Leaving IOP again..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. So, back in Dec. as you know my son text me that he wanted to go to a sober living home and he needed us to help him pack his apartment and move him.. We did. He agreed to attend the sober living home's IOP program as well. It was the agreement for him to live there. So 3 weeks ago he told me he was thinking on leaving IOP. I told him that we didn't support that and also how much we have spend on this. So tonight he tells me he is definitely quitting and he won't be forced to stay in that. He will now have to leave the sober living home. He called and we told him that he should just complete the program that way he has a safe place to live. Nope, he won't listen. Said he is an adult and can make his own decisions. He is getting an apartment... I told him I will not cosign one and that pissed him off. I was told that he will need to live in a hotel and that has relapse written all over it... I was told that I am showing him that I feel he will relapse, that I don't believe in him, etc. I told him we believe in him but don't trust his addiction... I got " I have nothing else to say to you. You make me want to get loaded"
    He won't even sit down and talk maturely with the director of the program, etc. He made up his mind. We suggested looking for another sober living home and got there are no good ones near my work.... Excuses.
    It is killing me inside. Back on the roller coaster again. I will not co-sign. He told me I will have no ties to him anymore. Should have come back with good- get your own health care and cell phone then! Husband said I can't do that.
    So very tired of this.
    He makes it 6 weeks and then gets angry and quits programs, etc. I hate addiction. I just don't know when it will hit him that he needs to stay in a program!
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Stay strong. You are doing the right thing in not co-signing. He is making an adult choice to leave the program, so he will have to be an adult and take responsibility for whatever comes next. He is still not connecting the dots here. He is holding his sobriety over your head and trying to make you responsible for the relapse it sounds like he is already planning for. Don’t fall for it. It sounds like you know all this already, though.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi TTBS,

    This is typical.

    Like most of us, he will do things his own way, regardless.

    Along with being free to make his own decisions comes experiencing the consequences of those decisions. The sooner he learns this, the better. You are right not to stand in his way by making his bad decisions come without repercussions.

    Doing nothing is a lot harder than doing something.

    We have all been there.
     
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I wouldnt pay his rent. He isnt helping himself .He is an.adult, so he insists, and adults his age especially pay their own biills or find shelters.

    You cant be half an adult. You cant just say I am an adult so.I do what I want, but I.still expect you to take care of me.financially like I am a child. He cant be both. Its an oxymoron.

    I am tremendously sad he made this not mature adult choice and ask you to remember he is a survivor and will be okay. He knows how.

    YOU need to be ok too. Please pray for him if you pray and take care of you and your other loved ones. He is not the only one who matters although I get it....it can feel like that with our kids. But you are precious and you matter!

    Hugs and love.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Please do not give in.

    I went through this many times with our son. See my signature and that is just a BIT of it to keep signature short.

    The only thing that helped our son is when we said NO MORE. Last resort was the 13 month faith based program. My husband picked him up from Florida where he did the Florida shuffle for 2 years and drove him to Memphis. He did NOT want to go. He was 20. He ran after my husband in the parking lot and my husband drove away. He was not in a good neighborhood either.

    During my son's graduation speech he spoke of how his dad literally drove across the country to bring him there and thanked his dad for holding his ground. My husband bawled when he said that and my husband does not cry ever. I have tears writing this because I will never forget that moment.

    You know what you need to do and it is hardest thing ever for a parent to do.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm sorry. It sounds like he has already resigned himself to relapse and is looking for excuses to blame it on. It's so hard to watch them do dumb stuff that will very likely lead to relapse. It's maddening. I agree with everyone else, cosigning is a bad idea and I'm glad you said no. There's no rational conversation with our kids when they are in the midst of addiction and hell bent on self-destruction. Sending peace your way. Do something nice for yourself.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We were fortunate that we were able to initially force our son to go to the program. Then HE made the decision to stay because he wanted HIS family.

    He knew we would not accept him the way he was. If you make that clear to him - that YOU are making the decision that he cannot be in YOUR life if he does not CHOOSE to get sober and stay sober, that could make the difference. YOU take the lead.

