Slow day so think I'll post! Visit with Son...

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My husband went to see our son this weekend. I was out of town for work so was not able to join him but thought it was good father/son time.

Friday night visit is a one hour dinner and a one hour speaker. Son was good. Said he was looking forward to his June mission trip and his move to Hope House in July where they have freedoms again. Can dress how they like, wear hair as they wish, watch TV, have phone, computer, work locally etc. It's a huge step.

Saturday husband went back for a six hour visit. They went to the mall to get our son new brown dress shoes. His heel had broken on his and he had a new brown belt so figured he should have shoes to match. Also asked for a baseball cap. Not unreasonable. Did some sightseeing.

They had a pretty good visit. Son was texting his former girlfriend from his dad's phone (who is away at college in Florida but also lives in Florida) while they were driving. He didn't ask to call her.

He did call me with his dad in the car and the conversation came up about him thinking he was strong enough to come home. Has been there seven months, sober eight, etc.

Naturally I was very upset that this was even brought up. I went into a long winded purge of everything I had been thinking about him and his behaviors for the past several years. It just came out. It flowed like a river. I did not hold anything back. His dad and I both reiterated that he has to graduate from the program in November as planned. Nothing has changed. There will be no concessions made. This is not open for discussion again as I told him. He said he figured as much but wanted to ask anyway. He really did not argue with me, he just listened.

After the call I was mentally exhausted. I had not even considered that would be our conversation that day. I was also proud of myself that I had gotten it all out and that even if I had notes written down beforehand, I don't think I could have done any better.

A while later he texted me and apologized for getting me upset and said that he loved me.

When my husband came home we talked about the visit. He said that our son is so polite now that it amazed him. He felt he has matured a lot during this program. He also said that our son said that he wants to make amends with everyone that he has hurt. That he loves going to church. That he knows he had many chances to change but didn't. They also discussed his future and figuring out what he is doing with his life as well as that being with us is a short term thing and not a long term solution. My husband said they talked about a lot of things.

My husband is going back in a few weeks to take him for a five day pass. They will drive to our new home and new town so he can show him around. This is the first time he will have a pass.

I guess I felt that he shouldn't have asked about home. But maybe I expect too much. My husband feels good about his progress. Maybe I'm just a negative person. I don't know! I do think that another seven months in the program will help him tremendously but in the end it's all about him and how he wants to live his life.
 

startingfresh

Active Member
wow, RN that must have been a load off your heart. I bet it felt good to just say all those things and be HEARD. I think a lot about the things my son did and still wonder what in the world was really going on in his head. I am not sure he could even give me an answer. He acted out in a way that still boggles my mind. One time I found his stash of weed and put in my safe until I could decide what to do. Usually I flushed it but this had other paraphenalia etc so I locked it up. I came home and he had taken a drill and drilled through the safe and taken it back. I didn't know one could do that. That story is actually one of the ones that oddly makes me laugh. There are others that haunt me and I am certain I have PTSD. I hope one day to get to a place with my son where we can talk as you are. To let him know how much he hurt us.

I am so very happy to hear all these positive updates about you and your son!!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Starting

Thank you. Oh how I wish my son had stopped at marijuana! Our lives would have been so much easier.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
If they bring us here, there are usually doing more than pot. Also pot is not okay for everyone. It wasn't for me. And too much of anything is bad.
 

wisernow

wisernow
It sounds to me that your son is making real progress. I am very happy for you. There will come a time when you will find it okay to turn the page and focus on the future. So many past hurts that have to be dealt with first and felt and I think that is our way of processing the pain and to me that is perfectly natural. To me though it sounds like your family is setting a new course and that is wonderful.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Great news, RN! Very happy to read this update.

He did call me with his dad in the car and the conversation came up about him thinking he was strong enough to come home. Has been there seven months, sober eight, etc.
I can understand your being upset, but there could be many reasons for his comment.
1. He's feeling very strong and confident in his sobriety because he's never made it this far before.
2. He wanted to "brag" a little to his mom and didn't really think about how his comments would be construed.
3. The visit made him homesick.
4. A visit with family kicked him into old patterns of family dynamics.
5. His motivation for staying sober really hasn't been internalized yet; he's still doing it to please others.

