Sad and scared

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Gracethroughfaith, Jun 24, 2018.

  1. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    Hi everyone.i am new here and looking for support due to my 22 year old son. He broke his probation a second time and will be incarcerated in a couple weeks at his court date. He says he doesn’t care anymore. My husband and I have tried everything but he continues to relapse, lie, and manipulate. We recently had him move out of our home because of his choices. All I do is worry, obsess, and cry. It’s really affecting me in so many ways. I love him so much but he refuses help. How do I get through this?
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am sorry you need to go through this. I strongly advise trying therapy and Alanon. I used both. This is too hard to do without support and usually family and friends don't understand the kind of support we need. Or the kind of advice we need to hear.

    It sounds like you already know that you can't change your son or anyone except yourself. But changing your own reactions to your son can help him change sometimes
    At the very least you have peace in your house.

    I also count my blessings every day. That for me is my husband and four kids and grands and the plans I have with my husband in retirement. We just retired. If I think a bad thought I try to quickly replace it with a blessing. No one gains anything from our sadness...it changes nothing. Better to look at the sunny side of the street.

    Love and light!
     
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    Last edited: Jun 24, 2018
  3. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    Thank you. I have been thinking about al anon and therapy both to help myself. At this point, I know it’s necessary. I can’t live with this constant fear and anxiety. My husband is super supportive but there’s only so much he can do.
     
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  4. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    I know it really doesn't help, but our story is the same except ds is 20. He is on his final chance to complete community service, if not, will probably be incarcerated in two weeks. We tried every kind of love and help available, but he was just not open to changing, at least with us. Prayers for all of us to get through each day.
     
  5. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    I don’t know what it will take for my son to change. He was sober for about 90 days, then started seeing his old friends and that was the end of that. I’m really afraid he may harm himself.
     
  6. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Gracethroughfaith, It's so hard when they don't want help. It's hard to understand.. why they don't just listen to us and we can make everything better. Unfortunately, it's just not that way.
    We too were so hurt when our son had jail time for his choices. Then it happened a couple times more. I remember him saying, 'it's not you going through this, I am'. It's hard to see your child in jail but just visiting gives him the support that he's not alone. Here I am crying now remembering the first time we visited. Be strong, things will be alright for him and hopefully he won't want to go back.
     
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  7. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    What can I do if I think he may want to harm himself? Can the police to intervene? He has no money, no car, no job. I’m not even 100% positive where he is staying. Thank you all for responding to me. It does help knowing I’m not alone.
     
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  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My daughter pulled a knife on herself and I called 911. Period. I dont mess with suicide. You threaten, I call 911. I and you are not professionals and we can't access anyo es mental health or stop anyone who is suicidal and we shouldn't try. Yes, we are parents but we can't stop our kids from self harm. It's not in the job description.

    My oldest used to threaten suicide when things weren't going his way in a particular law suit he was in for custody. He lives two states away. I started calling 911. Since then he has never threatened again and is well.

    Other than that we can't really do anything which is hard.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 24, 2018
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My story is very similar. I have been going through this since my son was 19 and he is now 26. He has spent some time in jail (violating probation) and has done rehab several times and relapsed several times. He currently is sober and doing better and finally seems to want this for himself but time will tell. The main difference between now and when it started is where I am at. I am no longer obsessed with him and his kife. Yes I do worry but I am living and enjoying my life, my husband and my daughter. I have made a very conscious decision not to let him ruin my life. What really helped was some therapy but mostly a wonderful parents group at alanon. So I really recommend looking for a parents group where you can meet others with the same issue.
     
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  10. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    Wow. Thank you for some hope. I am so glad to hear someone say that the addict CAN overcome their battles. Deciding to change the way I let it affect ME, like you said, is where I need to get. I can’t sleep, I’m on edge, and fearful. I will look for an al anon parents group near me. How long has your son been sober for?
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    We are on year 7 ourselves. Our son is 22.

    He has been in and out of rehab many times, inpatient, outpatient, therapy, social worker, psychologists, psychiatrists, hospitalizations. You name it. Been there. Done that.

