Please help me my 38 year old son lives in our house and is on meth and heroin i need some help

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Laspnda, Mar 21, 2016.

  1. Laspnda

    Laspnda New Member

    I need help with my son he is 38 year son is addicted to drugs heroin and meth please help me I Love him so much i do not want to lose him to the drugs .
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Laspnda and welcome to the forum, so sorry for your need to be here. I understand the pain of this, my 37 year old has been on meth for awhile now. So sorry for your aching momma heart. It is a tough road to be on, when our children grow into adults and make horrible choices.
    This is a good place for you to be dear, many of us are going through similar trials, but are at different places along the journey.
    Please continue to post and share. You might want to add a bit of information to your profile, then it shows up under your posts, and people will have a better idea of your situation, without having to go back to your original post.

    Most of us have had our adult children living in our homes at one time or another, while they have been using. We try and try to help, but in the long run a lot of us have suffered along with the addiction, because we see what is happening to the kids right in front of us. Not only this, we begin to feel the effects, too, as their using drugs transpires to using us.
    I have had money stolen from my wallet, heirloom jewelry stolen, toiletries gone, the list goes on.
    I am glad you are here asking for help. It is a problem that no one should face alone. I am sure you have read some of the stories written here and may understand that helping your son, is not helping him. Anything we give to our drug addicted adult children, enables them to continue using. Using drugs, and using us. It is a vicious cycle for everyone involved. So, what to do?
    You are here, that is a good start.
    There is an article on detachment on the P.E. forum I have linked it for you below...

    This article helps us to see how we are not helping our beloveds, by helping them.

    There begins the journey to try to bring some sanity back into your life.

    There are also groups like alanon or naranon that help folks like us swim the perilous seas of our adult children's choices. When we are so downtrodden from this experience, there are lights shining out there that we can go to for answers and guidance. I went to a therapist for help early on, it was good to be able to talk to someone professional, confidentially. If you have a faith and prayer is your way, that is also very consoling to give your woes to a higher power.

    You have come to the right place here, to share your story and receive comfort from others and their opinions and stories. None of us are experts here, just warrior moms and dads who have been where you are. We are all at different places along the way, but we do know the intense pain and heartache of this.
    Please know that you have value and worth and a life to live beyond this.
    Take it one day, one step at a time and know that you are not alone.
    Please stay with us and let us know how you are doing.
    More will come along.

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    Last edited: Mar 21, 2016
  3. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    Welcome Laspnda,

    I wish there were a magical potion to give to our loved ones to "fix" it but sadly none exist. Like Leaf mentioned above, we have the aching Mama/Papa hearts in common and a club none of us wished to join. She is right in saying by helping them we aren't helping them, yet we must all take part in a journey to get to the place where we stand strong and firm and no longer enable them.
    That winding path is hard for us to reach - especially loving mothers as we truly believe that we can fix them by loving them more, helping them more, caring for them ....yet we all come to the conclusion that we must let go and let them walk their own path.
    I realize now after many years of convincing myself that loving them unconditionally meant never giving up on them. I had to walk the path that so many others walked before me to see that loving them unconditionally does not not mean enabling an adult child. To be the rescuer, the helicopter mom and the enabler was not helping in the long run. Enabling them also means more years of prolonged drug abuse - that in order for them to stop and seek help (which they must eventually do in order to get clean) they are asked to leave the family home. My doctor once told me that my son was no different from an addict on the street except he had nicer clothes and a roof over his head which in turn made it easier for him to continue his drug use. Life has to get tough for them to perhaps see the light that they should seek help. I know I'm probably telling you things that you are at this time unable to do or couldn't imagine. It's coming from me with compassion and with knowledge and I wish I could hug you at this moment and tell you I understand how you feel. You will find comfort in this forum as none exist where we truly know what it's like to walk in your shoes.
    Take Care of Yourself
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  4. Laspnda

    Laspnda New Member

    Thank You so much for caring ,But the police says we need get a eviction notice on him because he lives hear how is that i don't get it.I also have daughter that was always good until she lost husband than she now is on it but her dad my husband disowned her at 14 kicked her out of our home she now is on drugs and no where to live .
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is an extra pain, but in some States it has to be done, adult children are considered tenants and have rights.UGH . For some, it has not been too difficult. You could probably find out how to do this by calling and getting more info. The point being, Laspnda, this is your home, your sanctuary.
    The danger of having drug users (unfortunately our children) in our homes is also that we are legally responsible for the contents. So, if they have illegal substances, we could bear the brunt of that.

    Irregardless of what happened to your daughter in the past, if she is of adult age and using drugs now, living in your home, this is not good.

    By putting our foot down about this, we help our children. Otherwise, it is just a big never ending mess with all of us going down the drain.

    I understand how hard this is, the suffering and depression of it. Just by your being here, shows me that you are tired of it and want change. This does not happen all at once. Take one small step at a time.

