Just that quick

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Seeking Peace, Feb 18, 2016.

  1. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Went under Difficult Child's bio dad's family member page and saw where they had commented about how hard and hurtful Difficult Child's life has been and that she really just deserves a break....
    Translation: How her own mother just tried to pawn her off time and time again (said to me direct by same person). How she has been hurt all her life, and they've felt so sorry for her...
    Just that quick, I felt my whole demeanor shift...just mood plummet to utter heartbreak and despair. Feelings of utter worthlessness as a mother, a person in general. To be so judged, in such a hateful way, just breaks all resolve I've managed to muster over the months...
  2. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Hi seeking peace, I'm glad you're here. You've worked so hard to muster up strength for difficult child, you know how to do it. That being said, I urge you not to add to tour troubles by looking on their page.

    Allow that to be their story, in their space. Let this be your space. Allow us to support you, build you up and cheer you on. It's tough being a mom that is a part of forums like this one

    We all found ourselves here in search of peace. Please don't torture yourself. We ate here and have similar stories.

    Prayers for you! !
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  3. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I have been through the same, multiple times, from my difficult daughter and her bio-dad's family - who were completely absent (by choice) the majority of her growing up.

    At first it used to blow me away, the cruelty of it. And I could not even rationalize why anyone would publicly say such horrible things about other people, because that kind of behavior isn't even in my field of vision. Then I would get so embarrassed and ashamed, wondering how many people I knew had read it, were whispering, were judging...

    Now? I don't care. Those words mean nothing to me nor to the people who truly know me. The rest don't matter. And the more I keep my head up and never fall down to that level and slam back, the more ridiculous they look and the more people apologize to ME.

    You can't control others. You can only control your response to them. It eats them up when you don't respond at all because that is what it is all about.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Best to avoid facebook. Block that page if thats what it takes to keep you from going there.

    Big hugs. We care. Stop torturing yourself.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's hard seeing/hearing things like that, I know. Just remember that they don't know the entire story, but you do. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself and your higher power, if you believe in one. Do your best to let it go. Hugs.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Seeking Peace, don't allow the opinions of others take away your hard earned peace and resolve. We parents here face a devastation with our children that others cannot understand, one has to walk on our shoes to get how much suffering there is on this path. Think to yourself, "what they think of me is none of my business!" Let it go, like we learn here to let go of so much, let go of what others think, knowing in your heart that you have, like all of us here, done the very best you could under extremely difficult circumstances. We here know that you are a warrior, that you've been through hell and have made it back. As the Dalai Lama says, "do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." You've worked hard for your peace, let that in and push out the opinions and behaviors of others. Sending warm hugs and good wishes.......
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  7. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Thank you everyone :)
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Seeking, I am late to this conversation, but wanted to share how sorry I am for this happening. I have been there, too, with the assumptions and judgements from others. It does hurt. BUT, they do not have the whole story. They have absolutely no idea.
    You know the truth, and that is what matters.
    Big hugs to you
  9. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Just echoing what others have said. Yes, though, I have been through similar stuff. I simply ignore. Not worth getting upset over. I have felt that Sons bio Dad loves to project onto me that I am the "bad" parent. When he himself did a lot of damage that I could never in a million years undo. His favorite thing to call Son, was Piece of S, and poor Son just wanted his father's love and acceptance. The kind of love a mother cannot give, even if she tries. :(

    With him there is no rationalizing, so I just don't even try. I am just glad now, that Son is an adult, so I do not have to communicate at all with with son's bio dad, unless I feel like it.

    Bio dad and his new wife have been blocked on my FB for a very long time. They had a habit of trying to tell me how to be a mother to my Son.
  10. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Her bio family has always been detached till recently...made it a point to keep them in her life as I felt it was the right thing..even after bio dad relinquished his parental rights. So easy to be involved when you're several states away...none have invited her to come stay in their home.

    Just hurts cause I felt so alone for so many years. Left to figure it out with no help or intervention from that side, but how quick they are to judge me now.

    I get it...if I were a mother whose child(ren) were normal and saw a parent put their child out on the street, completely detached, I would question too...but life has been anything but normal. It'd be one thing knowing she's not truly functioning like the average girl her age and want and willing to help if all the while she wasn't slandering me and my family, or stealing and lying. It's the utter disregard and zero respect. Just not okay at the age of 20....just not acceptable to me anymore- not when I DON'T have to tolerate it anymore....

    Guess my child actually feeling that way too just is the icing on the cake...be easy not to care if it wasn't her....
  11. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    I know it's hard. Son gets derogatory and negative toward me too.

    I know he is just acting out (what my therapist calls it). I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally.

    When Son does this, more often than not, he's doing it to get a reaction from me or his biodad. He would do this also to try and get sympathy from others (bio dad being one)He did this especially around 20. Not so much now. He knows I will not react, so now he doesn't do it much either.

    I ignore it now. I've been called everything in the book. Doesn't phase me anymore.

    Your child will come to her senses probably. Meanwhile it will hurt a bit. Even normal children sometimes do this...

    Hugs to you. You are not alone.