Is It Appropriate To Send A Card?


Roll With It
I just saw on facebook that my childhood best friend's father died 2 weeks ago. She didn't make a big deal about it, nor did her brother. Under normal circumstances of course I would send a note.

We have not communicated in a very long time. I stopped reaching out because the ONLY time she communicated was either in some mass email that was incredibly preachy to convert me to her religion of the month or else it was just something ugly influenced by her first husband. He really hated me because he had an affair and she turned to me when she found out. I told her that no matter what she wanted to do, I would support her. I did NOT tell her to leave, I did not tell her to stay. I told her that it wasn't my marriage or life, or my kids, and I couldn't make that choice. I did tell him that he was an :censored2: who was ruining the best thing he ever had or would have. I also told him that if they worked things out, then I was cool with him. I later helped him through a MAJOR crisis with his father. He cried like a baby on the phone with me when he found out his father scammed him and ruined his credit and his good name and he had to press charges. I even told him it didn't mean his dad was a bad person, it meant his dad had an addiction, a sickness.

Somehow I became the bad person in all of this. All of their drama became my fault. We lived in different states so I wasn't there on a daily basis and I was easy to blame. I got some drama filled calls full of "how could you do this to us" somehow making it my fault that they pressed charges and that their marriage was falling apart again. I was their scapegoat. I don't know how or why. All I ever did was encourage them to talk to each other, and ask how they felt. I never did anything but listen. I didn't even try to guide them in any direction other than to see a counselor because I sure as sugar didn't have any skills to help them. I did try to help them see his dad as someone who was sick rather than evil, but other than that I just listened. I guess that was wrong.

Anyway, given all this, my oldest friendship ended with very ugly screaming phone calls. After about four of those, all made while my friend was drunk, I only ever heard from her on preachy emails or facebook things trying to convert me to her religion or diet or religious diet.

I do check her facebook each year around her birthday. That is how I saw the post about her dad. I still love her family. I have known them all since I was an infant, I literally have known them all my life. Checking on them once a year is my way of staying connected to my childhood I guess. Even if I can't have that friendship.

Do you think she would want to hear from me now? I found the school where she works. Actually I could find her address at home, but that seems stalkerish. I would rather send it to her school. Do you think it would be appropriate to send a card to her school saying how sorry I am? She has divorced and remarried, and seems much happier from what I can tell. That pinched look around her eyes is gone, and she has laugh lines now, which makes me so happy for her.

So do I send a card or stay away?

Do I also include a card for her to forward to her mother? Her mother is alive but I don't know where she lives. I love her mother but lost that relationship too. I know this will have devastated her mother - she was a very happy homemaker, the June Cleaver type, for her entire life.


Well-Known Member
Sending a sympathy card is always appropriate. I would choose a very simple card (non-religious) signed with a generic "sorry for loss" type note. I would not write any other message. It is not an invitation for her to bring up the past or to renew a friendship. You would be taking the high road.


Well-Known Member
I agree. A note telling her how very sorry you are for her loss and that you always thought her father was a wonderful man, could she send the condolences on to her mother, etc., is sweet and heartfelt, without bringing up the past or opening doors.


Well-Known Member
A nice card with a message of sympathy would be a kind gesture towards someone you know is hurting. You have good memories of time spent with her family, and yes, I would say a card would be appropriate.


Roll With It
In the middle of the night I left a message on her facebook saying I had just heard and was sorry, that he was a great man and would be missed. I am crying because for some reason I checked for a response and she actually responded with something positive. This is the first positive personal response in fifteen years. I am going to get a card sent tomorrow, but won't otherwise hold my breath for a relationship. I was just so sad to hear about her dad. I have missed her family so much over the years, like missing another set of parents and my other little brother. But I knew that she would lose her mind if they stayed in contact with me, and I don't like those power games. So mostly I just don't play them. I just opt out when someone goes crazy on me.

Thanks you everyone