    The only thing that worked for our son is his current faith based 13 month program. He has been sober 10 months and his brain and his thinking have finally changed.

    I was prepared to bury him from this disease. I had to accept that he could die if he did not get sober. This time he really seems to want it for HIMSELF. He said that it is all over now.

    Each journey is different but there are common threads for all of us. If not for this forum and my therapist, and the support from some friends and my wonderful husband, I think I would have been in a rubber room by now.

    This is not easy so be good to yourself.
     
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My son has not been sober long he was clean for 3 months and relasped for several days and I think now has been sober s month but the truth is I know I dont really know. The key is focusing on your life because you have no control over his life or his sobriety. And I have know people over the years who have gotten clean and sober and lived a good life so it is possible. But part of our healing is letting go of that as a requirement for our own happiness.
     
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  13. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    Yes, I agree each journey is different. My husband and I have been doing this chaotic lifestyle, if you could call it that haha, for 5 years with him. He does not want a relationship with his biological father, his grandparents or his older sister, so we are all he has. He lost his girlfriend because of his choices too. All he has left are his loser friends. (Not friends at all if you ask me because they know he is trying to get sober, or was) My guilt lies within that this last relapse we told him was the last living in our home. If he relapsed, lied, or broke any of our house rules, he had to leave. Which he did immediately. It’s been 18 days. He just now texted me for $20. I said no. I’ve never done that before. Not easy as I know he has nothing, but that was HIS choice. Am I awful for saying no? I know it probably sounds crazy even asking but I feel so alone on this ship heading for nowhere.

    I’m trying to be good to myself but it’s not easy.
     
  14. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    You are not wrong for saying no. It would most likely be spent on drugs.
     
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  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, Grace

    If it makes you feel any better, the money would probably be used for his drugs or alcohol.

    You won’t be helping him if you enable him.

    Stay strong.

    Apple
     
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  16. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    Thank you everyone on this site who has helped me tremendously through your support. Your tough but kind words are so appreciated.

    I don’t feel so scared as I was even just two days ago, although there will be days ahead, I’m sure, where I might fumble and break.

    Hugs!
    Grace
     
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He will use your $20 or $10 for drugs. Never give him cash. He is eating. They find places to eat. If youre really afraid he is not eating, buy him several jars of peanut butter and bread and milk but YOU buy it. No cash to him. If he throws it at you and tells you something nasty, he was never hungry. Truly hungry people don't turn away food ever. They devour it. They are too weak not to. They are thankful.

    Drug addicts are rarely hungry which is why most are so skinny. My daughter looked like a Prisoner of War. She had access to our food until we made her leave,but she didn't eat. Meth kills your appetite. Cocaine too.

    I mentioned eating because that is the number 1 way our addicts get us to hand over cash that they use for drugs. Anything else you want to give, like clothes,buy at a thrift shop so he can't return the item to get cash to buy drugs. Be ready for him to tell you all his things were stolen too... Another common way for them to get pity and money especially if they say they were beaten up, another common ploy. No matter what, you hurt him if you give him cash.

    I've been on this board over a decade. I have read every excuse they use to try to tear us down and get money.the Money they use for drugs. Make no mistake about it. They use all money toward drugs until they are squeaky clean and have quit.

    Yes, this was once new to us all. But we can't keep helping them self destruct. We have to say no and stand strong.

    Love and light. You can do this.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Love says no.

    I learned that here.
     
