I am in the US. And no he is not young... actually I would put him close to retirement. And my daughters counselor already stopped me mid sentence when telling her what this issue was... she said if I go any further she would have to report to CYS. So I don’t understand why he is not doing it. He has yet to tell us that he is a mandated reporter and needs to report. These are things I’m discussing with the attorney on Monday. Also, my husband has felt all along that this is just something he did out of immaturity and he will ‘outgrow’ it so the psychologist is going with that idea. And both husband and pyschologist feel I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
New Member......Need Help
- Thread starter Sumsky
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BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
Agree with many of the other responses you've received so far. SS is a predator regardless of what his psychologist and his very powerful great-grandparents have to say. I think to an extent the small town you live in may be as much of a problem as your husband's family. They have likely known SS from birth and pity him his biological mother's neglect and abandonment, and excuse him from all his deeds for this reason "because he is a Lannister" or whatever your husband's powerful surname is (don't tell us - protect your anonymity).
I hate to say that it sounds to me like all things considered, this is going to be a very long road. The fact that husband is going back and forth like a yo-yo depending on whose opinion he heard last, and that he is jumping on the bandwagon of whomever is most inclined to excuse/minimize stepson's behavior when he has a choice of believing professional A who sees the situation clearly and professional B who excuses SS, is a huge red flag in my eyes.
Depending on what the attorney tells you, you might want to start with a separation and then move to a divorce if things don't change. And I definitely think you and D need to leave that small town. It sounds like husband's family is like the Mafia and nobody dares cross them even if crimes are committed.
The only thing I can think of which might make a difference is if your D's friends, whom he also filmed, press charges. This might up the ante and force a firm stand to be taken. But who knows...the only thing you can control is yourself and D. As badly as D wants to come home the safest thing for her seems to be relocating far, far away from this evil, sick, perverted SS.
I hate to say that it sounds to me like all things considered, this is going to be a very long road. The fact that husband is going back and forth like a yo-yo depending on whose opinion he heard last, and that he is jumping on the bandwagon of whomever is most inclined to excuse/minimize stepson's behavior when he has a choice of believing professional A who sees the situation clearly and professional B who excuses SS, is a huge red flag in my eyes.
Depending on what the attorney tells you, you might want to start with a separation and then move to a divorce if things don't change. And I definitely think you and D need to leave that small town. It sounds like husband's family is like the Mafia and nobody dares cross them even if crimes are committed.
The only thing I can think of which might make a difference is if your D's friends, whom he also filmed, press charges. This might up the ante and force a firm stand to be taken. But who knows...the only thing you can control is yourself and D. As badly as D wants to come home the safest thing for her seems to be relocating far, far away from this evil, sick, perverted SS.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
Um....NO. Just....NO. Normal adolescent boys do not tape middle school aged girls without their consent. Normal adolescent boys do not expose themselves.
He is going to rape and/or murder one day and you are the ONLY ONE who seems to see it.
I am so sorry you are being gaslighted this way. I would call what is being done to you emotional abuse.
Stay strong!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
He also exposed himself at school. That isn't normal male or teen behavior either. Likely he was abused in mother's care but sad as that is, he is now a threat .And your husband could have fought hard for custody while SS lived with neglectful mom and he didn't until the boy was seriously damaged. Kids are VERY affected from age 0-5. Without constant love from a stable caregiver, they will have serious issues. Not all can be overcome. Early neglect/abuse changes the brain. Nobody can promise these serious sexual behaviors can be fixed, even with therapy .so your daughter can never be assured safety around him. And why would she want to be around him?
I would leave this toxic situation. I know it's hard. I was terrified when I left my first husband, but that one step started a big upswing in the lives of all of us. The benefit didn't show right away, but today even our kids are glad we are not together. My second husband is amazing...to everyone.
I would leave this toxic situation. I know it's hard. I was terrified when I left my first husband, but that one step started a big upswing in the lives of all of us. The benefit didn't show right away, but today even our kids are glad we are not together. My second husband is amazing...to everyone.
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AppleCori
Well-Known Member
There is so much wrong with this situation, I don’t have time to deal with it all right now.
I just have to say that I am astounded by what your daughter’s counselor said—don’t continue with the story or she will be obligated to report it! WTF is wrong with her?
Shaking my head in total shock....
I just have to say that I am astounded by what your daughter’s counselor said—don’t continue with the story or she will be obligated to report it! WTF is wrong with her?
Shaking my head in total shock....
ahhjeez
Active Member
I just wanted to write and tell you how sorry I am that you are dealing with this. Also, I wanted to say, that you are absolutely not making too big a deal of this. I find it so incredible that the psychologist is pushing you to drop this AND wants to give him back internet access. He's already been inappropriate and that's putting it mildly. How would giving him access to as much pornography as he can watch beneficial. My gut instinct, and I know this is so much easier said than done, would be to take my kids and go. I can't imagine how hard this must be and I so, so feel for you and your daughter. Your ss needs intensive help before his behavior devolves any further. He's on an ominous road and I really question his therapists ability to effectively treat/help him if he is minimizing this behavior. What happens when he does it again? Or escalates as he most certainly will without treatment. This is NOT normal teen boy behavior. I have a teen boy and this is so far out of the realm that I just don't have any words..... I'm so glad that you are getting your daughter another therapist. I'm just so shocked that they are minimizing this and don't see it as predatory behavior. He took video of her in the bathroom and exposed himself at school. What more does he need to do before they see that this is not normal behavior? I wish you much strength for the road ahead.
