Son Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Nov 30, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I got one of those dreaded phone calls from my son.

    Him: Mom, I need to talk to you. I can't talk now, but I will call you back in a few. ( this is designed to get me to start worrying )

    Me: O.K I might not answer. I am out with friends.

    Him: It's really important.

    Me: I have to go. I am out with friends. (click)

    ! hour later

    Him: They are treating me really bad mom. I need for you to call them and tell them that I can go off campus whenever I want. (there is a girl involved)

    Me: That is not my problem. I will not get involved.

    Him: Why are you such a :censored2:?

    Me: This conversation is over.

    It gets easier as time goes by + He is not standing in front of me day in and day out.
    • Like Like x 7
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  2. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Agree. You got this Pasa. Good job.
  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Is this not the way it goes? They can be desperate, feeling no hope, and maybe even a little nice -but if we respond with a no....well then....back to life as we knew it.

    A year ago or so, my Difficult Child called. husband and I were in the car and I answered my cell, not recognizing the #; i NEVER EVER do that now.

    Difficult Child (sobbing sounds): "(girlfriend's grandmother) wants to know how you can be so mean to me."
    ME: "Well, Difficult Child, perhaps you have not been honest with her."
    Difficult Child: "NO, you listen to me!"

    I quickly got off the phone. It went from crying to hatefulness in, what, 5 seconds?

    Hang in there, Pasajes. You (we) always have and will continue. My take on this is not to answer your phone for a month or so.
    • Like Like x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Pasa, I'm so sorry you had to go through that but you were awesome!!!

    Well done.
  5. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Awesome response to your son, pasajes4! Sorry that you had to hear that from him but great that you didn't buckle under pressure. How is it that they can go from needy/begging to hateful in 5 seconds??

    My last phone call with my daughter (she called my work):
    Daughter (angry): "Who have you been talking to and telling them where I am?"
    Me: "I haven't talked to anyone about your whereabouts."
    Daughter: "Well, I have some things to say to you and you are going to LISTEN TO ME; no interruptions."
    Me: "Yes, you said that in your last email. I've already read it. I'm going to hang up now - I'm busy at work."

    She called back 30 seconds later:
    Daughter (even more angry): "Don't you hang up on me. What kind of mother does that?"
    Me: "I'm sorry that I'm not able to talk with you right now - I am busy at work and need to get off the phone. Goodbye."

    Haven't heard from her since then.

    Having these conversations via phone/text/email are so much easier than face-to-face!!! Keep up the great work! You rock!
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    When my mom was still alive, I ALWAYS made sure to show her respect. If I had called her ":censored2:", she would have kicked the :censored2: out of me. And I would have deserved it....

    Ticks me off to no end when I hear about, or see, somebody disrespecting their mother.

    He is fortunate enough to still have his mother. I'd do almost anything for that. He is taking you for granted, and I sincerely hope he stops. For your sake and his sake.

    Maybe you can't slap the disrespect out of his mouth, but you sure as :censored2: don't have to put up with it. I would refuse contact of ANY kind until he shows and expresses genuine remorse over what he said. Make it a rule.
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Hi Pasa,

    its interesting how he wants a short cut out of his predicament...I is his own actions that have lead him to a place where he isn't in control of his time and is he who has to behave in such a way for such a time that he ultimately regains that right, either where he is or because he is able to live independently...but calling mom to have them bend the rules that are put in place because he has demonstrated that he cannot manage himself?
    I laugh, darkly.
    You did really well to recognize this interaction as a part of a pattern..I think that is hard for us, we take each exchange as valid and independent...but if we step back and say...oh, I see (as you did) he is only nice to me if he needs something, and the second he doesn't get it he is nasty..or oh, I see, he STILL isn't willing to do the work of earning privileges, he STILL is looking for helps us respond in ways that we can feel ok about.

    Hold tight and strong, Pasa. He is still growing up. My son literally tried to jump out of our (slow) moving car at a traffic light once when his girlfriend texted him...this on the way home from a parent-school meeting in which they basically were throwing him out of his "special behavioral needs" school. Emotions and hormones are super hard at that age, and on top of some neuroatypia and bad patterns? Fuggedaboutit. Hold on for the ride.

    Hugs tonight,

    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Useful Useful x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He called everyone on his approved list and did not get the response he wanted. He escalated to a full blown hissy fit. He is no longer allowed to call the girl and she cannot visit. He will be allowed 1 supervised call to an approved family member per week until he has shown staff he deserves more. He has also lost all off campus activities until he earns them back.
  9. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    That's good. People have suffered enough on his account, and he shouldn't have the right to just call people to be abusive for no real reason. But ESPECIALLY not his own mother.

    If I had ever even dreamed of calling my mom a ":censored2:", I would've woken up and apologized. I am sorry you don't get the same respect and consideration that you so clearly deserve. But remember, he can only bring you down as far as you allow him to. Honestly, is the respect of somebody so down right nasty that important? I mean, it SHOULD be important to him, and will obviously have an effect on you, but it isn't like he is a great judge of character.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it is great that they are holding him accountable for his actions.

  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He really shot himself in the foot this time. If he had gone to his case management team and made his request for additional off campus time, he would have found out that that he was about to earn 2 additional weekend hours that could have been spent with this girl. It would have been on campus, but they could have gone to the canteen or walked to the lake and fished.
  12. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Pasa. You're doing a great job allowing him to take his own responsibility...and recognizing what is yours.
    I also usually am very careful to check caller ID-there are times when I know I can't take, physically, mentally, emotionally the contact. Or maybe I can't take knowing the truth of how our son views us as an avenue to get what he wants, over and over, without a thought to how it affects us.

