Standing strong in the aftermath.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well son is officially gone. Has a new address he provided to me to give to his Bail officer. He is staying a city away and declares he is going to bus to school. As he didn't attend and was failing when he lived only half a mile away I doubt this will happen.

    He came by to pick up some of his belongings on Thursday. I informed him that social services called and if he did not call them back they would close his file. He said he had already dealt with that. I called social services back and they confirmed he had not taken care of what needs to be done. They can not share information with me as he is an adult in the eyes of the law from 16 forward...sort of....hate our young offenders act. I relayed this information to him on FB messenger.

    I offered to take him for groceries and basic supplies to ride him over until his social assistance comes in. He also declares he has a job (not likely), he has never held a job for any longer than 3 months and he is in a worse state now then he has ever been. He did not respond.

    He begged to stay one night last week and we allowed this. I made him drug test. He said it was pointless. It was for me not for him. This was to keep me out of the FOG and stick to our plan to make him leave home he tested positive for cocaine, benzos, pot, amphetamines and opioids.

    He left the Naloxone kit I got him on his bed in his bedroom clearly where I could see it.

    I had enraged texts from him yesterday where he disembowelled my ability as a mother for his whole life. This was over demands for $100 being refused. He wanted it to go to a Rave. I have blocked him from being able to text me and told him to communicate with his father. We have not heard from him since.

    It is quiet which is eerily peaceful. I am she'll shcocked but in the pit of my stomach I am calm and. I am a peace with my decisions and choices.

    Ir is like a post war scene where the enemy has fled and it is calm and peaceful, but the aftermath of the battle is still present all around. May things destroyed and broken, but the tenants of life and hope remain. Many things trigger me but I am strong.

    When I first came to this board I could not look at pictures of my son from the past, not without falling into a tailspin of tears and anxiety. I can now look and yes sometimes with sadness; but most times with pride and joy. Pride of good parenting, and joy for what we were able to offer him in his life. Vacations, sports, music, family fun and loving time spent together.

    I am empty in that place we call mother, as I look forward as I do not know where my sons path will lead. Frankly it is none of my business. It is his story to write.

    We will always love him and always be here for him. We will not enable him.
     
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  2. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    We have a lot in common. I too quoted to my son that he would be the author of his life story. The epiphany for me came when I accepted that I am the author of my continuing life story.
     
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  3. I understand what you are going through. I agree with your decision to test to keep yourself out of FOG. For me denial is an easy place to go.
     
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    well now he will have to deal with the echo chamber of his own acts in his own way and not to deflect them onto you.

    it is a true horror story right now. for him. as long as you harbored this jeckyl and hyde you experienced the horror--as his victim.. now as you describe, you are out of it--in terms of your house at least.

    it is a new beginning for you, but also for him. especially for him. there is the potential for clarity now. he knows the right thing to do--thus the lies.

    i truly believe the son you raised is there. he has to raise his hand and stand up. now he can. to do that has nothing to do with a mother. oh how hard this is for us.

    i am sorry lbl.
     
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LBL, what a strong and poignant post. I'm sorry for the pain of it, I know that pain, many here know that pain......you are not alone. I applaud your deep commitment to yourself.....and to the ultimate well being of your son. You've done a very difficult thing these last weeks, perhaps one of the the hardest things we mothers ever have to do. Relish that peace, you've earned it in spades. And, do something very kind and nourishing for yourself, today and every day. Take good care of you. We're all here for you......
     
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  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you all for your kind supper it really means a lot.

    Thank you for tolerating my horrific typos as well. Gah!
     
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  7. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Your perspective is beautiful. You are right. You gave him a special childhood filled with love and experiences and opportunities. That can't be erased for either you or for him.

    You describe that feeling so poetically -- "empty in the place we call mother." I have two others but I know there is still this feeling akin to amputation. I can't retract or shrink the motherhood for my firstborn.

    Being here is a way to fill that space, for me. I'm trying to be the parent he needs me to be with the wisdom and support of everyone here. I hope it's similar for you.

