Should we let him move back in?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Jul 20, 2013.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I'm so glad I found this site, I don't know who to turn to and I'm so worried!

    My son has been smoking weed since 17, he's 19 now. He's gotten arrested for possesion. He's stolen precious things from us, shown huge disrespect & lies all the time. We've kicked him out 3 times because of it all. Now his father & him don't speak to each other and I'm trying to keep the peace. He's been out of our home for 3 months now and has been working 2 part time jobs with no car. Now recently he told me he's quitting his jobs, moving to another city, and has no job but will be living with his 4 friends in a 1 bedroom apartment. He plans to look for a job there.

    He keeps telling me that his friends all smoke but their parents don't kick them out and that we are being unfair. He tells me that he stresses all the time because of us & that he doesn't care about his life and may not make it another year. I'm afraid he will get in more trouble with the law, not find a job, maybe get addicted to more drugs, or get beat up, so many worries...

    My question is, do we try to bring him home again even though he says he won't stop smoking or do we let him take his chances and move away? Are we being unreasonable??

    Thank you for your support!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yikes...the name you have chosen is very close to long time CD member, Tammy. The answer to your question is NO. To understand why I say that read the last ten years of posts from her about her sons.Read alot of old posts, in fact Your son is playing you. Your heart is broken because this is not the life you a million years...expected it to be. He has made his choices but truthfully if you don't stick to your earlier decision you will just live and relive and relive the consequences of his poor choices. I wish I could say something upbeat and encouraging but so many of us have also loved our sons to death (and our daughters!) and have had many hard painful years hoping we could change their course. THEY are the only ones who are making these poor decisions. If they don't face responsibility and the consequences of their and your husband will be wallowing in their dysfunctional environment.

    It is time for you to detach. It is time for you to accept that no matter how much you love him...HE is the Captain of his ship and he is in charge of choosing the course. You and your husband are not passengers and you don't have to let him lead you. Yes, I completely know how painful this is for you. I am sending caring thoughts of support your way. Hugs DDD
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that is your answer right there. However, I know how hard it is to imagine your child out on the streets but if he lies and steals from you there really isn't any other choice.

    Yup . . . heard that one too. My answer is always, "Well, they must not have stolen from their parents."

    Been there and done that, too. My therapist calls it emotional blackmail and said it is abuse and that you don't have to listen to it. He is making the choices that are leading him down this path and as much as you would like to change him . . . you can't.

    I know that your son is only 19 but my daughter is now 28 and we have been going through this since she was your son's age. I wish we had been stronger back then instead of letting it get worse and worse. Your son is not going to change if you let him live with you. Every penny that he doesn't have to spend on food and shelter is money he can spend on drugs.

    So, obviously my answer is no. You are not being unreasonable. He has flat out told you that he is not going to stop smoking. He made his choice. Now if he had come to you saying he realized that he needed treatment and asked for your help to go to rehab then that would be different. I'd be the first to tell you to help him with rehab and sober living. But he has drawn his line in the sand and you need to draw yours.

    by the way, welcome to the board. Keep posting. You will find incredible support here. Unfortunately, those of us on the SA forum have all been where you are right now.

    One more thing . . . when I first came here ten years ago I was in the same place you are now. I remember someone telling me to remember the three C's which was very helpful for me. The three C's are: "You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."

    Last edited: Jul 21, 2013
  4. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi lovemyson1,
    I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

    I was trying to remember back when I first found this board and named myself "lovemysons"...
    My 2 son's were at drug rehab then...around the ages of 13/14. I was a complete mess. I took it personally that my son's were heading down this path. I was angry and incredibly depressed at the same time. All the years of trying to have a picture perfect home, all the sports activities, school projects/involvement, church, reading at bedtime, building legos, swinging at the parks, swimming in our backyard pool, the best ski trips, a stay at home mom, a dad that worked tirelessly for us all, brothers and sister...where did I fail? Where did I go wrong? I thought we gave them everything and more than I ever had growing up.

    Here's the thing...your son is a drug addict now. No longer a little innocent boy. This is not child's play. It is the real deal...very serious.

    I think Kathy has a wonderful therapist that is really teaching her some very valuable information and I agree that Your son is doing what Kathy referred to as Emotional Blackmail. I think that's an excellent term for the guilt our son's try to lay at our feet. They try and make us feel like we are ultimately responsible for the outcome.
    You know...when my son's were little, I could jump, run, get there as fast as possible and right all the wrongs, fix the problem. But this...this is a problem YOU CAN'T FIX.

    This problem is beyond our goes beyond motherly love, as hard as that is to admit.
    I think Hitting bottom, feeling/really knowing the consequences of "drug first mentality" is the beginning of potential help. I am beginning to see it now.

    I too, have a husband that will barely speak to my son (the middle child that we are about to send packing this Friday). You may feel like you are the only real loving factor in your son's life...I know have felt that way. But I have come to realize that my love is used too...all for furthering the use of drugs.

