Son is now in prison

[okie girl]

My son used to try and tell us how horrible the staff treated him. He told me once "they don't show me any respect". I'm glad I didn't have a mouthful of coffee because I would have spit it out! I told my son that respect is earned and if you want people to be nice to you, you need to be nice to them.
Another time he told me that a guard punched him and gave him a black eye. Husband and I visited him the next day - no signs of a black eye. When I questioned him about it he lied and said "I was talking about someone else"

You are right T. It is really hard to know if they are telling the truth or lying

 

[okie girl]

This is just my mom observation on almost all "I'm going to do it my way" people.

They tend not to respect authority and can't be told what to do, even by the police. It doesn't make them bad people, although their actions hurt us...we are not the purpose of their behavior.

Okie, you have been a champion, bursting with love, for this child. You have done even more than most parents do. You are a hero. Maybe a tired hero, but a hero anyway.

He is safe now. Please be kind to yourself. It's hard. I know. Me too. All of us. But you know that for now, your son is safe and able to utilize services to help himself.

Hugs and love . Prayers too.

You are so right SWOT. They definitely do not respect authority. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

 

[okie girl]

This is just my mom observation on almost all "I'm going to do it my way" people.

They tend not to respect authority and can't be told what to do, even by the police. It doesn't make them bad people, although their actions hurt us...we are not the purpose of their behavior.

Okie, you have been a champion, bursting with love, for this child. You have done even more than most parents do. You are a hero. Maybe a tired hero, but a hero anyway.

He is safe now. Please be kind to yourself. It's hard. I know. Me too. All of us. But you know that for now, your son is safe and able to utilize services to help himself.

Hugs and love . Prayers too.

You are so right SWOT. They definitely do not respect authority. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Hugs

 

[Copabanana]

I know when my son was in jail & prison his basic needs were met. The supplied him with 3 meals and toiletries.
The money we would put on his books was used for extra food items and stamps. He could also buy different toiletry type items.
My son also had a "job" where he earned a little and I mean a little money but it helped him to buy some stuff.

This sounds like my own state. There is a kit of essential hygiene cosmetics that is supplied to any indigent inmate. Three meals are supplied. It is surprisingly easy to eat "well" because inmates trade their food with high fat/sugar foods being in demand and healthy ones being lower in demand.

There are often excellent libraries which generally have a surprisingly good selection of classics. There is school, too.

Oftentimes vulnerable inmates are extorted for monies or supplies they receive and stuff that you send can easily be a source of trouble for them. I would think about that factor before I sent much.

I agree with the others that letters, an occasional visit, may be the best support. Or as COM writes--holding back, depending upon how long the sentence is. For long-term prisoners, outside contact is everything.

 

[okie girl]

This sounds like my own state. There is a kit of essential hygiene cosmetics that is supplied to any indigent inmate. Three meals are supplied. It is surprisingly easy to eat "well" because inmates trade their food with high fat/sugar foods being in demand and healthy ones being lower in demand.

There are often excellent libraries which generally have a surprisingly good selection of classics. There is school, too.

Oftentimes vulnerable inmates are extorted for monies or supplies they receive and stuff that you send can easily be a source of trouble for them. I would think about that factor before I sent much.

I agree with the others that letters, an occasional visit, may be the best support. Or as COM writes--holding back, depending upon how long the sentence is. For long-term prisoners, outside contact is everything.

Hello Copa.....I have really been concerned about how much money to send him. It's like a battle between my heart and my logic. I have called his case worker in the past but guess I should call her back to verify some concerns I have. I have subscribed to some mens exercise magazines for him and sent him a couple of books. I appreciate the many wonderful people on this forum for the support they provide. Hugs

 

[Tanya M]

I have subscribed to some mens exercise magazines for him and sent him a couple of books.

This is a great thing to do for him.
Remember, just because he's in prison doesn't mean you have to enable him there. Prison is not meant to be easy, it's supposed to be hard and uncomfortable for them as to give them incentive to not come back.

It's like a battle between my heart and my logic

On this one, I vote for logic.

((HIUGS)) to you...................

 

[Copabanana]

I have really been concerned about how much money to send him.

Hi Okie Girl.

There is no right answer. He is in a mess. There is no right answer to a mess. More money, less money is not the point. That is what we all seem to do. Think that there is a right thing we can do, should do--and that way try to take responsibility for, and control circumstances that are horrific. Especially for us.

I think the magazines are a great idea. As are books. You can have them sent directly by book sellers to the prison.

As far as the quantity of money--I would not send money if it were me. What I might do is send a quarterly "package." He can get himself in some trouble with that too but I would make it for a small amount of money. There are vendors that will ship his chosen items which he orders through a catalog. Nice hygiene items. Snack foods. Specialty food items like coffee and tea that will come every few months like a care package.