    Children living at home using. Yes, I have been there. Eviction notice, no I didn't have to go through that, but it is required in our State. My niece did for her three children who graduated high school and started disrespecting her in her own home. I think she went to the police station to do it.

    It is not impossible to obtain, just one step towards helping yourself out of this.
    It is not fair to you to be living like this.

    Take courage dear, you are staring at the pit, but you do not deserve to be in it. Take the steps you need to, one day at a time to find a solution. No one, no one deserves to taken down by the choices of adult children.

  6. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Welcome to the forum, Laspnda,
    I am following along with your post. You are getting good information and guidance here. Folks here understand and you are not alone, dear. The article on detachment that New Leaf referenced is a great starting point.

    Stay with us here and keep posting. It helps and more folks will be along soon. Read others' threads also, as there is much support and learning in all these difficult situations. I glad you found this site.
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2016
  7. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    One piece of advice I heard over and over again was to take care of myself first. I resisted for the longest time not really believing it or convincing myself that "how could I be happy, meet friends or even eat when my son was in so much pain?"I now recognize that this should be a priority despite the horrible circumstances one is in. I am finally "getting it" that in order to think clearly (we are all so sleep deprived), and we probably skip many meals as "who can eat when your life is falling apart?" That this is actually the time one must take care of themselves in order to be stronger, think more clearly and have the strength to do what must be done. I will be thinking of you and I sincerely hope you keep visiting here to find the support you need. Take care and hugs.
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nature, I have a daughter who once abused almost every drug under the sun. I feel you are a GREAT GREAT addition to our board with much wisdom! Of course, it was hard fought. None of us were ready to "let go" at the beginning, but I have loved all of your posts so far and feel you understand, at least in your mind (easier to say things sometimes than do them).

    If it makes you feel better, at nineteen, we made Daughter leave. She did not have to go homeless, although we were ready to accept that if she couldn't find a place to stay, but the place she DID stay in was very wrong move, even one lit cigarette in the house, and she was in the streets for real. She had no car and was in a new state so she followed her very straight-arrow, strict brother's rules in order to reside in his basement and quit smoking and everything else, including meth, which is hard to kick. She got a job in w which she had to walk back and forth in Chicago's winter. She helped clean the house. She cooked for the young men who lived at the house and paid rent. My son is not one to tolerate anything...not cigarettes, not pot, not beer, nothing. He is extremely religious and takes it to an extreme most don't do and he thinks everything is a sin and will not allow any sins in his house and does not give second chances. We no longer have contact with him, but he was around long enough to help this sister kick drugs, just by being a jerk about her making any mistakes so she didn't.

    His story is his own...adopted from another country at age six and never really bonded, and I haven't seen him in ten years (he is brilliant and very financially successful so at least I don't worry about his welfare). I will always be grateful for the time he allowed Princess to stay in his house under zero tolerance rules. It changed her life. I am convinced tough love is the best route to take with drug users who are not also very disabled (as is cognitively delayed or on the autism spectrum). Even then...maybe it works best.

    At any rate, thanks for your thoughts, Nature, and good luck to you. Welcome here!!!!
  9. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I really appreciate your kind words - thank you. This forum is a blessing for all of us in this club. We've heard it a thousand times - "you are not alone", yet most of us on this forum have felt it. We can be surrounded by hundreds of people, friends and co-workers but it's rare we can confide in this part of our lives. This is a safe place with others who offer support and understanding. I hope parents who are reading this, who may have never posted or coming to grips of the reality of their child's drug use there is a light here. Hugs to all battered parents.
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Laspnda: I live in Illinois which is a state that requires you to legally evict your children also. You have to go to court to do it and there is some cost involved and then they have 30 days to comply or you can have them removed.

    With our son we told him rehab or eviction and he chose rehab. He is only 20 and had no place to go. He did not want to go to rehab and said he was forced into it but he completed 21 days and is now in sober living continuing treatment. He is 1200 miles away from us but that is what needed to happen.

    We did not have to spend the money to go to court for the eviction thankfully. I think it is around $200 but I am not sure.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this but you have come to the right place. The very kind and knowledgeable people on this forum helped us navigate through our battlefield.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is another possible option. I live in a state that requires eviction also but my husband and I were terrified that our drug using daughter would destroy our home in the 30 days before we could make her leave. So, we used an interventionist who took us to the courthouse to request a temporary protection order to have her removed immediately. We had to tell the judge that we were scared she would hurt us and that she was bringing illegal drugs into our home. He told us that alone qualified us to receive the TPO.

    We were told not to go home until after the sheriff's deputies went to our house and served the TPO and told her that she had to leave immediately. At that point, she was shocked that we had gone that far and went willingly into treatment.

    We had to go back to the court a week later and the judge dismissed the TPO after we told him that our daughter had gone into treatment in another state.

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