Baggy Bags
Active Member
Sorry it's all gotten so complicated. I hate what the psychologist is doing and understand the frustration. It has taken me almost two months to get our "therapeutic team" (two psychiatrists and one psychologist) to start acknowledging (out loud) that my son has a real organic/mental psychiatric problem and not just a reaction to the (unconventional) way I raised him (homeschool, very involved aka "overprotective" ((because I KNEW something was different about him and that he needed it)) They took me through hell and back questioning me and my motives for wanting a diagnosis, but now they are coming around. I have been very diligent at keeping a record of good days and bad days, describing crisis days in detail to them, communicating as much as I can to them, including memories of stuff that happened when he was very little - as they come to me, history of mental illness in my family as I learn about it... We have a group discussion on messenger, so anytime something happens, I immediately let the group know. I believe this, along with them getting to know my son better in therapy sessions, has helped. Would something like this be possible for you? Even if not, I think it could be very useful to write down as much as you can. Things you remember. The order of events. Your take on his problem... Even if you don't know who might eventually read it or when it might be useful, write it all down.
I've been reading along. You've been given excellent support. I have one response which I believe mirrors everyone else's concerns as well. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS COMPLETELY.
While you are going thru this, take very good care of yourself, this is a tough situation and you're the one holding all of it......remember to nourish yourself. Keep yourself very well supported.
While you are going thru this, take very good care of yourself, this is a tough situation and you're the one holding all of it......remember to nourish yourself. Keep yourself very well supported.
Thank you everyone for all the encouragement and support. It means so much! Finally getting a little bit of support. Had a very short informal intake through a local services management. It was only 30 mins and will continue tomorrow and because of the issues in our situation, they are labeling it urgent. So, we will have a case manager within 48 hours from tomorrow. This is the place that has to make the referral for the residential facility we found. We were referred to them through the residential treatment center. This counselor flat out said it is NOT normal for a 15 year old to be on porn daily. It is NOT normal for a 15 year old to expose himself in school, it is NOT normal for a 15 year old to video his sister in the bathroom. She said that she has major concerns about this situation and the effects it’s having on ALL of us especially my daughter. She also said that he does NOT appear anxious or depressed and that his pyschologist is not an easy one to work with. The case manager will have to make the recommendations for treatment and services but she feels very strongly that a psychosexual evaluation will HAVE to be done. And that will include various testing along with a lie detector test. Husband is much more receptive than he was Tuesday once again. (Seems he is just going along with whatever he is being told) But he does also feel that the testing will show that everything is ‘normal’ with SS. But he has agreed to go along with their recommendations. It was a relief to finally have a professional say what I have been trying to say all along!!!! I will keep you posted. On a positive note, Daughter is coming home for the weekend (SS is going away) and we are going to get our nails done and shop with a friend and her daughter on Saturday!! I’m so excited to have a day with her just doing girl stuff!!!! I will keep you posted. Thank you again!!!!
I will say in my husbands defense.... he did file for custody when his son just turned 3 (husband was still with mother until then). It took 2 years through the courts for him to get custody and then he just got primary, she still had visits. It took another 5-6 years to get her rights taken. And that was going back to courts every 8-12 months for 5-6 years. I came into SS life when he was 4 1/2. And I can honestly say I almost walked away from this situation several times because of SS bio mom. I really thought husband was exaggerating the things she did. Until she found out about me and by then I was in love and really felt I could make a difference in SS life. Hind sight is 20/20 but husband did what he could through the courts. The problem was that everyone felt sorry for what SS went through and tried to make it up to him by not disciplining him and buying him anything he wanted. When what he NEEDED was structure and discipline. And in laws looked at me as ‘stepmom’ and felt I was hard on him when in fact I was just trying to teach him. That is why SS hates me now. Cause I am still the only one that calls it like it is.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Gosh Sum. That is great. All of it. I sure hope you stay with us awhile as we are all of us invested in your story. And want the best for you, daughter and your family.
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Copabanana, thank you! We are no where near where we need to be but once again I am hopeful. I’m trying to not get my hopes up too much because I had hopes last week and it all changed rather quickly. But I am hopeful this is the right step. Im still keeping my appointment with attorney for Monday as I need to know what my best steps are legally also. I will definitely be staying. This has been an eye opener and it just amazes me at the lack of support out there for mental health issues. I’m sure I will continue to need this support for a long time. And maybe someone will find some ideas or help from my situation. At the very least maybe I can give back a little of what I have been given here!!
