jealous jealous pants on fire Lolol

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Aug 31, 2017.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I have moved...same state, different city. By coincidence, a friend of mine who I've had some odd issues with did the same. They moved to a city only an hour or so away.

    They have had heavy duty problems the last seven years or so. Overspending, arguments with relatives, legal issues, loss of job. Throughout most of this interestingly, they act like they are better than us and just about everybody. I've mentioned here that perhaps it is a cultural/class phenomena.

    They are restructuring their lives in ways profoundly similar to ours . Hmmm. It feels weird. No compliments. Just blatant copying.i suppose it's a hidden compliment of sorts.

    Now she is insisting on visiting our house this weekend. I haven't invited her. I am trying to pull away a little. I did plan on having a party down the road and invite them at that time.

    This is the second person to do this. Others just wait for an invitation. Or try to be helpful in some way.

    I've noticed that the two people who have "issues" just want to see and likely compare. The first one is a distant relative.

    BUT to my surprise person number one (distant relative) offered to be of help and I found that very nice and I've invited her over.

    This other gal I just don't feel that way. They are about to make an offer on a home. I suppose it's more comparison stuff.

    This person (odd friend) actually got jealous when our previous home was burglarized ... blurting out "I suppose now you are going to make a ton of insurance money!" Wth? We were dreadfully under insured, lost money and traumatized by the experience. What kind of weird, inappropriate comment was that?

    My husband is frustrated with the distant relative but more or less ok. He is furious with odd friend due to a boat load of odd behaviors...some might be considered rude... the last few years.

    Now I'm questioning myself.

    Maybe I have issues saying NO!?!?! Maybe it's not a big deal when people are jealous. Or should adults not be jealous? If they are, should they be mature enough to deal with it more appropriately?

    Once again...thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

    I think I'm telling odd friend NO
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Two thoughts come to mind. What other people think of you is none of your business. And perhaps tell odd friend now is not a good time for company. Tell them you will invite them when you are more settled. Your house your rules.
    Good luck.
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My take on it Nomad, based of course on my own experience, (so please take it or leave it)........ is that I've found over the years that as I heal/grow/evolve, quite a few relationships don't grow along with me. After some soul searching, I let them go. Simply put, energetically the connection no longer works, we are not on the same wave length anymore. What was once, perhaps, enjoyable and connected, is now unenjoyable and disconnected. I once read in a spiritual book something which stuck with me, it basically said that as we grow, we must "continuously weed our spiritual garden." That simplified it for me.

    What does this connection offer you? Jealously to me is toxic. Perhaps a bit of envy is typical, but when it evolves to jealousy and it becomes so obvious, it is destructive. I would distance myself from that energy.

    Recently, I made a commitment to myself to be more kind and compassion to myself, it was a big deal to me .....as I began viewing all of my connections through that lens, it became apparent where I wanted to be and where I didn't. I see this kind of thing as a life lesson where I choose what I want around me......Interestingly, as I have let go of quite a few former friends.....new friends have entered my life who fit the "new me" and offer that kindness and compassion. It's been a real blessing too.

    These folks in your life sound more like distant acquaintances rather than true friends.
     
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  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Geeeez. Both replies truly excellent!!!!!

    Big big thank you's!!!
     
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  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    It's your house. It's your life. Only include those people you want to be part of those things.

    My mom is a people pleaser and had a hard time saying NO. I've given her an all-purpose response for those times when she wants to say NO but feels she "shouldn't" say NO ..."I'm so sorry, but I'm simplifying my life right now, and because of that, I'm not (fill in the blank)."
     
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  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Needed to hear all of this today. ❣️
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I 100% agree with Recovering.

    2017 is the year of ME. I have had to this for my marriage, and my own mental health and well being to compensate for all of the stress Difficult Child has put us under for the past several years.

    I reconnected with a high school acquaintance three years ago on Facebook. She contacted me, we had lunch and hit it off. She realized by seeing posts that we had condos in the same town in Florida. I was super delighted with finding a new friend at this age because let's face it, it does get a bit harder as we get older and not as open to people entering our lives. My husband, who is not a people person at all, and her husband got along well initially and to make a long story short, things got "uncomfortable" as time went on.

    Long story short, the friendship ended recently in disaster. Basically she took my easygoing nature as a way to try to manipulate me and make me feel ways that no one that is a friend would make you feel. Doing this knowing the tremendous stress I have been under with our son to suit herself. I walked away from it all because if someone thinks they are in the right there isn't much you can do. I never discussed why I am now distant and will remain so but I am done with it. Friendship should not cause you stress. I have friends I've had for 40 years and have never experienced that with these ladies.

    To me it sounds like this person may be someone you would not want in your inner circle.
     
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  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    RN.... that sounded very difficult (hugs) and there certainly are some similarities.

    It has hit me like a ton of bricks how many times they have almost panicked when something good happened to us. And how they almost rejoiced when we had grief including difficult child stuff.

    I wish I was exaggerating. I'm not at all. Not even a little.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A friend is someone you choose to be with because you enjoy the person and the person enjoys you.

    Family is DNA, but I see it as exactly the same.

    If we dont enjoy being around somebody, to me this is not friendship or family. It should not be difficult, uncomfortable or plain unpleasant to be around anyone you honor with the label of "friend."
     
  10. Amity

    Amity New Member

    Wow Nomad been there often myself. Not exactly mind you but in general.
    Each time it happens I worry how people will see me, how cold I'm seeming, how ugly my dismissive my behavior is. It is quite hard to get people to see what you do, or to know that what's best for you might not be them.

    Example my ex wanted to hang out. Everything in me wants to say no thank you.
    Even though we have kids together when he is around I disappear as if I'm not really here. He really just wants to come over to get a boost. Everyone drops what they are doing to give him attention. He talks only about himself, sulks/looking for a pick me up, if you talk about yourself, kids or other he jumps on his phone and plays candy crush. Always says how tired he is and if asked to help in any way he mentions how he has to get going.
    So I get it. I have no advice as I'm not one that does well with saying no. When I do I'm the bad person.
    I am just jumping on to say yuck
    AND if you find a nice way to get what you need for you, please share your wisdom.
     
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  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Just went through my old posts. I've talked about friendship difficulties...the great majority of the posts and possibly all of them are re THESE same people. For those of you that might recall me posting about difficult friends in the past...it's basically these same folks. It has been a terrible 3-5 years. Over the top.
     
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nomad, I am a big fan of Dr. Brene' Brown, who is a shame/vulnerability/courage/authenticity researcher. I was listening to her TED talks once again(they're really good) and this excerpt from an interview with Oprah seems like it may offer more insight. It helped me to identify the kind of empathy and love I want to have in my friendships.

     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2017
  13. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Nomad,

    I am coming over tomorrow, bringing 8 kids, 3 dogs and cat. Practice on me.

    " No, Pigless. My house is too small for kids. We have no yard. I am allergic to dogs. I am afraid of cats. No. No. No. ":please:
     
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Nomad, nice to see you. I have some friends who just want to see and get ideas for their own home. It's not jealous or underhanded. Just wanting to see and learn. Curiosity? Part of it is because we move frequently and live in different sort of houses in each state. If I feel there is a negativity to someone's comments, I am guarded and very leary. I don't make them part of my life. I am happy to use the excuse of other activities or previous obligations to control who I let into my haven, my home.