My son is in jail. Again. To visit or not to visit, that is the question...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kalet, Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Kalet

    Kalet New Member

    So thankful to have found this site. I chose not to visit my son this weekend. Most of the post read my mind and spoke from my heart as well. Three jails, five felonies in a span of three months. I am certain he will end up doing some time as each one carries 15-20. No bond at all due to missing court dates which set the situation up for worse conditions.. he is a herion addict who has a girl 3 months pregant. The best possible place for him right now is in jail. I cant express the mindset I have after so many overdoses and suicide attempts. He is mentally ill and self Medicates with any drug he can get his hands on. Right now is my time to breathe. Sleep with my phone off and not have massive anxiety attacks when I see his fathers number on my phone (we are divorced) its never good news when he calls. Last August I was two days home from having surgery and he OD'd I got the call and was unable to go to hospital, resolved that he was safe and where he needed to be. Nothing I could do. I have been traumatized by his addiction for 8 years, knew the outcome was jail or death. I opt for jail. I did contact his court appointed attornies to let them know his mental conditions and that he is an addict. At 25 its out of my hands. I need to find peace and breathe for now. If he comes home stays clean we can rebuild a relationship. For now I have to heal from too much trauma. I plan to visit when I feel the time is right after he is sentenced possibly. Much love an prayers to all of you.
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  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Kalet and welcome. We're glad you're here. This is a place of support, comfort, encouragement and ideas. Ah, your story sounds a lot like my story with my Difficult Child.

    My son's dad and I are divorced too. I stopped sleeping with my phone in the same room. I decided there was nothing new I needed to know between 10 a.m. and 6 a.m. Even with my son doing much better, I still have that habit today.

    Yes, start with breathing. Start with small kindnesses to yourself. Your son is right where he needs to be, for right now. Accepting that is a great step forward. He is safe, he has three hots and a cot, as we like to say, and he can't get heroin. All those are good things.

    Jail becomes such a blessing. What? Who ever thought any mother would say that? There are things worse than jail and felonies. Every step down into the "pit" of my son's addiction taught me something. These are awful lessons.

    Hang in there. It's your time now. Let it all go for a while. Let the system do what the system does. If he stays in jail, that is a chance for him to think, reflect, get some rest and hopefully treatment, and he will have a chance to change.

    Today my son is 27. He has been on a path of progress for almost 2.5 years. He was homeless many times, a drug addict, in jail 8 or 9 times, and has felonies. There is hope.

    Now, again, it's YOUR time. Claim this period and rebuild yourself. We're here for you.
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  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Kind of in a similar vote, but instead of my's my sons ex wife. We adopted her two youngest children, my sons only child, and her older half sister, father unknown.

    This morning at 9 am, her trial starts for being involved with two robberies in July. She wouldn't take a plea deal, tried to fire her court appointed attorney, then expected her parents to pay for a private one. $15,000 up front and $1,500 a day. They said no.

    The newspaper article made it sound like she drove the get away car...but the person who went in to the store threatened employees with a pair of scissors, and then two days later, used a gun at a fast food place. They are both in jail on $250,000 bond, but ended up only getting about $500 in cash.

    The sad thing about all that her daughters now have to cope with this, but at least they know she is safe and alive.

    I sent a letter a few weeks ago. I was afraid that if she got a chance to contact the girls she would spin this her way. Actually, she already has, saying she had no clue what the other woman was doing.

    I know it's easier to detach when it's not your child...

    Try not to stress...KSM
  4. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Hi Kalet. So sorry to read your post. What major heartache. As you mentioned, jail is better than the alternative for your child. It is hard to believe we would wish for jail.

    I, like Childofmine, do not keep a phone in the bedroom. Anything important can wait until 6 am. Too many anxious and sleepless nights taught me that.

    I hope that you can now take the time to heal yourself - do something good for yourself every day.

    Hugs and prayers to you.
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Kalet.

    It is time to focus on yourself now.

    I bet that your son has had many, many chances, and you have helped him many, many times, to no avail.

    It is time to let him deal with the consequences. Maybe he will decide he doesn't like them! It has happened with some of our guys!

    Take a break from his drama.

    Stay with us and keep posting!

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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Let your son settle in and as his mind clears, maybe he will see the pain he has caused you and how he's hurt himself and really want to change.

    I learned from my therapist recently that we can love unconditionally but our relationship with our Difficult Child can have conditions. That was very freeing for me and I am using that knowledge in the relationship I have with my own son. Boundaries are healthy for everyone.

