Help Please I'm shaking!

[morningcuppa]

Thank you thank you

I've had a cuppa (tea is a cure all for us Brits!)and am feeling a bit better.
It was a horrible evening and I hope things will improve. I photographed the damage and he will pay for it.When I am old (if I make it) I will go round his house and smash holes in the wall, take food out of his freezer and leave the door open, and demand to be driven to the old peoples club!

 

[everywoman]

Rofl---"demand to be drive to the old peoples club." I often imagine ways I could pay back my difficult child for all he's done---it does help me laugh my way through the situations he creates.

 

[morningcuppa]

If he refuses to drive me to the old peoples club I'll scream "I HATE YOU YOU'RE RUNINING MY LIFE" Then I'll throw my false teeth at him and storm out slamming the door!

I don't really feel like laughing though. My head hurts. My blood pressure has been up lately. Am I surprised?
Thank you all you kind supportive folks. X

 

[goldenguru]

You did good. You did the right thing. You showed him that there are consequences for his inappropriate language and behavior.

Let's pray he thinks long and hard about the line you have drawn in the sand.

 

[morningcuppa]

Here in the UK it is nearly half past midnight so I will try to get some sleep. Thanks for helping me tonight. Take care X

 

[TerryJ2]

You've gotten some good comments here.
You did a good job.
I agree with-the photo, so you can prove the damage that he will have to pay for (when things calm down).
SO sorry.

 

[TerryJ2]

When I am old (if I make it) I will go round his house and smash holes in the wall, take food out of his freezer and leave the door open, and demand to be driven to the old peoples club!

:rofl:

 

[susiestar]

I can say you have earned a night's sleep in peace. I love the idea of going to his house and being demanding and unreasonable. I am pretty sure it is what my mother has in mind for me (eek!)

As the younger sib of a difficult child, and parent of another difficult child, I have heard the "I hate you" "Yoo will have to ID my cold dead body." and many others, so very many other horrible things. All said in order to try to make someone do something.

It makes for a much more peaceful life when you stop allowing yourself to be treated that way. It may mean he has to move out, live with friends, or find his own way. But at 22 he is old enough to go his own way. He is also old enough that you do him no favors by giving in to him, by letting him treat you worse than an animal, or by coddling him.

You did a good thing! Keep it up!

Susie

 

[Hound dog]

There is always the chance your difficult child will have a difficult child of his own someday. :future:

Nichole has a mini version of herself in Aubrey. I already see it. It's like someone cloned my daughter.

So when I see Aubrey doing things Nichole did, and Nichole gets so frustrated..... I just chuckle and tell her welcome to my world. :rofl:

 

[morningcuppa]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Daisylover</div><div class="ubbcode-body">There is always the chance your difficult child will have a difficult child of his own someday. :future:

</div></div>

Yikes what a thought! As long as he doesn't expect me to baby sit it would serve him right.

difficult child came home very late last night. I don't know what today will bring.

 

[BusynMember]

Here's another perspective. Maybe hs's jealous of his brother because he's normal. I used to pick on my little sister nonstop because I was so jealous that she seemed normal and had lots of friends. That did end when I was eighteen--I decided I wanted to be friends with her--but it was the reason I picked on her early on. She was the "good" kid and I was the "bad" kid. So that may be why he is picking on his brother.
However, he is twenty-two and should have to pay for the damage to your house. Is he still living at home? I'd seriously look into alternatives for him, then lay them out to him. If he doesn't listen to your rules, at his age I wouldn't let him live with the rest of the family. It's harsh, but sometimes it's the only thing that works. And when they're big and strong and violent (and punching a wall is scary for everyone) then in my opinion they get serious help, follow the rules, or do it on their own. He can ride his bike around town. It's good exercise. Now I don't know the whole story, but from this post this is what I get from it. And good luck!

 

[morningcuppa]

Yes I do believe there is a bit of jealousy going on but we have always gone out of our way to make sure difficult child gets lots of praise and encouragement. We have never given him less love or attention. It just seems that when he can't get his own way he explodes and now he is big it is terrifying! When he was young he did it too. Then he'd accuse of of not loving him etc all the usual manipulative stuff. When he gets his own way he can be a charmer but not if you try to stand up to him. I'm sick of the way he treats us. If we treated him the same way he would really have someting to complain about!
Younger brother used to admire and look up to him but not any more.

He's gone to work now. I wonder what mood he will be in when he returns.

 

[goldenguru]

cuppa~

Out of curiosity ... did he come home last night or did he stay out of the home for the night? Have you talked to him since his tirade?

Hopefully he comes home from work with his hat in his hand and ready to apologize.

 

[morningcuppa]

Thank you friends for your continued support and concern.