Or what I would love to do is to buy and send materials to support a hobby. Lots of men take up drawing or some craft. They crave paints or colored pencils or good paper.

A TV is always great to have. Or good earphones and a CD player. You could arrange to purchase this for him through the prison because they are specially constructed and searched so as to not conceal weapons or drugs.

The other thing I might consider if he is interested is helping him pay for college books and correspondence courses if he is interested. But that is my weak link with my own son. I am always pushing college on him and I keep having it blow up in my face. One such blow up was brought me here to CD 18 months ago!!

Take care. You are doing great.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Nice hygiene items. Snack foods. Specialty food items like coffee and tea

These are items that generally must be purchased through the canteen. They usually wont allow outside vendors to ship them in. As far as purchasing a tv or what not, at least here in Missouri, you would have to put the money on his books and he would make the purchase himself. Dicey at best if you don't trust him to spend the money on what it was meant to be used for.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Jabber

In my state family and friends outside can select items for a package via a ordering sheet, in accordance to what they want to buy and/or their loved one wants. I believe that is the case with a TV as well, in my own state. The wonderful option that has recently emerged is the possibility of buying a tablet computer. While internet access is restricted at present this opens up the possibility of buying a wide range of books, a la Kindle. I had forgotten to mention that option that might be available in Oklahoma, too.

I share her (and your) concern of possibility vulnerability/vice concerns that open up with any money sent. The ball is certainly in son's court here. He got himself where he is--he needs to use his own steam to decide where (and how) his life goes from here.

It is the unfortunate situation that unites each and all of us--and how difficult it has proven for us to negotiate and to follow this path. Ahem, as Cedar writes, to let our kids negotiate and follow their paths.

 

[Jabberwockey]

In my state family and friends outside can select items for a package via a ordering sheet

That is the case here as well...for certain items...through approved vendors only...subject to restrictions on packing materials. No bubble wrap allowed. We got tired of finding hits of acid and pcp in the individual bubbles.

 

[Copabanana]

Here as far as I know NOTHING can come directly from friends or family--for that very reason. Rather books, hygiene, food, TV's etc come from vendors and arrive in a third party "package."

 

[okie girl]

Hi Okie Girl.

There is no right answer. He is in a mess. There is no right answer to a mess. More money, less money is not the point. That is what we all seem to do. Think that there is a right thing we can do, should do--and that way try to take responsibility for, and control circumstances that are horrific. Especially for us.

I think the magazines are a great idea. As are books. You can have them sent directly by book sellers to the prison.

As far as the quantity of money--I would not send money if it were me. What I might do is send a quarterly "package." He can get himself in some trouble with that too but I would make it for a small amount of money. There are vendors that will ship his chosen items which he orders through a catalog. Nice hygiene items. Snack foods. Specialty food items like coffee and tea that will come every few months like a care package.

Or what I would love to do is to buy and send materials to support a hobby. Lots of men take up drawing or some craft. They crave paints or colored pencils or good paper.

A TV is always great to have. Or good earphones and a CD player. You could arrange to purchase this for him through the prison because they are specially constructed and searched so as to not conceal weapons or drugs.

The other thing I might consider if he is interested is helping him pay for college books and correspondence courses if he is interested. But that is my weak link with my own son. I am always pushing college on him and I keep having it blow up in my face. One such blow up was brought me here to CD 18 months ago!!

Take care. You are doing great.

Thank you Copa. His birthday is Christmas Eve. I think I will call the prison and check out buying him a television or radio. Thanks!

 

[Copabanana]

Okie Girl, how long is his sentence? I forget.

I want you to know something. If you know it, I want to remind you.

Prison can be a wonderful experience for many men. Their choice. I cannot count the men I have known who have turned their lives around, who have matured. Things become remarkably clearer in prison. Sometimes, that makes it easier to decide.

Also, your son, if he wants will find great support. Many good people volunteer, typically through various religious faiths. And sometimes there are prison employees who do that work because of devotion to and belief in the men, and a great sense of meaning and purpose they derive from the work. For 20 years I was one of these. I can honestly say I loved the men. And they in turn treated me with the greatest of respect and to the extent our situations permitted, with caring. There are some of them I will remember for the rest of my life. I am still considering, in retirement, returning to volunteer through the chapel. My life does not feel complete without some kind of work of this kind.

The last thing I want to say is this: This will unfold based upon your son's choices and efforts. In this, your situation is exactly the same as for the rest of us. All of us are outside of the ring--praying that our children will decide right. If anything it will in time become easier--your role here is very, very circumscribed. You really have no role or responsibility at all except to love your child.

I am sorry you are in this impossibly difficult situation for a mother. We are all there with you too, with our own variation on the theme.