    But I know I would rather make him soup.
     
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  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i do not know how to use my quote machine with my cell but want to quote this:

    i'm trying to be the parent he needs me to be. (sam3)

    this is not an end. but the opening up of space to begin again. in a different way.

    your story as a mother is not in the main the advantages you conferred. it was and is a story of the kind of love and fierce devotion and hope and responsibility that fuels mothers to pick up cars to save their child.

    except that kind of love will not work now. you tried and tried and tried more. and g-d knows so did i.

    if there is an ending it is only of that--of the dream that we can save them by our wild and desperate love; by giving all.

    all of that love and care you gave him is in him. he needs to (and i believe he will) in time find it in himself and act on it.

    that is the gift of love you bestow now. the gift of restraint. at terrible cost to you.

    now is the time to rest. for me too. too much beating of my wings against a cage that i erected myself.

    all the love and hope is still there. if i have the courage to let go.
     
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  9. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Poetry
     
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  10. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    I admire your strength. Your post is so beautifully written and brought tears to my eyes. The culmination of so much has been lifted and sent to your son's higher power because you stood your ground. I pray for your son and your family. I hope one day I can get to where you are....I might not be able to ever. Standing up for myself and not giving in feels like taking the spoon from the starving infant's mouth at times becsuse mothers are wired to defend and protect their young. But we have to protect and love ourselves - duties lost in our efforts to keep the peace. It's odd how it develops so slowly...the giving up of our power. We have a right to take our power back and allow our kids to find theirs without hurting us. We deserve peace, not constant ups and downs and rages from tge drug use. I'm happy for you that you kept firm on your boundaries but I know you must feel strangely numb. Hope things begin to turn around for your son.
     
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  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is like looking at a war torn countryside right after the battlefield has been cleared of everything, isn't it? I remember those first days after Wiz left our home, when my kids would go to school. I had no idea what to do with myself, or our home. I am so glad you are able to look at those photos now. Let those photos bring back memories of special moments. Use them to refresh your memory of how it truly was rather than remembering how your son is claiming it is.

    After I got over the very worst of the pain of having to move my child out, of having to give him up, I was able to pull some of the photos back out. I used those, and my memories, as my armor. I needed that armor when he was having a bad day and needed to attack me to feel better about something. I don't know why, but when he felt threatened, attacking Mom made him feel better. I used those photos of how close we were, and how much we loved each other, to keep those attacks from hurting as badly.

    Your son is going to ramp up his requests and attacks because you have just shaken his world to the core. He didn't think you would really kick him out. He got a whole group of addiction experts to tell you, over and over, why you should keep him at home and support him!! He said he would go to school and rehab and get help. It is ABRACADABRA!!!! It is magic and it works, but it suddenly didn't work. So he left for a couple of days. Then he came back to see if he could come home for a night. Wow, he could stay a night. You still care. You offered naloxone, so you must want him to live. But then you told him he had to leave??? You are confusing him so badly right now.

    He doesn't know what the rules are any more. You have shaken up his world. This means that each and every time you say no to him, he is going to get more mean. He is going to look for the new magic word. Clearly promising school and rehab no longer work, or they don't work all the time. In his mind he just has to find the new magic word. He won't think he has to do something, change his actions. He thinks he just has to find something to tell you. Prepare yourself for a huge increase in the drama of his world. He will have crisis after emergency after drama. There will be a few breakdowns in there probably.

    You will likely want to either strangle him or move to somewhere he cannot find you before it is over. The more you help with his problems, the more he will come to you with them. The more you leave him to figure them out himself, the angrier he will be and the uglier his verbal attacks will be. Hang up when he is ugly or abusive or disrespectful on the phone. SWOT is right to hang up if her son is not respectful to her. Your son clearly is not overdosing if he has the breath to say nasty things to you, so you can hang up without worrying. If he calls back, tell him that you won't answer his number for one hour (or whatever length of time is reasonable to you) after whenever you hang up on him. You will hang up whenever he is ugly or abusive to you. You define whatever is ugly or abusive, he does not. Isn't that the lovely thing about talking to people on the phone? You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to. I just love that about phones.

