JMom
Well-Known Member
I need feedback on a couple of things and am here this morning because I have a lot of feelings. This is long, unorganized and my grammar sucks...here we go.
So I'll start with my 50 year old brother. I may have talked about him briefly. The short version is he is Bipolar and Borderline (BPD), he was FINALLY committed on a mental health warrant and was put on medication (8 scripts and 4 OTC) for the 1st time in his life. He was in the state hospital, I was relieved. He has sponged off my mom his entire life. He is an alcoholic and very verbally abusive. My mom fell outside one night (drunk) and broke bones in her face. She is 74. She never really healed from that. Shortly after, she fell VERY ill and I was left alone to care for her and my dad who can't walk. Mind you, I was still working 40/hrs week on patrol. It was an hour drive to work. Not having a pity party, just laying out the current circumstances.
My mom has emphysema, congestive heart failure, kidney disease and is an alcoholic. She drinks more when brother is there. The last big blow up (prior to his hospitalization) he got in my dad's face and pushed my mom out of the way. Mom locked him out of the house and called me to handle him. I put him out (knowing she would let him back in eventually). He went to a motel for a week (she paid for it). Apparently, when I took my mom's finances and cut him off he told someone he was going to kill himself-which is why he was committed.
When she got sick, it was bad sick. I took her to the hospital and she was barely hanging on. Her heart, kidney and lungs were all battling. The doctors could not keep her stable. All she was worried about the entire time was getting money to my brother in the hospital. She had different people taking him money. He was only supposed to have $15-$20/week (max) for vending machines. Everything else was free. I asked the hospital if we could set up a trust so that no one would have to drive out there and manage his money. They said yes, they would. Unbeknownst to me, my mother sent my cousin to the hospital with $100 for the trust. My brother found out and checked himself out as soon as it hit the books. His court order had expired so he was free to go. I found out while I was still in ICU with mom. I asked my cousin to explain to him how sick mom had been for 2 months, and hoped he would stay away. I hadn't planned on this being the long version, but I need to explain my state of mind for the next paragraph.
He showed up at the hospital (no idea how he got there) asking mom for money for the motel and cigarettes. She begged me to give it to him, as I still had her wallet. I gave him $50 to get him out of my hair. As if i didn't have enough on my plate, he needed a ride to MHMR to fill out paperwork to get free medication. We ended up having to pay for 2 weeks worth of medications which was $120 each time. We were there over 6 hours. At that point I was so done. I asked my son (Tent Kid) if he could take him in for 72 hours so I could breathe and figure out a plan to park his arse somewhere. I knew 100% I was enabling him, did it on purpose and don't regret it, I was truly hanging by a string. It helped as my son lived almost 2 hours from the hospital and told my brother he wasn't to contact me or my mom.
Well 72 hours turned into 3 months. My son was in cahoots with my best friend. They decided amongst themselves that they were going to manage him to take pressure off of me until mom was better or past away. We were making arrangements because we thought she wouldn't make it out of the hospital.
So fast forward to this past week, my son put my brother out because of his laziness and not looking for a job. My son's roommate had bought a car from us and decided to sell it to my brother. They never transferred the title, my brother didn't get insurance, let registration expire. etc...
So now brother is back at mom's house, behaving since he just got there. That won't last long. He miraculously had $200 to insure the car-that's still in my name. ANYWHO-
Now that he is gone, I feel somewhat better that he's out of there because I was worried my son would beat him up. Son isn't violent but gets very angry at brother for all of the above reasons.
Now on to my son, you may remember him as the tent kid. Last up date was him getting his license back after 3 years, no longer homeless, gainfully employed and has his own apartment. He has made great strides, however he started drinking. I had a talk with him and told him I was concerned and that he was risking contact with his family if he didn't get it together. (Drinking happened prior to brother-unrelated).
Had the "talk"...You know the hey you're an adult now, I'd like to have grands at some point, would be great to see you sober, you're going down the wrong path, yadda yadda yadda. I have managed to keep myself untangled from his addiction. My brother tried to suck me in by tattling on him. I had to break it down to him that I know exactly what he does and it's his cross to bear. It's weird but I am really strong now when it comes to my son. I just say my piece and move on. He knows the consequences and hopefully he can get it together before something bad happens.
So I have felt concerned because my brother keeps saying that son "looks drunk" all the time. One thing about my brother is that he says things to hurt me...a lot. He's very spiteful, entitled and just plain mean. I've had an uneasy feeling the last few days. That old feeling of something bad is going to happen. I think I let my brother get in my head. I had stopped talking to brother but my mom ALWAYS talks on speaker phone and says "say hi to your brother" at which point he takes over the conversation and I have to hang up.
So my struggle is seeing that my son is headed in the wrong direction and letting the uneasiness creep in. The thing that is confusing to me is that all the times that my brother has told me that son is drunk, I had already recently talked to my son on Facetime and can clearly see that he is not. He's actually at work and comes by my house...sober. I do not wish to live in denial but I also don't want to get into the trap of minding my son's business. I can not control someone else's addiction. I have this nagging feeling that I want to cry in front of him and show him how concerned I am. Then there is that other part of me that wants to let the chips fall how they may.
Can you guys give me feedback on the proper amount of concern, involvement (as far as talking to him about the drinking) that is appropriate. Neither way really feels right. I hope one day he is sober for good. He usually cuts himself off when he realizes he's had too many. He drinks at home or spends the night with a friend when he's drinking, so at least there is that. He doesn't come over or call if he has had even one (with a friend-he doesn't drink and drive) because he knows I won't tolerate it.