    You cannot give an addict the reins EVER. He is not your son right now. Forget the guilt and forget feeling sorry for him. It is not gonna help HIM.
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  8. I didn't co-sign any lease. He seems to have found one on his own. I told him good luck with everything. he sent me a text asking me how much I paid when we moved his last apartment to storage with the moving company and I told him. I told him about all we did and all the money we spent and how we followed through on everything we said and here we are again... I know I was not to shame him but he seriously doesn't care!
    Him leaving treatment, him being angry like he is, I just have a feeling...
    He won't even talk to the house manager or the guy who runs the program now. This is how he gets.
    It won't be good.
    My counselor told me not to count on him relapsing ..... seriously with his attitude?
    Not sure when he is moving in, I told him if he wants the keys to the storage unit he will have to tell me where to send them too... That goes unanswered.
    So, everyone, if and when he relapses, what do you all do when you get the call? Just tell him he is on his own now?
    I asked him how close the new place was to the gym? to his AA meetings, to work?? and I get no answer. He always says he will go to meetings and then doesn't go because it costs money for the uber...
    I need to be strong but I am not inside. I am crumbling but I won't give in. Sounds like he got the place on his own. Again, living alone....
     
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    There is nothing you can do. I am sorry but its true. All the rehabs you paid for, all the motels, all the apartments you cosigned, all you did has done nothing.

    If he calls to say he relapsed, he KNOWS where to go for help. He was at a place where he can get help. He knows where AA is, althought that will probably not be enough. He doesnt want to quit or he wouldnt have left so when he relapses, what CAN you do that you havent done already? What CAN you say that will motivate him?

    Most of our adults who got well were finally told they are on their own and stuck to it. If he says he relapsed say "You know what to do. We cant do it for you. I love you."

    So far I am not liking your therapist. Of course you see him, not me. But I would definitely let my addict know he screwed up in no uncertain terms and would speak firmly. And I think therapist is in la la land to tell you he may not relapse with his actions and history. in my opinion he should help and prepare you with coping strategies.

    I am immensely sorry you, anyone, needs to goot through this crap. I do think that with addiction, the less we help, the better it is for them.

    Take good care of yourself. That is the only person.you CAN care for just like only your son can care for.his wefare.

    I will pray for all of you. And miracles.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    He is threatening that if you don’t do what he wants you to do, he will relapse.

    However when you gave him what he wanted, (including the out-of-network facility of his choice), he relapsed anyway in the past and this time left the facility and wasted your money in the process.

    Tell him you don’t have any more money.

    Money is not the answer to his problems.

    You refused to co-sign, and he already got himself a place to live. When he is ready, he will get sober on his own volition.
     
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Awww its hard to watch. Its not all for nothing though even it feels like it. You have shown you love him and are there for him. He may not appreciate it now but he may in the future. Remember its a process and a journey and this is one misstep along the way.

    At this point stop giving him advice. He doesnt want it and hes not listening anyways. I wouldnt give him any money. Dont buy into the baloney talk about because of you I will get loaded....that is crapola. He is not doing what he needs to do and he knows it. He is not listening or paying attention to the people with experience. He is avoiding doing the hard work. This sounds a lot like my son.

    Take care of yourself right now.
     
  12. He got the movers and moved in yesterday. Told me he only needed 2x's the rent in income instead of 3x so didn't need a co-signer... Their website shows they need 3x's so not sure if he is lying or found someone else to co-sign. Haven't heard from him today so that is good. I dread any texts or calls.
    I talked to a recovery coach that lives where he does and he offered his services so I did let my son know the other day. He told me he was looking into getting into a continued care program one night a week didn't seem interested in the recovery coach. The recovery coach told me this "addiction wants you alone so it can kill you...." wow, makes me feel even better that he is living alone again.

    This was his decision... his decision to quit IOP which resulted in him being told to leave the sober home... his decision not to look into another sober home for support.... I was told he was an adult and can make his own decision. He felt IOP was holding him hostage... wasn't going to do that anymore...

    I just need to be very strong going forward. No money no advice nothing.

    I had to put the dog he loved to sleep last night. He was my buddy too. So young .. only 5 years old. We rescued him when he was a year old and well my heart is broken. I am not telling my son. He would be very upset over this.
     
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Are you seeing the pattern here? He asked you to pay money for his sober living rent. You said no. He paid it himself. He asked you to cosign. You said no. He found a way to get the apartment on his own.

    There is a saying in AA/NA: Fake it till you make it. That applies to parents, too. You can do this. Stay strong.

    Elsi said:
    Elsi is exactly right. He is holding his sobriety over you as emotional blackmail. You are not responsible for his sobriety in any way. Just like you can't keep him sober, you can't cause his relapse. You have zero control of whether he drinks or uses drugs.

    Kathy
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List