    We do...the kind of mothers that have the kind of sons/daughters that bring us here. I am so thankful for you all.

    I'm always glad to "see" you Darkwing. You bring a perspective I don't have to a life I never believed could be so difficult. Our son has expressed remorse and apologized in the past (about 1% of the time) I'm hopeful that it's real at those times but I'm never sure. When I was in catechism as a child, the nuns would say if I was "heartily sorry" I wouldn't repeat the same sin over and over again. I've not forgotten that-yet he seldom learns from his mistakes. What do we do with that? and how it affects us all?
    Pasa, McDonna and Seeking, you give me courage as you stand strong. Survivors in every respect. Thankyou. Prayers.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pasa, great job!

    And, it AIN'T EASY!

    While your son languishes in the misery of his own consequences, pat yourself on the back for all you've learned and do something uber kind for YOU. Man, you deserve it!
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Bravo! You handled him brilliantly. It's such a good feeling when we know how to respond or handle our Difficult Child and not let it hurt us so deeply.

    My son is 21 but oh so very immature. Waiting for maturity is very hard but I don't think we can blame everything on that either!
  15. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    It is difficult for an active addict to truly feel any kind of meaningful remorse. As I have said before, long term drug abuse can mimic all the traits of a personality disorder, even in those who don't actually have a personality disorder. We become sociopaths. Manipulative, bored easily, constant need for instant gratification, and reckless behavior. Real remorse requires some level of shame, and humility. We have no room for either of those things while using. So, while we are still using, we aren't really sorry. We may say the words, but it is just like a serial killer mimicking human emotions. We know that we SHOULD be sorry, but NOTHING comes before the ability to get high. It is when we finally get some clean time under our belts that the fog is lifted, and we start to return to normal emotionally and physically. THAT is when it hits us for real. When we are no longer numb, and have to confront the despicable things we said and did for a fix. This is the truly difficult part of recovery. Addiction isn't just about physical dependence. You can become physically dependent on a drug without being a drug addict. People who require benzos to function, or pain medication. They don't abuse it, they don't take it to deal with anything other than the physical pain, or the anxiety. They don't over dose, and they don't display drug seeking behaviors. Addiction is a mental and emotional NEED. Going through physical withdrawal, while terrifying and unbelievable uncomfortable, is absolutely NOTHING when compared to picking up the shattered pieces of our lives. Facing all of the shameful and hurtful things we did and said, and hoping to salvage as many relationships we possibly can. The physical discomfort lasts a couple of weeks, then is stops. The part that comes next is what causes an overwhelming number of relapses.

    My point being that just about everything said by an active addict must be taken with a grain of salt, and healthy skepticism. He may know that the stealing was wrong, and may say the word "sorry", but he cannot truly appreciate it until he is sober. He cannot appreciate the pain it causes you because he is so numb to normal, human emotions. In his mind, he most likely thinks that the part that is upsetting you is having less money in your pocket than before. It doesn't even cross his mind that the real problem is the betrayal, and the complete lack of regard or consideration for you.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is so true! For years we were sure that our daughter was borderline. Her behaviors were so typical of Borderline (BPD). However, now that she has been sober for nine months all of those behaviors have disappeared. It was the addiction causing her to act like that.

    The interventionist we used told us that 80% of mental illnesses disappear when addicts get sober. I didn't believe it at the time but I do now. It is just too hard to separate the mental health issues from the addiction until the addict gets sober. It is also easy for the addict to "blame" a mental illness as an excuse to use drugs. My daughter used her supposed anxiety disorder to say that she needed benzos. She even convinced a psychiatrist that she needed them despite being an addict.

    Now that she is sober, her anxiety has disappeared. She says herself that it was rebound anxiety when she tried to quit benzos that convinced her that she needed benzos. Once she finally stayed sober long enough for the residual rebound to wear off, she found that she doesn't need them anymore.

  17. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    You'd be amazed at just how drastically different every aspect of an addict changes when in recovery... Early on, while I was still in withdrawal, I couldn't even imagine what normal was going to feel like. Hell, I was so sleep deprived, so sick, so worn down emotionally and mentally that I had serious doubts as to whether or not I could survive the ordeal. But as that started to slowly but surely lift, I was excited. The normal feeling would come in waves. It wasn't until that point that I started to appreciate just how bad I had gotten.

    No longer relying on opiates just to be able to sleep, eat, or feel content still feels new to me. Almost 2 years sober. The pain of the experience of getting clean was so severe that there are songs I cannot listen to, and movies I cannot watch if they were something I enjoyed while actively using, or during withdrawal. It throws me right back to that point. Amazing how that happens. It reminds me of my complete and utter despair. The fact that this happens this long after the fact is testament to just how ingrained our addiction becomes. Almost like it is branded onto our souls. It is not something that goes away. And it probably shouldn't. I NEED to be able to remember that despair every once in a while, less I become complacent, or cocky.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know by seeing how different an addict is when sober. My daughter had been diagnosed with bipolar.

    In twelve sober years I don't see any mental illness. I think especially psychologists and therapists are too quick to diagnose drug users with mental illness. The fact is some people just get into drugs to fit in with peers or just to try something new and then they get hooked.
  19. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Pasa, you are a true Warrior Mom! And I like the consistent consequences that he is getting for "shooting himself in the foot." Hopefully this will be very good for him in the long run.