He came home last night. I heard him come in in the very early hours but did not want to confront him so I stayed in bed. He was still in bed when I left for work this morning and now I have come home for lunch. (Got a dog to let in the garden) He is not here now so I have not spoken to him since the incident. I hope he apologises but this has happened many times before(not quite as bad though) and no doubt it will happen again with him being sorry afterwards. However the damage is done. Not just to our wall - that can be fixed, but to our hearts. I don't think they will mend.

 

[jbrain]

Hi,
my older dtr was very jealous of the younger dtr right from the get go. It didn't help that younger dtr played her role of "perfect child" very well for many years either! So, like Midwest Mom we had the bad girl and the good girl. Eventually, I came to the realization that the older one had to move out and could never return (she was 18) because she had so much effect on the younger one. She had been abusive to her when they were younger and I didn't know it (I knew she wasn't nice but didn't know she was actually abusive). The younger dtr couldn't make any progress in therapy til the older one was out. It felt so good to me to feel like my blinders were finally off--I realized younger dtr had to take priority. I had been so consumed with the older one's problems and trying to help her that I just left younger dtr to fend for herself. When I decided that younger dtr would be the priority it gave me the strength to let go of the older one and lo and behold it was the best thing I could have done for all of us. The older one actually took control of her life now that I was done helping and the younger one was able to start healing now that she knew she had a stable environment and that older dtr would not be coming back to live, ever.

Your son is 22--he needs to be gone, for all of your sakes, and maybe most importantly for his own!

Jane

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I wonder why you let him back in the house in the first place. I know you were in bed when he entered...surely there was a way you could have locked the door so that he could have not gained entry.

He needs to know that what he did was not OK. For him to be able to leave the house, cool off until it suits him, then return at his leisure, sends him the message that he can continue to treat you and your son the same way. Heck, it sends him the message that he RUNS the house!

You said that you wonder what today will bring. YOU need to take charge. YOU can decide what today brings. My advice is to decide that he needs to leave YOUR house (and pay for his damages). For you and your younger (and VERY impressionable) son.

 

[morningcuppa]

Facing him when he may have been drunk was not something I wanted to do last night but I do take your point.

He will sign a blank cheque when he returns home to pay for the damages.

He sent a text asking if his girlfriend can stay over tonight! It's as if nothing happened!!!! What a nerve!

No she can't!!! He needs to go. Perhaps they can go together!

 

[morningcuppa]

He just came back for another showdown. I said if he stays its on my terms but he didn't want to hear them. I said even if he agreed to them no one stays until the damage has been repaired and he pays for it. He yells I don't care about him. Blames me for everything and he should have killed himself last night like he planned. I wind him up and don't understand him. Always favour the younger son etc.. Broke my rubbish bin too. I'll add it to the cheque.

He's stormed off again.
Happy days

 

[meowbunny]

It is time for a serious talk with your son. Give him some very concrete rules and the consequences when said rules are broken. If a consequence of any further violence is leaving home, do remember it doesn't have to be permanent but you do have to follow through.

How much importance does your son place on money? If so, you might try implementing a money jar for whenever he is rude to you or his brother, curses in the home, slams a door, whatever.

For my daughter, money is a big deal. For awhile, she was cursing constantly. I finally instituted a rule that every curse word said around me had a value since I was forced to hear language I truly did not like. Different words had different values. (For me, strangely enough, the F word was not as high on the list as God anything.) I heard a word and my money jar was immediately out for the fine. If the refused to pay, I refused to feed her or do anything whatsoever for her until all funds owed were paid. It took about 2 months, but she did stop the cursing and I ended up with a very lovely day at the spa.

Violence is another issue. That should not be tolerated even for a second. When my daughter was 18, she shoved me into a wall. She had been warned that the next time she touched me in anger she would be living elsewhere. I packed her stuff, helped her find a friend she could live with for a short while and took her over there. She stayed out of the house for 3 months. When she came back it was with the understanding that this was her last chance regarding violence. She has never raised her hand to me since.

So, decide what are appropriate behaviors that and what behaviors you want curtailed. Decide what you feel are appropriate consequences. Once you've done this, sit your not-so-dear son down and tell him (1) this is not a debate or discussion, (2) he is to sit and listen, (3) this is exactly what is going to happen from hereon and give him the new house rules and consequences, (4) if he doesn't like it, he can find somewhere new to live, (5) he has 24 hours to decide if he will follow your rules, (6) if he chooses not to, he has 48 hours to find a new place to live.

He's not going to change overnight but if he cares, he will make a true effort to follow your rules. Yes, he'll foul up at times and he'll argue and be mean but, hopefully, he'll quit some of his behavior, his violence will stop and you'll be a little less fearful in your own home. It won't be easy, but it is doable.

 

[morningcuppa]

Thanks meowbunny thats good advice. I have given him a written list of rules for staying the consequences for breaking them. (Out you go!) He had 24 hours to decide. He read them very meekly and agreed to them all.

Maybe we can live together peacefully. We'll see.....