    As I said recently in my post...This goes against the grain of my very soul.
    I am determined though not to continue to support drug use in my son. If he wants real help now, he must get it on his own. We have shown him drug rehab, the 12 Steps, the door to AA. He knows where to go for real help...he is not getting "help" here with husband and I.

    We gave him free room and board, a job, a truck, his family over (he has a loving wife and 3 beautiful children).
    None of it is enough...Nope. Our son has the attitude "It is my body, I'm grown, I can put what ever substances I want in my body and you shouldn't have a problem with it".

    Our son got out of prison 6 months ago...and of course my mommy heart and that of his wife, were determined to help my son make it this time. But sigh...4 months of sobriety and all the gifts we could think of were not enough. Nope. It's never enough when it comes to drugs.

    This is painful I know...and all of us move through this "process" at our own pace. Some of us go to Al Anon, or Therapists, Councelors that deal with drug addiction, to learn coping skills and new ways of looking at this problem.

    I am sorry you are caught in the middle. Moreso between your son and drugs than your son and his father. If your son gets help at some point, real help from AA or a drug rehab, then he will likely get that relationship back with his father. But this beast you are potentially putting yourself between...son and drugs, this beast can hurt you.

    6 Years ago, I had a psychotic breakdown. You see my oldest son was then in Prison for stealing over 10K worth of computer equipment from my husband's client...a law firm at that. I was getting help for myself...but all the while still in deep desperate pain. Then one day, I just lost my mind...had to be hospitalised for a week and must take an antipsychotic medication for the rest of my life. It wasn't my oldest son's fault...but it was likely due to the extreme anguish and distress that I was in all the time. Many heartwrenching screams and pleas for God to save my sons.

    I am better now with the medicine...but it is just one example of the toll drugs have taken on our family. The biggest example I can give now dealing with our middle child, our son that is currently living with us til this Friday, Is his children. They more than deserve a good father.
    I spoke with my daughter in law today, and my son's middle child, a daughter, wanted to see daddy today. She got on the phone with him and he apparently told her, "Maybe next weekend". But you know what...Next weekend he will be out on the streets, their will be no father/daughter time together. His child misses him, needs him in her life...and yet he still puts drugs first.

    I wish I could end this sadness for all of us...I can't. I know, like I said before, that this is a process...a personal journey as far as when you draw that line__________and say, "No More".

    None of us can tell you what to do...just make suggestions. The "work" is up to you. We can try and help you see things you may have not understood before from our experiences. And I hope and pray that you get the help YOU need to make the painfully tough decesions you may find yourself needing to make, having to make.
    I hope and pray it will take you less time than it has taken me. I hope and pray it will take less toll on your family and health.

    Like Kathy, I wish we "knew" then what we know now.

    Just keep in mind that drugs LOVE to use "mommy hearts"...that part of us that still see's all the good in them, still see's that first ride home from the hospital with them. Our mommy hearts need to be set aside though when dealing with this's no longer precious, fun, or games. We're dealing with life and death matters now.

    I hope I havent' gotten too emotional tonight. It's just been a long road and your name for your first post helped me reflect back to when I first got here.

    As I said before, we all move through this at our pace.
    You will find strength, encouragement, real care, real thoughts and experiences from our members here on the Board.

    My best to you,
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  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi LMS1,

    No you are not being unreasonable!! My son is now 21 but we kicked him out when he was 18 for very similar reasons. At the time (and still) I looked at it more about the behavior and unwillingness on his part to follow basic rules of living with others. You have no control over his drug use and even if he promises and tells you he won't, if he wants to he will finda way to do it and to hide it.... and even fake drug tests. So the thing to look at is the other behaviors such as lying, stealing and the disrespect. Do you really want to live like that again? Of course you don't nor should you. It does not serve him well to learn that he can live with you and treat you like that and get away with it.... you do not get along well in society living like that!

    My son is discovering in fact that he does not get along well in society doing the things he does.... he has been in many rehabs and sober houses financed by us and is now in a holding place waiting for a court ordered (and found) treatment place. If he doesnt make the next place work he will be doing prison time.

    Did us kicking him out make things worse? Who knows....but I think us holding our ground and letting him figure thingss out, including being homeless for 5 months in winter, got him into treatment several times. And although none of his times in treatment "fixed" him, I think they all helped for a time and kept him from worse drug use. I think if we had done nothing and let him just live at home the way he wanted to, we would all (including my very together younger daughter) would be complete wrecks by now.... and he would be seriously addicted to something like heroin. He defintitely would not have stopped using and would have kept stealing from us to support a drug habit. There is no way I want to help him use drugs... and I dont think you do either. And if you let your son move home that is essentially be what you are doing, helping him continue with his drug habit. Sorry to be harsh but I believe that is the reality.

