurt helped me find a way through.

    Posting here on CD has been an amazing help, as well as receiving the love, kindness and understanding that flows from the awesome warriors here.

    We have learned in raising our children, to sacrifice ourselves, our very bodies in carrying them, our time. We have loved them wholeheartedly and completely. We have made mistakes, for sure, there is no perfect parenting.

    That is the hard part in all of this, to cut those apron strings and to let go. To not allow our d cs guilt us into feeling that it is by our mistakes that they ended up where they are.
    It is their choices that led them to where they are.
    My monkeys, but so not my circus.

    In my circumstance, to hold on to the notion that I must continue to sacrifice the sanctity of my home, lose my self worth, is to let drugs win.
    Drugs are winning with my two right now,
    it is repugnant and unacceptable to allow them to win over me.
    If I lay down my life in despair and depression, drugs win.
    If I lose hope that my two shall break free of drugs grasp-
    drugs win.
    If I feel that I cannot attain joy as long as my two remain drugnapped, drugs win.

    So, I climb the mountain of this, one day at a time, some days, one moment at a time. I trip, slip and falter, but I must get up and keep pushing, keep going.

    I am thankful to each and every one of you for your help along the way.

    LBL, you have helped me by your honesty in sharing your grief, hardship and courage. I was right where you are, many, many times. Pasa you too.

    Guys, all of you have helped me in so many ways.

    LBL, you can do this.

    We can all do this.
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh how I do hold on to this dream to Thrive! Today this hour this minute I need to survive.

    I forgive myself. But I FOG myself. I ask is he really that bad? Is it just me are we giving up too soon. Thank you for reminding me we are not giving up we are providing him the ultimate opportunity and love.

    The glimmer it’s such a gaslight for me!

    Oh leafy this is a powerful statement.

    Yes. He is my monkey. I weep when I witness this. I do not need his whole circus! Just my monkey. I hope and as long as he lives I will hope.

    I often write to myself here to prevent me from engaging my Difficult Child and caving against my better judgement.

    I thank you all for your love, toerlance and support!
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  14. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Just as you expected him to.
    He's been ignoring your rules and expectations for months now, and he knew this day was coming and continued to do it anyway.
    He did not meet his probation requirements, did not participate in rehab, and did not go to school when he had the benefit of your home and your supervision. Why would he think anything would change if you let him return to the same environment?

    My suggestion is to make a chronological list of all the times you've helped and what he did with those chances, then decide if anything is really different this time.

    Sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself that it is easy for me to talk tough when it is not my child.

    Also, I hesitate to post good news, because I have parental PTSD where son is concerned and don't want to "jinx" things.


    I believe that the *ONLY* reason my son is doing well presently is because he painted himself into a corner where his only choice was to sober up or go to prison.

    My list of times we helped runs 20+ pages, but the only thing that gave him pause is the boot over his head.

    Now that his thoughts are starting to clear (4+ months in) he's finding other motivation, but without that boot, he never would have even started. He says the same thing (and admits that even then it was iffy for the first month or so).

    So I'm 100% with Leafy on this one. He's scared? GOOD. It's about time his choices started costing HIM some peace of mind for a change. He NEEDS to be scared. He NEEDS to be confronted full face with the consequences of his choices. He NEEDS to be rocked back on his heels and see and feel for himself that life as an addict is not fun at all.

    Your son is well on his way to handing the addict the keys to the castle, LBL. Any help you give your son by way of improving his circumstances is only going to prolong and strengthen the addict's stranglehold by giving him a safe place to get high, and the only thing that will have been accomplished is that you will have weakened your authority.
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you so much Albi. It is soxteri my hard and yes sometime the hardest thing is the right thing to do.
  16. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member


    Thinking of you.....
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Every time you feel yourself falter and want to give in and let him stay, imagine him in the comfort of your home. With the drug needle in his arm. Dead from the overdose.

    Why? Because all you will do by allowing him to stay in the nice warm comfortable home you provide, with the food and the television and all the luxuries, is to give him easier access to the drugs that will kill him. He won't have to struggle to pay for food, or shelter. He will have all the money he steals from your purse or accounts or gets from pawning things he stole from you. He will use use every cent of that to buy drugs and every single time he gets high he runs the risk of killing himself.

    So you keep that image in your head. Your most precious son, dead in your comfortable home.

    Ask yourself how that is reducing harm in ANY way? Then scoot your son out of your house to go and live with the choices he is making. When he has to live with the reality of his choices, he has a far greater likelihood of actually wanting to get clean.

    Oh, when he starts promising school and expecting that to be ABRACADABRA? Tell him that you want him to prove it to you. Show you a semester of school with perfect attendance and good grades and no drug use, and then you will DISCUSS him coming home. Not that he can come home, that you will DISCUSS it. He has promised so much and not followed through for so long, now he has to put his money where his mouth is before you will do anything.
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  18. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Susi. That is a very good image to help haul my guilt the heck away from the plan. I am doing this because I love him. He does not see this but some day he might.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i agree with susie.

    if he experiences the consequences of his actions -- there is the possibility that his choosing muscle will bulk up. he will have direct , immediate, up front data on the basis of feelings and reality from each choice, good or bad.

    i believe good choices beget more good choices. and the reverse is true too.

    you are supporting him to make better choices.
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  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I agree Copa. My heart is still battling with my brain. My courage and resolve are stronger and support my brain. Doing what is right is not always easy.
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