Just an update... waiting for the appointment with the case worker. Met with attorney yesterday. She also worked with CYS early in her career and still handles cases for them. She is no nonsense/to the point. She also came highly recommended by an ex family member that works in the criminal justice system (he got out of this family cause he said they are all crazy). At this point, we are giving it one week for this case worker. If they are recommending residential treatment and husband agrees to it, then we will do nothing else at this point. But if residential is not recommended or husband does not agree, she says ‘then we blow things up’ meaning we file a PFA against SS for daughters benefit (which will take him out of the house and daughter back in house) we meet with CYS and involve police. She feels SS will not see juvenile detention but will be on probation until at least age 18 and probably have to do inpatient treatment anyway. If we go this route, husband and I will be divorcing and selling home, etc. but I will be able to stay in the house with daughter and son until sold/divorce settled. So... waiting again!! It is just unbelievable to me the amount of waiting that is done and lack of resources for mental health until you are ‘in the system’. Maybe that is my fault for not just putting it in the system immediately. I honestly do feel that SS needs help with issues more than he needs in a juvenile detention and NOT getting the intensive help he needs.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi S.
Lots of news! Thank you very much.
A question: What does PFA stand for?
It sounds to me to be the only responsible plan. You have been through so much in such a short time. Don't short change yourself. How in the world could anybody have dealt with the situation you faced more expeditiously than did you?
It only feels to you to have been slow.
As far as the lack of mental health resources, this is true. But it seems you have been gaslighted by your husband's family and that he has been paralyzed by the situation. Despite all this you stayed centered in what you knew to be true.
How do you feel about contemplating the possible end of your marriage? I know you have a therapist to talk to and you are very strong. Maybe too strong. I hope you acknowledge how very difficult is what you continue to endure.
I am pleased for you that there is clarity now. But emotions don't seem to follow along sometimes.
Lots of news! Thank you very much.
A question: What does PFA stand for?
It sounds to me to be the only responsible plan. You have been through so much in such a short time. Don't short change yourself. How in the world could anybody have dealt with the situation you faced more expeditiously than did you?
It only feels to you to have been slow.
As far as the lack of mental health resources, this is true. But it seems you have been gaslighted by your husband's family and that he has been paralyzed by the situation. Despite all this you stayed centered in what you knew to be true.
How do you feel about contemplating the possible end of your marriage? I know you have a therapist to talk to and you are very strong. Maybe too strong. I hope you acknowledge how very difficult is what you continue to endure.
I am pleased for you that there is clarity now. But emotions don't seem to follow along sometimes.
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Copbanana, PFA is a protection from abuse order. It means he is not allowed any contact with her. And no I don’t have a counselor at this point. My family, close friends and everyone here have been my counselors. That and long bubbles baths filled with tears. I am only holding it together by a thread and the fact that my kids, especially my daughter needs me. I am fortunate to work for a very small company with an amazing boss that has been very supportive and understanding. And this is still our slow season. Once decisions are put in place (very soon) I will be getting some counseling for myself. I am devastated to think about my marriage ending. Honestly, other than issues with his son, our marriage was pretty good! If he in fact allows his son to end our marriage, then I have to accept that. My children’s safety comes first. In some ways it’ll be a weight off my shoulders to not have the burden of SS issues day in day out. But there are lots of other things I will miss. Either way, I’ll be fine and so will my kids!!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You're wise to see it this way. That what is driving this are factors beyond your control. Yours is only to respond for yourself, children and family, by taking responsibility, which you have done consistently. What others choose is beyond your control. I pray your husband grows through this. It is a chance for him to transform himself and his life. You really cannot do anything more than give him this opportunity to step up, which is the greatest gift.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I am so relieved that you held the bully at Bay.
Hard as it may be to end your marriage, if need be, your daughter may never be ok with stepson and in my opinion she must come first. You are being a great Mom.
Hard as it may be to end your marriage, if need be, your daughter may never be ok with stepson and in my opinion she must come first. You are being a great Mom.
Update... SS pyschologist finally released his diagnosis to the new admissions specialist. According to his psychologist SS has severe depressive disorder caused by family disfunction and being expelled from school. Not one time did he mention why he was kicked out of school or the videos or the porn he’s watching, which is the family disfunction right now!! Will be meeting with the case worker by Monday. I’m anxious to get this opinion.... this case worker is from a local psychiatric hospital. The admissions specialist told us that she saw no signs of depression or anxiety. And we haven’t either. He goes about his day like everything is fine! He has always been like that. It’s almost like nothing reaches below the surface. I seriously question antisocial personality disorder. I know it can’t be diagnosed until he’s 18 but a lot of the characteristics are there.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
This psychologist is either nuts himself, incompetent, or completely under the influence of your husband’s powerful family.
Any way you slice it the ‘diagnosis’ is a bunch of bull crap.
I am so glad you have counselors and attorneys lined up to protect you and D, not to mention a plan of action.
I hope your husband doesn’t cling to this bogus ‘diagnosis’ as proof that nothing is wrong with his son.
Keep us posted.
Any way you slice it the ‘diagnosis’ is a bunch of bull crap.
I am so glad you have counselors and attorneys lined up to protect you and D, not to mention a plan of action.
I hope your husband doesn’t cling to this bogus ‘diagnosis’ as proof that nothing is wrong with his son.
Keep us posted.
