Narcassistic adult son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tesssss, Jan 27, 2017.

  1. Tesssss

    Tesssss What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

    Hi,
    I have been struggling with my estranged son for years. He has all the characteristics of a true narcassist. About 10 years ago, I gave him a short term loan to start up a business. The business didn't go well, and during the three years he struggled with this, he divorced, gave up parental rights, started distancing himself from family. He took up paying for prostitution, borrowing from everyone and making lives miserable. During this time, his father passed unexpectedly. Son and his sister inherited quite a bit of money. At this point I asked him to pay me back the $200,000. I loaned him. He laughed at me and said he didn't sign anything so doesn't owe me anything. I lost my home due to his non payment. I have health issues, multiple sclerosis being foremost. We became estranged at this point. Long story short, he manipulated his sister into giving him her inheritance, so he could buy out the rest of the family. They all objected but Kristen, wanting someone to take care of her like her father did, transferred her shares to him with the promise he would pay her back in a month. The other paternal relatives disowned him. He became 100percent owner of the company his grandfather started. Kristen struggled with depression and anxiety and withdrew and started self medicating. In her text messages she had been asking for her money and he kept putting her off. She killed herself last September. I am administrator of her estate and discovered how he forged signatures, lied about the money he was going to pay her back and how he manipulated her into signing documents she knew nothing about. I have an attorney defending her estate and the son is dragging his feet and not complying with the information we have requested. I recently discovered through his ex wife that he has threatened my life. My entire family, ex relatives, and friends feel he pushed Kristen over the edge. He showed no emotion at her funeral. I want to disown this child. I tell people my children have passed. One from suicide the other from greed. What a horrible feeling I have. I must have been a terrible mom.
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Tess, You were NOT a terrible mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Terrible moms don't care if there kids die, or if they have kids that hurt people or steal or commit crimes. You CLEARLY care that your son is hurting people and wonder what you did or didn't do that contributed to this.

    Sadly, some people are just wired wrong. Their brains are just not like ours. Your son sounds more like a sociopath than a narcissist to me. The stealing and lying and ignoring the court, all the different things make me think more of a sociopath. Either way it is NOT something you could have done anything about either to help or hurt. No one knows how to help a child born this way. There are some doctors who have therapies they THINK that MIGHT help, but they are all totally experimental and have not been tried on anyone who has grown to be an adult yet. We do know that the brains of people who act this way work differently than the brains of the rest of us. They truly do not have the emotions that the rest of us do. They never have feelings for anyone else and are emotionally stunted. It is NOT something you caused or did or could have helped.

    I am so very sorry about your daughter. He took advantage of her. She was grieving and he moved in on her and she made the mistake of turning to the wrong person rather than listening to the people who told her not to listen to him. Then she couldn't handle it and made the worst choice ever in her grief. I am just so terribly sorry. No mother should ever go through that grief. I would leave the bare minimum allowed by law so your son cannot contest the will and otherwise would disown your son because he got his money in that business loan. That would be all he got from me if I were his mother.

    (((((hugs))))) I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have read few stories as bad as this. Your son is a psychopath/sociopath. I agree with Susie. Move. Don't tell him where. Don't go near him. Your poor daughter.

    I truly have no words except I'm so sorry and build a new life without him. He is beyond greedy. His lack of any empathy makes him dangerous to anyone in his way.

    His child is lucky not to have him in his life. I hope the mother marries a loving father figure. Do you see your grandson? Even if you don't, I'd write my will to leave him all your money. Leave the minimum to your son and be sure to mention that he is not getting more for a reason. We were told to do this or else the disunherited son can claim you forgot because of dementia etc. Talk closely to your lawyer.

    Lastly, you are not a terrible mom. Your son was born this way. You did not teach him to be evil. Do you see a psychologist? You need a professional to explain that the brains of antisocial are different from the get go. You had nothing to do with this. Bet he was never a nice person. Ever. He lacks the empathy that makes us human but it's how his brain is wired, not how you raised him.