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  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI Grace and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here. 22 is so young, I am guessing that you have been dealing with issues with your son for quite some time. It is a hard road to travel when our kids go off the rails. We try and try to help, try to convince them to get back on the straight and narrow. In the long run, they have to want to live differently, to choose better.
    Getting through the grief of dealing with this is a process. It is different than the grief of losing a loved one. There is a finality to that. The grief of an adult child continuing to choose badly, to lie, steal and manipulate to get drugs, is an ongoing battle for concerned family members. Especially for mothers. We have given our all in raising them, never in our wildest nightmares did we expect this outcome. Try not to write the end of the story, there is always hope for change.
    You have done the right thing in placing a boundary with your son living in your home. But, oh, the ache. I know it well. The unanswered questions of how they are doing, what they are eating, reeling the tapes of parenting mistakes, feeling guilty, heart wrenched, unable to sleep. I am so very sorry for your troubled mamas heart.
    I have walked this path for a pretty long time. My two have managed to avoid jail, but have slipped down the rabbit hole with alcohol, pot, crack, then meth. Homelessness. It has been a long ordeal, but, I still hold on to faith and hope that one day they will realize their true potential. I just know that it is out of my hands, I have no control over their choices and as long as they are abusing drugs, I am not looked upon as their mom, I am a target.
    My first huge way to cope with all of this, with two daughters out there, is through prayer. I looked up one day and said "Lord, please take them back into your hands." It was, and is, too much for me to deal with. If I ask in faith for Him to watch over them, then, I must calm my fears and worries.
    I switch focus, slowly, step by step, sometimes, with each breath.
    The wringing of hands, anxiety, sleepless nights, worry and stress can become routine, it starts to feel like love. It does nothing to help our beloveds, and is very damaging to our health and well being.
    It is important to feel what you need to feel, to go through the grieving process. It is also important to recognize when you need help, and most of us do because it is a heavy load to bear. Going to alanaon, or naranon helps. Posting here helps, it is like a journal that talks back to you. Having one on one with a therapist, helps.
    Addiction and the consequences seep into our lives and grabs hold of us too. We often feel that we cannot live well until all is right with our beloveds. Self care, feels selfish. That is what addiction would have us think, that we are being selfish, if we are surviving, while our kids are out there suffering their consequences. With this mindset, our lives fall by the wayside, right along with our kids.
    I look at addiction as a dragon we need to slay, as much as our kids do. All we wish for is that our kids get the help they need to conquer their drug use and live healthy, productive lives. While we are hoping for that to happen, the best thing we can do for our adult wayward kids is to be the change we wish to see in them. If you are having a hard time escaping the quicksand of this, get help. Take very good care of yourself. Start an exercise routine, and be mindful of what you are eating. These are simple things to disentangle yourself from addictions web. One of the things I do is repeat to myself that I am my kids first teacher, first role model. If I languish in despair, I am right down that rabbit hole with them. If I pick myself up and walk steadily forward, one step at a time, I am showing them that they can, too.
    Find ways to shift your focus to what you can control, your own thoughts and emotions, your reaction to the challenges that arise with your sons addiction.
    I get sad and scared too, but am working at not allowing those feelings to take over my life. Walking daily helps, I pray for all of my kids and grands as I walk. This calms me.
    We are all presented with challenges and hardship. Dealing with a wayward adult child has got to be right at the top of the hardship list, but it is possible to not only survive, but thrive.
    We must thrive. By doing so, we are leading the way for our beloveds. Teaching them that if we can rise above, so can they.
    You can do this, Grace. Take some deep, deep breaths and work on lifting yourself up.
    Please know you are not alone. There are many of us here, facing the awful truth with our wayward kids, understanding that we didn't cause this can't control, fix, or cure it.
    We can find our own true potential and by doing so, shine the light for our kids.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  20. Gracethroughfaith

    Gracethroughfaith New Member

    Hey everyone...and thank you leafy for all of your wise and kind support. I have bad days and good days. Lately just bad days filled with anxiety, then anger, then sadness over my son. We have talked via text but that is it. One day he says he doesn’t care and the next day he says he does. He’s in denial about what is going to happen to him at court in 10 days. I’ve begged him to just turn himself in. He blames me for not having a job, money, not testing, not getting an assessment and even his asthma inhaler, all because I won’t let him have his (my) car back. It’s ridiculous. I told him we won’t insure drunk drivers. He just doesn’t get it. I basically have to let him go from my heart and head. Doesn’t make it much better but it’s all I can do. I’m sure he will be in jail for awhile as this is his third time breaking probation.
    Grace
     
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