    It is getting colder now. I know you are worried about that. Do you know where he is staying? I had the impression it was somewhere with a curfew like a shelter? Will he use that to try to get back into the house? Before you allow that, consider giving him a sleeping bag. He will be angry about the gift. He may even treat it like the Narcan at first. Then he just might call and ask for it. It would let your mother's heart know he had something to help him keep warm without bringing him back into the house. With a sleeping bag, missing the shelter curfew wouldn't be an issue. In fact, you might just get the sleeping bag and offer it to him the next time he misses the curfew at the shelter rather than letting him sleep in the house. I would let him sleep outside rather than in the house or garage. It will make him angry, of course. That isn't the point. The point is to make him feel the consequences of missing the curfew of the shelter. He is in the shelter because he refused to go to rehab. If he thinks he can come home if the shelter is full or he misses curfew, he will miss curfew a lot. A sleeping bag gives you an option that isn't a nice warm bed at home. It gives him a logical consequence for missing his curfew. You could give him some hot coffee and warm socks and a hat if you want,. Letting him sleep at home is a reward. he shouldn't get a reward for missing curfew, in my opinion.
     
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  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My son is in the throes of feeling sorry for himself and is in high drama mode. He has already been acting out. He actually text and demanded $100 for a Rave. Clearly the answer was NO. I had offered to help him shop for groceries and get the basics as he is now renting a room. It is in a house in another city. I don't know if that is true or not, real or made up. It is the address he provided to social services. He lies so much I don't know what is truthful or real. He never even responded about the groceries. I am concerned that he is obtaining funds illegally, this is his issue not mine. His choice not mine.

    You are so right. Wise words from both you and SWOT. He has no phone plan and can only text on FB messenger on WIFI even at that he has continued his attacks. I blocked him for the time being and told him to communicate with his father if he needs to be in contact.

    He was in and out of a number of places. He has an address. There are again a new group of people he is with. Cycling through groups of people faster and faster. Who knows if he missed a curfew at a shelter or someone's home or anywhere at all.

    We will not let him back in again and he knows this. Not that it will prevent him from trying. He has court cases and bail meetings coming up. I predict he will be in jail before long and that he will blame this non us as well. He truly thrives on crisis and playing the victem.

    The sleeping bag and warm clothes are a great idea. I want him no where on my property. My husband found a woman's small purse in his room. It was empty. Probably stolen. That makes me sick to my very core. We can somehow tolerate the fact that they steal from us; but when it is apparent that they steal from others. This is truly a wake up call.

    I have my moments and I know I always will, for today I am strong and grateful for wise support. I will be tempted to back slide and support him. I will use my armour to protect myself. We were out at a lovely function last evening with close friends. Most know to not ask about our son as we are trying to be in our own moments and live our lives. When one person asked about him and was getting a bit dramatic about the situation; for the very first time I did not cry nor did I let this ruin my evening. I am proud of that moment. Building strength day by day.
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you SE. I truly feel my son had a long way to go and I will not be trapped in his Drama. It is very hard to shut down mom mode but it is what will save him in the end if anything will.
     
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  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Indeed the courage to let go. As we know letting go is harder than hanging on. This is that battle of the heart and the mind. Well said Copa.
     
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  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    This kind of nonsense is so familiar to me.

    He's pulling out all the stops. You're doing an amazing job! Though he does not realize it right now, your son has one fantastic mother.
     
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  16. Southern51

    Southern51 New Member

    Your new found strength is exactly what your son needs - and most of all, what you need. At the end of the day, we are not them, and they are not us. I can’t live my son’s life for him and make his decisions for him and the same goes for you... we need to keep going and live while they make their way out there, whichever direction it may take them.