Sorry this was so long. I had to get it off my chest.
love y'all,
JMOM
So I'll start with my 50 year old brother. I may have talked about him briefly. The short version is he is Bipolar and Borderline (BPD), he was FINALLY committed on a mental health warrant and was put on medication (8 scripts and 4 OTC) for the 1st time in his life. He was in the state hospital, I was relieved. He has sponged off my mom his entire life. He is an alcoholic and very verbally abusive. My mom fell outside one night (drunk) and broke bones in her face. She is 74. She never really healed from that. Shortly after, she fell VERY ill and I was left alone to care for her and my dad who can't walk. Mind you, I was still working 40/hrs week on patrol. It was an hour drive to work. Not having a pity party, just laying out the current circumstances.
My mom has emphysema, congestive heart failure, kidney disease and is an alcoholic. She drinks more when brother is there. The last big blow up (prior to his hospitalization) he got in my dad's face and pushed my mom out of the way. Mom locked him out of the house and called me to handle him. I put him out (knowing she would let him back in eventually). He went to a motel for a week (she paid for it). Apparently, when I took my mom's finances and cut him off he told someone he was going to kill himself-which is why he was committed.
When she got sick, it was bad sick. I took her to the hospital and she was barely hanging on. Her heart, kidney and lungs were all battling. The doctors could not keep her stable. All she was worried about the entire time was getting money to my brother in the hospital. She had different people taking him money. He was only supposed to have $15-$20/week (max) for vending machines. Everything else was free. I asked the hospital if we could set up a trust so that no one would have to drive out there and manage his money. They said yes, they would. Unbeknownst to me, my mother sent my cousin to the hospital with $100 for the trust. My brother found out and checked himself out as soon as it hit the books. His court order had expired so he was free to go. I found out while I was still in ICU with mom. I asked my cousin to explain to him how sick mom had been for 2 months, and hoped he would stay away. I hadn't planned on this being the long version, but I need to explain my state of mind for the next paragraph.
He showed up at the hospital (no idea how he got there) asking mom for money for the motel and cigarettes. She begged me to give it to him, as I still had her wallet. I gave him $50 to get him out of my hair. As if i didn't have enough on my plate, he needed a ride to MHMR to fill out paperwork to get free medication. We ended up having to pay for 2 weeks worth of medications which was $120 each time. We were there over 6 hours. At that point I was so done. I asked my son (Tent Kid) if he could take him in for 72 hours so I could breathe and figure out a plan to park his arse somewhere. I knew 100% I was enabling him, did it on purpose and don't regret it, I was truly hanging by a string. It helped as my son lived almost 2 hours from the hospital and told my brother he wasn't to contact me or my mom.
Well 72 hours turned into 3 months. My son was in cahoots with my best friend. They decided amongst themselves that they were going to manage him to take pressure off of me until mom was better or past away. We were making arrangements because we thought she wouldn't make it out of the hospital.
So fast forward to this past week, my son put my brother out because of his laziness and not looking for a job. My son's roommate had bought a car from us and decided to sell it to my brother. They never transferred the title, my brother didn't get insurance, let registration expire. etc...
So now brother is back at mom's house, behaving since he just got there. That won't last long. He miraculously had $200 to insure the car-that's still in my name. ANYWHO-
Now that he is gone, I feel somewhat better that he's out of there because I was worried my son would beat him up. Son isn't violent but gets very angry at brother for all of the above reasons.
Now on to my son, you may remember him as the tent kid. Last up date was him getting his license back after 3 years, no longer homeless, gainfully employed and has his own apartment. He has made great strides, however he started drinking. I had a talk with him and told him I was concerned and that he was risking contact with his family if he didn't get it together. (Drinking happened prior to brother-unrelated).
Had the "talk"...You know the hey you're an adult now, I'd like to have grands at some point, would be great to see you sober, you're going down the wrong path, yadda yadda yadda. I have managed to keep myself untangled from his addiction. My brother tried to suck me in by tattling on him. I had to break it down to him that I know exactly what he does and it's his cross to bear. It's weird but I am really strong now when it comes to my son. I just say my piece and move on. He knows the consequences and hopefully he can get it together before something bad happens.
So I have felt concerned because my brother keeps saying that son "looks drunk" all the time. One thing about my brother is that he says things to hurt me...a lot. He's very spiteful, entitled and just plain mean. I've had an uneasy feeling the last few days. That old feeling of something bad is going to happen. I think I let my brother get in my head. I had stopped talking to brother but my mom ALWAYS talks on speaker phone and says "say hi to your brother" at which point he takes over the conversation and I have to hang up.
So my struggle is seeing that my son is headed in the wrong direction and letting the uneasiness creep in. The thing that is confusing to me is that all the times that my brother has told me that son is drunk, I had already recently talked to my son on Facetime and can clearly see that he is not. He's actually at work and comes by my house...sober. I do not wish to live in denial but I also don't want to get into the trap of minding my son's business. I can not control someone else's addiction. I have this nagging feeling that I want to cry in front of him and show him how concerned I am. Then there is that other part of me that wants to let the chips fall how they may.
Can you guys give me feedback on the proper amount of concern, involvement (as far as talking to him about the drinking) that is appropriate. Neither way really feels right. I hope one day he is sober for good. He usually cuts himself off when he realizes he's had too many. He drinks at home or spends the night with a friend when he's drinking, so at least there is that. He doesn't come over or call if he has had even one (with a friend-he doesn't drink and drive) because he knows I won't tolerate it.
Sorry this was so long. I had to get it off my chest.
love y'all,
JMOM
