Sad and disappointed in difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    difficult child was on her computer last night, and asked if she could have it later last night. husband and I said she could stay on until 11 but we were going to trust her to turn it off. Well, I actually had hopes of her following through. I of course was wrong. husband asked her how late she was up when they were on her way to PHP. SHe told him midnight. So, now we have to go back to taking the computer. I am happy she didn't lie about it, but disappointed that she couldn't or wouldn't self regulate. She told husband she doesn't care and wants(ed) to stay up. husband said he didn't get angry with her, just tried to explain why she needs to sleep on a regular schedule. I am so sad. I do not want to be the computer police. I want her to take responsibility for her own actions. I just do not understand.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    JMO, again:

    It isn't HER. Its the depression. She isn't able to be in control. She needs external controls until she is back on an even keel. Discuss with her care team - how do they see it?
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I wouldn't fight this battle. We haven't had a set bed time in a couple of years here. We have quiet time when no one can disturb anyone else. While there is an occasional late night, for the most part, they go to bed when they are tired.
  4. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    All things considered, I'd consider turning it off at midnight a success, no? Didn't you say she was staying up all night recently?

    I might be off the mark here, but if you were calling the cops on her last week, this seems not so bad by comparison--for anybody. Your daughter has a problem--a serious one--and self-regulation is part of it. If telling her when she needs to go to bed isn't working, you need to facilitate that for her. If that doesn't work, at least you know you tried.

    Are you getting help, StressedM0mma? Are you seeing a therapist, maybe a doctor for some medication?
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Her care team told us to take the computer at a set time. We were hoping she would be able to handle it herself last night. I wanted to go to bed before 11 last night. I hate that I have to stay up until her computer time is up so that I can go and take it from her. I guess I will have to set an alarm on my phone to get up and take it if I go to bed before her. She doesn't understand that if she stays up she can't wake up, I just do not get why she cannot connect the dots. I guess we just rushed her into letting her be in control. I tell myself it is going to take a long time for her to be better, but I just was too hopeful. Now tonight I have to be bad mom and take it even earlier to show that we are serious about all of this. UGH. I wish I were a stronger person. This is starting to wear on me so much.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Is that computer set up so that she is not the administrator - you are?
    In that case, you can set parental controls... the simple controls that come with Windows allow for setting "usage time" - and the computer will automatically "lock" (not log out... nothing gets lost) the computer when it is time to shut down.

    We use that feature, not so much to force log-out, but to prevent the kids from trying to use the computer when we are sleeping.
  7. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    no, you dont need to stay up.

    in fact, you need to set a (time) limit when you are still awake to monitor it.

    9pm is more than reasonable on a school night--computer off, the end. take the cord if she cant comply. too bad if she doesnt like it. and that includes removing the ipod/touch, cell phone or whatever else she has internet access on a (mine can do it on the DS, so you might want to reallly think about what yours can do)

    and no, she cant self monitor it.
  8. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    IC yes husband is the administrator. I do not know why he has not done that. He did set up the router to shut off at a specific time, but at the time she was worse off, and she disconnected everything in the house. Zaftig yes that is still a huge change from before, but it was more of the she didn't care, and was going to do it anyway. I wouldn't care so much but it is such a battle to get her up in the morning. And, she doesn't go to sleep when she is tired. That is the problem. She just doesn't self regulate her sleep. I cannot remember the last time she woke up on her own. Even when she falls asleep at 8 or so on the couch. And, yes I am seeing a therapist. I just started on Wed. and I am medicated. JJJ I wish I could count on her to just turn it off and go to sleep, she just doesn't. I guess I was rushing her recovery.
  9. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    And, I also wonder how much of her pushing the time boundary is just typical teen behavior? I hate comparing my 2 girls, but easy child has always been the easy going eager to please child. She never talked back, or fussed or acted like a snarky teen. So, I don't know how much or what is normal for a teen, and what is not. So I kind of feel like I am on a double learning curve here.
  10. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    I so get where you are, in a different way. I "just want" my kids to not run away from me in public--they're six years old, not two! I "just want" Bug to stop peeing outside in public. I "just want" Brownie to stop throwing things and screaming when things don't go his way. I "just want" them to participate in homeschool activities instead of melting down, running away, swearing, etc.

    But they can't, and they don't. You know? This is how things are. I make things more stressful FOR ME when I focus on how things SHOULD be rather than how things ARE. And when I can practice radical acceptance (gotta love those DBT skills), I am able to see my children from a place of compassion rather than judgment.

    Anyway, JME.
  11. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I need to get more info. on DBT that is what my daughter is using in her PHP. Do you have any websites or books you can recommend? It really seems to work if you are willing to follow the steps.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    My experience? This would be typical teen behavior multiplied by GFGness. Yes, its "pretty normal". But. Because she has other issues, she can't do what TTs do.... she needs to do what PCs do. And she isn't there - she's in GFGland.