    I’m sure he’s a bit stunned. The paradigm he’s lived under for the past few years has changed. He’s on his own, free to make his own decisions and fully feel the consequences of his actions. I hope it doesn’t take him long to choose to do something better with his life. Stay strong.
     
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Albi. Thank you for that. I am having a tearful day trying to shake it off.

    I hope you have recovered from your burglary, terrible to be invaded upon like that.

    I am staying strong. I will not support the addict in order to save my son. It is getting cold and if he is put out he will have to go to a shelter. If he wants help I will take him to the hospital for detox and in patient rehab.

    The long term program is holding his admissions open until the end of November.

    I am sending good intentions to the universe for him. The rest is up to him.
     
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  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're doing an exemplary job in an impossibly challenging situation. Your commitment is impressive. And, I know how hard its is too.

    I used one phrase when asked about my daughter and it seems to work to stop any further inquiry. When asked I simply say, "she's still struggling." I've not had one person delve any further after stating that.

    Hang in there LBL, each day gets easier. At some point, it becomes your "new normal." And, as you note in the above quote, it ceases to ruin your evening, your afternoon, your day, or your life.
     
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  19. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    How true is that... “it becomes your new normal...” and somehow we get stronger and stronger and with acceptance , we can live our own peaceful life❤️
     
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I agree. Though our hearts and thoughts may lead us to feel otherwise at times, this is true. To pull back when our d cs are rampaging goes against every inclination in our aching hearts, but it is not just the right thing, it is the only thing we can do.
    So true Southern, how we wish we could insert some common sense, here and there, but they have got to learn in their own time. We can't do it for them.
    What a poignant description of how it feels in the aftermath of this storm. I am glad you feel strong and resolute LBL. It is a new day for your husband, you and your son.
    It is amazing to me where their focus is. So much drama and blame seeking, but in the end all, partying is the ultimate driver. Dumbfounding. Mindboggling. These moments can provide clarity and strengthen our direction in saying no more.
    "Empty in that place we call mother" You are a poet LBL. How well I know this feeling.
    However, all you have done for your son, is still there. In your memory and heart. Copa is right, it is there in him as well, he is numbing that down to keep doing what he is doing.
    I viewed an inspiring talk from a woman who's young son had a craniotomy due to a tumor. Faced with the unimaginable pain of possibly losing her son, she realized that her two closest companions were becoming worry and doubt.
    She replaced them with faith.
    I think when we wake up from the horrible nightmare of dealing with our young d cs first losing control to whatever, be it mental instability, brain injury or drugs, we go down a path where we have to look at the insanity of their choices and the consequences we have suffered, full in the face.
    The insanity became theirs, and ours.
    When I think back at what hubs and I endured, I think of how crazy we were to put up with all of the nonsense!
    Different set of circumstances that led us to keep on trying, but it was certainly a desperate and crazy situation (okay, a whole bunch of crazy situations).
    Looking at it full in the face for what it was drove us to realize that we couldn't control it, didn't cause it, couldn't continue to live with it and allow the descent to happen in our home.
    Then they are out there, and we faced a whole different onslaught of emotions. I found CD and dove into posting, hubs, into work. The kids were out there and made frequent attempts to rub their choices in our face, blame us, then triangulate and blame me.
    They tried to play us.
    Then they would "disappear", which led to another onslaught of emotions and worry.
    It was a whole nother battle when they weren't with us, dealing with the what if's, the doubt and worry.
    What a roller coaster ride.
    Good for you LBL, that is balance.
    Wonderful, powerful advice. Do something kind and nourishing for yourself. It is so important to shift focus. Self care is not selfish, it is tantamount to our well being. We mothers have a way of sacrificing self for our children. In reality, a strong sense of self, only helps our children to see the importance of self care. It is what we want them to do. Be the example!
    That is a powerful statement. That is faith.
    Your son has it in his power to make better decisions.
    All of our d cs do.
    They have to understand this and own their choices.
    You are helping your son do this.
    Be kind and gentle with yourself, LBL.
    Continue to build yourself up.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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