    Take good care of yourself. This is truly HIS journey. We can't live their lives for them.
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  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    My son was in jail for two years. I never visited him. I tried twice, and once was turned away for wearing (professional) sandals (that wasn't listed on the website about prohibited clothing, but they did have sign on the wall once you got there) and once because he had been moved to segregation and could only have visitors in the morning (unbeknownst to me). By the time I was through all the processing it was afternoon.

    I found those two attempts so demoralizing, dehumanizing, humiliating, and overall crushing that I promised myself that I didn't ever have to go again. And I didn't. And I won't.

    I have tried to visit him several times at various psychiatric hospitals. I've mostly been successful at that in the past. In the past few years, tho, once I"ve packed up clothes and food to bring him, I have discovered that he had left/run away/escaped. So no visit.

    In the end, it is his life to live. No point in my jumping through hoops, putting myself in uncomfortable or distressing situations because of his choices, or spending time on dead ends, whether I recognize them as dead ends ahead of time or not.

    Did I tell you about the (very recent) time that I received a distinguished alum award from my old high school, then, while I was driving home in his twin sister's car, I got pulled over by state troopers because they ran the plates and found the same birthday and last name as a wanted Difficult Child. That was a good one. His choices redound to me in ways I couldn't even have imagined. I try now to make it less easy for them to impact me.

    Good luck to you. I don't think you have to visit. I do accept his calls, but I told him last time that if he ran away from treatment again I wouldn't do that any more, and I won't.
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  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I am still criticized by close family members for my detachment from my child. I do not discuss his life with them, he likes to post on FB and then I start getting the emails and calls that my child is crying out for help, what kind of mother am I to abandon him? I ignore them as much as I can, it has caused me to distance myself from some close family members. Let them open their doors to him, fork over money, constant drama.....

    My child started drugs early, I know he has ADD and other undiagnosed illnesses. I did have him tested, he was in a behavioral center for 3 weeks for testing, but, back then even less was known about mental and behavioral problems.

    Still, I have seen and talked to him when he was clean and sober and he was a totally different person SO I'm not sure how much of his mental, behavior is actually cause by the drugs. No one does!!!

    My child was driving me insane, literally! I was extremely close to a mental breakdown and I am surprised it did not cause me my job.

    I also felt demoralized when I went through the all day process to visit in jail, also the all day process when he was released. The money I have spend on programs and legal fees would have paid for a very expensive education. I did that too lol!

    My child was court ordered in to programs twice and I made the round trip each Saturday for a 2 hour visit. With traffic, sometimes 3 hours there and 3 hours home again.

    The last program he decided to walk out and was sentenced to six more months. He lied and said he thought he was released. Without paperwork? He's not that dumb. In fact, he has an extremely high IQ and is very manipulative.

    I jumped through hoops to get him treatment and to visit him. So what does he remember? Six months ago he sent me a nasty message saying I abandoned him while he was in treatment and moved without letting him know where I was.

    This did not happen! But, it did let me know that all of my efforts were not appreciated. It's not that I expected appreciation of any kind, I love him and want him well. It just hurts to have them tell you how you abandoned and never loved them.

    Only a parent or guardian raising a child with illness and addiction problems can truly understand our frustrations. I wish I had been able to detach sooner than I did. I also wish I could say detachment cured my child, it has helped him more than our relationship was in the past.

    I can definitely say it has helped me. There is only so much a person can do to help someone. Sometimes, the best thing is to step back and let them take care of themselves. It's a much different situation with a rebellious teen, they are adults now.

    I know it's hard and I know it hurts.

    (((hugs and blessings)))
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    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  9. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Tiredof33 - you hit the nail right on the head. Just found out that my daughter posted a 40 minute video on FB about how I beat her when she was a child and that I am some monster who works in an operating room (I worked in a hospital but not an OR and she was never abused - physically or emotionally). She has given the world my contact information (email, phone #'s, etc.). I'm just waiting for her "friends" to come calling.

    Detachment hasn't cured or helped my daughter yet, as I have just started. I need to step far back and let her run her own life.
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Good grief mcdonna. That is ridiculous. I cannot believe she is focusing on you in this way.

    I would block her on FB (if you haven't already) and in every other way possible. Although we are in contact with our son, we still have our son blocked on FB because I don't want to hear what he says if we are out with friends having dinner or drinks. Good grief we both work like dogs and don't need to justify anything!!

    So sorry you have to experience this. I don't even know what to say. It is insanity!!
  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    mcdonna, I wenth through that with my son and his long term girlfriend. She posted extremely nasty posts on FB and Twitter about me. He posted I was a racists and didn't like her because she was Hispanic. It was embarrassing and I'm sure plenty of people (that didn't know the situation) believed them.