    Its only by solving the underlying issues that you can get rid of the difficult child-multiplier effect.
  13. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks IC. Like I said, I think I was rushing through her recovery. She seems to be doing well, but I need to remind myself that this isn't a sprint.
  14. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I REALLY hate sounding dumb but I gotta ask....what does DBT stand for and what is it?
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I do this too, but in your case because it has been a HUGE part of the problem, I would not go there for a second, (lol sorry JJJ) It just seems so early and she is completely thrown off by sleep. She seems like a kid who in every way is not able to handle choices at this time and until she has months of stability she is not going to be able to make choices. She can't handle class choices, bed time, home work, electronics, etc. She knew you would respond and so told the truth. I think she is telling you she needs more structure. It is too soon to stop that. give other rewards for her progress that dont affect her if she makes a mistake, like tickets to a movie, one on one time horse back riding, or whatever it is she likes.

    Only you know which of our ideas will work, I am still shocked that this IOP is so short. Do they really think a couple of weeks will make a difference? Doesn't she have to meet more goals and maintain them for it to end? I hate insurance and time limits. Sorry she has been rushed thru but you dont need to rush thru it. Maybe you can take what they are doing and what you are doing and maintain it in the school setting for a long time. Keep the same time schedules, have husband do the mornings, etc.. like you say is working now. Just make the time limits permanent. Then it is off the table stress wise (you can know you might change it in the very far off future but just dont tell her, just make it the new order of things for the sake of her health). LOL so easy to say on a computer screen...I do know this is not easy in real life... It is why I post here too... You guys can tell me things that seem so obvious once I read it but I get too close to it and at times frustrated.

    She simply showed you where she is really functioning and you can be thankful that she did. I hope this next week brings some better communication with the program and they meet with you about your concerns for her in school etc. SInce she needs help NOW I would go for a 504 to make them come to the table. but still work on an IEP. This disability totally derailed her academically so they can't say she is not affected.
  16. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    DBT=dialectical behavior therapy. It was created by Marsha Linehan, who herself had Borderline (BPD)--she created DBT specifically for Borderline (BPD) or other treatment-resistant conditions. It's a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and Buddhism.

    Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
  17. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Buddy, the Partial Program is 2 weeks 8-3:30. The psychiatrist is the only one that can lengthen it, and I guess she feels she doesn't need to. difficult child said she is graduating on Wed. So... I am very nervous, because we have not had any type of meeting regarding her returning to school or follow up care. They also have an outpatient program that runs from 4:15-7:15 three days a week for 6-8 weeks. I do not know if they are going to recommend that or not. I see that causing issues because difficult child will say that she won't be able to keep up with her work if she attends. I just wish I had more info. I am the kind of person that NEEDS to have all the details so that I can go over it multiple times. I know I know. I have my own issues.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    You have no details, no plan, and they are letting her go? NOT.
    I don't know HOW you'll do it, but you need a plan B.
    She CANNOT go back to school. She has received NO help so far...
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Again, her arguments at this point...... sorry that sounds like her MO... but mom, but dad then it will be the end of the world because of x, y, z...!!!!

    YOU get to decide based on her needs and she has long standing needs so needs long standing therapy. How in heck can two weeks change anything long term??? I can't imagine it. I would not wait for them to offer, I would say I WANT the continued intensive therapy. (again, easy for ME to say.... I know it is not that easy and they may not listen...hugs for that) IF they are all kids then they ALL have work and that should be part of the program, how to organize that and work on it. In addition, by then you should be working with the schools and the work WILL be adjusted to her needs. NOT her choice, because you tried that and it does not work, I think you have said over these two weeks that taking the anxiety of that need to fix it all herself off the table really has made a difference. I hope they hear you guys and do not let this go back to the old way. It was hard enough to change some of these things. Can you imagine if it goes back and then you have to start over. The second time around she will KNOW that she can just go thru the motions and get things back to her way so will honeymoon longer and manipulate more. I have experienced that so many times and have had to kick myself each time. Makes the rages harder and longer. uggg, i dont wish that on you for a second (smile). Keep strong, you are doing an amazing job. (ps have you ASKED the psychiatrist to extend it??? tell them what you think should happen, dont ask! I really find I get more done that way...not being rude but just saying what I know is right for my kid)
  20. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    IC that is their plan. Like I said they have not had much contact with us. I am so scared that we are setting her up for failure. Not to mention, she will be walking into 2 days of midterms. This sounds so silly, but what do we do? We have emailed and called. They have already told her that she will be leaving the program. The teacher at the PHP is supposed to be working the the school, but we have heard nothing from her. This is going to be a huge adjustment. She hasn't been in school since December 16th. That is a really really long time to be just dumped back in and expect everything to go smoothly. Freaking Out.