I think you did a great job of shutting him down, if he was attempting to find your soft spot in allowing him to back out of his program. I think he's so fortunate to have your steadfast position on expecting him to finish this. And he's still very early on in his program, so I hope as time goes on and he develops more and more of his own sober experiences, he will develop more and more independence and motivation. For now I think it sounds like he's doing great.
 
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New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Rn, Hang tough Mom. I don’t think you are a negative person at all. Red flags go up when old patterns in a relationship pop up. The “I want to come home” card was played, and I think you handled it well. The fact that your son apologized is huge. I hope he will take that conversation to heart and understand the battle both of you are fighting, that is to stop the rinse repeat cycle of addiction.
I agree with you that finishing the program is tantamount to your sons success in recovery.
Prayers going up that your son continues upward and onward to manifesting his light and true potential!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

EarthIsHard

Member
So nice to hear your son is on a good path. When certain comments are made, it is scary to think things could revert back to the way they were. It must be nice to hear an apology from him. Best wishes to all of you and your continued progress!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks for all your comments and support. I so appreciate it!!!

His dad is going to take him for a 5 day pass on June 1. He will drive him to our new home in Alabama that is under construction and to see the area and the church that was recommended to us by our realtor (who is a southern gal and we loved her).

I am so glad I am staying strong too. I think it is my second nature now. It's funny how you work on yourself and your detachment so hard and then you actually get to see and feel it take hold it surprises you!! I don't even consider him joining us without completing the program. In fact, I am still terrified that he can relapse and I don't think I can let go of that. It will take a very long time. I may never get over that feeling. I don't like it and I hope that I can.

I did figure that the visit made him homesick. I don't want to do the mother/child role anymore. It's sad but that is gone now. I guess it has to be a new adult relationship now. So much work to do to build trust again. So hard to put yourself out there.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I don't want to do the mother/child role anymore. It's sad but that is gone now. I guess it has to be a new adult relationship now.

Well said RN. I think that may be the crux of so much of our "helping".....we hold on to that mother/child role long after it's over. I know I did, and it didn't serve anyone.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thank you both.

A big factor in this move is our son and trying to give him a new start. One last chance to CHANGE.

Of course my job is transferring and we prefer the warmer climate as well so it's a multitude of things really.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Such great news, RN! So happy for you, for hubs, and for your son. He has much to be proud of.
I don't want to do the mother/child role anymore. It's sad but that is gone now. I guess it has to be a new adult relationship now.
So true. It is sad in a way, but maybe also as it should be, FINALLY? Things get so warped when they get wrapped up in drugs. We end up parenting 12-year-olds in grown-up bodies, and the "normal" cleaving from the parents process get all out of whack. I really struggle with that too, with finding a new "normal."

I really embarrassed my son a few weeks ago. Between working his very physical job and living a healthier lifestyle, he has really bulked up. Now that he's sober he's taking much more interest in his appearance. We were picking him up at sober living. Lots of other residents were nearby, many of whom are on parole or trying to avoid prison or life on the streets, so they're a pretty rough looking group.

I see son and burst out, "Wow, look at those guns! Are you drinking protein shakes? I really like your new haircut! Is that a new shirt? You look so HANDSOME!"

Silence.

Husband looking at me like I've lost my mind, son looking like he wants to crawl into the nearest hole...he finally says in an exaggeratedly cheerful voice, "GEE, THANKS, MOM!"

Oops.

But NOW, when I pick him up, somebody calls after him to be nice to his mom, and we all laugh. :roflmao:

We will always be their moms, no matter how big they get.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Someone on the board once told me that I was infantilizing my daughter when my husband and I kept paying her rent and taking care of all of her financial needs. I resented it at the time because I was still so enmeshed in the mother/child role and was convinced that I was actually helping her. It wasn't until therapy helped me set boundaries and learn to expect her to start acting like an adult that she finally did.

So holding onto the mother/child role doesn't help anyone . . . mother or "child".

~Kathy
 

joysheph

Member
I am really glad that you stuck to your guns about finishing the program till the end. I bet it was hard but I also bet your gut was telling you to put the foot down. I'm very happy that you were able to release the river and let it flow without him trying to place sad bags to stop it. I still want to just let my son know of all the crap he has done and for him to really accept it and not argue the fact or make excuses of why. I dont know why it is so important that I do that but it is. I pray for your sons new chapter and your new adventure!
Joysheph
 
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