    Some times loving them means drawing that line. So my suggestion is to let him know you love him and when he wants help you will be there for him but no dont let him move back in.

  6. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Wow! You sound exactly like my husband. I totally appreciate your honesty! I know you're right, but it's soooooo hard!! Thank you very much for replying, it helps to know I'm doing the right thing even if it kills me..
  7. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I am in tears reading your story. How awful it is to be in our situation?! Thank you for your words. I really hope your son gets better and I will be strong, I promise!!
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I keep crying when I read everyone's post. It is so helpful to have this support. I know you are all right and it's exactly what my husband says. We even fight about it all the time.. Thank you so so sooooo much, this is really helping me to be stronger! I just hate it that everyone so far hasn't seen their child change! Does this mean they never get better?? Please say no!
  9. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I am going to spend alot of time reading on here. This is going to give me the support I need. Thank you so very much! Seems so hopeless.. :-(
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2013
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh lovemyson1,
    Some DO get better!

    My oldest son, who was addicted to Meth, is now a hardworking father to almost 3 girls. He owns his own business and home. He is married to a woman 10 yrs older than he and they seem to be a good pair...very responsible.
    I could not have imagined that he would be here today 6 or 7 yrs ago.

    As long as they are alive...there is hope.
    caring hugs,
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  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I think there is hope but no guarantee.... What can definitely get better is how you are doing with it all. I remember well when I was totally obsessed with my son and how he was happiness at any given moment depended on where he was at.

    I am not in that place now. Now I am living my life, and having many many good days and I have fun and at moments I worry and feel down. But it no longer runs my life.

    I highly recommend you find an alanon group for parents that has been a lifesaver for me.

  12. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Bless you! And thank you so much for your sweet support. I have another question. What should I say to my son? Is there anything that will help before it gets worse? I usually just tell him to quit and get his life together. I've told him I am here for him when he is ready to get help. But he tells me his life is fine & he won't quit. What words would be most helpful in this situation?
  13. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    That's a relief to read! Thank you, and I'm so happy for you.. I will never give up on him that's for sure!
  14. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I re-read your post and have to say, your situation sounds so much like mine. We have a very together daughter as well and she hated it when he lived with us. When you say the other behaviors he holds are hard to live with, you are so right! And both my daughters have told me (friends too) that letting him live with us would just help him buy drugs and live that lifestyle. So much truth to your post, thanks so much!
  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would just tell him that you love him but will not enable him. Explain that you will not have someone using drugs, lying, and stealing from you remain in your home. Tell him that if he ever decides that he needs help with rehab and sober living that you will be there to help but in the meantime he needs to move out and live on his own.

  16. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you Kathy! So when he asks me to buy him shoes or give him a grocery store gift card, I should tell him no because he will just have more money left for drugs/alochol? Cus I'm tempted to give him a grocery card to help him when he moves, but my gut is telling me not to..
  17. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Re-read this again, I can't tell you how much it means to me to read what I already know, but keep lying to myself about. Thank you so much. I know what I need to do now.
  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The grocery card is a hard call. As a parent, it is hard to think about your child going hungry. I would say a one-time thing would be okay when he first leaves the house. We even gave our difficult child grocery card for $40 this week since she doesn't get her first paycheck until next Friday. I don't know what grocery stores are by you but we got a student card from Publix that doesn't let the person with the card buy alcohol, cigarettes, or lottery tickets with it.

    You may also need to make up a list of homeless shelters since he will tell you that he has nowhere to go. Of course, he will actually end up couch surfing on friend's sofas until they get tired of him. By then, hopefully, he will have a job. As far as shoes, nope . . . tell him that is what paychecks are for.

    Hang in there. This will be the hardest thing that you will ever have to do.

  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hang in there, don't let him back in--not without significant change on his part. He's not there yet. Since finding this board, I have learned that when we *think* we are modeling loving & reasonable behavior to our difficult child's in the form of compromise; we are ACTUALLY fueling their behavior and giving them the power in our relationship w them. I know it seems crazy- but they are not thinking clearly & they are not reasonable. Every time you lower the bar or meet him halfway, you are actually giving him permission. They're not like you and me; they don't react with gratitude and relief when we try to see their point of view or accommodate them. When a reasonable person screws up or offends someone & is forgiven- we think phew, yay we have a 2nd chance! ! And we swear not to make the same mistake again and we try to make it up to the other person.

    difficult child's? They think "AHA", "GOTCHA" -- "here we go... " and take more advantage.

    So, be firm and honor your own self & morals first.
  20. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I wanted to come back to where I first posted to refresh my memory, I can't believe it's been over 2 years!! You all have always given such excellent advice! From the very beginning your advice was exactly what needed to be done. It took us a while, but glad we finally stopped enabling him! I'm grateful to each of you and I'm so glad my son is better now. Thank you all!
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