    Love, hugs and white light. Please don't give up on your life. Quickly finish this business with son and move...ive always wanted to live my senior years in another country. Go where you like and find joy again with new people. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2017
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh dear Tessss, you are not a terrible mom. You are a woman who was taken advantage of by her own child. This is nothing you did. We may never know why our adult children do the things they do or make the choices they make but what I do know is that it's theirs to own.
    You did a loving thing by giving your son a loan, you trusted him to pay you back and he betrayed your trust.
    What he did to your daughter, his sister just makes me sick. I am so sorry for what he put you and your family through.
    I'm glad that you are working with a lawyer. What your son did is criminal and he should be prosecuted.
    Again, I am so sorry for what you have been dealing with and the loss of your daughter.

    You are not a terrible mother!!!!!

    I'm glad you found us here. You will find much needed support.

    ((HUGS)) to you.............................
     
  5. Tesssss

    Tesssss What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

    I appreciate the replies. My happiness is my ex daughter in law has remarried. I am considered grandma to her other 2 children and I have a special bond with my legal grandson. This woman experienced emotional abuse for years in her marriage. It seems the narcissism and sociopath behavior is almost genetic in the paternal family including my ex. I am getting the real estate part of her estate cleared up and letting him, the son, go on his merry way with what is obviously criminal but I need to have closure with this. Attorney $$$$ and stress. I have put my grandson as heir to my estate and specifically left 0$ to son. I am using kristens realestate $$ to set up education accounts for my honorary grandbabies whom I equally love. I cant understand how he can move forward knowing his contribution in the tragic death of his only sibling. Pure evil
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are a special person, tessss. I love love love that you get so much joy from your daughter in law and accept and adore all her children as your own.

    I'm sad your son seems without a conscience but agree he probably inherited it. My oldest son is definitely a Narcissist. He is not dangerous or a thief but his world is all about him and he is often nasty to me and won't acknowledge his lovely adopted siblings. I am used to him but not as close to him as to my other kids. This oldest adult child brings no joy to anyone except his son. He IS good to him but I wOrry if that will change once his young son stops worshipping him. I rarely see that granchild. They live in another state. I am really in love with my daughter's child my granddaughter. She is a large personality, bright and sweet like her mother. So precious and beautiful.

    My father is a Narcicist. I totally believe personality, good, bad and disordered is inherited. My son rarely saw his disinterested grandfather yet they are so alike. Spooky.

    I love your spirit and am so sorry about your daughter. My motto these days is to not be toxic myself and not hang around toxic people, even m son. His siblings hear how he talks to me and about them and want nothing to do with him. And he's good with that.

    We are both blessed to have many wonderful people in our lives. I feel blessed. You have blessings too.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2017
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    One of the saddest stories I have read here and I'm so very sorry.
    I would seek the best legal advice available to you and perhaps more than one opinion.
    Seek whatever damages and remedies that you are entitled to legally....but of course, make sure if you do persue any legal case that you are likely to prevail (win!)
    And by all means, remove yourself from your son. If needed, change your phone number and only give it to your daughter in law (make her promise never to give it to your son), your attorneys, doctors, very close and trustworthy friends and relatives, etc.
    Never let him know your whereabouts or your next move.
    As best as you can, do things you enjoy.
     
  8. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    Tesssss, I'm so very sorry for your losses. You were/are not a terrible mom. The others are so right - you are a courageous woman and have gone above and beyond to help your children. It is so sad that your daughter had to be a victim of your son's psychopathic/sociopathic behaviour.

    I think it is a wise idea to keep away from your son. He does not seem to want to change his ways. It is wonderful that you can have a positive and healthy relationship with your daughter-in-law and your grandchildren.

    Our daughter has similar behaviours to your son, - she ramps it up with each 'event'. It's sad that she cannot be trusted at any time. We keep a guarded distance from her and have stopped enabling. My husband and I are working on ourselves and trying to move forward with our lives. You need to take care of YOU!

    Hugs and prayers to you.