    I had to laugh about that one though, my hubby of 17 years is Hispanic. I guess I only hate female Hispanics lol!

    I'm not a specialist in any way, but, they are angry and want to fight, they lash out at anyone they can. They blame everyone else for their problems. I finally called the police to stop girlfriend's harassing phone calls that started at 6AM. Just ignore them if you can, they are like children having temper outbursts.

    Lately, he just posts how he can't stand living and that sets off friends and family with the messages and calls. I am sure he is high or drunk when he posts all night. He knows if he posts suicide threats I will call the police, others will too. We have in the past. He will post the dark drama for a few months and then disappear for months, starts all over again.

    For whatever reason, (drugs who knows) they love drama, it's all about THEM.

    Detachment is a process, it does get easier.
  12. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Isn't that ironic! They sure do pick the worst things to say about us.

    Daughter has already done the blocking. I won't ever re-add her. When she asks why, I tell her that I'm tired of the on-and-off again blocking. She always says it was "Facebook's fault - I didn't do it."

    Kalet - I hope you can find strength to start detaching.
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  13. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    We were frequently threatened with "revealing" FB posts by our daughter, though she never carried through.
    McDonna, you've been through the ringer!
    It sounds like you are on the detachment path, what with all the phone calls you have made and the boundaries established. Good for you!
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I always say and believe that when you have very difficult family members, then Facebook is very toxic. I urge all in this situation to totally dump Facebook. Delete your account and don't read anyone else's Facebook posts either. They only post these vile things for our benefit. Why be an audience to cruel abuse? How does reading it benefit anybody?

    Detaching is not for our adult children. Detachment won't change them unless they want to change. Detachment is for us and it is effective! WE MATTER!

    Let's be good to ourselves: )
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  15. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Haven't read all the posts, just read your original post and see that you have been to Hell and back with this child of yours.

    I never visited my son in jail (he's been there at least 20 times, no lie) and I never wanted to. No, that's a lie! The first time he was arrested (for domestic violence against ME! ) I really wanted to visit him (that's how sick I have been and still am, on some level) but then I realised I would be sucked further into his web of manipulation.

    I decided that I didn't want that and that if he'd committed a crime, he would have to tough it out himself. I still stand by that and believe me, I don't seem to have a lot of boundaries, but that is one of them. I DON'T want to see my son in a jail setting. If he's there, he's there for a reason and that reason has nothing to do with how I raised him.

    Just sayin'...
  16. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Hi Kalet. My son is also in jail right now and I haven't been to see him. This time. My boy is 32, heroin addict, living on the streets. He's been in countless rehabs, sober homes, jails and even prison for a year. It's exhausting, isn't it? The last time he was in jail I visited him every weekend, even put a little money on his books. I know better than that, but hey. I'm human and I'm a mother. When he was released, I picked him up to drive him to a rehab, that he had applied for while in jail and he said he changed his mind. He wasn't going. He opted to get out of the car and go back to the streets. Of course I was devastated. Before he got out of the car I hugged him, told him how much I loved him and told him that I was done visiting him in jail. That I wouldn't come the next time. He said he understood. I haven't put any money on his books either. He's called a few times to say he loves me. I know he does, but I also know he's manipulative and hoping that a touching phone call will prompt me to visit or give $. I absolutely love when he's in jail. I actually think he likes it too and I really love knowing where he is. Enjoy the time your son is in jail. He's getting fed and has a warm bed. Maybe, just maybe something will be different one day. We need to turn it over. It's out of our control. Carri
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  17. Don't visit and pray momma just pray for him to one day have peace of mind. That's all we can want for our children when they are not well. For god to atleast pls heal their minds and give them peace to love and fight this fight good luck
  18. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER


    Kalet: My heart goes out to you. I hope all is well for you at this time. I have a son addicted to meth, is in his 2nd prison sentence and has lost all teeth and looks terrible. I have been through so much with him that I can't feel normal any more about him. The first time he was arrested I did support him, thinking he would get out and things would finally be the way it should be. Ha!! no such luck. He immediately showed signs of being just plain irresponsible, living with his father, then leaving there to live with a girlfriend and ending up living in his grandmothers basement where they were making the drugs when an explosion caught the house on fire. He ran for a year. Now I visit but only occasionally and I dread him getting out. Does this ever end I sometimes wonder. But I agree with you this forum is a big help!! Keep your chin up.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Kalet. I wanted to say HI and Welcome and to let you know how strong and sure you appear to me. Facing a reality that nobody should face. Affirming the reality of your lack of control and affirming that your responsibility right now is YOU.

    Take care.