L-O-N-G time no see, guess what brings me by... long read, sorry

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Farmwife, Sep 3, 2013.

  1. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Brief update:

    Due to aggression and behavior issues around toddler siblings difficult child moved in with My Mom Junior year. Barely graduated high school this past year. Worked consistently from 16 on through school ending.

    He has improved leaps and bounds, especially socially. Is maturing but still behind the curve. Wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't for his nasty mood swings and crabby self entitled attitude.

    His ongoing issue is not consistently taking medications. His reasons vary from the classic "I feel better" to forgetting to resenting his diagnosis etc. Either way we have been on a 6 to 12 week rotation of his cycle for 18 months. On medications acts okay, stops medications and acts the fool. Rinse, repeat.

    difficult child lacks personal insight and does not do proper self care. He does not sleep or eat regularly which is a bad idea with a cyclic mood disorder. Also, he has a pretty intense video gaming habit.

    Fast forward to my current issue, *ahem* HIS current issue.

    Took it upon himself to have "one last summer" after it being made clear that was not an option, he has to pay rent now that he is out of high school. His rent is $300 a month to my Mom which includes his well appointed, redecorated, basement bachelor pad. It also includes his groceries, some toiletries, utilities, internet and satellite. It's a sweet deal if you ask me. His other bills are his phone, car insurance and gas. We cover his medical costs. He has to work about 10 hours a week to cover his costs, the rest is spending money. (Illinois has a decent minimum wage and he has had a couple raises)

    At the beginning of summer he had just under $1000 dollars in his savings, he earned it all. Over the summer he quit and started jobs repeatedly, finally settling back at his original job. In the meantime he spent countless hours sleeping in after video game binges and maybe worked a grand total of 20 part days total, maybe. He blew through his savings and today is barely able to pay his expenses because he is yet to increase his hours at work.

    He is in college after a lot of hand holding and a 100% FREE ride from the disability services in our area. Golden opportunity, once in a lifetime opportunity.

    His car broke down a couple weeks ago. We helped him fix it, required no parts or expense other than time after husband's long day at work. *sigh* At the time he had a bit of a melt down with me because I was telling him how to run his life and it's none of my business. He was correct. He's an adult he should figure it out. Avoided him since.

    Last night he calls. New and different car issue. Not sure if his friends will take him to his car that he left at work so he can check a couple things out. Pretty much expects husband to save him, after another long day at work. (husband. not difficult child) He also said he has no money when prompted to buy the probably low fluid that caused the issue. This may get expensive...

    difficult child is a professional victim and finds a way to not only shirk basic responsibility but also find a way to blame everyone else for the consequences of his poor choices. I realize some of his drama is age appropriate. I would have no problem helping him, moving mountains for him if he had a good attitude, actually worked over the summer and just ran into some bad luck. However, this crisis is his own doing.

    I know I need to let him find his rock bottom so he will learn a valuable lesson. However, since he is only sorta on medications I know his course of action will be to feel sorry for himself, make more bad choices, quit school and work for lack of a car, blame everyone for not helping him and then sit on his **** more to play video games which ultimately is a reward for being a bum.

    I do not want to enable him. I know my Mom will, I would say it is her problem but she has Parkinsons and isn't as clear headed as she once was. (read that as easy to take advantage of) She is also a classic enabler so it crossed with her diminishing mental capacity is a recipe for drama.

    I know he needs to get kicked out on his ear to sort out his issues if he doesn't pay rent. I also know that won't happen. My mom has started being defensive when I bring him up. I also know if he gets what he deserves it will be his rationalization for losing a free ride for college.

    I'm honestly beyond caring outside of the school issue. I'm tired of the drama and trying hard to divorce myself from him emotionally. I am done with his whirlwind of drama in my life.

    I'm okay, in a good place. Don't need hugs, really am fine. Just want some outside observations and experiences from people who have traveled this path.

  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back. Yup, sounds like difficult child behavior all right. Well, my first response, which may or may not be the "right" thing to do is that since he is young, does have issues, is not exactly medication compliant and is possibly about to throw his education away.............I might help him through this one with very clear and very strict rules that this is the LAST time, from here on out, if he blows it, then his education, job, housing, phone, all of it, will be gone. You may have already been there done that, in which case letting go at this point would also be a viable option.

    I know how difficult it is to let them throw opportunities away and yet there does come a point where we have to detach from them. I am not certain this is that point for you, but in your heart of hearts, you likely know the answer to that. Detaching is all over the place and only the parents know that moment when it all comes together and we know we've done everything we can and now we have to let go. Good luck, these decisions are challenging............there is no right or wrong, only what you believe to be the best possible solution.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    How does husband feel about this situation? I think it's pretty normal to call a friend, relative, or neighbor when a car breaks down... If husband can work it into his schedule, I would think that sort of helping was fine. on the other hand - if difficult child is treatly husband badly, then that's another story altogther.

    What's the relationship between husband and difficult child?
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Is he going to his classes and doing his work in school? If the answer is yes, I would not hesitate to help, I would actually do anything he needs within reason. on the other hand, if he is wasting this opportunity, I would not help him. He can figure it out himself, let him come to the conclusion he has to work, he'll get to the conclusion faster if you don't rescue him. I hope he is doing his work. It's hard to watch this self-sabatoging behavior, staying away from the drama'is all you can do.
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I like your attitude.

    Very clear-headed.

    Sounds like you are handling everything really well. It's amazing that you are able to see him so clearly. It took me so long to stop blaming myself for difficult child behaviors.

    You go, girl!